Brokenhearted

LegacyUser

Myself and my BF of 6 years broke up approx two weeks ago, well officially since this wekend as we were taking time to think and talk and I am crushed and he is the same, we are both struggling. He has moved out of our apartment to give me time to get a place to move into.

We have being emailing and in constant contact for the last few days and I bumped into him today, I might add I am having a "better" day today, but even tho the contact is helping me I am thinking that maybe in the long run it may just slow the healing process, what do you think?

Part of me wishes that it ended terribly and we hated eachother but it couldn't be further from the truth and we still love and care about eachother but well together I suppose we are too alike and he is who he is and I am who I am and we tried hard to change but as you may know no one really changes and you certainly cannot change anyone.
I just feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and I cannot bare to go on without him as we had planned our future together and I think he may be more devestated than me.
So really I am asking is the contact good? I know due to the apartment situation we will have to have some contact until I move out but I still have questions about the break up that I want to ask and I feel I should ask them as they pop into my head.
I know in the future we will be friends as we still love and care for eachother but at the moment it is too raw and I just know I will never ever meet anybody who will match up to him, not that I want to yet.
I am just so scared and I miss him so much.
What can I do??

LegacyUser

Hi Sunflower,

I was actaully following your thread too and I know you know exactly how I feel, I was so sad to read your situation, its hard to think that there are so many people out there feeling like this but yet the world keeps on turning!
I know this is for the best and I keep telling myself that I will be ok but its of little comfort now. I think when I move into somewhere new it will prob really hit me, its just scary as I have always had him with me in this city and now I am alone with not many friends, altho one friend up here has been amazing and I dunno how I could have gotten through without her and my family have rallied round too even though we would not be the closest of families.
I just can't think of my future without him we had it all planned out and I thought he was the one, we were so compatible and got on great.
It just seems so unesseccary that it has come to this as we had so much good but as I said I cannot change who he is or the way he thinks.
Its hard not to have the contact as he pouring his heart out to me too and in a strange way we are comforting eachother through our break up.
He has given me answers and has been very honest i suppose I just have to accept what he says just like he has accepted what I have said.
I am not bitter just very very sad as i thought we could have worked on it as I would be much stronger than he is but thats not his fault and I knew from day one what he was like. Its just sad to lose your best friend so suddenly.
I feel though that I lost a sense of myself in the relationship and my self esteem is now shot but I have been through worse in my life, but at this moment it seems like I just cannot go on, everything is going to change.

LegacyUser

Well I still haven't found a place I just didn't have the strength this week to look and I am going home for the weekend, he has said stay as long as I want in the apt and take my time but I know the sooner I get out the better, I will have to move into a houseshare as I could not stay on my own it would not be good for me, so I will have to move in with strangers which may work out ok! I hope to be out by next weekend.
I know it was 6 years from our early to late 20's which was when I think we both grew and changed as people but I will always have very happy memories we did so much together and travelled the world, I just couldn't imagine travelling with anyone else. Yes I know we lasted longer than lots of marriages.
You are right the total loss of the hopes and dreams we had for the future is really a killer we used to laugh about growing old together!
I think the major issue for me to overcome is that we just didn;t communicate and talk a few months ago and maybe our relationship could have been saved, I am a fighter and would keep on fighting but I suppose how long do you fight for before you have to give up?
Yeah he actually said yesterday he can;t believe the world keeps revolving and do people walking past him in the street know!
Well he is coming over tonight so i will ask some more questions but I think after our proper goodbye tonight i will have to try my hardest to cut back on the contact and hopefully in a few weeks/months we can be friends as we both really want that to happen!

mood

A bit off topic but does he own the apartment? It that why you are moving out rather than him?

LegacyUser

Yes I think just knowing that there is somebody else in the house would be of comfort to me, I just feel like I would never have to go back into a houseshare situation and that I would be living the rest of my life with him, but I suppose you have to adapt to your circumstances, even though I am only 28 I just feel so old and do not think I have the strength to start again!
Sunflower have you being keeping busy or do you think its ok to have some alone time too, but I think your mind can go into overdrive if you are alone for too long.

Mood, we were renting but there is a few months left on the lease and rather than lose the deposit he will take it over and pay the rent on his own and that way we can both get our deposits back, I was thinking I could get somebody in to share with me as I could not afford the rent on my own but to be honest its prob best to get out of there totally and have no reminders, he has said to take my time and he will pay his part of the rent as long as I am there and when I go he will pay the rent on his own and then move out, I would like to stay in the same area and he has told me that if I want he will move to a different area, but I don't think that is needed.

kerryman12

Hi OP

Six years, that is tough.As I read down through your post I keep asking myself why you two broke up? (rhetorical question - I am not prying) But yet it is also clear that you have your mind made up and are happy enough with it.

I dont actually have any good advice for you. All I can do is compliment you on the mature way you are handling this and wish you the best for the future.

