I'm Losing Who I Am

LegacyUser

Long time boardsie going unreg for this.

I'm 21 years of age, female.

I got bullied very badly in school between the ages of 11 and 16. I then moved to a mixed school and got on brilliant, never looked back! But throughout the time I was bullied I attended counscilling on almost a weekly basis as I was just so depressed. All in all I've been to about 8 different psychologists/homeopaths

I've been told I'm a very good looking girl and that that's probably the reason I was bullied by the girls in my school but I've always chosen not to believe it. When I'm stopped at traffic lights in my car I often get those lads in transit vans staring at me winking etc. Thing is I'm not shy at all really but I'm extremely quiet and I'm lifeless, tbh if I was so describe my state of mind right now I would say I'm already dead inside. I have no motivation for anything, I stop eating every now and again, don't get me wrong I always make an effort when I'm leavng my house as in make-up, clothes etc. and I always try and smile but it's not very difficult to tell when someone truly isn't happy. My friends have all said this to me. They say stuff like "you've got so much going for you why do you settle for so little and why are you so unhappy". Truth is I'm unhappy because

1) I miss my nana so so much, I'd trade my life to have hers back
2) The bullying has torn a major hole in my heart which I'm never going to be able to repair
3) All boys I meet are interested in me until they realise how awkard/quiet/lifeless I can be.

Now this is where it gets messy and quite sad really. My favourite movie growing up was always Veronica Guerin. I was brought up in a very good area, good education, great parents etc, and I was always a major anti drugs person. But nowadays since I'm dead inside I don't seem to care what happens me. I took up smoking as a slow way to kill myself without the feeling of pain. I'm now hooked (it's been 3 years and I've no intention of giving up), I do e's and coke when I'm out on the weekends now, and I was pulled in recently for drug driving and was let away with it. I've lost the plot. I seem to think this is normality as majority of my friends do drugs on the weekends.

I don't know where I am. I used to be TERRIFIED of drugs, now I'm going out of my way to search/pay for them.

To say I'm severly depressed would be an understatement. I would never in my life attempt suicide so no worried there, but what I'm doing on the weekends is indirectly commiting suicide if that makes any sense?

My parents are totally oblivious to all this as are my brothers. I do attend a psychologist on a weekly basis still but I seriously dont think she understand just how bad I am. I texted her last night in desperation of talking to someone, no reply.

I'm so upset, I'm in work here atm and I think I'm going to run to my car to cry, apologies for the length of this and thanks v much for reading, any advice would be appreciated.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I really feel for you.
Lot of similar circumstances to you - bullied when I was younger, terrible depression from the age of about 14 to 24 (about as low as possible) and low self confidence.
I didn't think I could be happy, I thought it was just my personality to feel like that - to be a quiet and miserable person. When with friends or out, I always felt I was outside looking in, never part of anything. (it sounds silly to me now, but I honestly didn't know any different).

I'm now in my late 20's and things couldn't be more different for me. What I mean - is for me on the inside.
I never told anyone what I was going through, just bottled it all up. But once I took steps to open up to those closest to me, things did start to improve.

You mention turning to drugs - I'm really concerned for you - they will not make you feel better in the long run, and probably only make you feel worse.

You mention about see a psychologist and that it doesn't seem to be helping.
Have you thought about seeing your GP and getting a referral to a Counsellor / other professional?
I really found them useful in helping me to work through my issues.
Believe me I know that talking about how you feel / explaining is difficult (it took me ten years! and I regret not doing it sooner).
If you find it hard to verbally get out what's on your mind - trying writing it down and give it to your counsellor / gp etc. It will help to clairfy things in your mind too.

