Actions In a relationship.

LegacyUser

Hi. This may seem trivial compared to some of the problems I see here; however it’s starting to affect me in a bad way. I’ve been dating this guy for nearly 10 months. It may seem a short time to be having problems, but that’s why I need some other perspectives. You see, at 20 this is the first relationship I’ve ever been in and so I don’t have past experience to fall back on. Anyway we’re both in college and that’s how we met. Things have been going pretty good so far, but there’s a few niggling things that get me. I don’t know if it’s just me being too sensitive or too needy, that’s why I’m here.


He’s a nice guy and when I’m with him I do be mostly happy. That’s why I find this hard to figure out. There’s just some times when he’s really selfish. He lives in the college and I live around half an hour away. I don’t drive so I get the bus in. And all the times it’s me going to see him. I mean he’s never been to see me, not once in the whole time we’ve been dating. I get the bus to him, and get the bus home, which I don’t mind. Except he drives and it wouldn’t kill him to drive down to me, even once.


He sometimes doesn’t even walk me to the bus. I know he doesn’t have to, but I feel it’s a nice gesture when I’ve made the effort to get the bus in. The other day, I hurt my back and was finding it hard to walk. Fair enough, it was my decision to stay out with him, but I hadn’t seen him in over two weeks cause of the Christmas holidays and the snow. Anyway, I got too sore so I was heading home and he wanted me to go as well because he was tired. So I was getting ready to leave and he said he was going to bed, and he just got right into bed and left me to head to the bus by myself.


He also says things and yet treats me the opposite. Like he was giving out about friends of his leaving a girl on her own after a night out. But when we went out he got the train home and left me to get the bus which was 10 minutes away, even though he could have got the bus as well as it goes to his place whereas the train doesn’t go to mine. He also left me in town alone on a Friday night, when guys were shouting at us, and then me when he left to get the train. I know that just because he’s a boy and I’m a girl doesn’t mean he has to walk me to the bus, but I’d never leave a friend alone when people were hassling them and it was late out, I always try and make sure my friends get home ok.


I know I tend to be getting mad over silly things, it’s just the fact that he doesn’t care. When I say it to him occasionally like when he really upsets me, he’s all apologetic and then he does nothing. And I’m sick of feeling like I’m worthless. Like I’ve told my sister and she thinks he’s no good to me. And I get upset when she says that, because I really like this guy. But lately I’ve been feeling that maybe I deserve more. And I’d just like other people to tell me what they think. Am I being silly and over reacting, or do I have a point and he can be a tad selfish? I know it’s a tad biased, and I would have included more, but I felt it was too long already. So I’m sorry for the long post.

LegacyUser

Hey, SillyGirl?, no - you're not silly! You know the answer, you just need the confidence to do something about it.

You wouldn't treat someone like this - why let someone do it to you? I know you like being with him in general, but there are lots of nice people out there and you'd like being with all of them! Give them a chance and let this selfish boy grow up...

LegacyUser

dump him..... end of !!

there are plenty of nice fellas out there who will treat a lady the way she should be treated. he's clearly not a nice guy and you can do better. i would NEVER leave a girl walk anywhere on her own. maybe thats me being old fashioned but i was raised a gentleman, and thats the way it is...

LegacyUser

Hi SillyGirl?

IMO I think your so called BF is acting atrociously, though maybe I am just an old fashioned guy.

For me a relationship should be give and take in equal measures from both parties, but what you describe seems to be mostly give on your side and mostly/all take from him.

Personally speaking there is absolutely no way I would be leaving a GF or any female friend in town on her own while I go home, or going to bed and leaving her to make he way home. And if I ever did behave in this manner, I would expect to be given my marching orders, and rightly so. IMO the least he could do woudl be walk you to your bus and wait till you are on board. It also would not kill him to drive you home, seeing as he has a car. He also should be making the effort of dropping downto you some of the time instead of you always being the one to drop up to him.

I am sorry but from your post it appears that you are merely a convenience and that your "BF" is not really that pushed about you or the relationship.

