advise please on long term relationship.

LegacyUser

Hi Interweb folks.

I have a dilemma. I am in a long term relationship with my other half for a very long time. Also living together for a substanial amount of time. I love them but fear I am not still in love with them. I daydream about living by myself and what it would be like to date other people. I fear that I have not realised all my potential and that I have missed out on my twenties. (There is a large age gap between us) and although I love them. I find myself thinking what if?

There has been no one else in the time that we have been together ( It would be a lie if I said I hadn't thought about other people - we are all human after all) that is not the foucs here. What I want to know is am I loosing out on what could possibly be my future because I am settled and afraid to rock the boat.

But then again will I end up loosing something wonderful because the grass was greener?

Please don't troll or hate. I am leveling here and looking for direction as I can't seem to focus my moral compass in the right direction.

AnneElizabeth

Well, no one here can really tell you how you feel about him, but judging by the fact that you took the time to post this: you're looking for reassurance that you do love him. But in reality, I think you're not in love with him and you want something else. (Could be completely wrong, that's just the way it looks to me).

People can have doubts, but normally just wedding day ones.. When you're just dating someone you wouldn't.

kerryman12

Hi Op

We all do the what if question from time to time. I think it is just part of human nature to wonder what if; what if I stayed in Canada, what if I was with someone else, what if I won the lottery. Don read so much into it I would say.

What I want to know is am I loosing out on what could possibly be my future because I am settled and afraid to rock the boat

Wll yes you are missing out on any number of possibilities, thats not to say that any of these would be any better than what you currently have. We all make choices that move us in certain directions, in a lot of cases its not until years later when you look back that you can pin point one little thing that was a key moement for you. Of course some decisions you know up front will be life altering.

But then again will I end up loosing something wonderful because the grass was greener?

Thats exactly it. If you were with someone else maybe it would be brillient, maybe it would be similar to what you have now, maybe it would be crap.
I have never beleived in this soulmates idea. My opion, for what it is worth, is that there are any number of possibly suitable partners out there for each of us. No matter who you end up with you should expect too have to work at that relationship.

Take some time out, ask yourself some hard questions - only you can decide.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi guys its op here again. See the thing is my oh was married. And has a child. We take them at the weekends. I feel that I have all the responsibilty of marraige without the commitments being formally made. My oh does not want anymore children. They dearly love the child they have. I am not so sure i can be happy with that. We have both put on weight. I got most of mine back off but they havent. I am not as attracted to them as I once was and romance is not my oh's strongest point. There is a lot going on inside me at the mo. My hormones are all over the shop.... Dont worry I am seeing my doc about it. But I just cant tell if I am seeing more in to this than there is or if I need to leave this relationship to find my true direction or is it front of me right now.

kerryman12

Well you have a lot of responsibilty there to start with. Also there are some big life altering decisions being made for you.

Maybe you need some time by yourself to figure stuff out.

Best of luck.

AnneElizabeth

thinking wrote: »

My oh does not want anymore children. They dearly love the child they have. I am not so sure i can be happy with that.

Seems like the only reason you're with him is because you feel obliged to because of his child. I think he's asking far too much of you to be happy with never having your own child. Someone else's child can never compare with your own. You're clearly not happy with this now, and what are you going to be like in 20 years, when you realize it's too late to have children? You mightn't even stay with him forever, and you will have lost your chance to have a child of your own.

thinking wrote: »

I am not as attracted to them as I once was and romance is not my oh's strongest point. There is a lot going on inside me at the mo. My hormones are all over the shop.... Dont worry I am seeing my doc about it. But I just cant tell if I am seeing more in to this than there is or if I need to leave this relationship to find my true direction or is it front of me right now.

That seems like a lot of doubt to me.

thinking wrote: »

See the thing is my oh was married. And has a child. We take them at the weekends. I feel that I have all the responsibilty of marraige without the commitments being formally made.

Sounds like you want to get married but they're not as keen? Don't settle for something you're not happy for.


Sorry I'm not trying to make you leave your partner, it just seems that you are genuinely unhappy with a lot of aspects of the relationship. Also, some things don't seem likely change either, from what I can see. Are you holding out in the hope that they will?

LegacyUser

Hi guys

It's op here again. Thanks for your feedback. I have decided to talk to the OH about my concerns. They are out every night this week with commitments and we will have their child this weekend so I dont know when the conversation will happen.

Funny this is I went to pay my parking ticket yesterday and the machine said. "change is possible"

I will give my OH the chance to work on these things with me. At least then if I do walk away, I will have given us a chance. Thanks for your help. I will post up in the next week to say how things went.

Again thanks for feedback

Op

kerryman12

best of luck

LegacyUser

Hi guys op here again. Other half started talking to me when he got home and it all came out.

It didnt go very well. He is sleeping in the other room. He is hurt and angry. I can understand why its all a bit out of the blue as far as he can see. Not sure were we go from here... Its been a bit of a bombshell.

Feel utterly crap.

OP

sbsquarepants

thinking wrote: »

Funny this is I went to pay my parking ticket yesterday and the machine said. "change is possible"

Op

Ha! Change is always possible. Sh1tty as it sounds you dont owe this bloke anything, anymore than he doesn't owe you. Personaly speaking, i think the most infuriating thing anyone can say to you is "i gave up x to be with you". Being with anyone means you miss out on certain things, that's just life, no one wants to hear it!
It's a fairly simple equation, does what you gain from being there outweigh what you loose? Only you can answer that, and if the answer is no then you have to look out for yourself and cut your losses. It's sad, no doubt about it, but this is the only life you'll get, if you throw it away you will most certainly regret it!! But don't be hasty and remember everyone wonders from time to time!

greenprincess

Hi,

At least things are all out in the open now. He can have a serious think about what he wants. Is there a friend you could stay with for a few days? Give ye both some space to think.

kerryman12

greenprincess wrote: »

Hi,

At least things are all out in the open now. He can have a serious think about what he wants. .

exactly, give it a few days and maybe bring it up again - dont let it just sit there unresolved.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Hi guys

Op here again. We are going to have a talk this evening. We will see how it goes. I do have family who wouldnt mind my kipping on a couch if needed.

Fingers crossed wont be needed.

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

Op here again. So we had a talk about most of the stuff last night and are in a better place for it. We made some agreements to arrange time together and have some us time. Somethings we didn't deal with i.e. the I may want children in the future issue. But I am ok with that for now as it seems that we are on the same page now.

I know that everyone has doubts and I think that we can work on things together. I still love my other half dearly and am willing to continue to invest in this relationship as long as work together.

Thanks for your time and comments.