mother taking over my life

LegacyUser

I have just turned 30, female and still living at home,even though I have a full time job the rent would put a huge dent in my monthly finances. My mother however doesnt seem to want me to have an adult independent life.
For example I am home at 6.30 most evenings I have three close friends who usually ring me from about 7.30 or so for a chat, I love catching up as where I work I dont have many work mates so its nice to have that contact, my best friend might ring me around ten for maybe an hour or two. My mother hates this and says that I would rather talk to my mates than speak to her and that I should turn my phone off as they are only talking about crap anyway and that I should give her some time. I spend my day off with my mam each week we nearly always go for lunch or go shopping, yet she tells me I ahve no time for her I cant win.
My company has offered me the chance to go to scotland for a month on a work placement in a different section of the company. I am not interested in theat particualr department but have agreed to go as moving for the month will give me a break from my current job and its usually a good bit of craic when they go activities at night etc so I really want to go, however my mam is saying she will be lonely when I am gone. I asked her if she would be alright on her own at night and she replied "I will have to be wont I" she is saying its stupit going over that its not a nice place and she would go over there if she was paid a million euro.Has anyone any advice on this, what is her problem ? or is it me being selfish? Please Help!!!

astra2000

By living at home you are actively making the choice to allow your mother to continue to have control over you. In an ideal situation you would be able to live at home and come and go as you wish but seeing as your mother is not going to give you that freedom, then you need to decide if you will continue to put up with it or take the hit to your finances and move out. Are you saving to buy your own place if so it may be worth speaking with your mum and seeing if you can put up living at home for another while until you get your deposit together. And what ever you do make sure you go to Scotland, your mother is been really selfish. I think going away may be good for you and it may give you the incentive to get your act together and move out before you are completly suffocated. Best of luck.

Milkmaid

Hi OP, think you are in a bit of a bind alright. Some parents can grow dependent on their children, it can depend on personalities and if someone lives alone it can be harder to face getting older..
My mum (God rest her) was very protective of me and when you wrote the bit where your mum said about not going over to Scotland it made me smile as that is exactly what mine was like..I can look back and smile now but at the time there was nothing I could do to change her ways.
I had to move away, I made a bad choice of partner and part of this was I had no freedom at home and financially had to live with someone(last recession) to move out.
I think you are going to have to make some changes, take the Scottish placement..and hang tough. Try to set some boundaries in place about freedom.
I really wish I had done this.....my younger siblings did do this and they had it easier. My problem was I hated confrontation and I should have just said "I am not backing down".
You aren't being unreasonable at all...hardly wild or causing havoc by doing normal stuff.
I would not move out just yet, things may improve . I don't think your mum is selfish, just a bit too much of a mum and has got dependent on you.
I have a grown up son and I really have found it hard to let go..but I do it as I know it caused conflict when I was young..it can be a very hard thing to do though.
Hang in there.

petethebrick

You shouldn't still be living at home at 30 years of age. It's no excuse to say that renting would put a dent in your monthly finances - guess what - its the same for everyone. If you insist on living at home then you'll just have to acccept the limitations that places on your independence. Your mother will have to deal with staying on her own which I'm sure she will adapt to given time. No chance will happen until you make the move however.

LegacyUser

becky3030 wrote: »

I have just turned 30, female and still living at home,even though I have a full time job the rent would put a huge dent in my monthly finances. My mother however doesnt seem to want me to have an adult independent life.

You don't have an adult independent life. You are still living at home at 30. What are you waiting for to move out of home? a dent in your monthly finances if life it happens to everyone you just adapt to that.
You either have to tell you mother to back off or move out

Elbi

Just because OP lives at home does not give her mother a right to be so controlling of her. The mother is obviously needy and a little selfish, maybe even jealous the Op has friends to chat to and spend time with.

You argue that the mother is good to leave her live there in the family home but by the sounds of it she wouldn't like Op to move out.

As for living at home at 30. I have friends with full time jobs that live a home simply because they cant afford to live alone on the wages they get, I live alone and I'd love to move home and Im nearly 30.