I hope my reply has offered you some hope. I know you feel alone but there are people out there who will understand, and you can be happy / the person you want to be. Perhaps 2011 can be the year everything starts to improve for you?
Please take the first step & talk to someone x

LegacyUser

Sorry Op, just read over your post again, and see that you have seen at least 8 other people.
I would still say consider going to your GP and explain that it hasn't worked for you in the past - maybe their methods weren't the most suitable for you.
I do think writing down all of how you feel and showing to a professional will help, you need to let someone know how you are feeling.
You mention about missing your Nana - maybe bereavement counselling could be a start?

LegacyUser

going_anon wrote: »

I got bullied very badly in school between the ages of 11 and 16. I then moved to a mixed school and got on brilliant, never looked back! But throughout the time I was bullied I attended counscilling on almost a weekly basis as I was just so depressed. All in all I've been to about 8 different psychologists/homeopaths

I've been told I'm a very good looking girl and that that's probably the reason I was bullied by the girls in my school but I've always chosen not to believe it. When I'm stopped at traffic lights in my car I often get those lads in transit vans staring at me winking etc. Thing is I'm not shy at all really but I'm extremely quiet and I'm lifeless, tbh if I was so describe my state of mind right now I would say I'm already dead inside. I have no motivation for anything, I stop eating every now and again, don't get me wrong I always make an effort when I'm leavng my house as in make-up, clothes etc. and I always try and smile but it's not very difficult to tell when someone truly isn't happy. My friends have all said this to me. They say stuff like "you've got so much going for you why do you settle for so little and why are you so unhappy". Truth is I'm unhappy because

1) I miss my nana so so much, I'd trade my life to have hers back
2) The bullying has torn a major hole in my heart which I'm never going to be able to repair
3) All boys I meet are interested in me until they realise how awkard/quiet/lifeless I can be.

Now this is where it gets messy and quite sad really. My favourite movie growing up was always Veronica Guerin. I was brought up in a very good area, good education, great parents etc, and I was always a major anti drugs person. But nowadays since I'm dead inside I don't seem to care what happens me. I took up smoking as a slow way to kill myself without the feeling of pain. I'm now hooked (it's been 3 years and I've no intention of giving up), I do e's and coke when I'm out on the weekends now, and I was pulled in recently for drug driving and was let away with it. I've lost the plot. I seem to think this is normality as majority of my friends do drugs on the weekends.

I don't know where I am. I used to be TERRIFIED of drugs, now I'm going out of my way to search/pay for them.

To say I'm severly depressed would be an understatement. I would never in my life attempt suicide so no worried there, but what I'm doing on the weekends is indirectly commiting suicide if that makes any sense?

My parents are totally oblivious to all this as are my brothers. I do attend a psychologist on a weekly basis still but I seriously dont think she understand just how bad I am. I texted her last night in desperation of talking to someone, no reply.

I'm so upset, I'm in work here atm and I think I'm going to run to my car to cry, apologies for the length of this and thanks v much for reading, any advice would be appreciated.

I have a close friend that sounds somewhat like you- negative unwanted attention at odds with the sensitivity and modesty that betrays her decent upbringing. She has a self destructive Jekkyl and Hyde thing. Why do you party it up so hard? Is it because you want to howl at the moon? Are these people your friends or drinking buddies? Do you have any *close family or friends you can turn to? What about your brothers? Would it have been your Gran? Do you allow yourself to let go and cry? Are you afraid of your emotions?

You have had a rough time but life does have a way of getting slowly easier as you get older. I think you just get lazy and give up mulling things over ad nauseum. You start to accept things as they are and yourself are as you are. You are still young (you are sick of hearing this I know) you will change and evolve and IME, you are that age where you begin letting go of the past and moving on taking the best of who you were and letting go of those negative things and simply moving forward. You are here posting this and acknowledging that you know this isn't right and you have to change even though you can't see how at the moment. This is at least a step in the right direction. Rome wasn't built in a day but you do have to be willing to start somewhere. I have come face to face with my bullies several times over the years and in all cases, you can see their embarassment. That does help.

