He's leaving..

LegacyUser

Ok just hoping to get some advice please..my story is I have been involved with someone long distance for a few years..it has been hard but we just seem to gravitate back to each other.
We met many years ago so know each other well.
He is now leaving to work overseas (far away) and he asked me to marry and go too ,but because I can't leave due to family responsibilities we broke up as he felt rejected and that it was like a long goodbye...I took it badly but after a bit I accepted it but didn't meet anyone I liked as much. After a few months he was back asking me for 2nd chance and again proposing..but still the issue of him emigrating is on the horizon.....he now says he will do long distance , whatever it takes no matter how long etc etc.
I have told him I have concerns as we are talking a very long distance thing. I cannot move for the foreseealble future, and I am not even sure I want to leave Ireland. I am not a young person and a returned 1980s emigrant....this is my home and why should I leave again?
He however is like a teenager full of excitement , how he loves me and wants to provide for me..he just doesn't get that I don't care what he earns, I just want him home.
I have told him I can't make a decision until I see where he will be living and what kind of place it is.....he alternates between saying he will wait and saying that he fears I don't love him enough to move. He really doesn't care where he lives but he hates being unemployed here. I have too many responsibilities here to just up and go with him at least for the near future. So he says he will show me that he can make a good life for us, and I will want to move in a year or two. He is determined to make it work. I just want him to stay.


My heart is just broken

annapolska

It's a difficult situation that you are in. I see things from both sides...

On the one hand, I can totally understand why someone would leave in order to find work. Aside form the basic need to earn money in order to provide for oneself, there is often a matter of pride involved. Unemployment is often not so good for the self-confidence.

On the other hand, I can see why you would want to stay home with the family.

IMO, a long-distance thing just wouldn't work. You're not talking about living a couple of hours apart, where you could see each other on week-ends occasionally.

I guess I am wondering what level of family responsibilities you have that are keeping you here? If you are caring for small children or an elderly relative, would it be possible to move them as well? You seem to love each other and it seems that he has been pretty consistent and enthusiastic with wanting to be with you, even proposing to you twice?

I can understand how your home is important to you, but I wonder if you will regret it someday if you give up this man who loves you. I'm sure you do love him, but maybe he's right in wondering if you love him enough to move abroad for him.

A difficult decision, for sure. Personally, if I were in love with someone who needed to move abroad (and it sounds like he needs to, not going for the adventure of it), I would be packing my bags. But that's just me. Best of luck to you!

LegacyUser

Thanks annapolska , in answer to your question I have a child who is settled in secondary school and his father lives nearby..it would be wrong for me to disrupt their relationship by moving to the other side of the earth.
I agree with you, the distance is too great for a LDR to last..right now I have to choose to be a good parent as that is my priority.
I woke up seeing things clearer but it doesn't help the hurt

LegacyUser

Thanks Sunflower27 for taking the time to reply.
He could easily get work in UK in his line of work but it doesn't appeal to him as a place and if he goes overseas he has a network of friends set up that can get him work.
I think he is making a mistake, I can't see how we will last and I would rather end things now than prolong a long goodbye.
We have reached the end of the line, he could get work near me but it would be for less pay and I think he should take it.
We have cooled things down as we were just getting upset talking about it...I am getting out and about and socialising without him but he then rings all upset and I feel like I have to go home. I have pointed out that if we were LDR he wouldn't be able to handle me going out without him...it is too headwrecking for both of us.
The thing that kills me is I know 6months down the line he will regret going as by the time he takes his living expenses out he will end up with the same income as here (I know this as I lived over there for years too).
I am trying to be logical but to fill all that time I used to spend with him is hard now things have cooled off..when he goes I will be lost.

dr gonzo

I'd just like to say OP, coming from my experiences with separated parents, what youre going through might hurt but i admire you so much for putting your child first in every way, in not wanting to move them away from their dad, their school and the life they know but im sorry that it comes at such a high cost to your happiness.

You're a wonderful mother by the sounds of it and i hope that everything works out for you because you deserve to be happy too.

kerryman12

Hi OP

Let me start by saying that I echo what Dr gonzo ( great username ) has said.

Initially reading your post I wanted to say you know kids are resialiant and will adapt to the change - but your resaons for staying are right by your kid, and you are to be commended for that. Its hard that the price for being responsible is so high for you.

I can be away for longish periods with work, 5 days a weeks for years at a time. No comparison I know, but in my case this has always been very difficult in my relationship for both of us. I cant imagine your scenario working for us - if I am honest I dont think we could survive that. But I wouldnt give in without a long struggle on that one.

My advise to you would be to try it for six months or so. Before you commit to this though sit him down, make sure he is crystal clear - remember he is a guy so some diagrams may be needed, on your feelings for him, your reasons for stay, your concerns for the future, and that you deserve a life while he is away. The reason I suggest this is that it is very possible that after six months or so he will realise his mistake and come home.

Life is short, its not fair - but the best things are worth fighting for.

Best or luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks dr gonzo for that..it helps to hear from a child of separated parents. I am very close to my child and we have sat and talked openly about things. He is happy here and has extended family and I think that he needs that security after all the changes he went through.
I will muddle through, we have cooled things down and I think it is dying a natural death.

I am fairly sure he will have regrets but there is nothing I can do to change his mind.

Thanks again

LegacyUser

When you say settled in secondary school, what year is he in/age is he?

You need to put him first, but he's approaching adulthood and once he's there you become far more flexible. At most he's 5 1/2 years away from a point when most people leave home anyway. Depending on your job, and his preferences there is in the mean timeSummer/Christmas/Easter. That's 4 months out of the year. Even if he's in first year, in a year or two he'll be well able to stay by himself for a few days or go to stay at his dads.

I'm not clear how far you're talking, but East Coast US/Middle East, it's feasible to go for 4 or 5 days here and there.

If your BF can get work in the UK but doesn't really want to go there, would he go for a year or two, and then you can both rethink the situation?

LegacyUser

Thanks "On a Jet plane", for a second when I read your post I thought OH had replied!
You are echoing everything he has been saying to me..however I am on a tight budget where I manage and have no debts, we do ok but there is no way I could afford tickets to fly more than once a year...I don't want to give away too much info on here, but it would be a few years before I could plan any move due to child's age.
My biggest fear is that the distance will destroy us, we have a very physical loving relationship and I can't see how we will cope. We are both very tactile and affectionate, a webcam is ok for a few weeks but years?
I think months of loneliness will drive us to seek company of others and then one of us will meet someone else..I don't cheat and neither does he but to live like that for months year after year?
Right now I think we will just see how we are in 6 months (thanks kerryman12), I am a little more optimistic today. I do love him and I don't want anyone else so I am going to have to see what happens.