Girlfriend takes another guy home the night of relationship break-up

LegacyUser

Hi all, I'm going Un-reg for this.. Looking for the ladies perspective: bit long winded so please bear with me...

So I'm back seeing my x (and mother of my child) for the last few months. We've been apart for the last 4 years (apart from 1 or 2 little flings) but obviously with a child and the fact that we live around the corner from each other, see each other almost every day, and always got on well.

She is the type of girl who does not like to be single AT ALL. When we broke up originally she was seeing another guy within a couple of days, which of course led me to suspect that she may have had him lined up already but who knows.
So the original break up was due to lots of factors I wont get into, but its fair to say we both contributed in our own way to it. But I wanted to make a go of things and work at having a happy family, felt the wrinkles could be ironed out and the attraction/common ground was strong enough to get through it. But no Joy.

Time passed, we both saw other people, couple of times she'd split up from who she'd been seeing and I wasn't seeing anyone so we'd see each other for a bit. But on account of everything that had happened plus extra water under under the bridge from seeing new people I found it hard to get enthusiastic about it (and held back due to being wary from past experiences), and it fizzled out each time. Usually with her going straight to someone else's arms. Don't want to sound like I'm moaning here but it was fairly heartwrenching each time.

So thats the scene roughly set and we're up to date:
A while before xmas she split up from guy she'd been seeing for probably about 6 months and was all about me again. Not in a totally forward way just we'd be hanging out a bit and doing things together with our child as we were both single and it was nice.

Oh I suppose I should say I'd just split up from a girl I'd been seeing for about the same time but it had never really gotten serious, we lived far away, both had kids so it was fun but unlikely that either of us were going to move with kids and all so had to call it a day.

Anyway, one thing led to another and with us getting on well (against my best judgement I have to say) we went out a few nights together and it got physical again.
I remained sceptical and unsure, at no point did we discuss what was going on or what we wanted from it, just went with the flow really.
And this time probably out of fear of getting hurt again didn't let myself fall for her as I had in the past. Mainly we'd be together physically only after a few drinks but hung out together quite a bit the rest of the time.
So from this I figured (or suspected)that she just wasn't really that into me any more maybe just settling after breaking up with the previous guy, afraid of being left on the shelf or whatever.
Contact between us had been getting less and less over the last couple of weeks, so I'm thinking "just as well I didn't get too into this as it seems doomed". So yesterday morning had the discussion, she didn't seem to have any enthusiasm to carry on (I'm sure that was probably the impression I gave too) but I did leave plenty of opportunity for her to say she wanted to work at it or was serious. Didn't come so we left it. In fairness it was pretty much all I was thinking about for the day.. Meeting someone else was far from my mind.
So my now x girlfriend went out last night and was seen (by me) going home with a guy. As mentioned before she lives round the corner, the neighbours were having a party so I couldn't sleep too well and unfortunately was up at the time she was going home so saw this!

My question to you ladies (or men) is this.....
As a woman, if you love/ are mad about/ like someone a lot/ care about someone could you take another guy home the day you break up? Or does this prove my instinct that she wasn't that into me at all??

Thanks if you've taken the time to read this... looking forward to replies.

rainbow kirby

Moved from tLL to RI.

BraziliaNZ

It all just sounds like a total nightmare. It's not a normal relationship. Just move on, no point in analysing it too much.

My question to you ladies (or men) is this.....
As a woman, if you love/ are mad about/ like someone a lot/ care about someone could you take another guy home the day you break up? Or does this prove my instinct that she wasn't that into me at all??

But c'mon, surely you're able to answer that yourself?

Milkmaid

To OP, you sound like a good person who wants to do right by your kid.
If my Ex had been stable at all and willing to work things out I would have done all in my power to make it work.
There is a kid in the middle of this and TBH your Ex sounds like a selfish person..a complete headwreck.
Fair enough people split up but the sort of stuff you're talking about is what you would expect from a teen...she goes out and picks up guys lIke that. I hope your kid isn't exposed to all these guys.
Sorry if I sound harsh and I know you are hurting but she sounds like a immature person who will make a trainwreck of your life.
I deal with an ex all the time and if I have learnt one thing it it to love YOURSELF...look after yourself OP and leave this toxic woman to herself

LegacyUser

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

It all just sounds like a total nightmare. It's not a normal relationship. Just move on, no point in analysing it too much.



But c'mon, surely you're able to answer that yourself?

yeah I can.
just looking for a bit of validation I suppose. The mind can sometimes play tricks in matters of the heart!

Wompa1

I had an ex who her housemates and her lived by the motto "The way to get over someone is to get under someone else" These girls were all around 20-22 and in my opinion much more immature than that age.