I think have a word with her tell her how you feel maybe she doesnt realise how demanding she can be.

Peanut2011

Sorry OP but I don't think there is a kind way to say this. If you don't like it move out!

From what you said you are fine to stay at home at get all the benefits but when the mother gets attached like she did you think it's not good. How did you think she will behave if you have always been by her side?

Is there any other kids in the family? Are they living at home?

Unfortunately I could be a lot more sympathetic if you said you could not afford to move out, but you are saying it would make a dent. Well that is the part and parcel of growing up. You start paying your own way, be it rent or bills!

Only you can change this and I'd say it's time to move out, if not on your own, rent a room somewhere!

LegacyUser

Yes great advice I am going to consider moving in the next few months, there are 2 other siblings one see's her once a week for about a 2 hour visit the other might pop in maybe four times per week to visit while they are on their lunch break for maybe 45 mins at a time.
But can somebody tell me am I being selfish for coming home from work having my dinner (mainly with her) for about 45 mins or so chatting about the day and then spending the rest of the night in my room ( if I am staying in ) reading, on internet and chating on phone for a few hours I would normally then pop down around half eleven or twelve as she goes asleep late and have a cup of tea and a quick 15 chat before I go to bed. I also ring her during my working day maybe a 5 /10 min call, and as I said in my previous post I usually spend my day off with her out shopping/lunch , but then feel terrible guilty if I spent the other day off with friends or alone.
She also insists on going into my room to tidy it every day and do my washing but I keep telling her not to as I can never find anything then and want to do my own thing anyway but she will then say "well if i dont do it it wont be done" but thats my business. Her biggest gripe at the moment is that soon after I come home my textx messages bleep and I will sometimes have to answer them and sometimes I wait until I have had my dinner but she tells me that I should turn off my phone when I come home and that my friends are not worth talking to.
also she went mad last week I has just in middle of a curry i got from take away after coming home from work when I got a call from a friend. This friend I hardly ever see now as she is so busy with things going on in her life but she is one of the funniest people and really cheers me up when she calls and I had loads to tell her so I left my dinner to re-heat later and took the call went upsdtairs for about an hour then came back down and finsihed me dinner.she went crazy saying it was absurd to allow a friend to ruin my dinner when I could have called back.But this wasnt possible as she would have been busy if i called later and there was important things going on in her life I wanted to hear about, was I wrong to take the call?

dub_3

Definitely take the Scottish Job, it's only for a few weeks anyway.

I think it would do both yourself and your mum good to see you can live without one and other.

Sell the trip to her as something you need to do to benefit your career, i.e. the company like to see people being flexible. Or put any spin on it to suggest the company is pushing this trip rather than it being something you're doing of your own choice.

That may make it seem less like you're abandoning her.

After the trip I really think you should consider moving out.
House sharing is great for not putting to big a dent in your finances,
and it can be very social too.

What about your friends, are any of them in house shares, they could tell you if a room comes up.

Or any friends got a spare room and could do with a bit of company and a few quid?

Or a few of you could get together and look for a place.

Just cos you've moved out doesn't mean you won't still go shopping with your mum, and at least at the start you could go home every weekend.

Even one night at home with your mum every week (and your phone turned off) could be better 'quality time' for both of you than what you have now.

P.S. getting into a house share and getting more social makes it more likely you will find a partner, than if you were sitting at home with Mum.

AnonoBoy

Rent is a huge dent in finances alright. But guess what? So is a mortgage. You can afford to move out, I managed it at 19 and I bet I was getting paid a lot less than you are in your job.

So you will either have to accept that spending money on rent is something most people just have to live with and do it or else live with your mother until she dies and you inherit her house.

You really need to move out. It's not healthy living with your mother at 30 years of age when you have a job.

ztoical

OP are you paying any sort of rent to your mum? Are you paying your share of the bills that come in? Is mammy still buying the food, cooking the food, washing your clothes, cleaning your room etc etc If yes then if you still act like a child then expect to be treated like one.

