Not asked to be godmother..very hurt

BlueMonday

Hi there,

I'd appreciate some opinions please.
Both me and my sister are pregnant, she is due next month, me later in the year.
We are from a fairly large family and me and my pregnant sister are the only two who are not godparents yet. So, stupidly, I presumed we would be asking each other to be godmothers.
However last night our other sister told me that my pregnant sister is asking her husband's 21 year old niece. Now me and my sister are fairly close, she went through a miscarriage last year which I naturally helped her through, dropping everything for her on many occassions. I even put off getting pregnant before her for fear of upsetting her. This niece of her husbands is someone I rarely hear her mention. She was also my cheif bridesmaid and I was not asked to be involved in her wedding either(she got married after me) except to do a reading which I really didn't mind at the time.
Her husband is quite domineering so maybe this has something to do with it. I can't help feeling very hurt by this, as I had planned on asking her to be godmother but don't think I have it in me to now, very petty I know.
I'm so upset by this and don't want anything to do with her at the moment.
Am I overreacting?

Forever Hopeful

OP, you need some perspective.
It sounds like you have a close family around you, you have married, obviously have no problems getting pregnant as you were able to delay it. Be grateful that the biggest problem going on in your life right now is that you haven't been asked to be a godmother. In the grand scheme of things, it means nothing. If anything happened to your sister and her husband, is his 21 year old niece capable of raising a child?
Big picture please. I've friends (including myself) who would love to be in your position. Don't fall out with your sister over something so trivial.

Penn

Is the godfather from her husbands side of the family too?

Either way, it's nothing to fall out about. My sister told me I was going to be the godfather for her firstborn, not knowing her husband had already promised the same thing to his brother. So she picked my other sister to be godmother instead. It doesn't matter. If she has another kid, chances are I'll be the godfather. But if not, I don't care. I'll have a new niece or nephew who I'd treat the exact same way whether I was their godfather or just Uncle Barrington.

Whether or not you're godparent to your sisters child, you're still it's aunt. Don't fall out with your sister for something so little, and don't be afraid of asking your sister to be godparent to your child. It's not a competition. There are no winners or losers. And being petty about not being godmother to her child could make everyone more hurt for no good reason

Beruthiel

BlueMonday wrote: »

I presumed we would be asking each other to be godmothers.

What difference does it make who the godparent is?
You'll be the childs aunt, will you love them any less? Will you treat them any differently?
In the grander scheme of things, this in nothing.

blackbird98

as Barrington said, which side is the Godfather from?

Simple solution for you is to ask the Godfather from your side, and the Godmother from your Husband's......

To answer your original question, I wouldn't fall out with her over it, if you hadn't discussed it up to now, your sister hadn't even thought about it either.

astra2000

Firstly you have heard the information re the godmother second hand and the baby hasnt even been born yet, it could quiet possibly turn out that neither the husbands neice or you are asked to be godmother.
I understand your hurt you probably feel that your sister doesnt have as much regard for your relationship as you do, but I dont think that who you choose as godparents necessarily reflects on how close you are to that person. People choose for different reasons, maybe your sister and her husband want to choose his neice as presumably she no children and will be free to lavish more time and attention on their baby, than you will be as you will be tied up with your own little bundle of joy. Are you already a godparent I would have been influenced to a degree to not choose a family member to be god parent if they already had more than one godchild whereas another family member had none. Is her husbands neice his godchild? There could be lots of reasons and unless you ask her you will never know, dont let your relationship with your sister suffer, and if you now feel you cant ask her to be godmother thats understandable, believe me your baby will have plenty of love regardless who its god parents are. Best of luck stop worrying and start looking farward to all the lovely things the year has instore for you.:)

i-digress

BlueMonday wrote: »

Now me and my sister are fairly close... This niece of her husbands is someone I rarely hear her mention. She was also my cheif bridesmaid and I was not asked to be involved in her wedding either(she got married after me) except to do a reading which I really didn't mind at the time.
Her husband is quite domineering so maybe this has something to do with it

I'm from a large close family, my husband is not. Sometimes, my husband's family seem a little put out that I am not as close to their family as my husband is to mine. It's not an intentional thing, it's a personality thing.