Best of luck

mood

heartbreak wrote: »

to be honest its prob best to get out of there totally and have no reminders, he has said to take my time and he will pay his part of the rent as long as I am there and when I go he will pay the rent on his own and then move out, I would like to stay in the same area and he has told me that if I want he will move to a different area, but I don't think that is needed.

I agree moving out would be best for you. I'm not so sure living in the same area and the possibility of bumping into each other would be good for either of you. I know I would find that hard.

LegacyUser

Hi Kerryman,

Many thanks for your lovely words, we had communication problems throughout our relationship but I was willing to work on them, also we just got kind of stuck in a rut and the usual bickering, my ex cannot handle pressure well and he trys to deal with all his problems on his own, so everything just built up inside of him, I feel like we really could have fought and made a go of it but he in his own mind has struggled with this and feels he has fought, I just have to accept that he feels he has worked hard at it, I suppose thats where we differ I am a fighter and strong, but I think it will take me a long time to get over the fact I think we gave up too easily. He is coping very badly now and I feel like why is he punishing us both when there is no need to. If we had fought as hard as I wanted to I think it would have made it easier, he called over last night and we talked and talked and had a lovely time but I know he thinks he is doing it for the best and not to hurt me, we still love eachother so much so thats why it is so sad, like how can I possibly ever move on without him?

Mood,
We actually work very close to eachother and have already bumped into eachother, we both want to remain friends cos we still love and care for eachother, I feel when he called over last night it did me some good, but I wonder if it will just delay the process but it doesn't feel like that now, I am just so sad.

LegacyUser

Hi Sunflower,
Yeah being on your own can be a killer, I am in work everyday even tho I sometimes have to run to the bathroom to cry!! 10 days is brilliant and are you getting contact back? I think the thing is that he is just as much in contact with me and I really just want to get my head around it but sometimes you just cannot understand someone elses feelings on certain things no matter how hard you try, I just have to accept hard as it is, I just feel after so long together it should not have come to this. But I think once I move out the contact will have to stop for a while and then maybe we can be friends down the line, he called over last night and we had a lovely chat and laughed about the good times and talked about our futures apart as we both are feeling the same in a strange was we are helping eachother! It upsets him that he it has come to this and that I am hurting he just wants me to be ok and I want him to be ok too!
Oh yes I deffo need a houseshare just to hear somebody else in the house will be good and if there is a dog around it would be even better!
I sometimes wish it ended very badly and we hated eachother but maybe that would help in the short term only!
Have you thought much about your future and what you think will happen down the line?

kerryman12

like how can I possibly ever move on without him?

You know I hate using the old cliches, but they are old for a reason;
Time is the best healer, as you mention you are a strong person and you will move on.

This will probably sound a bit strange but I was thinking exactly this after my post yesterday evening;

I sometimes wish it ended very badly and we hated eachother but maybe that would help in the short term only!

The conclusion I came to for what it is worth is that no it would not have been better. You were with this guy for 6 years, if it all ended in a ball of sh*t then what would that say about those 6 years.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Hi Sunflower,

Do you wish ye could have remained friends if it had ended differently? Or are you glad that there is no way you can have contact? Ah well it sounds like he done you a favour in the long run I know it doesn't seem like it now but as you say he will realise what an ass he has been and by then it will be too late and you are so brave to say you will never get back with him, he does not deserve you at all and the manner in which he ended it just goes to show what a weak man he is!

I know I think the future ahead is scary, I am just so scared that I will never recover or feel as happy as I was before, but as I say I have been through worse. I think when I get the new place it may help, I am sure at first it will be hard cos then it will be really final but its what i need, he called over last night and said he would help me move but i think that might be a bit much, maybe a few months down the line he can help me out with things but just not now. I used to be so independent and carefree I hope I can become like that again.

Hi Kerryman,

You are right if we hated each other it would be so sad and the last 6 years would have been ruined, as it is we both want things to end well and just get over the hurt somehow, but how can you stop loving someone? Will I ever stop loving him and be able to move on?

LegacyUser

yeah thats what I am thinking if he met someone else it would crush me but the way he is now and his issues I think it will be a very long time, i do hope he will be ok, he says he can;t bare to move on our even think about anyone only me so that stuff is hard to hear.

I feel for you I really do, I can;'t imagine what it must have felt like for him to say those horrible things to you, it must have hurt you so much but you now know what a horrible person he is and hopefully you adoration quickly vanished!
Its just that he was and is still so respectful to me and kind and caring so its hard.

Yeah I want to find somewhere nice and with people my age so if it means taking an extra week or two so be it I want to be happy with my decision and I know I can stay as long as I want in the apartment.

Oh I just wish there was some magic wand to make it all dissapear, its as if my whole world has come crashing down

kerryman12

I don't know how you could stop loving someone, and I don't think I want to!
The hurt you are feeling will fade and I dare say the feeling of love will also - I don't think you can stop loving someone but I do think that the feeling can fade if you do t work at it a bit.

I am 100% certain you can move on. That's part of life, a sh&t part but a part none the less.