If you are paying your way and your mother is still being too involved with your private life then you can try talking to her but really your only option is to move out just make sure to set aside time for your mum so she doesn't feel totaly thrown to the side.

Have to say honestly I'd be a little peeved if someone came home and spent several hours on the phone every evening.

tbh

becky3030 wrote: »

was I wrong to take the call?

no, you weren't wrong to take the call, but you were wrong in the way you dealt with your mothers reaction to it.

Everything in life has a price. At the moment, you're saving on rent, but you're still paying a price - that price is your mothers influence in your life. You and only you can decide if that's a price worth paying. If I said to you I had a perfect apartment for 200 a month, you might decide that suddenly your mothers interfering wasn't worth saving 200 a month for. If the rent was 1200, you might decide that her interfering was worth putting up with. That's your call, and thats fair enough.

There's another price / benefit thing that's going on. You're deciding that saying nothing, and having your mother continuing her behavior, is a fair price for having a quiet life, e.g. avoiding confrontation, albeit stressful enough that you'd turn to boards for advice.
For me, it wouldn't be worth it. For me, If my mam had made a big deal out of the curry, I would have said "mam, it's my dinner, it's my friend, it's my choice to make. It might not be the decision you would have made, but it is the decision I made and would make again, so it's just something you're going to have to get used to. If it's going to cause problems, then I should just move out".

If my mam had said "I'll just have to be, won't I" I would have said "Is there something specific you're worried about? Because if there isn't, you're a grown woman, you'll have other family dropping by, you'll be grand, stop being silly". And I wouldn't have given it another thought.

Your mam is a grown woman, and she's trying to make you feel guilty. Whether you let her make you feel guilty is totally up to you. You should know that you're not the one being unreasonable here, and you can put a stop to the behaviour, if you want to.
If you decide that it's too much hassle to confront her, then that's fine too - but you should be prepared to deal with the fact that the behaviour is just going to continue.

You've three choices:
1. Move out
2. Tell her to cop on
3. Deal with it.

What you shouldn't do is assume that the situation will resolve itself magically with no input from you - it won't.

LegacyUser

I have confronted her and we some terrible rows over it sorry i didnt include that fact in earlier posts. For example I told her it was my choice my business over taking that particular call and i did mention i would move out. She responds by saying that its ridiculous talk to say i would move out of home just so i could talk on the phone to that stupid ***** , even though it wouldnt be the whole issue.
I cant even have friends to visit as she makes a proper show of me so im now too embarrassed to ask anyone back. I feel there is no way out.

ztoical

No way out? There's a simple way out and thats to move out. The cost of a room in a house share is not going to make so massive a dent in your wages as to make it not an option. You haven't said if you are paying any rent and/or bills at home and if your not then yes it might be a big shock to the system to have to start paying your way but thems the breaks I'm afraid. It's her house and if she doesn't want you on your phone or getting text massages during meals thats her choice. If you were sharing a house you'd have rights but I assume she either owns the house or is the one paying the rent for it so it's her house so either put up with it or move out. For the sake of your relationship with your mother I would moveand continue to spend the day off with her like you do now at least until she starts to get use to the new living situation.

Distorted

becky3030 wrote: »

My mother however doesnt seem to want me to have an adult independent life.

No, its you who doesn't want to have a full independent life. Its not a question of being selfish - most people have left home by the age of 30. Your mother doesn't seem to be ill or require full time care, so theres nothing selfish about it. Your referrals to you being selfish is a way of using your own fear of being responsible for your life as a way of holding you back.

You are not nearly independent enough for the age of 30. Its a natural instinct to want to gain independence and flee the nest. Your mother has cottoned onto this and clearly hopes she will have a companion til the end of her life. Who can blame her! So unless you are happy still to be in the same situation at 50, do something about it now. I was also a bit astonished to read that you phone your mother while you are at work every day! You are far too co-dependent.

