Any help out there for boasting confidence?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Im just wondering does anyone know where you could get help with communication and confidence in speaking out. Im quite a confident determined person but when it comes to work and other areas,dealing with people I half know, I become really nervous and Im unable to speak for very long.

I become flushed and hate being the centre of attention. I have tried everything from therapy and Im currently doing some CBT therapy myself. I know I have social anxiety in some form.

I just want to know is there any other help out there for a confidence boast in speaking out to people and becoming less self conscious and more confident. I just wish I could get rid of the fear of doing something that comes so easy to others and speaking informally to others. On the outside I appear confident but I am a wreck sometimes.

Im not ready for toast masters just yet but maybe if anyone know of someone that works in this area and is good. Or even a name of a therapist who deals more with techniques of improving your confidence. Im sick of seeing therapists that have been no help at all.

Has anyone else got help with this? Thanks.

Monkey Allen

I think you mean confidence boost.

Anyway, here is a tip that worked incredibly well for me. You suffer social anxiety because you focus on yourself in these situations. Even when you're speaking. Your attention should be on te people around you. It rules out all the 'what are they thinking of me' bull****.

It can be difficult to talk to strangers because we usually have no common ground. That's why we ask questions. You don't need to have a ready made list, just an eye for detail. If you join a conversation between people, your job is to listen and then ask a question or agree with what the speaker is saying.

If it's someone who's just been introduced you, ask questions about the person who's introduced you both and go from there.

If it's just a random person, ask questions about why they're there, what they work at, etc.

If it's a girl who you want to chat up, approach it in a very similar way.

Basically, be complimentary, don't try to be interesting (you will be naturally) and focus on them.

LegacyUser

have a read of this group
http://www.socialanxietyireland.com/materhospitalgroup.htm

they access you before they accept you but it definetly helps with confidence

LegacyUser

Oop sorry boosting!!

Ive tried all those ideas and if only it was as easy as that, I do ask questions and find out about the other person but there are always times when you are asked questions, thats when I panic and go red and feel so uncomfortable. Its like an adrenaline rush when Im asked something.

What I was wondering is there anywhere that helps with this? I know its in my mind as when I have a few drinks on me Im a lot more at ease and dont mind speaking. Just hate being this way, have been like this for over 10 yrs.

Anybody have any ideas for where to go for help? So hard living like this!

Zen65

no confidence wrote: »

Its like an adrenaline rush when Im asked something.

That's pretty much what it is. Furthermore, although you feel a flush of red to your face in very many cases there is very little by way of physical indication to others. It's a far more common reaction to public speaking than you might imagine. Some famous stage performers are known to throw up right before they went on stage... every time!

There are tricks you can learn to cope with this. I would think that CBT training would help, though I know of people using tricks to break the internal tension from the moment they start speaking.

Tricks range from using a prop to distract (glass of water, pen, or just a bit of light humour) to doing deep breathing exercises before speaking. Also, when you are talking, be sure to slow down and take a deep breath every 3-4 sentences. It actually conveys the impression that you are thinking deeply on the matter about which you speak.

Be at peace,

Z

Wurly

Zen65 wrote: »

That's pretty much what it is. Furthermore, although you feel a flush of red to your face in very many cases there is very little by way of physical indication to others. It's a far more common reaction to public speaking than you might imagine. Some famous stage performers are known to throw up right before they went on stage... every time!

There are tricks you can learn to cope with this. I would think that CBT training would help, though I know of people using tricks to break the internal tension from the moment they start speaking.

Tricks range from using a prop to distract (glass of water, pen, or just a bit of light humour) to doing deep breathing exercises before speaking. Also, when you are talking, be sure to slow down and take a deep breath every 3-4 sentences. It actually conveys the impression that you are thinking deeply on the matter about which you speak.

Be at peace,

Z

I am a voice coach and when I am coaching clients on nerves, I ALWAYS tell them NOT to use props.. The reason being - if your hands are shaking with nerves, it may not be too noticeable to your audience. However, put a prop in your hand and now the object is shaking - making it much more obvious that you're nervous.

Shaking is nervous energy - so rather than try and go against it, go with it. Shake your hands out before you enter the room, jump up and down. Whatever.. just use your body to get rid of some of that energy.

OP: I would PM you more tips but I see you're an unregistered poster so I cant unfortunately.

tommy21

Instant Confidence by Paul Mackenna is well worth a read - comes with a cd as well that can be used on its own (and is more useful then the book in my opinion) - you can dip in and out of the book, but rigourously listen to the cd once a day for a week and come back here, can guarantee you will have made some progress. Has really helped me - you can get it in Easons, Waterstones etc. but cheapest online via Amazon.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for tips, I have the paul mckenna book, didnt find it that wonderful but maybe I need to give it more of a chance. Im started listening to some anthony robbins just to inspire me, only started last night not holding my breath as I have been fighting this tooth and nail for 10 years!!

Happened me again today, a rush of heat to my face, when asked something simple at work. I feel mortified, I stuck it out but feel so foolish! Just wish I had more confidence in speaking out, and being more confident in what I am saying!

To Trí, thanks for tips but its not always possible to jump up and down when at work. Do you think voice coaching works for people like me? Could you give any more tips on this forum, so everyone can enjoy them, or is there a book/website you would recommend?

To Zen,thanks I know slowing down is the answer but can be hard to remember this when you have a rush of adrenaline running through you. But must try and practise it.

I would love to go to a good cbt therapist and not have to waste 60-100 euro to find out how good they are, I have wasted so much money already on this. Could anyone recommend one? Anyone that treats similar issues to mine.

Monkey Allen

It looks like you need to give things a chance then. I would imagine all of the suggested tips above would work if you practice them.

Wurly

no confidence wrote: »

To Trí, thanks for tips but its not always possible to jump up and down when at work. Do you think voice coaching works for people like me? Could you give any more tips on this forum, so everyone can enjoy them, or is there a book/website you would recommend?

Hi there. Yes, it does depend obviously where you are. As I said, shake your hands out instead if you cant move the rest of you. Basically, dont 'fight' the shakes as you will just create more of the nervous energy that you are trying to avoid.

I think that voice coaching could definitely help you. Most of my clients, if not all, suffer from nerves to some degree. My job is to help them to get over that whilst working on voice technique in conjunction.

Pay attention to what you are saying to yourself before you go to speak. The most nervous people will usually have been giving themselves a hard time. Saying things like 'dont mess up' or 'these people are gonna think you're an eejit' etc etc. If you had another person physically say that to you, it wouldn't help you. It would create stress and then the situation may go adversely. But this is what people do to themselves all the time. And they wonder why they don't feel confident. Can you relate to this at all?

There are some good voice coaches in Dublin. Where are you based? Google voice coaching and see what you find. I can't give my details here unfortunately.

Best of luck.:)