LegacyUser

Yes I do think the intense feeling of love now will fade but I know I will always love him no matter what! But I don't want to move on :-(

Sunflower,

I actually did belly laugh last night...... with my ex several times is that too weird and messed up for words??? We just want to comfort eachother through this and we have discussed weather we should cut contact as I know everyone thinks we should but it really is helping us both, oh I am so confused. I know that I will be OK but there is a part of me that thinks how can I be ok when we love each other so much how can I possibly move on when we still had so much good. Oh I am sorry for all these questions how can you possibly know the answers I don't think anybody does, just sprinkle that magic dust on me now Sunflower quick!!!!!!!

kerryman12

Ah, that magic wand. i remember saying i wish someone would just throw magic dust over me and make me forget the pain.

I know I know - but it is true!

Its so easy for me to say that. All I can say is that when I am having a difficult time it helps me to think about tomorrow or six months times and know that things will be better.

LegacyUser

You are both right, I know I will come out the other end but it will be a tough journey and I have so much to be thankful for too, I suppose its just still so raw at the moment and in time the hurt will heal and I can be happy again.

claire*

Heartbreak, when I read your story, I felt like that could have been me typing 3 years ago. Around that time, I broke up with my ex. I literally felt like my heart was about to break. I couldnt imagine life without him, without speaking to him, without texting him. We had so many plans and then....nothing!!

My very wise grandmother advised me to take things one day at a time. I found going for walks, listening to upbeat music (no depressing ****e!) and been surrounded by v good friends (plus new wardrobe and haircut!!) really helped.

Slowly slowly, the overwhelming desire to see him and get back with him (had completely forgotten about the bad stuff!) calmed down. Fast forward 3 years and Im so much better off. I still think of my ex and the times we had but I know we broke up for the right reasons.

I would agree with Sunflower, try and cut all contact, at least for a couple of weeks. Its so incredibly hard but I found it was the only proper way to try and deal with all thats going on.

Best Wishes

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

I saw your thread and thought I should reply, since I left a 4 year relationship 5 months ago.

My advice would be to get some distance. I know everyone is different but I stayed in contact with my ex, because it made me feel close to him. Although it was my decision to leave, I loved and love him very much, the thought of not seeing him was unbearable.

I ended up seeing him again after a few months, only to find myself in the same situation and the same arguments. I finally decided to cut all ties with him, which was awful, but it's enabled me to accept my situation.

I used to live with my ex too, so now I'm alone I try and fill my time with going to the gym and catching up with old friends. Keep yourself occupied and gets lots of things planned in your calendar. Don't feel guilty for feeling like you're having a good time. With lots of things to look forward to, it helps time pass...and like we're always told, time's a healer. I hate that phrase, but it's true.

I appreciate you don't want to cut him out of your life because you're still friends, but if it were me going through it all again, I'd limit the contact and focus on myself. You will have plenty of time to be friends later on. I'm sure the time apart will do you both good. When you're still feeling so raw and your heart actually aches, something to take your mind off it will do you the world of good. I promise.

Take care x

LegacyUser

heartbreak wrote: »

I actually did belly laugh last night...... with my ex several times is that too weird and messed up for words???

I'm you in reverse but married. Split up last summer, both of us have been devestated for last 6 months, in contact regularly. Gone to a wedding, christening, I even went down to stay with the in-laws over Christmas for a couple of nights (she was there already) - they all know situation, and wished it was different obviously.

Don't know what to do, don't want to be "not with her" but we're not getting closer to getting back together I don't think.

Need to decide if what went wrong can be fixed or else move on.... Staying friends isn't going to work - what will happen when you/him/me/her meets someone else down the road ...? That changes everything?

LegacyUser

Claire,

Many thanks for your kind words, I am glad to hear you have gotten over your heartbreak, did you find it hard to stop loving him? I know I should stop the contact but it is so hard he is still my best friend and we told eachother everything, we both so badly want to be friends but we know that will be down the line, we were talking yesterday and we discussed the contact and we both said at the moment it is not making us worse and we really want to help eachother through this, but I know the minute I start to feel it is making me worse I have to have the strength to stop contact for a while, i know when I move into my new place in a week or two I will have to cut the contact for a while at least but I just dunno if I can.

Hi aguest,

How are you coping now a few months down the line? Do you still think about him and love him? I know in a while the pain will ease but how can I move on if we both still love eachother? Are you now in contact with your ex? Did you find the no contact after the breakup was really hard or did it help you move on?

Hi justwonder,

So sorry to hear about your situation, do you think ye will get back together? Are you going to cut all ties ot is it just too hard? Do you feel its holding back the moving on process? I feel the exact same as you don't want to be "not with him" but I don't think we can ever get back together, he says he doesn;t want to move on or be with anyone else for a very long time or if ever but i know someday it will happen and it would break my heart to see him with someone else. I just can;t imagine never being friends with him or not having him in my life!

LegacyUser

Why break up if you love each other?