WHAt is wrong with me????

ladiesman216

Im 27 and have been going out with my girlfriend for 3 years. She wants to get married and start a family. Why dont I? I just dont want to settle down, i have no interest in getting married or having kids. I see lots of other people my age doing it and i think 'what is wrong with me that i dont want this?'. does anyone else ever feel like this?


(its an ironic username so dont read anything into it!)

LegacyUser

My opinion on this would be that she's just not the 'one' for you.

I'm a male who felt like this in my last relationship. My ex was very interested in getting married etc but I thought I'd never want a wife or kids but didn't know why. The relationship ended, I felt it wasn't fair to stop her reaching her dreams.

Then I met my current girlfriend and very early on we both knew we wanted a marriage and children. I can't explain why I feel so different now but looking back my relationship with my ex wasn't a patch on what I have now. I'm so much closer to my gf now and would love to make little people that are half of both of us.

I would advise you not to be pressured into marriage or children unless you're sure this is something you want. Discuss it with her too, make sure she's aware that you don't want this life.

Cheap Thrills!

Yea.

Plenty of people feel like that, don't worry. I've never been maternal myself or interested in marriage.

You need to tell your GF though, don't try to string her along and hide it as it's not fair to her.

greenprincess

There isnt anything wrong with you. But as already said you need to tell you gf.

Firetrap

If that's what you honestly feel, talk to your girlfriend. Not everyone wants the house, the 2.4 kids, the Sunday trips to DIY superstores... Having said that, are you sure that there's not a teency weency little part of you which might like it? I'm just saying that because there's a chance that if you talk to your girlfriend about this, you'll break up and you might find yourself regretting it down the line.

Neyite

It may be that you are not yet ready, or that you are just not feeling it with her, or maybe that you never will feel that way. What is important is that for whichever reason you have, you are not just feeling it here.

Fertility declines dramatically after 35, so thats only 8 years away for her. She deserves you to be straight with her here on this and give her the oppertunity to move on and find someone who does want those things before its too late to start her family, or to choose to stay with you in the hopes that you might come around. Either way, she should get to decide for herself.

Miss Fluff

ladiesman216 wrote: »

Im 27 and have been going out with my girlfriend for 3 years. She wants to get married and start a family

Apologies if I'm jumping the gun but sounds to me like you might not have told her how your feel judging from the above. If you haven't you need to have that talk with her asap. You mightn't want to lose her but if marriage is the be-all and end-all to her then you need to be straight with her so that if she does decide to stay with you she knows what terms she's continuing the relationship on.

You also haven't indicated how you feel about your girlfriend in your post....

LegacyUser

ladiesman216 wrote: »

Im 27 and have been going out with my girlfriend for 3 years. She wants to get married and start a family. Why dont I? I just dont want to settle down, i have no interest in getting married or having kids. I see lots of other people my age doing it and i think 'what is wrong with me that i dont want this?'. does anyone else ever feel like this?

First of all, there's nothing wrong with you! You just have a mind of your own. So many people get married and have kids because it's what their friends have done. They only realise what they've let themselves in for when times get stressful and the arguments start. Arguments which are all the more stressful because both sides in the couple weren't ready to commit to begin with!

You will have to let your girlfriend know that you don't want the same things she wants. Hard and all as it is, she'll appreciate your honesty. The alternative is to lead her up the garden path telling her 'Maybe in a few years'. You'll read plenty of threads on here about women asking their boyfriends about children and being fobbed off. Which is a very cruel and head-wrecking thing to do when the woman in question has a time limit on her fertility.

ladiesman216

Thanks for the replies guys.
I do love my girlfriend but i just want to see a bit of the world, she has no interest in traveling. i just feel that if i settle down now i will always have regrets that i never got to go away, then if i go i will probably never fall in love again and then regret leaving her forever. i just fell like in f*cked either way.
Life sucks

Firetrap

Is it possible for you to do some travelling without bringing her along? Or would she be willing to compromise and do some travelling with you? Assuming your girlfriend is the same age as you, you've got plenty of time to do the married/kids thing.

Jack B. Badd

ladiesman216 wrote: »

Im 27 and have been going out with my girlfriend for 3 years. She wants to get married and start a family. Why dont I? I just dont want to settle down, i have no interest in getting married or having kids. I see lots of other people my age doing it and i think 'what is wrong with me that i dont want this?'. does anyone else ever feel like this?

I'm 27 and have been going out with my boyfriend for 4 years, living together for 3. Neither of us want to get married & start a family...ever. In my opinion, we're very lucky to have found each other in a world where most people want these things & it tends to be a deal-breaker - it's a deal-breaker for us too, just not in the "normal" way. The important thing is that we both figured out that it was a deal-breaker for us & discussed it early in our relationship so that we knew where we stood & neither of us would get hurt by making assumptions.

From the sounds of it, you need to determine whether it's a deal-breaker for you (I.e. something you cannot compromise on in a relationship) and discuss it with you partner. Also, bear in mind that you are actually talking about 2 seperate aspects here - marriage affects only the two of ye (so less important imo as ye won't affect others directly if it doesn't work out) whereas having kids brings dependents into the mix & once that happens they have to be top priority.