Sometimes, I have to do something to make it clear that while I'm not close to my in-laws, I do want them involved in my life. It sounds to me like this is what has happened with your sister.

You say she never mentions this niece, yet has asked her to play two key public roles in her life. It may be that this is for show, a peace keeping exercise so her in-laws noses will be out of joint.

Try not to see it as a rejection of you. You're lucky to have a sister that you're close to, and maybe she sees you as such a good friend as well that she doesn't know this will hurt you. She probably doesn't put as much weight on it as you do.

Plus, being asked to be a godparent is often a bit of a financial undertaking, and with a baby of your own on the way perhaps she didn't want to put pressure on you?

mud

Hi OP.

I don't have much to add but I'd like to say that I have two wonderful nephews. I am godmother to the younger fella and I can hand on heart say that I love them both the very same, treat them the same, would walk through fire for them both and will be emotionally available to them equally as long as I draw breath.

Being a godmother is just a title, it neither increases or diminishes the love you will feel for this little human

Bazzy

Op perspective is right what other posters are saying.

My godmother is dead and the last time I seen my godfather was at her funeral.

Where as my aunty's I see a hell of a lot more.

I wouldnt be too upset about it. One of them things let it happen and move on

Firetrap

Yes I think you're over-reacting a bit. You don't know what sort of politics is going in the background either. Anyway, try not to take it personally. I'm sure your niece/nephew will be crazy about you anyway and won't give a toss whether you're its godmother or not.

BlueMonday

OP here
Thanks very much to everyone for taking the time to reply. Ye have helped
put things into perspective for me, I'll forget about it & won't be falling out with anyone over it.
Thanks again.

ncmc

BlueMonday wrote: »

OP here
Thanks very much to everyone for taking the time to reply. Ye have helped
put things into perspective for me, I'll forget about it & won't be falling out with anyone over it.
Thanks again.

That's good to hear, just wanted to add that you haven't heard from your sister about who the Godparents are, she could decide to have two Godmothers and no godfather. My brother and sister in law did this, they wanted her sister who she is very close to and they also wanted my sister who had helped out a lot during the pregnancy and had given them loads of her old baby stuff. It worked really well and no-on batted an eyelid so there is a chance you could still be asked!

If not, I agree with others here, you are so close, she probably knows that you won't be hurt if she doesn't chose you, very often chosing the godparents is more political than anything and it can be hard not to hurt anyones feelings or put noses out of joint.

Best of luck with your own pregnancy and enjoy being a new mum and auntie!

The_Conductor

ncmc wrote: »

That's good to hear, just wanted to add that you haven't heard from your sister about who the Godparents are, she could decide to have two Godmothers and no godfather. My brother and sister in law did this, they wanted her sister who she is very close to and they also wanted my sister who had helped out a lot during the pregnancy and had given them loads of her old baby stuff. It worked really well and no-on batted an eyelid so there is a chance you could still be asked!

If not, I agree with others here, you are so close, she probably knows that you won't be hurt if she doesn't chose you, very often chosing the godparents is more political than anything and it can be hard not to hurt anyones feelings or put noses out of joint.

Best of luck with your own pregnancy and enjoy being a new mum and auntie!

Our son has 2 god mothers (and one god father). The church were only too happy to accommodate this- and all 3 of them were presented with their scrolls etc (technically they will only record one godmother and one godfather in the parish register- but who needs to know which name they put down?)

LegacyUser

sorry that this is joining an old question but wanted to say my bit. This isn't really about being asked to be a godparent - it is about not being asked and some-one else being asked. It's really about manners and how people deal with you which I guess is the real issue.
I've recently been snubbed myself by my brother-in-law, asking my wife to be godmother, but not me. From my perspective it's pure rudeness, if you don't want the couple - don't ask one of the couple.