You sound like a wonderful person but from what I've read, you must try to begin to accept your wonderful self and really give yourself to the people you love and allow them to love you back. You mention meeting boys too but you may not meet someone evolved enough to accept you for who you are in your current environments. Having said that, meeting someone nice isn't an answer in itself so please don't use this as another stick to beat yourself.

common sense brigade

Hi OP. The numbness and pain is being made worse by your drug use. I know I have lived it. age 21-26 i did Coke and E every weekend. Now happily Drug free thank goodness. Its not good for you hun. It will seriously impact on your mental health. Its not normal. It may seem like that and I know more and more young people are doing it. But its making your situation ten times worse. The comedown alone from your weekends must be awful. Going to work hanging like that and then doing it all over again come friday. You are going to burn yourself out. You will get yourself into unsafe situations and meet unsavoury people. It a vicious circle. Friends that are doing these drugs with you. Are not real friends. They will all disappear as soon as you quit. They are Drug/Drink Friends. A real friend is someone who would notice your in pain and want to keep you away from dangerous situations like your in. You must try and think feck those bullies, who do they think they are. Your beautiful and have a job and do have alot going for you. They were jealous of you. You must stop letting these bullies control your life hun. They would want to see you fail and end up a drug addict hanging around town losing your looks. Dont let that happen to you. I would suggest hynotherapy as a way to combat your stress and anxiety and to help quit the drugs. Im no holy mary but drugs every single weekend is going to destroy you in the long term hun. I also lost my nana at age 14 she was my guardian so effectively my mother. The grieving process is very hard. i know what your going through. pm me anytime

LegacyUser

Wasjustlikeyou's Quote: Have you thought about seeing your GP and getting a referral to a Counsellor / other professional?

Hi wasjustlikeyou, thanks for the post! I was put on anti-depressants about two years into the bullying and I was on them for about 6 months and didn't feel in anyway different. Another 2 years later I was put back on them but at a higher strength and still nothing. I guess they dont work for everyone.

Also - the counscillor I'm currently seeing was referred to me by my GP. The one previous to this one was also referred to me by my GP. I've gone to the best as well ! These people which I have gone to are all the likes who do interviews with Ryan Tubridy on the Late Late, so I can't say I haven't tried.

I've tried everything at this stage. Going to my doctor, psychologists, cognative therapists, homeopaths... I really don't believe anyone can help me.

I even went to see Una Power (well known psychic). And the first thing she said to me was she could tell I'm very unhappy. She knew about the bullying straight off.

For my birthday my mum asked me what I wanted and I said I wanted a plot in a graveyard. The thing is - I really did want one! I wanted one with my nana and in my heart I knew she wouldn't get me that for obvious reasons.

Things are getting worse, I've done so many things I'm not proud of, and each happens to be worse than the previous. I dont know when it's going to get to the stage where I'll end up been arrested or even dead. I'm in tears writing this

If only the bullies could see me now, people who have been bullied don't realise how it stays with you. It changes who you are/who you become. I wish people would become more aware, especially parents

Lightup

Hello there,

When you speak about "loosing" who you are and how you feel dead inside, I understand what you mean cause I have felt that way too. And it's an awful place to be. I am a 28 year old and sort of coming out of it now.

I spent a lot of time pretending to be happy to the world, and feeling very despairing and without hope inside myself. I was so afraid that I would have to spend my whole life living in the darkness. Nothing I read, or heard, or thought about made a difference to how I felt. No books or people or experiences altered the deadness inside, I lost my connection to the world.

I will not try to give you life altering advice to change everything...that never worked for me! But maybe I can give you some ideas that might help.

It does sound to me that you have deep wounds from the bullying, they seem to have broken your spirit a little bit.

And you are also in a state of grief after your nana passing.


You are in a lot of pain at the moment... and justifiably so. Maybe you are behaving destructively because you don't know how to let out all the angry feelings you have? It's really hard to express feelings when they are as strong and as deep as yours I think...and words don't seem enough sometimes. Councillors and psychologists are supposed to help with these things but I get they are not working for you.

