Parents are overprotective to the point of ridiculousness

LegacyUser

So here's the backstory: I'm the eldest of 4, first class degree, looking for work, still living at home and I'm 21 in the summer. My parents are in their 50s and are so overprotective and downright miserable that it's ruining my life.

I have to ask permission to go anywhere, day or night.
I have to tell them who I'm with and what I'm doing when I'm out.
I have to tell them when I'll be home and what bus I'll be on
I have to tell them minute details about my friends so they "know who I'm on about"
My mam has to know everything about my personal life, she's on a "need to know basis" apparently
I'm only allowed stay in certain friends' houses when I go out, they have to "know" the people (i.e. see point 4), and I have to tell them "approximately where it is", so saying "John's house in Dublin" isn't good enough, they need to know that John's house is on X road near Y shop/building in say, Dun Laoighre or something.
I have to be properly going out officially with a guy for at least 3 months before I can stay in his house.
I'm not allowed stay out more than 1 night (i.e if I go out on Friday, they would expect that I would stay in on Saturday)

The list goes on. I barely have a social life and have very few friends owing to the fcuking regime they have me under. I'm nearly 21, I've proved that I'm not a waster by getting a degree, I can't get a job because I went straight from school to college (and lived at home when I was in college) and don't have enough experience but that's for a different rant.

Can parents out there please explain to me why my parents are being so horrible? It's not about "loving me/caring me/wanting the best for me" anymore, they are ruining my life and ruining friendships and possible relationships because I don't have my own life, my parents are so involved in my personal life that I basically don't have one.

Tonight, I wanted to go to the house of the guy that I'm seeing, he has his own apartment and it's over 20euro to get a taxi from his place to mine. I'm flat broke and would just about have the bus fare to get over to him, but no money for the taxi. They said if I can't afford to come home, then I can't go out, despite me saying that he said I can stay in his house. My dad went looking for money in his pockets and said "there, now you have no excuse". I don't want to get a taxi, I want to be able to stay in the guy's house and have my own goddamn life.

My mam has high blood pressure and I don't like fighting with them but the last few months have been getting worse and worse with them being so overprotective. Most of my friends of similar ages (some younger) stay out (as in dont come home, stay in other people's houses) for days on end and their parents aren't angry at them. If I stay out later than 2am, my phone rings and rings and rings until I answer and tell them when I'll be home.

If I don't adhere to the rules/don't clean the house from top to bottom every day/have a life, my mam does have a face on her and my dad won't speak to me. I'm crying as I write this because having it all written down makes me realise how stupid it is. I've never done anything wrong (never drank underage, never taken drugs) and they are still on at me constantly.

What the hell am I going to do? I don't understand why they're like this (because they don't care what my sister who is 18 does) when I've never given them reason to worry. I'm at breaking point right now, a big part of me just wants to pack a bag and walk out because I have no independence whatsoever. I can't just stay out and not come home, they'll go apesh1t, and I genuinely don't want to upset them, but I'm losing my mind here. I really am. This guy is older than me, the relationship has potential to be really great and they are ruining it by making him think I'm a little kid still under lock and key, which I basically am.

Tl;dr version: My parents are so overprotective I don't have a life. Help!

sam34

move out


even on the dole you could afford a room in a shared house and then you would have your independence

Cheap Thrills!

You have to break them in. When you're the oldest it's your job to rebel to teach the parents correct boundaries.

Stop being so obedient. Let them go ape****.

Get the bus to your boyfriends and text them on the way telling them (don't ask TELL them) you won't be home and then turn off your phone.

When you get back they'll probably be hysterical and blame you that they called all the hospitals and have been up all night. They'll do that the first few times. Don't react to it.

You'll find they start listening to you a bit better if they realise you're a grown woman and you're going to be doing your own thing whether they like it or not.

Cadyboo

You are saying you dont have enough experience to get a job. You dont really need experience to work somewhere like McDonalds or in a shop. In fairness if I lived in your house Id clean up dog poo to get of there and get some independence.
You are involving them waayyy too much in your life. Dont tell them who are going to see, where you are going, who your friends are etc. Tell them that you are 21, an adult and are going to live your own life. I agree that you should let them know if you are staying out all night. But like another poster said, text them to TELL them.

