Mothers admit to parenting lies

Nevyn

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-12192050

Many mothers are under so much pressure to appear like perfect parents that they cover up how much television their children watch or what they cook their families, according to a survey.

Such "white lies" also extend to how much "quality time" mothers spend with their partner, website Netmums said its survey of 5,000 people suggested.

The parenting site said mothers often made each other feel "inadequate".

"Mums need to be more honest with each other," said Netmums' Siobhan Freegard.

The website is calling for a more honest approach to family life and an end to the guilty subterfuge of mothers who feel unable to achieve an idealised view of parenthood.
Sleeping, not baking

Almost two-thirds of those surveyed said they had been less than honest with other mothers about how well they were coping and almost half covered up financial worries.

Almost a quarter of mothers admitted to downplaying how much television their children actually watched - and one in five "span a yarn" over how long they played with their children.

Ms Freegard, a co-founder of the site, said there had been another example of a mother who was exhausted and went back to bed during the day, but explained her failure to answer the phone as being because her hands had been covered in flour while making cookies.
Continue reading the main story
“Start Quote

It's just very difficult to put your hands up and admit that you parent differently to your friends”

End Quote Becky Mother

The need to keep up a good impression among other parents becomes even more important for mothers who are living far away from their own extended families, she said.

But the survey suggested that this fear of not being a perfect parent was not driven by images of celebrities in glossy magazines.

Instead the sense of inadequacy was caused by peer pressure from other mothers at the school gate or the nursery, the survey found, with more than nine out of 10 comparing themselves to other mothers.

The website is launching what it calls The Real Parenting Revolution, which encourages parents to accept the reality of how they live, rather than feeling bad about not living up to a myth of perfection.

"It's the imperfections that make us human," Ms Freegard said.
'Profound pressures'

One mother, known as Becky, who responded to the survey explained that it was difficult to be honest: "My friend was telling me about how she limited her son's access to the PlayStation and I agreed, telling her that I also limited my son to an hour a day, after homework.

"After I'd said it, I kicked myself for not telling the truth - I mean, it's no big deal.

"It's just very difficult to put your hands up and admit that you parent differently to your friends."

Parenting expert and sociologist Frank Furedi said that parents were under "profound pressures" from society. He said that a culture of parenting "incites parents to lie and to turn child rearing into a performance."

He added that even with the best intentions, reports such as these increased the pressure on parents: "Parents are always being judged in one way or another - including by this report. The real solution is to lay off parents and publish less reports."

Psychologist Dr Linda Papadopoulos said that it was common for people to feel that they were being judged in a variety situations. She advised parents to avoid comparing themselves with others.

"You're in competition with no-one but yourself - all you can do is the best for you and your kid."

Looks like a lot of parents are falling into the trap of competitive parenting
which seems to be the new keeping up with the Jones and proving to the world how capable we are.

I have to say one thing I do like about the parenting forum here is that we tend to have more tales about the day the kids destroyed the kitchen/sitting room then stories of parenting bliss. It is hard work, it can drive you around the twist and leave you demoralised and emotionally distraught but it's mad how spontaneous hugs and cuddles from our kids make that up to us.

Das Kitty

Yep, I like that about here too! Spent a small amount of time on another forum and the finger-wagging was unbelievable. Makes you feel like a crap parent! I remember someone posted about propping the bottle for a baby and she was made feel like a serial killer!

I feel blessed to have had the mothers and babies group I had, the honesty from everyone about how difficult they were finding everything made us all feel less nuts. I really don't think I could have survived post natal depression unmedicated without them.

A friend's sister in law is a bit like the women described above, she has to be always perceived to be perfect. When she became a parent earlier in the year she was still saying how great everything was but you could see the stress. I brought her out for coffee one day and I just went on for an hour about all the mistakes I was making and joking about them. My friend told me after that the SIL was so relaxed after that her husband thought we'd been smoking pot!

metrovelvet

There is so much judgementalism around it that I have found very little honesty from people bar one or two.

deisemum

My lads are teenagers, I had the first one in London and parents were a hell of a lot more honest than what I've seen here. I had my second one here and from the very begining some people were just so competitive.

The limited amount of tv that some parents claim they allow their children to watch ie., no more than an hour and then it must be educational tends to be a favourite with some parents yet if you were to call round to such a parent's house be it morning, afternoon or evening the child is usually watching the tv and knows all the characters from the different cartoons.

I've seen it range from sleeping through the night, walking, toilet training, not forgetting the breast v formula but also breast v breast.

