bf's best mate has a grudge against me

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, i have been seeing my bf for about a year now but I found all of my friends haven't been supportive our relationship. I had been single for a good few years before I met this guy and I'm mad about him.

One of my close male friends at the time (and his best mate), when he found out I was going out with his best-mate started making snipey comments that weren't really anything to do with him.Even more hurtful then this he also pretty much stopped responding/ to my texts/ meetings with mutual friends.
I eventually de-friended him off Facebook as the only time he spoke to me was to say something not particularly nice. Now he's blocked me completely on Facebook. None of this I actually mind as I've moved on from him but my bf (who knows everything that his mate has done) doesn't seem to want to take me seriously re-that his friend has been treating me like this. He even suggests having meet-ups with this mate and his girlfriend (whom he is having an affair with-married lady)..so it's like he's completely ignored my qualms re- this friend who drinks a lot/ isn't particularly nice to me. And my bf's gone as far as to delete comment's on his Facebook page that he make's on this friend's account.

My question is why are men so protective of their friends when they're not nice to their girlfriends? I know it's a loyalty thing but surely I should come first if we want to spend the rest of our lives together?

claireeney

It sounds like your BF is hoping that you will make up with the friend and he's doing his best to ignore all the nasty comments and probably pretend it's all a big joke. would it be possible for you just to avoid this friend and if contact is made to just ignore it? your BF is probably very hurt by his attitude and you giving out about it would probably make him angry with you. This "friend" will probably fade into the background eventually.

Wompa1

I think guys get weary in relationships of the possibility the woman tries to control too much. One of the most common complaints being that once you start going out with a girl you abandon your friends. I'd say he see's this friend as part of his pre-relationship life that he doesn't want to give up.

I made what I thought was a funny comment to a girl that was friends with my ex before she went spare and hated me after that which made things awkward for a few weeks until I decided to just avoid her like the plague.

jimmycrackcorm

Look at it this way - his best mate will always be his best mate but you might not always be his girlfriend.

If you end up spending your life together then things might change but you're not going to get to do that now.

curlzy

don't know what to do wrote: »

My question is why are men so protective of their friends when they're not nice to their girlfriends? I know it's a loyalty thing but surely I should come first if we want to spend the rest of our lives together?

I think you're wrong here OP. I think that it's just your boyfriend not the entire male population. I think only very young or very immature guys need their mates to such a degree that they'll ignore or make light of the friends treating their girlfriends badly. I know my boyfriend is extremely protective of me. There were only been a couple of instances of his friends being rude to me and he put a stop to it very very quickly. I know you've been single for a while and you really like this guy but you really need to sit him down and tell him how this is making you feel and how his lack of support is making you feel. I know I'd be very upset if one of my BF's friends was mean/rude to me and my BF didn't sort it out. Likewise if any of my friends were ever mean/rude to my boyfriend they'd be sorted out sharpish. Best of luck.

omega666

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Look at it this way - his best mate will always be his best mate but you might not always be his girlfriend.

If you end up spending your life together then things might change but you're not going to get to do that now.

I agree this, ill admit ive neglicted friends before when a g/f came along, im sure a lot of people have done it. Those relationships have long since finished but my friends are still here. Unless it was a very serious relationship that different but imo friends should always be given as much priority. If you try to make him choose between ye then it wont end well.

either
a) ask him to have a quiet word with his friend (ask dont demand or give out to him)
b) try to make firends with the guy
c) If all else fails then try to put up with/avoid him and he will forget about it in time

Bottle_of_Smoke

See the dynamic of your friendship probably changed when you started seeing his best mate. Even if he had no romantic feelings for you male/female friendships are just different to male/male friendships so he could have felt platonically jealous you didn't have as much time for him.

This was compounded by the fact your boyfriend was his best mate, meaning his best mate had less time for him too. As he knew both of you he couldn't really talk to you properly about the relationship whereas normally you probably did discuss relationships.

I'm not condemning you, he should have looked at the bigger picture. It is just male/female friendships are complicated things so this kind of situation isn't unlikely. I think getting with a close friend of a close friend generally leads to disaster tbh.

LegacyUser

Its not that I don't want my bf to have this person as a friend, i actively encourage him to maintain friendships as its healthy in any relationship. That's not really the issue. I just don't want to have to see this person all the time and my bf doesnt take me seriously about the issue.

I'm also not asking him to choose between the two of us. However I think its fair to expect his friend (who used to be my friend) to be at least cordial with me. and if it was any of my friends I would expect the same.

up for anything

My ex's best friend hated me and I hated him. He tried to scupper our relationship innumerable times. He was best man at our wedding and not once during his speech did he mention me - it was pretty obvious. Then after 20 years I realised I no longer cared... about either of them. Disloyalty has its downside after a while. I'm only sorry it took me so long to cop on. Strange too that after I stopped giving a damn about his best friend that their relationship drifted apart too.

I would conjecture that this guy had/has a bit of a thing for you and feels angry and jealous since you got together with your boyfriend. Try and stop caring and know that your relationship is the important thing and you shouldn't let this guy's nonsense intrude on it.

Zen65

don't know what to do wrote: »

My question is why are men so protective of their friends when they're not nice to their girlfriends? I know it's a loyalty thing but surely I should come first if we want to spend the rest of our lives together?

Op,

I don't mean to be cruel, but your bf has no intention of spending the rest of his life with you.

I'm not saying he won't end up doing just that, but right now it's not something he has given any serious thought to.


Be at peace,

Z

Big Bag of Chips

OP, have you tried talking to the friend since the "falling out"? I do agree that maybe he had a bit of a thing for you, maybe romantically, maybe not but there's a definite hint of jealousy there, that his 2 friends have hooked up.

He was a good friend of yours, try talking to him. Being honest your bf shouldn't necessarily have to fall out with him because you have. This is YOUR argument, and perhaps your bf isn't taking it seriously because he doesn't know why YOU TWO are taking it seriously.

Do you know what I mean.. it's late and I'm 1 finger typing on my phone.. sorry if it was "rambly"!