Nevyn

Your 21 so while you are an adult many would consider you pretty young and you have 3 younger siblings, being the eldest is a pain. It's like parents think they can keep a lid on you and control of you then that will serve to keep the rest in line.

Time to sit them down and have a talk with them as adults and if you can't come to an agreement, then it's time to move out.

Look, you act like a child (living at home), you get treated like a child. I couldn't even begin to imagine living at home at my age. I moved out when I was 18, and for the best. My parents aren't even overly strict, but parents will ALWAYS be parents. Find a way to move out, or get used to it.

up for anything

At your age my mother was nearly as protective. I was in college in Dublin but when I went home at the weekend I had to ask to go out and got refused sometimes - I used to get the you treat the house like a hotel and under my roof. I hated it and used to have fights and tantrums over it. Now that I have my own kids I do see where she was coming from and the things she was keeping me safe from - lots of which aren't applicable these days as much as they used to be. You really need to be out of there to gain your independence.

What age is this older boyfriend? Perhaps he is the reason they are being over protective with you and not with your younger sister.

eddison

Hi,

At some point you will have to upset them, that is unless you are going to live with them the rest of your life !
so I would do it gently. Organize to stay at a friends. Tell them in a nice calm way you are staying with a friend, or phone then, and tell them that that is what you are doing. you will be back in 3 days, or 7 or whatever. Give them a ring but stay firm.
This will shock them, but they will still know where you are, and will not be as worried as if you just left. This will make you assertive, give you a break. they will think every day, about why you are doing this. Tell them they are smothering you- be honest. Do this again in the future, except tell them less.
This sounds silly, but you have to punish them, like a child, for being too controlling, but in a good and kind way.

tinkerbell

OP, the advice here has been very good. You need to start acting like an adult rather than a child behaving their parents. You are 21 now, not 11 and are fully capable of making your own decisions.

Stop dancing to their every whim - stop telling them everything. If they can get away with being insanely possessive, why would they stop?

Next time you are going somewhere - tell them you are going out, you are staying at X and you will be back sometime the next day. And stop telling them everything - they don't NEED to know.

If they try to tell you you can't, then put your foot down - say they can't tell you where you can and cannot go as you're an adult and the topic is not up for discussion. If your mother has a scowl on her face - let her. That's her problem and she needs to get over it. The only problem is money, you need to get some sort of a job so you can have more independence.

Taltos

I am also agreeing with all above OP.
Your parents will continue to treat you like a child only so long as you let them.

I do have a few concerns though.
> relying on them for taxi/bus money - this is just allowing others to have power over you - do what you can to always have a bit extra put to one side. Even if it means a crappy part time job somewhere...

> stop asking for permission - tell them if you must - but stop asking.

Be prepared - they may over-react and try to "force" you into line - you know - "as long as you stay in this house you will do what we say" - so start looking into accommodation right now. At 21 you really are an adult and all their control will do is ensure that when you do finally move out you are ill-prepared for life alone.
> Remember the response - I will respect you within your home, I love you both and always will - but I need you to respect me as the adult you raised me to be. Trust me in my choices - I have to learn sometime... I would prefer to know you are both there for me when I need help - but it has to be when I really need help and not when I just want to live the life I have....

I don't know whether this is silly to ask but, have you actually tried talking about it calmly?

