Should I Go Back?

k4kate

I am a woman who was married for 25 years but had felt unhappy for the last ten years. I stayed because I had young children and was prepared to stay to safeguard the family environment for them.

Suddenly, out of the blue, I met a man. I fell totally and utterly in love with this man within weeks and he with me. We ended up having an affair which lasted 5 months till his wife found out. She rang my husband and we were both outed. She asked him to leave and he did. My husband begged me to stay but I left to be with this new man. We moved in together a month later but our children stayed with our spouses. We both have three children, all in their teens. That was a year ago.

I am finding things a lot harder than I thought. My siblings are supportive as they realised years ago my marriage was in trouble, but my friends are very different with me. We live not too far away from our families so we can see respective children and I find that while my new partner (Jim) is generally well accepted, I am shunned a lot. There appears to be an opinion that the break up of our families is my fault.

Also my husband is devastated and constantly asks me to come home on any terms. Friends and family are worried about him and some of them have asked me can I not return, for the kids' sakes.My children do spend some time with me but they do not like Jim so things are strained. They miss me and want me home. I see them every day but they are still often upset when I leave. His children will not visit at all and his family have made it clear that he is welcome at family events, I am never to be included. This is upsetting for him and compelling him to make choices between his family and me. I insist he attends these weddings/concerts /matches/engagement parties etc but it is getting increasingly difficult to be always excluded.

All in all I love this man but am more miserable than I was when I lived with my husband. Should I go back home so that the family I have responsibility for has some home life?

Anyone else been through this? Any advice?

astra2000

I dont think anyone can tell you what to do for the best. You say you are unhappier now than ever and I can understand that because if my children werent happy then I without a shadow of a doubt could not be happy. I think you should consider moving into a place of your own and concentrate on rebuilding a relationship with them.

metrovelvet

No one can tell you what is best to do but I will have to be the bearer of bad news.

1. If you stay where you are, imo your relationship will ultimately self destruct because of the context in which it was founded and because you do not have the support of the community or your family. You are already miserable, you will bring that misery into the relationship and whatever else is shadowing you around. If you were stoic enough to sustain the blows of your children's hurt and the consequences of breaking up your family, maybe, but it it takes a certain lack of humanity to do that and ultimately you would end up paying for it one way or another. Or you can just accept that they will never understand or accept Jim and you may just have to accept that as the price for your happiness.

2. If you go back, you cant ever go back all the way. You will have now broken this man's heart, who left his wife and children for you, and you will have to renegotiate trust and build up a trust with your family which has been most heartily broken. And you dont seem to love your husband either.

3. Or you can move into your own place and be on your own for a while and re establish a relationship with your children on your own.

LegacyUser

I think your situation summarises exactly why people recommend staying by the family's side even if you are a tad unhappy. When you marry and have children, your family must come first, even if your children are 14 or 15 and you feel they're past depending on you. Your needs are no longer the most important thing, you are part of a family unit.

Did you try counselling with your husband before leaving? Would you be willing to give it a try if you're considering returning to him? Running away on a whim is never a good idea.

The situation with the other man will never improve so you'll have to put up with the problems if you want to be with him.

I don't understand how as a mother you can't put your children first. If you can't be with your husband, be alone for a while. Both you and your current partner should make sure your children are happy first and foremost. After that, you can consider your needs.

Distorted

I think leaving a marriage you are desperately unhappy in is very brave. So many people stay stuck in a rut, wanting to leave but never having the courage. So since you have already left and caused most of the damage you are going to cause in terms of your children and husband, you should do what would make you happiest. Not what makes other people happy. Because that way you are more likely to stick at it. If you miss your husband and your way of life with him, you might want to think about going back. Although be prepared to put up with a lot of blaming til things settle down again. If you are really happy with your new man, don't go back.

I think its you who should be the priority, followed by your children and your husband. What other people say is not so important. You will always get gossips and anyone from your family who judges you instead of supporting you is not worth getting upset over. However I would say that your children are probably going to feel abandoned, and if you stay with Jim, you should do everything you can to make them feel wanted. I don't think though that you should give up your entire life for your children and no longer live for yourself.

Taltos

OP - I don't envy you - from what I can see there is no way to make all your worries go away.

In an ideal world you would have ended your marriage first publicly, before getting together with someone else.
However - no now matter what both of you will be labelled as home wreckers - even if that home was a sham at least for each of you.

First off though - I am going to tell you that you need to grow a thick skin - as long as you live in this area you will be thus labelled - even when you go home... Personally I hate emotional blackmail - I find it insidious and a natural part of many Irish families.

