Can we learn to communicate?

LegacyUser

Hi,

Myself and my LT partner are going through a bit of a rough patch, we moved in together a few months ago and we are now having sex once a week or so, down from a few times a week when we were not living together, I think the whole domestic and day to day side of living together has kind of taking over a bit.

He finally told me the other day that he has an issue with it amongst a few other things such as being stuck in a rut, bickering and general other issues due to us living together. But tbh I think the whole problem results in our poor lines of communication.

Now the problem has become massive in his head, we are taking a few days to think about things but our communication really needs to be improved, over the years we have had problems with our communication and it rears its head every so often not like every few months but maybe twice a year and we have worked through them. Sometimes I don't think we resolve the issues as much as we should and we are both stubborn. I think sometimes one of us needs to back down, we have generally kept things to ourselves for fear of hurting the other.

Basically I am asking can the spark be reignited and more importantly can we learn to communicate??

Many thanks!

Miss Fluff

Can you learn to communicate? Yes. A good start is for both of you to write down all the things that you love about one another and what's working in the relationship and then write down what you would like to change as well and work on these issues together.

As for reigniting the spark, yes you can do it but it will take effort on both parts. Although contrived, a good start would be to have a date night where there is a ban on any talk of relationship issues/domestic issues and set the scene for some sexy time. If you can afford it, go away for the night and ravage each other. Travel to the hotel seperately if you can. Surprise one another. If you reignite the spark, you will be able to communicate that much better with each other on other issues tbh.

LegacyUser

Hi Miss Fluff,

Thank you for your reply, I feel you are right if the spark is reignited it will help make the other issues easier to resolve. My partner is quite closed anyway and this is the most he has openend up in ages. But I feel that it shouldn't come to this for him and me to open up, part of me thinks if we had even talked a few weeks ago it may not have happened.


Even now I am talking to friends and getting outside advice but he has just gone home to think about it by himself which I am unsure of as sometimes a bit of outside prespective is all you need. This is our first time living together with our partner and he can't seem to understand that this is sometimes what happens when couples move in together. I know I am as just as much to blame I sometimes tolerate a bit too much just not to rock the boat but sometimes he thinks I am upset even when I am not as he has a sort of protector mentailty and worries about me.

Is it normal for a couple to survive when one or two issuses arise every few years or can an issue ever be totally resolved? We have other issues too but they all stem from lack of communication but this really is make or break so, if we do give another go would it be wise to set a timeframe for improvements as as it stands we are on very good terms and we do not want to end up hating eachother?

Should relationships be all smooth sailing or is it normal for this to occur when living together for the first time?

LegacyUser

Do you still love eachother? Do you want to work on it?

LegacyUser

OP, no relationships are plain sailing. The biggest thing here is that you realise that communication is a problem for your relationship and you're willing to work on it.

If it helps, I suggest that maybe you try some sort of counselling? An outside pair of eyes? You don't have to be married for relationship counselling.As for living together for the first time, I have heard far worse stories than this, to be honest, about problems that couples have living together for the first time.

Sit with it, and see how it goes. Keep talking. And don't compare how easy or difficult your relationship is with other people's - everybody's is different and no relationship is easy.

LegacyUser

Many thanks for your replies. I am the one taking the lead in meeting up to talk but when I suggest we meet again on such a day to talk he will agree straight away and talk openingly. I feel that he has made these problems massive in his own head and the fact that the same problems arise every so often scare him, but I think that there are few issuses that have to be constantly worked on and never go away.

We have a small issue with trust but yet again he has blown it out of porportion in his head, my friends are saying that he is over reacting but how can you tell somebody that the way they are feeling is OTT? He thinks that if we maybe stay together we will end up resenting each other but part of me feels that we cannot just walk away from all the good things we have, we both still love eachother very much, are very compatible, want the same things in life etc. and I feel he has let the issues we have overshadow all the good in our relationship.

I would be open to trying the counselling for a few sessions but he really does not want to go down that route, I can't force him if he doesn't want to. He clams up and thinks he is protecting me.
Can we both change and can become more open or if we decide to try to work at it will it just become awful, I know no one can tell me what to do and we have decide between the two of us what to do, but I can't just give up.
He told me that he has been trying to deal with the problems internally for the past few weeks but surely in a relationship you have to deal with the problems together??!!