Is it ED OR ME?

xsara 1982

I am in a relationship over a yr now. Sex life was brill at the start (4/5months) then he became disinterested. He seemed to be constantly tired and not in the form. I asked him why he did not want to have sex with me anymore and he said he is just exhausted and stressed from work(which he was) and mortgage worries(which he has) etc and does not have the energy. I asked him to go to the doctor to see if it is Erectile dysfunction but he just avoided it and never went(he was mortified when i asked). In the past 8months we have had sex i think 3times(drink fuelled). He knows im upset over this and has asked me to be patient.
I will admit i am frustrated( i have a seriously high sex drive)and feel rejected and feel if he cared enough he would sort it out. I have even wondered was he gay as how come he is not interested anymore. I am a attractive girl and have not changed since he has met me so i dont know what has changed.

Id appreciate advice as this is really affecting our relationship, i dont want to discuss it with friends and he wont go to the doctor!!!

Canluum

You don't need to justify it... it's pretty cut and dry. It's ultimatum time. Use "I" statements so it doesn't turn into an argument.

"I need x,y,z from you or I don't feel I can go on in this relationship"... i.e. he needs to sort it out or you can't be with him anymore, and mean it, I know it's hard but you really have to envisage and accept the possibility of being apart or you'll end up being depressed and frustrated for much of the rest of your short time on this earth. Set a time limit, either internally or explicitly... because he might promise the world and end up putting it on the long finger. Don't stand by a time-waster.



Wanting it more than 3 times in 8 months does not necessarily constitute by any standard a "high" sex drive. Most single peope I know have sex more than that.

xsara 1982

Thanks Canluum for your reply.

re your comment "Wanting it more than 3 times in 8 months does not necessarily constitute by any standard a "high" sex drive. Most single peope I know have sex more than that" YES I AM WELL AWARE OF THIS!!!
I have the high sex drive not him and i want it every morning i wake up beside him but he doesnt.So hence why I am frustrated!!!!!!I have had a a few other men ask me out whilst i have been with him so i know its not that im not attractive. The sex we had was brilliant.............

I was wondering if anyone that has been affetced from ED could give me some suggestions. It is easy to say leave him but how do you leave someone you trully love. I want to know how to fix it. I want to know what to say to him that he does not get upset or angry as anytime i have broached the subject we end up fighting!!!!I presumer because he is embarrassed.

Nevyn

Men are people too and people can have stress and emotions impact on thier sex drive.
Both men and women when they are run down and understress can loose intrest in sex.
Jumping to conclusions about Erectile dysfunction isn't helpful and will just add more stress and pressure on him.

You have two choices, stick around and be supportive, get him to go to the dr, but your sexual needs on the back burner while you care for your partner and see what can be done to help him.

Or you can decide that you don't want to put in the time and effort in the relationship and end it.

Miss Fluff

xsara 1982 wrote: »

I am in a relationship over a yr now. Sex life was brill at the start (4/5months) then he became disinterested. He seemed to be constantly tired and not in the form. I asked him why he did not want to have sex with me anymore and he said he is just exhausted and stressed from work(which he was) and mortgage worries(which he has) etc and does not have the energy. I asked him to go to the doctor to see if it is Erectile dysfunction but he just avoided it and never went(he was mortified when i asked). In the past 8months we have had sex i think 3times(drink fuelled). He knows im upset over this and has asked me to be patient.
I will admit i am frustrated( i have a seriously high sex drive)and feel rejected and feel if he cared enough he would sort it out. I have even wondered was he gay as how come he is not interested anymore. I am a attractive girl and have not changed since he has met me so i dont know what has changed.

Id appreciate advice as this is really affecting our relationship, i dont want to discuss it with friends and he wont go to the doctor!!!

Sounds to me like there has been a serious breakdown in communication here. Telling you to be patient isn't really good enough tbh, how long does he expect this patience of yours to actually last for? Ad infinitum while he doesn't actually do anything proactive to solve the problem?

There's something pretty serious at play here and maybe you just have to give him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he is under severe work and financial pressure, leading to depression, lack of libido etc. You need to discuss exactly what the cause is with him though and then both of you work out how you are going to work out a solution together.

Don't bring this up with him next time he spurns your advances when you're smarting with hurt and feeling angry. Arrange to meet up with him somewhere quiet and relaxed, without involving booze, and tell him that you love him, you want to help him but that you both need to work this out as a matter of urgency in order for your relationship to last. You can still be "patient" but proactive at the same time. Hope it works out for you.

Canluum

xsara 1982 wrote: »

I was wondering if anyone that has been affetced from ED could give me some suggestions. It is easy to say leave him but how do you leave someone you trully love. I want to know how to fix it.

You can't fix it... only he can. If he cares for you then he will fix it, if you approach it the right way. Otherwise he is not worth it, and you don't "truly" love him (because love is reciprocal) your brain has just pair-bonded with him and you can leave him if needs be.

xsara 1982 wrote: »

I want to know what to say to him that he does not get upset or angry as anytime i have broached the subject we end up fighting!!!!I presumer because he is embarrassed.

As I said the best way to do this is to use "I" statements. He can't argue with a feeling you have. DON'T make it about him "You have this problem, erectile disfunction, you need to get it fixed" is the worst way possible to approach it. Don't go around trying to change him... you can't, only he can. Make it about yourself "I need you to be intimate with me on a regular basis, I want this to work. When we are not intimate I feel rejected, hurt, unloved. I need you to do something about it.". Look here for more information: http://www.compassioncoach.com/how_and_when_to_use_i_statements

metrovelvet

Was he under this kind of stress when you met him?

xsara 1982

@ Thaedylal...I am well aware that as i decided to put this on this forum that I would be subject to public scrutiny but my reason for putting this up is because i want to fix this and I am not knocking him. I am well aware that "men are people too"!!! I have put my sexual needs on the back burner and I am being supportive. I cant make him go to the doctor. I feel if i have asked and he wants this relationship to survive he will go of his own accord.

@ Canluum "You can't fix it... only he can. If he cares for you then he will fix it, if you approach it the right way. Otherwise he is not worth it, and you don't "truly" love him (because love is reciprocal) your brain has just pair-bonded with him and you can leave him if needs be." With regards to what you have expressed- Yes you are right he is the only one that can fix it. I think saying he is not worth it is very harsh(true no fault of your own as you dont know this person). I must say you are very black and white on this matter with regards to thats it "ultimatum time" it is the fact that I do love him that I want to try and work through this. I dont think that you would be best pleased if you were going through the same problem yourself that that your partner in life just decided to up and leave.

@Miss Fluff- thanks for your words of advise.