The issue of going to Scotland with your work is neither here nor there. Its a month long work trip. It will not teach you indpendence, but its telling that you see it as such a big thing. Have you any experience of staying away from home at all?

Why don't you just look in the local newsapaper for a room to rent in a shared flat, and move out? Learning to budget is all part of the reason for moving out, and gives you motivation to move onwards in your life, progress your career, etc..

Edited to add I'm based in Scotland and its not a terrible place. True, I think its very rare here to live at home well into adulthood, and perhaps that is what your mother is basing her opinions on. So she might as well condemn the whole of the majority of Northern Europe as well. I guess it depends if you want to do anything interesting in your life and challenge yourself, or always live afraid of the unknown, not really progressing throughout life.

This problem is known as "failure to launch".

the_syco

becky3030 wrote: »

I asked her if she would be alright on her own at night and she replied "I will have to be wont I" she is saying its stupit going over that its not a nice place and she would go over there if she was paid a million euro.Has anyone any advice on this, what is her problem ? or is it me being selfish? Please Help!!!

Sounds like emotional blackmail.

becky3030 wrote: »

but then feel terrible guilty if I spent the other day off with friends or alone.

Sounds like she's being doing the emotional blackmail for some time now?

=-=

My advice: go to Scotland for the month. You'll experience freedom from the emotional blackmail, and once you have a taste of it, I'd say you'll move out quicker.

sam34

newsflash:

having an "adult independent life" involves paying your own way, even if it means you wont have the disposable income you desire, and doing basic activities like cleaning your room and your laundry for yourself.

astra2000

It sounds as though your mother is resentful of your friends and the claim they have over you time, it appears as though in her opinion she and not they should have first "dibs" to it. Does your mother have any interests/hobbies/friends of her own? It sounds as though she has a lot of time on her hands, and I presume going by your age that she is not very old, is it possible to encourage her to develop interests of her own?
It sounds as if ye are quiet close besides and that you do spend a fair amount of time with her, so no I dont think your selfish spending the evening in your room, but doing so is making her feel shut out.
Moving out sounds like the best option, but I think it could damage your relationship if you tell her your moving out due to her cramping your style, try and be diplomatic about it. Best of luck enjoy scotland its meant to be lovely!

username123

Move out and enjoy an adult relationship with your mother thats not defined by control issues or her dependency on you.

Paying rent or a mortgage is a normal part of being an independant adult and not an excuse to stay in a toxic environment where every move is scrutinised, criticised and examined. Just do yourself and your mother a favour and move out, its not healthy for her to be so overly involved in everything you do either.

LegacyUser

Do nothing and one day you'll find yourself in your 50's still shackled to an old woman who will not thank you for being at her side for eternity.
You have only one life, it's your choice to live it or waste it.

RoisinDove

Two words, OP - GROW UP!

I am absolutely dumbfounded to read about a woman of 30 who doesn't want to move out because it would cost too much. What do you think the rest of us do? Your posts come across like the ramblings of a moody teenager. If you want to live at home rent free, putting up with your mother's behaviour is the price you pay. You have absolutely no right whatsoever to be still living there, you're a grown adult. It seems very much like you are using your mother and her home. You want all the advantages of living there (free rent, clothes washed, everything done for you) but you also want to behave like an independent adult by disappearing into your room all night and expecting your mother not to comment. If you move out, you can still call your mother and visit her several times a week, you don't have to completely abandon her. But jeez, move out already. You're about ten years too old to be acting like this.

bubbaloo

I completely agree with the above poster. Your posts sound like a teenager moaning about her mum. You have to be mature and stand on your own two feet. Go to Scotland - get a taste of life without your mother breathing down your neck. You will like it - then grow up and tell your mother you're moving out. Your mother sounds controlling alright but you are allowing her to do so by living in her house at the age of 30!!

You have a choice to either continue as you are and have a decent bit of disposable income. Or to be independent and live with the expense!
You can't have it both ways!

tinkerbell

OP, you've only got yourself to blame. You LET your mother be in total control of your life. Why did you ask her about going to Scotland? You should have just said "I am going to Scotland" rather than asking would she be alright. You are enabling her behaviour.