It can be hard to keep a straight face though when the other parent lets the cat out of the bag and is more truthful

It's not just competitive parents but some grandparents love boasting about their grandchildrens achievements to their friends.

metrovelvet

Is no one going to complain about the gender bias in the article and the title of the thread?

When I entitled a thread addressed to 'moms' it got changed to 'parents'.

Nevyn

The thread title is from the headline of the article which was reasearch done a website called Netmums and all the respondants to the research were mothers.

How Strange

It reminds me of something I read a few months back which suggested that if parents don't conform to what all the other parents are doing then they are considered 'bad' parents and they should be reported to social services. The article which was probably in the Irish Times (which I can't find) was in response to this story from UK

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1291970/Couple-threatened-social-services-children-ride-bikes-school.html

With regards to this story, IMO its probably a middle class thing because where I live in Dublin 10 you'll regularly see 5 or 6 years olds walking to school, getting the bus with other kids. Go over to a more middle class area and they are being driven by their parents, nannies etc. In fact one thing that I always notice about where we live is that kids of all ages are allowed to play unsupervised at the weekends and in the evening during summertime.

I also remember hearing a story years ago about someone who rang into Joe Duffy to complain about neighbours who were putting their baby in a pram and leaving it on the balcony for most of the day. The story escalated and snowballed over the course of the week to the point that the dad rang into Joe Duffy and said his mother in law was minding the baby; they were Eastern European and it was part of their culture to leave a baby in fresh air as much as possibe. My mam said years ago babies were always left in prams outside because they slept much better.

It really does seem like a tyranny of the consensus and there's very little tolerance for individual parenting styles.

smelltheglove

I have to agree, some parents say things that are unbelievable, I knwo one who says she gets up and has her house cleaned including skirting boards, showered and hair done before waking the kids for school at am yet when you go to the house the skirting boards dont look done. Whats the point, is there a need to lie?

I have 2 kids, their rooms do be in a heap, no matter how long I spend cleaning them they spend 5 mns wrecking them, they watch tv, they go outside and play without me watching every move, they are normal kids and I am a normal mam who cant keep up with the washing as there is so much of it, Im not going to lie, I hate lies and it really lowers my opinion of people when they lie over stupid things and catch themselves out.

The way I see it, tell the truth because not many people have the brains to remember each and every lie they have told.

wolfpawnat

I cannot understand or stomach competitive parenting. I watch US wife Swap and those sorts of things and the families don't look like families but more like a business.

My son gets bruises and cuts, because he falls. But they are small ones and I never leave him alone near stairs or tiled floors.

He wrecks the house during the day and most days I don't even try to clean it until he is asleep.

He cannot talk yet even though he is nearly 2 and he is a messy, independent eater. He poured a full cup of apple juice all over himself and the carpet the other day.

I spend time in the room with him but not actually playing with him because I like me time too! I am just realistic enough to know that I have to be in the room with him getting it!

I went around the house yesterday wearing a black t-shirt which he blew his nose into and I didn't notice! So my shoulder had a disgusting stain on it! My house is a home and we are normal. I don't care if Bethany can read in 4 different languages at 3yo, my son is doing his thing. I care about my friends and other boardsies children, and I ask about them, but I do not compare them with my child. Well I compare ridiculous "you wouldn't believe what he/she did this time" ones but that's it.

Parents need to get over themselves and stop living lies to look perfect for others!

Ok, Rant over!

bubbaloo

This is so true. My neighbour is the worst for it. If I was to believe everything she says I would think her kids never cry, eat every food known to man, sleep 13 hours a night and play quietly with each other all day long.
The truth comes out of her husband's mouth every so often and her face turns sour! It's hilarious to watch. And it's so hard to bite my tongue and not make some smart comment!!
Anyway, kids are kids and none of them are perfect but we love them all the same!
I love sitting with other parents and having a great laugh at the reality of parenting - the hilarious stories of what the kids get up to and how we all deal with that. We live and learn!

What!!
Mums competing with each other over who has the better life....
It's the little things.....

LegacyUser

How Strange wrote: »

It reminds me of something I read a few months back which suggested that if parents don't conform to what all the other parents are doing then they are considered 'bad' parents and they should be reported to social services. The article which was probably in the Irish Times (which I can't find) was in response to this story from UK

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1291970/Couple-threatened-social-services-children-ride-bikes-school.html

this is the irish times article, which i was reminded of too when i read this thread
http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/health/2010/1102/1224282473699.html

always amazed by how smug some parents are, glad it is being highlighted as i am sure that it really contributes to (mainly new parents) feeling inadequate and less confident.

