GF wants to move in with me too early

LegacyUser

Right, I'll try and keep this short and sweet.

I've been dating my GF for 9 months now and she's become very eager to move in with me. I'm in the middle of a 9 month contract which doesn't finish up until June so I don't want to move anywhere. She's fine with waiting though she would prefer if we did ASAP.

She's had some troubles in her childhood, sees a councilor every week and currently lives with her mother who she's finding a bit smothering at the moment. I understand her desire to move out but me being on the dole I want to save up, finish my WPP1 job, and then get a place for just me and her.

Anywho, she came to a realisation with her councilor that she can't sleep right in her own bed so she came up with the idea that she'd move into my room. I'm a very independant person who enjoys his own company as much as others and I revel in those times I have alone to myself so I didn't particulary warm to the idea.

I share a house with others and the sitting room is never used (No TV in the house) so when the GF stays over we just hang about in my tiny room. It's not how I want to start living with her, I want a proper place for us.

Anyways, she was disappointed that I said no and through guilt (she said she'll now sleep on the couch whenever she stays at home) she haggled 5 days of the week to stay over.

Don't get me wrong, she's not a manipulative girl and I understand why she's so mad to move in with me to leave her house. I just enjoy my own time and I feel like it's been stripped away in one foul-swoop. She always falls asleep around 9 / 10pm leaving me stuck sitting on the single bed beside her staying silent.

I don't know what kind of repsonses I'm expecting here, moving in with her in a few months doesn't bother..........in fact, I'm looking forward to it but at the moment I feel a bit smothered myself.

Neyite

She cant just move into your room in a rented place without asking you, and giving your flatmates a chance to weigh in- its not just about her in your room, an extra person means adding to the bathroom/hot water queue in the morning, and extra person eating, sleeping and doing laundry etc. Thats really disrespectful to your flatmates.

A flatmate some years ago had a girlfriend who took it upon herself to move in- once we realised, he was told straight that she would have to move her stuff back out pronto, if they both had such little respect for the rest of us not even to check if it was ok.

Why wont she rent a place by herself in a flatshare?

mood

You don't just move in with someone so you can leave home. Very childish attitude IMO and probably won't work out because it's done for the wrong reasons.

Kimono-Girl

ok first of all it sounds to me that she is running from her problems not fixing them,

if she is seeing a councilor i would suggest you go along with her to the next session and discuss this with her councilor, when i was in counseling they welcomed my partner at the time, and my friends as it gave them a chance to talk privately to them about what my behaviour was like outside of sessions,

to be honest if you feel smothered then its not right, when you both move in together it should be when you both feel ready, it sounds like she is pressuring you, i would suggest maybe if you can talk to her reasonably, recommend she try living in a house share first to get used to the pressure of living away from home, bills...etc, and to gain some independence, maybe suggest she needs space and not to live with someone she loves.

mood

I think your dole may be means tested as well as you would be a 'cohabiting' couple. Even the end of your WPP1 wouldn't be the right time to move in together. You should really wait until you have a job as this could effect when you need to live and one bed room apts are expensive.

Does she work? Point out that it's not just a choice between living at home and living with you. She could get a room in a share house. It 's also the cheapest option.

She's being selfish. It's great that you care so much about making her happy, and I'm by no means saying she's a bad person or anything, but this is very inconsiderate of her. 5 days is too much. You shouldn't have a set number of days she can stay over anyway. Talk to her again and explain that this isn't simply a case of whether you want her there or not, that there's other considerations like flatmates, utilities, your own space, not getting good enough sleep with the two of you in the single bed together, needing to be up early for work. Definitely talk to your flatmates about it.

She is totally within her rights to expect support from you in solving her issues. This however, isn't support, this is completely facilitating her, and solving her problem for her. Not to mention that doing this doesn't actually help the issues underlying the problem. Attaining your independence is something you HAVE to do on your own. She can't use you for it. Being her home away from home is just letting her fall into denial. I don't mean to be the voice of doom, but what if you two broke up one day? She'd be homeless, jobless, burnt bridges with her mother, and would have no idea of how to take care of her own life.

Distorted

STUCK! wrote: »

Anywho, she came to a realisation with her councilor that she can't sleep right in her own bed so she came up with the idea that she'd move into my room.

Um, thats weird.

STUCK! wrote: »

so when the GF stays over we just hang about in my tiny room. It's not how I want to start living with her, I want a proper place for us.

Naturally enough.

STUCK! wrote: »

Anyways, she was disappointed that I said no and through guilt (she said she'll now sleep on the couch whenever she stays at home) she haggled 5 days of the week to stay over.

Again, a bit weird. Its better to be invited, no?

STUCK! wrote: »

I don't know what kind of repsonses I'm expecting here, moving in with her in a few months doesn't bother..........in fact, I'm looking forward to it but at the moment I feel a bit smothered myself.

I would go by your gut instinct. These are all big red flags. You can have a perfectly good relationship without moving in together. She can get her own place if she wants to sleep in another bed that much. If you feel smothered now, its only likely to get far, far worse if she moves in with you, and it will be far more difficult to extricate yourself.

She sounds as if she is scared to be alone. Moving in with you is only going to play to her co-dependency when whats she needs to do is to learn to stand on her own two feet.

zxcvbnm1

Op - don't feel you have to agree to let her move in. It's not in anyway unreasonable for you to say you are not ready for that yet. She will get over it quite quickly.

Brown Eyed Girl 2011

Just be honest, tell her its too soon. Tell her you want to keep dating for now. Tell her that living in a single bed room in your rented flatshare is not your perfect idea of co-habitation. Tell her that you want a proper place for the two of ye and are not in a position financially to be able to do that.

To be honest, it would be a huge mistake moving in, especially since she's in such a codependent state. The idea that I was somehow responsible for someone elses happiness (as in, the ridiculous idea of her having to sleep in your bed) would make me want to run a mile.

She needs to be happy in herself first. Living together puts a strain on even the happiest of couples. Theres bills, day to day domestic stuff to grapple with. So, be firm and stand your ground.

Tell her you're holding out for the perfect place and time, unfortunately that is not now.

I would also like to add that if she has never lived away from the parental home, its not likely she would be able to segue to living at such close quarters with a partner, sharing a room etc, so easily. Just a thought.

Take care OP.