Distorted

I know exactly how you feel, OP. At 27, me and my boyfriend were having fun, doing sport, travelling, working hard - settling down and having children was something we deliberately avoided. So many couples I know have only had children in their early/mid thirties. We still don't want them! Its not compulsary, its a perfectly valid choice. Not everyone has to live the same life. That said, settling down and having a family gives a lovely feeling of security and achievement beyond material success. But you will know when the time is right for you because the desire to travel, etc will be much less than the desire to get married and settle down.

In your case, you and your girlfriend seem to have quite different interests and outlook on life, and you sound a bit as if you are staying with her because you are scared of leaving and losing that security. So you are stuck in sort of halfway house, not quite settled down, but not doing the things you want either. I think you would really benefit from travelling, meeting new people - you only have one life, and do you want to look back when you're 70 and think "I wish I'd travelled the world when I was in my twenties"?

mindtornin2

I was the exact same, my ex gf wanted a mortgage and a ring within the next 2 years and I got scared. She also needed a man that wanted the same things as her and enough money to do it.

I would much rather look back on my life at 70, at all the places I went and the pple I met and the experiences I had, rather than regret not having done them and not having followed my dream.

I never resent my ex for wanting those things, it's perfectly ok to want them, they just weren't for me. I know where you're coming from and how you feel but you will meet somebody that's on the same wavelength and there will be no uncertainty about what you both want. So will I, but there's no point desperately looking for that person. You will find each other.
Sounds a bit corny but it's the best way to put it!

Hope you get over it and are ok

ladiesman216

We broke up. Christ this hurts so much.

LegacyUser

I was in an almost identical situation as you OP, but I'm the girl in the relationship.
Broke up with ex because of me wanting to progress things& him claiming he did too, but always stalling/coming up with excuses.
So after the breakup, he was all upset, ran after me, swore he'd seen the light& wanted to get engaged. So we did. 6 weeks later he broke it off, saying he "wasn't feeling it".
So it's normal to be hurting badly after the end of a LTR, but I beg you, please don't try to get back with your gf unless you're ABSOLUTELY sure you've changed your mind.
It's not worth the hurt. And your gf will end up feeling even more betrayed& like she's been tricked/trapped into staying with you.

ladiesman216

TBH thats exactly how im feeling right now, i just want to ring her and take it all back and tell her i'll do anything for her.

LegacyUser

Which is fine....if you really truly have had a change of heart. But tread carefully, know your mind before you proceed. (would you consider counselling? an impartial professional might offer insight into why you feel the way you do about marriage,& if it's something you can get past or not)
I& many other people lost all respect for my ex after he dragged me through the emotional rollercoaster of a breakup, engagement, then a broken engagement.
Felt like, he didn't want to marry me, but he didn't want anyone else to marry me either!
That he wanted to be with me, but being with me was for his benefit only, without any consideration for me in the relationship.
A broken engagement-- & an engagement looks to be what your gf/ex-gf wants-- is FAR far worse on both parties than a broken relationship. "The dream" dies, & we girls dream big when we're engaged!
So. Take time, on your own, to figure out what/who you want. Make a decision& stick with it.
You will both be glad of your honesty (whichever decision you make in the end) in the years to come. Good luck with everything.

Jenneke87

ladiesman216 wrote: »

TBH thats exactly how im feeling right now, i just want to ring her and take it all back and tell her i'll do anything for her.

But that's not really going to help the situation is it? I presume you broke up because she did want to get married and have kids and you don't. It's only normal to be hurt after a break up, especially if it was a long term relationship. However, running back to her, saying you'll do anything for her may not be the best thing to do. What if you do end up back together and she mentions children/marriage again and you still do not feel like it? It'll be trouble all over again....Only make that call if you know a 100% certain you'll do indeed anything for her....

ladiesman216

This is my first serious break up and im not handling it well at all. i think about her night and day, suddenly it seems all the things she wanted to do dont seem too bad at all. Is this a normal reaction? I also think i will never be with a girl as pretty as her again (hairline trouble!!) and i wonder if 10 years down the line will i be one of those bald guys in the pub on a saturday night on their own sleazing on other women.
I just feel like i will never be happy. always wanting more.

LegacyUser

ladiesman216 wrote: »

This is my first serious break up and im not handling it well at all. i think about her night and day, suddenly it seems all the things she wanted to do dont seem too bad at all. Is this a normal reaction? I also think i will never be with a girl as pretty as her again (hairline trouble!!) and i wonder if 10 years down the line will i be one of those bald guys in the pub on a saturday night on their own sleazing on other women.
I just feel like i will never be happy. always wanting more.

You wouldn't be human if you weren't hurting! Don't go running back just because you're afraid you'll be on your own-that's a terrible reason to marry and have children with someone.

Get out with your friends, go to pubs clubs etc. Get your mind off her. Play football, tennis, go swimming. Take up running. If your heart is not in getting married and having children with this girl, you will only end up hurting her really badly if you go back to her.