She sounds like she might be a bit damaged if that's how she acts, I wouldn't put it past her by the sounds of things that she had someone lined up.

LegacyUser

Milkmaid wrote: »

To OP, you sound like a good person who wants to do right by your kid.
If my Ex had been stable at all and willing to work things out I would have done all in my power to make it work.
There is a kid in the middle of this and TBH your Ex sounds like a selfish person..a complete headwreck.
Fair enough people split up but the sort of stuff you're talking about is what you would expect from a teen...she goes out and picks up guys lIke that. I hope your kid isn't exposed to all these guys.
Sorry if I sound harsh and I know you are hurting but she sounds like a immature person who will make a trainwreck of your life.
I deal with an ex all the time and if I have learnt one thing it it to love YOURSELF...look after yourself OP and leave this toxic woman to herself

Thanks Milkmaid...
No not harsh at all. Unfortunately he's been exposed to a good few guys against my protestations.. My approach to that is if I'm serious about someone and we've been seeing each other for a few months she will be introduced to my son gradually, a 'chance' meeting in a shop first and so on.. The ex doesn't seem to agree.

Anyway didn't come on here to bitch (well maybe a little haha). Thanks for your direct advice and concern. I'm not an emotional wreck as I protected myself this time by half expecting the worst. Just trying to guage what people, particularly ladies thought as I try to rationalise this behaviour..

sam34

manmanman wrote: »

My question to you ladies (or men) is this.....
As a woman, if you love/ are mad about/ like someone a lot/ care about someone could you take another guy home the day you break up?

to be fair, op, it doesnt sound like ye were in love.mad about each other in recent times:

manmanman wrote: »

Anyway, one thing led to another and with us getting on well (against my best judgement I have to say) we went out a few nights together and it got physical again.I remained sceptical and unsure, at no point did we discuss what was going on or what we wanted from it, just went with the flow really.
And this time probably out of fear of getting hurt again didn't let myself fall for her as I had in the past. Mainly we'd be together physically only after a few drinks but hung out together quite a bit the rest of the time.
So from this I figured (or suspected)that she just wasn't really that into me any more maybe just settling after breaking up with the previous guy, afraid of being left on the shelf or whatever.
Contact between us had been getting less and less over the last couple of weeks, so I'm thinking "just as well I didn't get too into this as it seems doomed". So yesterday morning had the discussion, she didn't seem to have any enthusiasm to carry on

LegacyUser

manmanman wrote: »

My question to you ladies (or men) is this.....
As a woman, if you love/ are mad about/ like someone a lot/ care about someone could you take another guy home the day you break up? Or does this prove my instinct that she wasn't that into me at all??

the whole relationship sounds very vague. You want to be with her, but you haven't made it clear to her. There's nothing wrong with her bringing home that guy, you weren't in a relationship and there was no 'break up' as far as I can see.

Tell her that she's the one you want. It's obvious to me that you're quite scared of laying all your cards on the table like that, but it's what you'll have to do if you want your relationship with the mother of your child to be exclusive.

RacoonQueen

No. Under no circumstances could I be with someone else the same day as I split up with someone else. You do need time to analyse things when a relationship end, even me, ice queen extrordinare needs time.

It all sounds very messy, you need to put your child first. From what you've posted with you being on and off with her while the two of you were seeing other people. It must be VERY confusing for you little kid and completely unfair on him/her. For your childs sake, put any past feelings/chances of anything happening between you and the mother away. It's clearly not going to work long term and all you'll do is mess with your own head and your childs. Think of your little kid the next time you think anything will happen between you and the ex.

Chinafoot

First of all, your thread title is a little misleading. It sounds as though this most recent encounter between you wasn't exactly a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and sounded like a far more casual/only when we're hammered situation. If this is the case then I don't see what she has done wrong here. You weren't together so she can do what she likes. Perhaps you should stop romanticising the situation and see it for what it really is.

Tbh, the pair of you need to grow up and start thinking about your child. Getting together when drunk with no realistic future between you as a couple is teenage behaviour and you need to put the well-being of your child first. Adding unnecessary confusion to an already difficult situation will only cause hurt for your kid in the long run. How about you both start acting like adults and stay away from each other romantically as you both know its never going to work out.

dub_3

She is the type of girl who does not like to be single AT ALL

That says it all really.

She doesn't really view you as a relationship,
you're just a handy substitute she uses between relationships.

As you're always around (for the kid) it's very easy for her to pick you up when it suits and drop you when it doesn't.

I might have said to play her at her own game and just use her as a fcuk buddy, but if you want a relationship then that would just mess with your head, also it would inevitably get in the way of you finding a proper girlfriend.