LittleBook

At the heart of this competition is insecurity.

So true.

I always felt so lucky to have my Mum around when I had my daughter, instead of picking at me she encouraged me and instilled a self-confidence in me that I might not have found otherwise. If I asked a question she didn't make me feel like an idiot for not knowing something and if we ever disagreed on something she simply said "ah well I guess things have changed since my day" and let me get on with it.

Now I try to have the same attitude with my sisters and friends and they all seem to really appreciate it.

The first principle of good parenting is to be aware of your own needs as a parent and as a person, so you can then more freely attend to your children.

Such a simple pitfall but so common ... completely disregarding your needs as a parent (as a human being!) ... and seems to me to be a common factor in "competitive parenting". What I see as teaching my daughter independance and making time for myself, others could see as neglect and selfishness.

You can't win with some people, so you have to not give a cr@p

metrovelvet

When you see a burberry lined bugaboo you have to vomit.

wolfpawnat

metrovelvet wrote: »

When you see a burberry lined bugaboo you have to vomit.

Burberry ANYTHING is nauseating

KittyeeTrix

metrovelvet wrote: »

When you see a burberry lined bugaboo you have to vomit.

I'm so embarrassed but I have to ask what in god's name is a "bugaboo"??:o:confused:

Ickle Magoo

fluffyorganic1 wrote: »

I'm so embarrassed but I have to ask what in god's name is a "bugaboo"??:o:confused:

One of these.

deisemum

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

One of these.

They're horrible looking things

Das Kitty

Meh. Not that much different from most. tbh I've never noticed a correlation between someone's buggy choice and the behaviour described in the OP.

We had neighbours at home who were the classic "Street angel, house devil" all hyacinth bucket at the gate but we could hear them through the walls, battering each other and sometimes the kids. My house wasnt hugely better but we never made out like we were the model family to the neighbours.

wolfpawnat

Same with the family below us in our apartment block, they pretend to be great parents outside the house. All polite to everyone and playing with the kids. As soon as they are inside, "I told you shut the f*ck up" "I f*cking wish you were never born!" By the way these children are only about 3-4 and 6-7! That can not be good for their development!

Most evening alot of the parents bring their children outside and they all play together. I stood talking to him for a minute, saying I was sorry if my child's recent illness had caused then any lack of sleep since you can hear everything coming from everyone's apartment! He hasn't looked me in the face since! But I have to say his wife is far worse than him, he only yells orders, she says the hurtful stuff!

wolfpawnat

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Same with the family below us in our apartment block, they pretend to be great parents outside the house. All polite to everyone and playing with the kids. As soon as they are inside, "I told you shut the f*ck up" "I f*cking wish you were never born!" By the way these children are only about 3-4 and 6-7! That can not be good for their development!

Most evening alot of the parents bring their children outside and they all play together. I stood talking to him for a minute, saying I was sorry if my child's recent illness had caused then any lack of sleep since you can hear everything coming from everyone's apartment! He hasn't looked me in the face since! But I have to say his wife is far worse than him, he only yells orders, she says the hurtful stuff!

Record that ****!!!!
Play it back at the wall someday and you will never hear them again.

metrovelvet

My opinion would be if you end up with a delinquant horror child you can take part but not all of the credit for that and if you end up with an uberchild you also can take part but not all of the credit for that.

wolfpawnat

With kids all we can do is teach them what is right and wrong and give them good morals, keep them safe while they are growing and make sure they are loved.

But once they turn 16, we can only hope we have thought them well because from that age on they are so much their own person. By giving them an idea of the best way to go in life we can help them to achieve a good career and hope they mix with the right sort of crowd, but if not, we can only be there for them!

wolfpawnat

wolfpawnat wrote: »

But once they turn 16, we can only hope we have thought them well !

Well that's a fail for a start.:pac:

wolfpawnat

RVP 11 wrote: »

Well that's a fail for a start.:pac:

Most 16 year olds do crazy things, we'd be fooling ourselves to think any different. But I would be hoping I would have thought my son enough for him to make educated decisions about his life.

Also it is at 16 that they choose their subjects for their Leaving Certs and that in turn can cause them to choose what careers they decide to do. For example Chemistry is needed for Veterinary, Medicine, Pharmacy (and I am not sure but I think dentistry as well) without Chem they cannot even consider these careers. It is our duty as parents to make sure they understand these things but only they can decide what subjects to do!