I'm sure you've given out about it to them and raged at them and been upset at them and stuff, but since this probably only comes up when you're trying to get out of the house, maybe you haven't taken some time to calmly explain things to them. If you haven't, sit them down, preferably your mum on her own (avoid supplying them with strength in numbers). Don't plead or request or question her. Tell her that you're a grown woman, you're mature, you want to take control of your life and that to do that you need her to trust you. While you're telling her this you'll need to talk in such a way that the mature grown woman bit seems true. Stay calm. Use positive words, like her letting go is helping you and you need her support with it. Make her feel like she's being a better mother by letting you go. DO NOT take the offensive. Coax her into thinking this is progress you two are making together and that she's helping you. Using words like "unfair", "suffocating", "fault", "overprotective" will make her feel attacked. She'll retaliate by closing up and sticking to her position. Don't blame her, or tell her what she's doing wrong. Don't tell her how your friends parents act or that what she does isn't normal. Act vulnerable. If you're a good actress, maybe get a little bit teary, like you're at your wits end, but don't actually cry, don't show any passionate/agressive emotion. Just get a bit sad looking, quiet, maybe take little "I'm not going to cry" breaths in between important words. If you think you've gotten her sympathising with you, mention that you've just been feeling so stressed, and that when you go out you just feel so anxious, there's so much pressure on you to have everything planned. Don't use the words "you make me", or "because of you". Make her feel like you're quietly suffering and that she can save you. Even make it seem like you want her to know where you are, you just can't handle keeping her up to date on everything. Offer to throw her a text after you've gone out. It's one text and it could really sway things.

In short, suppress all your actual feelings and lie your ass off. It might seem slightly underhanded, and definitely is manipulative, but it's kinder that just disregarding her and running off.

Wompa1

You are living under their roof and it sounds like taking hand outs off them. You sound like a child and are being treated as such.

Move out, get your independence and grow up.

little lady

I wouldn't necessarily say that because you are still living at home it makes you a child, but in your parents eyes you are and probably always will be to a certain degree.

I lived away from home for college but moved back home afterwards. My mother started treating me like she had always done so I sat her down and basiccaly siad that I was 21 and could make my own decisions on where I'm going and with whom.

I wasn't totally inconsiderate to her, I did tell her if I would be home or not and if there was a change of plans I would do my best to let her know. Most times I would tell her who I was going out with as it was no big secret, as in "I'm heading out with X tonight, were going to X for a few drinks.... will/won't/not sure if I'll be home". She stopped asking questions or if she did she always stuck "if you don't mind me asking" at the end.


As you were growing up your parents always set the rules that you were to live by and they are probably finding very difficult to let go of this and to let you live your life, your way.

As other people have said, sit them down and talk to them and set some of your own rules.

dudara

I just don't understand why you let them do this? Are they going to lock you up and chain you to the wall?

Just go out. Don't tell them anything more than you want to. Be kind to them - say that you are visiting John (for example) but leave it at that.

When you grow up, your relationship with your parents changes, and just as they trained and raised you, now it's somewhat your turn to train them.

I'm not telling you to disrepect your parents - just realign the boundaries.

Ultimately though, I think it's time to leave home.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks all for taking the time to reply.

To those who suggested I move out: I'm looking at that at the minute. I'm waiting on my dole and backdated dole, was fecked around with employers since September and took a while to sign on. When I get my dole, I'm going to see how little I can get by on so I can save up and hopefully move out by March. I wish I didn't have to kind of, (very close to my siblings) but I can't live like this anymore.

I'd also like to point out to the posters who said that I act like a child, I don't agree. I don't take handouts from my parents (the point I was making about my dad giving me money for a taxi was that I didn't want his money for a taxi, I didn't want to come home) and I don't throw tantrums or anything like that. When this happened last night, I just stood in the doorway looking at the two of them, and said "Look, it doesn't matter, it's not worth the hassle." and walked away. I came here to vent because I don't lose it in front of them, I refuse to give them to satisfaction of knowing they're getting to me.

I don't know if my boyfriend could be the problem, I've tried keeping things about him fairly quiet (made the mistake with my last relationship of having my mam know everything, bad idea) and I'd say, being honest, they don't want me with him because they don't know everything about them, like I said in my original post, they say they're on a "need to know basis" regarding everyone I hang out with. So maybe that was the problem last night, but I'm not bowing to their demands, I'm not telling them everything about him, not this time.