And clean your room, do your own laundry. You have to start standing up for yourself too. But in fairness, you're 30, and still living at home. What do you think the rest of us do? Mortgage payments / renting ARE a dent in finances but you just get on with it. You're old enough by now to have your own place rather than letting mommy run your entire life. Also, why do you need to be in constant contact with her? Ringing her while you are at work for 5-10 mins yet you see her in the evening? I'll speak to my parents most days by phone but I don't live anywhere near them and I don't see them very often because they live at the other end of the country. I don't see why you need to be ringing her every day when you see her at home as well. You're just making the whole situation worse ...

WhatWillBee

Your mothers probably feeling a bit used.

She probably loves having you there and doing all these things for you but shes also doesnt want you to take the piss and taking her for granted, which you kind of are.

You are living at home, rent free, she does washing / tidying etc (i know you dont ask her to) and then when you come home you cant be bothered to spend more than 15 mins talking to her.




This is an easy fix, sit down and have a chat/dinner with your mother or something when you come in, and then shed prob wont care what you do with the rest of your evening.

Youre not a lodger youre her daughter. If you want to do your own thing, then move out. But if you are living at home with family, (esp rent free) then you have to be more considerate of each other than a houseshare. Trust me when you move out you will miss her terribly, so use this time!

Zen65

becky3030 wrote: »

I have just turned 30, female and still living at home,....

My mother however doesnt seem to want me to have an adult independent life.

......
Has anyone any advice on this, what is her problem ? or is it me being selfish?

My guess: your mother is lonely. She's over 60?

I'm guessing that while you're at work she has very little adult contact? She looks to you as being the person who can take her out of her loneliness but you don't do that. She sees your friendships with others as taking away from the "quality time" she wants to have with you. She tries to provide you with services which make it unattractive to leave her (such as cleaning your room) and because she invests this effort in you she is disappointed with the limited return she gets from it.

I imagine that in the evening, she sits alone downstairs and watches TV (or some other solitary activity) and wants the warmth of human conversation. The loneliness is actually made more poignant by the fact that you are physically so close, and yet you prioritise your friends over her. She cannot see that during the day you are working and not socialising; from her perspective all the time you spend away from her is "your time" so when you are at home she has an expectation that you would share more of your time with her, not just the polite chat for 45 minutes when you come in.

She is not being manipulative intentionally. She is being manipulative because her loneliness drives her to try to get more of your time.

The time you spend away from her hurts her. While she hears you chat happily on the phone upstairs it reinforces how lonely she is, and how big the gap is between her and her closest child. This is the source of her apparent bitterness towards your friends.

What do you do about this?

You could move out as suggested in so many other posts. I would suggest that before you do, you try to help her find friends her own age that she can spend time with. She may have family nearby, but perhaps for various reasons she is not that close to them? Perhaps you could help her to get involved in some activity group?

Go to Scotland. It might be the catalyst that convinces her she can live without you. She is trying to persuade you not to go because she fears having to make that change in her life, of having to seek her quota of human contact from people she does not know too well. I suspect from your posts she is not good at making friends?

When you go, make it clear to her that you are not leaving her, you are going to better your life / career options. Keep in touch by phone regularly when you go, but when you talk encourage her to get out and try new activities. Tell her you'd be disappointed to come home after a month and find she had sat in the house by herself all that time.

Be at peace,

Z

mood

Why won't you consider moving out?

okiss

You are 30 and you still live at home. Your complaining about your mother.
It's time to leave home and find a house share or bedsit. I know that you have a certain wage each week or month but why live at home at this stage. Are you living at home to get a mortgage in the next 12 to 24 months by saving hard or is it just to have more income?
You should look at moving out of home when you come back from Scotland.
I know of one person who is now almost 40 and still living at home with elderly parents waiting for a husband to come along and she should have left home by the age of 30. Her mother knows her every move and comments about her not been married but she lacks the get up and go to leave home.
This is what is waiting for you.