LegacyUser

I'm glad OP that you are going to get on with it.
I hope you don't mind but I would like to ask a similar question and would like people's opinions.
My brother recently had a baby (the first in our family) and his wife asked her brother and sister to be godparents. Our family were completely bypassed.
The awful thing is that her family live abroad so wont be here for the christening so my other brother and me were asked to 'stand in' for them. I am highly insulted. Whatever about not being asked to be a godparent but then acting as a substitute!
I haven't said anything to my brother and sister-in-law but I can't do this. I am very hurt and wouldnt feel right 'standing in' at the child's christening. How should I go about approaching this matter. I can live without being asked to be a godparent but not to act as a stand in.

Also my sister in law is Malaysian and in her country any female friend is considered an aunt so my role of aunt has also been diminished

The_Conductor

jamesjones wrote: »

From my perspective it's pure rudeness, if you don't want the couple - don't ask one of the couple.

From my experience- it would be highly unusual to ask a couple- you'd ask for one godparent from each side of the family- often determined by whether one's siblings are male or female. So- if a guy had two brothers, and his wife/partner had 2 sisters- irrespective of all of the people being married- the norm would be one of the guys two brothers, and one of his wife's/partner's sisters as godfather and godmother.

I've never heard of a couple being made godmother and godfather- I'm not saying it doesn't happen- just that it would be considered very unusual- as many people would consider that one side of the family (either the father's or the mother's side of the family) was being snubbed.

This is my experience of Irish/UK/US and South African christening cermonies- across 3 different Christian branches........

desolate sun

godmother woes wrote: »

I'm glad OP that you are going to get on with it.
I hope you don't mind but I would like to ask a similar question and would like people's opinions.
My brother recently had a baby (the first in our family) and his wife asked her brother and sister to be godparents. Our family were completely bypassed.
The awful thing is that her family live abroad so wont be here for the christening so my other brother and me were asked to 'stand in' for them. I am highly insulted. Whatever about not being asked to be a godparent but then acting as a substitute!
I haven't said anything to my brother and sister-in-law but I can't do this. I am very hurt and wouldnt feel right 'standing in' at the child's christening. How should I go about approaching this matter. I can live without being asked to be a godparent but not to act as a stand in.

Also my sister in law is Malaysian and in her country any female friend is considered an aunt so my role of aunt has also been diminished

You should definitely say something to your brother and sister-in-law. Maybe that is the practice in Malaysia to ask one side of the family? Don't know though, doesn't sound right, TBH.

The_Conductor

godmother woes wrote: »

I'm glad OP that you are going to get on with it.
I hope you don't mind but I would like to ask a similar question and would like people's opinions.
My brother recently had a baby (the first in our family) and his wife asked her brother and sister to be godparents. Our family were completely bypassed.
The awful thing is that her family live abroad so wont be here for the christening so my other brother and me were asked to 'stand in' for them. I am highly insulted. Whatever about not being asked to be a godparent but then acting as a substitute!
I haven't said anything to my brother and sister-in-law but I can't do this. I am very hurt and wouldnt feel right 'standing in' at the child's christening. How should I go about approaching this matter. I can live without being asked to be a godparent but not to act as a stand in.

Also my sister in law is Malaysian and in her country any female friend is considered an aunt so my role of aunt has also been diminished

Arm yourself with information- such as here: which suggests that the norm might be 3 godparents, instead of two- and approach your brother separately, as he will be better able to sit down and talk to your sister-in-law than you. It can be difficult navigating different cultural norms- she may very well be totally unaware of how she has trodden on your feelings with her choice of godparents. It really isn't fair that one side of the family is represented in a child's life- to the perceived exclusion of the other side of the family........

banie01

smccarrick wrote: »

From my experience- it would be highly unusual to ask a couple- you'd ask for one godparent from each side of the family- often determined by whether one's siblings are male or female. So- if a guy had two brothers, and his wife/partner had 2 sisters- irrespective of all of the people being married- the norm would be one of the guys two brothers, and one of his wife's/partner's sisters as godfather and godmother.
.

+1
It is very odd to expect to be a godparent because your wife/partner was asked!
I mean ask the couple???? Thats just small minded to expect.

In my experience its more a case of the mother will pick someone from her family/relations and the father will do the same with his family and friends.