But the main reason for not continuing with this on / off behaviour, is for the welfare of your child.

You need to have a consistent relationship with your child, not one which keeps altering as you're in / out with the mother.

Also the more yourself and the X mess about, the more likely you are to fall out and for that to have an effect on your abilities to work together as parents.

LegacyUser

Chinafoot wrote: »

First of all, your thread title is a little misleading. It sounds as though this most recent encounter between you wasn't exactly a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and sounded like a far more casual/only when we're hammered situation. If this is the case then I don't see what she has done wrong here. You weren't together so she can do what she likes. Perhaps you should stop romanticising the situation and see it for what it really is.

Tbh, the pair of you need to grow up and start thinking about your child. Getting together when drunk with no realistic future between you as a couple is teenage behaviour and you need to put the well-being of your child first. Adding unnecessary confusion to an already difficult situation will only cause hurt for your kid in the long run. How about you both start acting like adults and stay away from each other romantically as you both know its never going to work out.

Thanks for the reply.. I suppose I should clarify, we were seeing each other and doing things together and with our son it just never got physical unless drink was involved. I'm not sure what this means maybe its irrelevant.

I agree with your and RacoonQueens advice: that our boys welfare is of utmost importance here, he needs stability which I am going to help provide by ensuring I don't get into this situation again.. I have said that to myself in the past but am now absolutely convinced that it is the only course to take.

Also in fairness my question was not "what should I do?" but, is this normal rational breakup behaviour?

So I would like to thank you all for the candid advice and as BrazilliaNZ pointed out I probably do already know the answer to the question myself..

This is my third reply to post today, no sign of the other two so hopefully I have more luck with this one!

Wagon

My advice would be to take her aside and tell her that this shíte has to stop. She just might be one of those people that needs to have things spelled out for her. Or a manipulative bítch. Either way, you know that this situation isn't good for you or your child.

You could say that you didn't seem too interested yourself but, who could blame you for keeping your guard up? Smart move mate. But definitely take her aside and tell her that this messing can't go on any more.

Zaph

manmanman wrote: »

This is my third reply to post today, no sign of the other two so hopefully I have more luck with this one!

Hi OP. As you're posting unregistered all your posts must be approved by a mod before they become visible on the thread. How long this takes depends on whether or not there are any mods around, and particularly at weekends it can take a little longer, but please bear with us, we'll get there in the end.

Distorted

manmanman wrote: »

My question to you ladies (or men) is this.....
As a woman, if you love/ are mad about/ like someone a lot/ care about someone could you take another guy home the day you break up? Or does this prove my instinct that she wasn't that into me at all??

Well, I couldn't no, not if I still had feelings for the first guy. If I didn't, then I probably wouldn't think twice about doing what I wanted. But people are different - I had a flatmate once who had 3 men on the go at the same time, and had them all staying over during the course of a week! (although now she is loved up with a totally different guy...)

I think its a horribly upsetting thing to have seen though but I think Dub_7 was right when saying he didn't think she sees you as a relationship.

LegacyUser

Zaph wrote: »

Hi OP. As you're posting unregistered all your posts must be approved by a mod before they become visible on the thread. How long this takes depends on whether or not there are any mods around, and particularly at weekends it can take a little longer, but please bear with us, we'll get there in the end.

Thanks ZAPH,
that wasn't a dig was more so explaining my silence to other posters.

LegacyUser

i dont think you can tell from her actions whether she cared about you or not. other people saying they could not do it, does not really reflect her. it sounds to me like you did not really give her reason to think that you care, so why shouldnt she be with someone else. she may have even been looking for comfort having been rejected herself.

LegacyUser

Hey OP

Just to let you know - myself and an ex broke up after a 5year relationship, we'd had an awful year and I was heartbroken the whole time because it was obvious from how he treated that he didn't want to commit, care and was pushing for the split teh whole time. He treated me with so little respect, I wasn't myself at the end. I had been madly in love with him - first love in fact, and even till the end I was holding on and wanted badly for it to work and loved him.

So when he split with me, I went out a night or two later and took a guy home. Why? Because I needed to boost my self esteem.....I'd spent a year or more being rejected and slowly realising but not accepting that he didn't love me the way I loved him.....so in the end, I turned to sex to look for validation that I could be loved.

So in answer to your question, yes, you can love someone...but with heartbreak, you look for something to make you feel better abotu yourself, to make you forget and I really wholeheartedly believe you can sleep with someone straight after a split. The other person doesn't mean anything - you don't love them, or want them really, it's about you and wanting to be wanted again, wanting someone to find you attractive and desirable.