I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and start rebelling, I mean my 18 year old sister lies to them constantly and they never say anything to her. I know many of you have suggested sitting down and talking to them like adults, I've done that 3 times since November (parents separately twice and together once) and they have told me that as long as I live here, I do what they say. I offered to contribute towards my bit in the house when I get my dole but they said it doesn't matter. They can't use the "treat this house as a hotel" argument because I clean the house from top to bottom every day and do all the washing, but they just clamp down and ignore any rational argument that I put forward.

Maybe I've been too nice up to this point, I hate upsetting them, I really do. I just can't see a way out of this controlling situation unless I move out or just stop giving a crap.

tinkerbell

Well OP, just reading your second post there. Sounds like you just need to say "I'm going out. I'll be back later". Walk out the door and go out. If they start going on at you and giving out, just walk away. Don't put up with it. Don't give into the constant barrage of questions either. If they ask you fifty million questions, say "never mind". You don't have to be rude but in fairness, they are treating you like a baby when you are an adult.

eddison

Hi Op,

Not really sure what OP stands for but everyone else is sayin it!

Listen, if you sis at 18 is lying, and they probably know this, they may think of her as more street wise.
Where they may think of you are more vulnerable, open to suggestion? more sensitive. Your sis may not be as sensitive.
All the above could be rubbish of course- only tryin to help

ilovefridays

eddison wrote: »

Hi Op,

Not really sure what OP stands for but everyone else is sayin it!

Listen, if you sis at 18 is lying, and they probably know this, they may think of her as more street wise.
Where they may think of you are more vulnerable, open to suggestion? more sensitive. Your sis may not be as sensitive.
All the above could be rubbish of course- only tryin to help

OP means original poster;)

your dead right about the parents thinking the 18yr old more streetwise and the op more vulnerable. i totally agree that is the issue here. Op needs to stand up to her parents, i know its easy for us to say that.
when your bullied for years and then try to rebel its very hard to break this.
i would love to see the parents faces when you say 'IM MOVING OUT'. If they tell you 'your not allowed' , tell them 'well you's are the ones that said as long as im living under your roof.......bla bla'

Beruthiel

trappedbyparents wrote: »

Can parents out there please explain to me why my parents are being so horrible? It's not about "loving me/caring me/wanting the best for me" anymore, they are ruining my life and ruining friendships and possible relationships because I don't have my own life, my parents are so involved in my personal life that I basically don't have one.

They are doing this because you haven't stood up for yourself and basically that's just giving them permission to continue to treat you like a child.

I stopped getting involved in my daughters life once she hit 18. As far as I'm concerned if you're an adult in the laws eye, you're an adult in mine.
She still lives under my roof and will let me know when she's going off to her b/f or whatever, but there is no 'asking permission', she just lets me know what she's up to so I don't worry. Apart from that, she does as she pleases.
She know's her own mind and how to look after herself. I know that about her.
Time to show your parents your backbone OP. Time to tell them what you are doing, not asking their permission to do it.
If that doesn't work. Move out.

Ainekav

Apart from literally not having the money for rent, stop making excuses or wasting your energy trying to change them and Just. Move. Out.

Stick it out til March or whatever and GO. End of.

jimmycrackcorm

trappedbyparents wrote: »

I have to be properly going out officially with a guy for at least 3 months before I can stay in his house.

There's your problem - you're a daughter and not only that but the eldest!

Move out or put up. Being the eldest it's up to you to set the modern teenage agenda.

I'll give you really good odds though that you'll e the same when you are a parent yourself....

Ave Sodalis

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

I'll give you really good odds though that you'll e the same when you are a parent yourself....

Not necessarily. I'd be more inclined to say she'll end up the opposite.

Op, I know you have heard this multiple times before, yet I'm going to repeat it. You need to move out. Have you a friend who would be willing to let you stay with them until you can get your own place?

You said you wouldn't give them the satisfaction of showing them they are getting to you, but I think that's what you need to do. You need to show them that you are annoyed and show them you are upset.

Also, when you do move out, the chances are, they will throw a fit about it. If you do start getting the constant calls etc, cut contact with them. Change your number if you have to, just until they calm down and accept it.