I've Ruined My Life

LegacyUser

I'm looking for people's opinions/advice and generally just any perspective that can help, because all I'm doing is going round and round in circles in my head...

It's a long story so I'll try to be as brief as possible.

I'm in my mid 20's. In a relationship the past 8 yrs. I've always been happy, and love my O/H more than anything. We started going out when we were both 18/19. Her parents were separated, and she had no contact with her father. Her mother passed away suddenly when we were 21/22. The family home wasn't owned but rented from the local authority, and my GF was left on her own when her mother passed away.

I moved in more or less straight away, and we took out a mortgage to buy the house. At the time, I was 100% sure that it was the right thing to do, and that I wanted to do it. We've been together since then and have had 8 happy years together.

Fast forward to Nov/Dec 2010... I make friends with a girl who recently started working in the same office as me. She's a little younger than me, but not much. At first I didn't speak to her much or even take any notice. But we eventually get talking and I find myself liking her more and more.

She's fun to be around, outgoing, confident, outspoken, and gorgeous. At first It's all just friendship and a lot of fun... But it starts to get a little more serious. We begin chatting online and txting when we're not in work.

Nothing physical actually happens, but I find myself more and more attracted to her and thinking about her a lot. I'm thinking about her so much in fact that it's really starting to make me feel very guilty. Christmas & New Years comes and goes... and I try to concentrate on my O/H and put this girl out of my mind.

By mid-January I'm feeling a lot for this girl, and it's becoming obvious that she feels something for me too. She tells me out straight that she wasn't looking for a relationship, and that this came out of the blue for her, and besides - she would never get involved with someone who is in a relationship. Whatever was said, it doesn't change how I'm feeling.

By late January the guilt got so much that I eventually broke down and confessed to my O/H. I told her about the feelings I was having, and she now knows about this other girl. Now the thing that's really getting to me is that I'm not sure if it's just this other girl that has me feeling this way; or if it's the fact that I always had this tiny seed planted in the back of my mind which made me resent being 'forced' into settling down too early - and resent my O/H for that.

I wasn't ready for all the responsibility, but what could I do? At the time I was convinced that it was the right thing to do... Now I'm not so sure. All my friends are only now at the stage I was at a few years ago - settling down with partners, buying places together etc.

So to give each other some breathing space we decided to spend some time apart. I'm back staying with my parents temporarily, she is in our house; and it's making me miserable. But I don't want to go home just because I cant stand staying in my parents place. If I decide to go home it has to be because I'm still in love with my partner.

In the meantime, I'm still thinking about this other girl. By now, I've found out through a mutual friend that she was really starting to like me too. But all of this is too much for her. She doesn't want to be involved or possibly blamed for a relationship breaking up - so she has distanced herself from me. I put a lot of pressure on her with all of this. She is trying to do what's right, but it's killing me. She maintains that she is happy being single and that I can't use her as an excuse or a reason to make such a serious decision. I know she's right, and that I have to decide what's right for me - whether that means breaking up as our relationship is over, or trying to give it another go.

The problem is, I really honestly don't know. My head is a mess.

kerryman12

sunflower27 wrote: »

Well in fairness, you didnt have to get a mortgage with your girlfriend so young. She could have sold the house. I dont think you should resent her for a choice you made of your own free will.

So, is your partner your only adult relationship? I remember feeling similar when I was with my first bf when most my friends were out doing the casual thing. We were living together straight after college and it made me wonder what i was missing.

How did you gf react to the news? Is there any chance she is having similar doubts?

I think some time out will give you the clarity you need to decide what you want.

good advice there.

Your life isnt runied lad, not at all. Right now you have some very difficult decisions to make but what every happen you will come out the other side of this one.

Best of luck to you

Permabear

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Monkey Allen

Permabear wrote: »

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I think he means in hindsight he wasn't ready.

I agree with the above posters though, you've not ruined your life. Just getting to the stage where things are being questioned.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Thanks for the replies. As Monkey Allen suggested, it's with hindsight that I'm seeing that I wasn't ready. But at the time, nothing would have stopped me.

@ sunflower27: I know I didn't have to get a mortgage... but as for what you were saying about selling the house; it didn't belong to her to sell. Her and her mother were long term tenants. We took out the mortgage so that she could stay living in what was essentially her family home that she grew up in. If we didn't buy it she would have been moved to a smaller place by the council - and she didn't want to leave her family home.
As for your question about whether my girlfriend is having similar doubts, she isn't. She says that all she wants is me and thats it.

In the last few days I've moved back home, and we agreed to take it slowly and give it another go. She is trying her best to put it behind us and move on. She's really making an effort to put some sort of spark back into our relationship, but I'm still feeling the same way. I cant bear the thought of hurting her, but I'm absolutely miserable at the moment the way things are.

What's confusing and hurting me also is that the other girl has really distanced herself from me at this stage. She doesn't want any part in this; and in fairness she's probably right in what she's saying (that I need space to sort out my head, and can't use her as a reason to decide to end things etc..) but all that's happening is that I'm really missing her!

Anyway, I went to see a counselor last week to talk things through; and I have another session booked this week. I really hope I can figure out what to do, because I can't continue like this.

fungun

Sounds like the other girl is trying to do her best for you, I wouldnt be hurt by that.
If you really want to give it another go with your gf its best the other girl is further away from you. Fair play to her.

Setun

When in a long term relationship, sometimes people fantasise about leaving a loving partner to be single and meet somebody new.

When single, sometimes people fantasise about being in a stable long term relationship with a loving partner.

The grass is always greener, to use a tired cliché. You really need to ask yourself if you have become bored with the way things are with your gf (all couples settle into habits) which could be worked on, or if there is a deeper issue you're having in the relationship. If you think you're only interested in this new girl to escape from stasis and experience some sort of new sexual/romantic excitement, your escape will only be transient.

Permabear

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dan_d

It's all very well to say that Permabear, but your brain doesn't just switch off overnight like that. If you've got into the habit of thinking certain thoughts, it can be hard to stop....you can certainly stop, but not with the flip of a switch.

Fair play to you for trying OP. I have no answers for you, other than to keep going to this counsellor, and see how you get on. Everyone here will tell you different things according to their own experience in life. Mine is that everyone is different; what some people believe to be true (through what they've experienced) is not the same for everyone.

What I will say is that the other girl is doing the right thing, and fair play to her for it. Also to your girlfriend for being willing to give it a try again.To be honest OP, you will probably never find the "right" answer to your questions, but at least try and find a solution that you are happy with.Be wary of getting into the habit of second-guessing yourself however...it's something I've done lately and it's horrible, and doesn't solve any of your problems.

Permabear

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