I don't have any answers for you, all I can say is that you will come out of this hurt. You are in a dark tunnel at the moment and you can't see the light in front of you, but it is there.


Maybe the most helpful thing you can do, is to not hurt yourself even more while you are lost. Don't add to your own confusion by injuring yourself... the bullies have done that enough already.
But with your present behaviour you are adding guilt and further bad feeling to whats already weighing you down.


Instead, try to be good to yourself. Recognise that you are only one small person and that you are deeply hurt. You deserve to be good to yourself and to go easy on yourself. You are doing the best you can, and you are very young to have to cope with such difficult experiences.

Your life will creep slowly back to a better place, try not to harm yourself too much while its getting there. Take pleasure in the (healthy) things you can, and hold on.

Little Acorn

Hi OP,
I know that you have seen 8 counselors in relation to the bullying, but that was when the bullying was actually taking place,
Are you discussing the issue of the drugs, and your feelings of loss regarding your nana with your psychologist that you are now seeing once a week?
You say that your psychologist doesn't seem to understand how bad you are, have you explained everything honestly to her like you have done here?

[I only ask because I know 2 people also from very good families, who attend counselors, mainly to keep their family happy, and they are too afraid of judgement to tell the counselor that they also take illegal drugs, or feel that they are losing control of their usage.
Everything is confidential,the counselor will have heard it all before and will not judge.]

The death of your Nana seems to one of the major issues here. As another poster suggested, have you tried a counselor that deals especially with bereavement?

You say you were put on antidepressants a few years back, and the only change they made was giving you a higher dosage which still didn't work.
I have read many times on this forum from people with personal experience with antidepressants, who say that it could take many times before you find a tablet that suits you.
Some people might have to try 5 different types before they find one that actually works.
Again, tell your doctor if they are not working. Don't pretend that you are fine or are starting to feel better if you are not really. It is only then that the doctor will know to try you with a few different types.

I'm sorry you didn't get a reply from your psychologist when you texted last night, but I'm sure it wasn't because she didn't care or anything, she might not have had her phone, or maybe there are some work rules which don't allow her to reply.
The moderators here know loads of freephone numbers to talk to people at any time of the day or night, like samaritans and I think Aware?

I know it is very important that you deal with the issues of bullying from your past. From all of the counselors you have seen, I expect and hope that you have discussed it extensively, and how it made you feel at the time.
I think that maybe it is now time to focus more on the problems you are experiencing right now.
You have new problems today, and of course these are linked to what happened in your past, but I think it's clear that you already acknowledge that.
Imo if you get help and advice from an expert that focuses mostly on your present problems, like the drugs and some bereavement counselling, it could make a big difference.

I don't know if I'm explaining what I mean properly.
I'm not trying to say to forget about the bullying, I'm just saying that if you feel that you have already talked all you can about it, and if you feel that you have already acknowledged and understand how it affected your emotions,
then perhaps putting more focus on your current problems [whilst still understanding it's linked to your past], might be of more benefit to you than focusing solely on the bullying.

If you are already doing this and speaking to your psychologist keep it up, it could take a while before you see the benefits. And definitely don't be afraid to ask the doctor for a different type of antidepressant, if he recommends it after speaking to you.

If you weren't taking drugs, would you still want to hang around with current friends. I'm not saying you definitely shouldn't, alot of my friends take drugs recreationaly and it doesn't bother me, but that is because I have lots of other different things in common with them.
Do you have any sport or hobby that you always wanted to try but don't feel the motivation to do so at the minute?
If you make yourself give it a go, you could meet people that you have more in common with, and discover something that gives you some happiness.

Anyhow, sorry for really long post. Just throwing a few ideas out there.
I hope something finally starts to work for you, and helps you to start enjoying your life again. Good Luck. :-)

LegacyUser

OP...when you are speaking to a counsellor are you constantly analysing your past, or are you focusing on ways to make you feel better now? The past is the past, and yes, it hurts. But if you've been through 8 different psychologists, I'm guessing you've talked it to bits. Is there anything else left for you to say about it?