Can I suggest the following - feel free to disregard as you choose - I am talking from my head here:
1. Sit down with your new partner, and figure out what it is both of you want from life, each other and your families. Some of these now will be unrealistic. You might need to do this separately. Ideally #1 on this list should be to be with the other person.
2. If you are going to stay together - then each of you need to have a serious talk with your extended families. I cannot advise if you each should be there for these talks - it might make things diffcult - but it also passes a clear signal. You need to send a simple message to the kids - they are loved and always will be - they are part of you. Old partners - apologies - recognize that the marriage is over and inform them you are starting proceedings for disolution etc. Extended family - thank them for their concern - but they have to respect your choices, if they cannot then it is their choice that they are excluding themselves from the life you are building - this means that family invitations are to you both otherwise just don't bother...

Right now though you and your partner need to really work through this anger and hate directed at you both, you may need professional help doing this. You may even need time apart to be 100% sure that this is what you want.

No matter what though - there will be people who will not accept your choices and who will go out of their way to make your life hell. (Thnking of the mother of one of my in-laws here - she knows who she is - and so do we - a twisted bitter woman).

Remember - with the choices you have made it will never be the way it was. It can be better though (I have seen it first hand, they did go thru hell but 15yrs later they are still together, in fact got married just last year - still though pariahs to an extent in their families, mainly due to the lies and broken promises to the kids...) - it might just take alot of work - you have to ask yourself though - are you both up for that???

Best of luck.

k4kate

Well, well well, what a difference 2 weeks can make. Thank you to you who posted answers. Food for thought and plenty of it. Took the advice of Metrovelvet and Astra2000. I am posting this from my own place. (Living on my own is so peaceful) Taking time for myself and family. Still seeing Jim, we agree to 3 nights a week for each other (when I am not on nights!!) 3 for family and one to be alone (no ringing, no texting, no contact) Things are good. Jim's girls are spending this weakend with him and my sons and daughter will spend some of midterm with me. Thank you again to those who answered, you helped me do what I knew was right all along. Will PM you

LegacyUser

Well done on things working out.It may be brave to have left an unhappy marriage, but it's equally brave to admit you may have made a slightly hasty mistake, and to take a step back.While you will never keep everybody happy in these situations, the important thing is that you are happy, and those important to you (especially your children are happy).

You're a very strong woman, and I hope things work out well for you.Sounds like they're beginning to!

Taltos

Really glad it is working out for you. I know you may hit rough times again - at the usual times for example - birthdays etc. Just take it slowly and don't let anyone rush/pressure you into something you don't want.

Nice to see a happy ending on a Friday evening

k4kate

Happy ending? I am not so sure........ A long road ahead of us both but at least now I am having space to think. And his kids coming to stay a huge step forward for him.


I luuuuuv weakends

Taltos

You have to think positively about these things, it does appear from what you have told us that you made a really wise choice. I think having this time alone is vital - a really excellent time to just get your own head straight.

Hope the weekend goes well for you.

astra2000

You sound in a much better place I wish you all the best and hope that you find happiness.

Letyourselfgo

Well done,
I was reading from the start of this thread and knew what I wanted to post but you've already taken this action so fair play.
And for those who think you should have stayed in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids that's just crap, history has a habit of repeating itself and what your doing is telling your kids it's ok to leave an unhappy relationship.

qwerty13

Letyourselfgo wrote: »

Well done,
I was reading from the start of this thread and knew what I wanted to post but you've already taken this action so fair play.
And for those who think you should have stayed in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids that's just crap, history has a habit of repeating itself and what your doing is telling your kids it's ok to leave an unhappy relationship.

Totall agre with the above. My folks were less than happy, and I can remember rows as far back as when I was around 3. The rows pretty much stopped by the time I was in my teens - only to be replaced by coldness and snipping at each other. And tension. I can't know if it definitely would've been better for them to split, but I do feel that anything would've been preferable to the air of cold contempt that always pervaded the house.

I really think it has coloured my views of relationships, turned me into a committment-phobe, and also sent me opposite way to my folks: I hate conflict so much that I push things under the carpet, and I know I try too hard to 'make everything ok' without addressing any problems. Not a good idea. I don't mean that my view of the world can be totally put down to my parents relationship, but there's a lot that I wish was different and not as negative in my past.

So I just wanted to say that if anyone tells you that you should've stayed "for the sake of the kids", I would seriously question that. Especially being told that by my mother - that was the real icing on the cake!