Debthree

Zen65, that is a fantastic post. OP, read that post a few times. I think it makes a lot of sense. Good luck to you. Just to add to Zen's post, perhaps you could involve your mum in your Scotland plans? For example, ask her to go shopping with you for some new clothes, ask her to help you pack and to help you choose accommodation etc. Maybe even have her over there for a weekend? This is all about quality, not quantity. Lessen the time you are in the house with her but ensure that when you are there, it's quality time and that she knows she is important to you.

Beruthiel

becky3030 wrote: »

I have just turned 30, female and still living at home,even though I have a full time job the rent would put a huge dent in my monthly finances.

So what? All adults leave home at some stage and pay for the roof over their heads.
Your mother has grown to expect too much from you and her expectations are unrealistic.
It's time she made a life of her own and it's time you did too. Move out, it's well past time.

Up-n-atom!

Reading this is making me so sad...I agree with Zen65, reading into the situation it seems like your mum is quite dependent because she doesn't get out of the house much or have a great social life, which is something you should try to encourage. If she's less fixated on what you're doing I don't think she's going to take every decision that you make in your life so personally. Also, you mentioned other siblings; how much do they see her or how much are they invovled in her life? It could be nice for her to have a bit of variety in her life and not be so dependent on you for social contact.

I also think you should seriously consider moving out - that way you could maintain a good relationship with your mother instead of fixating on every little criticism - you could both be happier and more independent if it's handled properly. A house-share is the way to go - you could end up having a better social life yourself out of it instead of talking to your friends over the phone.

JajaD

becky3030 wrote: »

I have just turned 30, female and still living at home,even though I have a full time job the rent would put a huge dent in my monthly finances. My mother however doesnt seem to want me to have an adult independent life.
For example I am home at 6.30 most evenings I have three close friends who usually ring me from about 7.30 or so for a chat, I love catching up as where I work I dont have many work mates so its nice to have that contact, my best friend might ring me around ten for maybe an hour or two. My mother hates this and says that I would rather talk to my mates than speak to her and that I should turn my phone off as they are only talking about crap anyway and that I should give her some time. I spend my day off with my mam each week we nearly always go for lunch or go shopping, yet she tells me I ahve no time for her I cant win.
My company has offered me the chance to go to scotland for a month on a work placement in a different section of the company. I am not interested in theat particualr department but have agreed to go as moving for the month will give me a break from my current job and its usually a good bit of craic when they go activities at night etc so I really want to go, however my mam is saying she will be lonely when I am gone. I asked her if she would be alright on her own at night and she replied "I will have to be wont I" she is saying its stupit going over that its not a nice place and she would go over there if she was paid a million euro.Has anyone any advice on this, what is her problem ? or is it me being selfish? Please Help!!!

Does your mam not have other members of family or friends to talk to? your 30, so you should have flown the nest by now anyway. Maybe its a sign that you need to move out. I would anyway if i had to listen to that. You need to be able to have friends, work wherever u want, and be home at what ever time u want. Im 24 and can do whatever i want, i can go wherever i want, talk to my friends for hours. I see her everyday but i have total independence of my life because i always have done what i want. But we get on so well. Think your mam needs something else to focus on and not be jealous of you.

Danniboo

OP, I'm actually shocked at your post. You're 30, move out. Do you pay rent at home? Is that true what your mother says about if she doesn't do the washing it doesn't get done? I'm not surprised your mothers annoyed you waltz around her house come home get your dinner handed to you, let her do your washing, and then shut yourself in your room and moan when you have to spend time with her, this reads like a spoilt teenager

Just a thought, is it possible the mother is annoyed with you for being on the phone for hours when you could be cleaning your room/doing your laundry? As you're two days a week are spent "shopping and eating out" (there's your rent money right there) you probably don't do it yourself. As for that being "your business", screams teenager again, well sorry but it's actually her business too, it's her house.