The reason I ask is that sometimes I think psychologists analyse endlessly the reasons why you feel bad, go back deeper and deeper and deeper...and then do it all again next week. Sometimes, they don't finish analysing and go on to say "right, here's what we're going to do to make you better"...and it DOESN'T involved talking about what happened to you.

I think firstly you need to focus on one problem at a time.

So.For starters. Your Nana. Get yourself to a bereavement counsellor. Nor any old counsellor. Bereavement. There's loads of them out there, try Rainbows maybe.(I'm assuming you haven't already). And focus on your grief. Forget about the fact you were bullied, that your life is a bit out of control....focus on the fact that she's dead and you miss her so much.

If you can, you need to start weaning yourself off the drugs. Honestly, if it's what your friends do.....you're going to have to find new friends.Seriously.I don't know what you're doing in life, but can you have a think about how you could go about meeting a few new people.

One thing at a time. Maybe the smoking then, if you feel up to it? And definitely a new counsellor. But stop trying to deal with everything at once.I'm guessing you went to someone, told them about your bullying, then suddenly your nana died and that was a whole other bunch of stuff for you to work through with this person. Have you asked them "when do I start to feel better? When are we going to start working on something that will make me feel better about myself?"....rather than discussing the same stuff over and over again? You've tried that, it obviously doesn't work....so what's their next suggestion?

Maybe you've tried all this OP, I don't know. But it's just a few ideas.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thanks for the replies. There's been an update.

Last night I drove off in my car, I drove everywhere, I tried going to the local priest to talk to (he was nowhere to be found in the church), I also drove to my psychologists home (she was out), and I phoned my God mother (it rang out). I was in desperation mode.

Now can I just explain, when I enter this mode I lose all morals/values of myself, my car, my health, everything. I really don't care if I'm likely to die when I'm in this mood. What mostly bring this mood on is my family. I can't stand them they drive me crazy and it's funny because they think I'm the one with the issues. They think I bring all this grief upon myself which is complete and utter BS. There hasn't been one friend down the line who's sided with them, my friends have witnessed them in action before, to quote my friend "your parents are psychos". I'll give an example:

I have a mixture of friends or "acquaintences" as I'm beginning to call them, from completely different backgrounds. My parents absolutely love my two closest friends because they live in a very good area, good education etc. Whenever I bring them over my parents love it. I also have a friend from an area which hasn't a great reputation, she smokes weed with her parents etc. she's on the dole, left school early etc. Thing is, she's one of the nicest and most genuine girls in the world, she's always there for me when I need someone to talk to. I brought her back to my house one day just to hang out and I introduced her to my parents and to say they're reaction was disgusting would be an understatement. They looked at her as if to say "what's this skanger doing in our home?". They went away last weekend and they said "while we're away you're not allowed to have anyone in our home, you may have "Good Background 1" and "Good background 2" but you can't have "Bad background". They're so stuck up it's sickening and when I go mad at this I get the usual reaction "We're only looking out for you". They're driving me crazy!

I tried giving them the impression yesterday that I need to go into hospital at this stage because clearly the counscillors are not working, so they've agreed to let me see a psychiatrist to run some tests on me to make sure there's no hormonal imbalance or anything. I'm glad about this but at the end of the day I'm bitter with my family because I believe they're the cause of majority of my unhappinness. I resent them. I'd even go as far as saying I cannot stand them, I lose my appetite when I'm with them. It's sickening some of the stuff they come out with. So how is a psychiatrist going to help me when at the end of the day I have to go home to these people? I would love to love my family and I always picture myself at my mom's funeral balling my eyes out wondering what ever went wrong but I can't bring myself to respect her when she's so blinkered to how unhappy I am. I just can't stand her ways as a person, she's so stuck up it's disgusting. She makes me think I'm going crazy when at the end of the day the only reason I go crazy is because I'm driven to it.

If only she knew I was on drugs every weekend. I'm not been rebelious or anything, I enjoy taking them because they change my mental state. It's like drugs break me away from my family. I'm always picturing my family at my funeral all crying wondering what they could have done to prevent me from dying of an overdose or whatnot, it makes me so angry and bitter.

I'm desperately unhappy

eddison

Hi OP,

Listen darling, you need a break, if you can. You need to get away from the area you live in for a few days.
What is happening is a viscous circle. All the clues are in your posts. you are re-living the bullying every day. You are angry with family, and probably constantly reminding yourself of 'they did this' 'that happened' etc. You need to get off this merrygoround for a while.
Let me guess another symptom, your breathing is less? Allot of people with this, end up staying in bed, maybe for weeks, or years.
Now this is going to sound harsh- you must get a grip of yourself.
A grip of what? A grip of your constant thoughts on bullying, family, 'i'm no good' . You must stop that, and start looking for the good inside you.
I dare you to come up with a list of 100 things. I double dare you to come up with the list here. You think 100 positive aspects is impossible- let me tell you, you have a thousand. This can be fixed easily, you can make it hard, or you can make it easy. The choice is yours.
By the way, you cannot loose who you are, that is impossible. If you believe in God, you are immortal. If you do not believe in God, well we'll get to that later! Get a microscope, and look into the cellular structure of your body. You are a walking talking miracle, whether you believe in the Lord or not.

LegacyUser

Simply put, you are not like your parents and they are not like you. It seems to me that you they aren't prepared to accept you as you are as much as they should. You are right- they should try to accept you and try to help you but they can't. It would be as hard for them to empathize with you as it is for you to empathize with them so its a stalemate.

That means that it's basically up to you, IMO. You are a grown-up too. There's nothing stopping you from being the bigger person. If they want to be unreasonable, there's not much you can do about it except maybe extricating yourself from the situation. One of the most popular 'definitions of insanity' is repeating an action and expecting a different result (or something to that effect). I suspect you may fall into this category by expecting your parents to engage in the sort of relationship you would like to have with them. They probably won't and it's not entirely reasonable to expect them to.

Try to understand one difficult thing; the way your parents 'treat' you has very little to do with you and much much more to with them and their values which they are perfectly allowed to have. In other words, they might be your parents but it isn't personal.

dan_d

OP, you are frantically looking for a solution to your problem, while the problem stares you in the face every day.

You're trying to solve about 6 different problems all at once, in your reality and in your head.That's enough to drive anyone nuts.

I don't know if the psychiatrist will help you or not...

Ease up on yourself.Seriously.You've said it. You're desperately unhappy - with everything. Your behaviour is an indication of how unhappy you are.

You have been to 8 different mental health specialists since you were 11....so in 9 (?) years, you'll have visited 9 different people (including the new one). is that right?

No wonder your head is wrecked OP.

Can you start by choosing a counsellor and sticking to them. Like glue. Someone you trust. Someone who wants to make you feel better, not constantly have you rehashing your feelings. Please consider someone who can do CBT as part of their work, as I think it would help you, although I know you've already tried it.I just don't know if hopping between all these professionals, for whatever reason, is benefitting you.You're trying to find some magic, cure-all pill, and there isn't one. Your circumstances have made you unhappy and now you're obsessed with how bad they are.

I really think you need to start with a grief counsellor still.And I agree with Eddison - make a list of 10 things you like about yourself. Seriously. It's hard, but try it.10 serious things. Post them here if you want.

The thing is OP, the cure is actually inside you.You need to find someone to help you unlock that, make you really believe that. All the tests in the world don't change that fact. Your circumstances are getting to you, but you need to find someone who will give you the skills to cope with them and deal with your family.

You absolutely can do it OP. But you need to just stop and give yourself a chance. Stop dead, sit back and take a long look at yourself and what you want to do first. Baby steps.

And remember, we're all here still!!!!

gerryk

I have little to add, apart from this...

When you are emotionally at a low ebb, or prone to mood-swings, drugs like cocaine and mdma can have a hugely exacerbating effect. The neurotransmitters affected by these drugs are exactly the ones responsible for our moods and emotions and artificially altering these and their effects can really lessen your ability to deal with what life throws at you.
This is not a moral judgement, as my position on drugs is not entirely black and white, it is a judgement based purely on how they affect you and your biochemistry.
Take a break for a while... let your brain stabilise for a bit, and you'd be amazed at how the mood swings, irritability and general dark feelings go away.

LegacyUser

OP you are saying completely different things to what you said in your original posts. In your original posts you described your parents as "great parents" who always tried their best to raise you right, and to get you any help they possibly could.
You are now saying that you enjoy drugs and that you like how they make you feel,
yet in your first post, you said that you didn't want to be taking drugs, and that you were only taking drugs as a way of slowly and purposely damaging yourself, because you are so depressed "indirect suicide" was your exact words.
You also said that you got caught drug driving, and in your second post said that things keep on getting worse and worse to the point you fear you will end up arrested or dead.

You quite clearly listed what was making you depressed, and nowhere did you once mention your parents. Your only issue with them especially your mum, is that she is stuck up because she doesn't like your weed smoking, school drop out friend. This girl could very well be extremely nice like you say, but all your parents are going to see is somebody who might be a negative influence on their already vulnerable daughter. It is a bit snobby, but I think their reason behind it is purely out of love and concern for you, and the wish to see you surrounded by people who would be a good, inspiring presence in your life.

I had almost identical feelings towards my mum when I was younger, and I couldn't understand why she despised some of the friends who I considered the soundest and best craic people I knew. The majority of those friends of mine that she didn't like when I was younger, grew up exactly as she always said they would.
You [and me] are so lucky to have parents who actually give a fcuk about us, and actually care about the company we are keeping. I won't go into too much detail, I'll just say that mum was right, even though it took me years to actually see it...
You said yourself that you think of these people as more "acquaintances" than actual friends.

You say you are not rebelling, but are you sure about that? You seem to be harboring a lot of anger towards your parents. Do you blame them for not somehow preventing your earlier bullying? If so, this is another issue that you will need to discuss with an expert and possibly also with your parents.
Another possibility is that you are using your parents as a scapegoat for your own behavior that you feel guilty/bad about in yourself.
You have made it clear that you were very anti drugs growing up, and therefore seem ashamed about your current lifestyle. Instead of taking ownership for your own choices, and admitting your problems with the drugs and friends [like you did in the first post] you have suddenly switched to saying "I like taking drugs", "I like my friends", the only problem is that "my mum is a snob"
If you convince yourself that it's just your "snobby parents" that are the problem, then it's very easy to excuse and brush away all the original problems that you truthfully admitted in your earlier posts.

Definitely try to speak to a bereavement counselor, and speak to somebody about your current concerns about your drug use. Also speak about your feelings that you have towards your parents and try to work through all of these issues with a professional instead of just focusing on the bullying.
Good Luck OP.

Pluck81

Hey OP

I was bullied from a young age too and all they way through secondary school. I can understand the self destruction that you are doing to your body. I did the same but not with drugs or alcohol, I used food as an emotional crutch. I was always a bit chubby but the bullying made me comfort eat. I can understand your low self esteem also, I have had it for years and am only regaining some of it now. I am 29. I am lucky enough that I never had to deal with the death of a close family member like you have though.

I think you should talk to a friend about your problems at least they will be impartial. I also agree with some other posters about getting away from your hometown for a few days. The change will do wonders for your mental state. And the temptation to use drugs will be eliminated for a while. You should also see a bereavement counsellor because your grannys death seems to be a major factor too.

If you want to talk about anything drop me a private message.

Good luck and take care of yourself:)