IMHO you have two choices,
a) Have a chat with him about his treatment of you. If he really likes you he should take what you say on board and amend his ways.
b) Drop him and find soembody who will treat you properly and invest as much in the relationship as you do.

Best of Luck SG?

sporina

your not a silly girl at all..

he is not treating you well at all... and you do deserve better...

and its not just about walking you to the bus etc.. does he ever do anything nice for you? If not, you should defo dump him..

dub_3

At the very least get him to come to your place sometimes and tell him you don't like hanging around the bus stop on your own.

If he fixes these then there's hope (he just needed a wakeup call)
If he doesn't then dump him (he should have fixed all the things you mentioned long ago anyway)

Katgurl

I'm a firm believer in actions speak louder than words op. I wouldn't bother discussing it with him anymore. Just breezily tell him next time he suggests meeting up that you fancy night in yours and he's more than welcome to join you. Say it by text / phone and then end the conversation. The same approach for going to his, say you'd love to come over if he picks you up and drops you home. When you're planning night into town say you'll only be going in if there is someone in the group getting your bus home as you don't like getting it alone and last couple of times he has gotten the train.

Men tend to tune out when they sense nagging and find it so painful they don't listen and just agree to anything to make it end. A bit of tweaking as detailed above could do the trick.

If his behaviour improves then there is no problem. If it doesn't then I'm afraid your sister is right. But at least you'll have your answer. I wouldn't assume the worst yet though. He might be a bit clueless.

Your post made me laugh at a memory though. When I was similar age tO you I'd a boyfriend who drove but I often used to head off on the train. One day I was sitting at station when he pulled up looking extremely redfaced and hassled told me hop in and drove me home offering no explanation. It turned out his mother had spotted me sitting there alone and gone straight to his and ripped him a new one for his lack of chivalry. He just wasn't thinking and i'd never made bigger demands. This guy was crazy about me too, he got my name tattooed on his forearm and asked me to marry him. So don't panic just yet!

Wompa1

Dump him

moco

Very good advice from Katgurl, leave it up to him for the foreseeable future to get to your house or pick you up. If he won’t do that, then dump him.

Elle Collins

OP, he's just not that into you. My advice is to find someone who is.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Ah to be 20 again !!! I'm going to tell you a secret that I wish someone had told me: Guys will only treat you the way you let them!!! So from now on you don't get the bus, he either comes and picks you up and drops you home or he doesn't get to see you. Tell him that if he ever leaves you alone again in town/train/bus stop that you will be finishing it without further notice, I mean come on that's nothing to do with chivalry that's to do with being safe FFS!!! I drive and when I met my OH he didn't, I drove him to and from home because I wouldn't be selfish enough to leave him get the bus. Your BF sounds a bit of a pillock but not BAD, as in he's not lying etc, he's just acting like a childish, thoughtless plank. So from now on lay down the law, i.e. you can come and collect me on Saturday if you drop me home afterwards. FFS though you have to stick to what you say. If you can't "train" him to act like an adult and proper boyfriend just finish it. You're only 20 and I'm sure in no time you'd find a guy with a bit more cop on.

Best of luck.

Corkblowin

Hey OP.....older guy here!

I agree with Curlzy....men need to be trained!

My mother was very much into being gentlemanly etc, so even as a child my brother and I were taught to offer our seats, offer to carry heavy bags, hold open doors (becoming a bone of contention with the number of rude 'ladies' about....but thats another days work) etc etc. It really does sound like this guy is simply clueless, and is acting selfishly because he has never been educated in how think of somebody else. I hope thats the case anyway - otherwise......

I hope hes not too dumb to be trained or hear what you're saying.

Zen65

SillyGirl? wrote: »

He also left me in town alone on a Friday night, when guys were shouting at us, and then me when he left to get the train. I know that just because he’s a boy and I’m a girl doesn’t mean he has to walk me to the bus, but I’d never leave a friend alone when people were hassling them and it was late out, I always try and make sure my friends get home ok.

Op,

This is very poor behaviour by any friend, and especially by a boyfriend. He's either clueless or just incredibly selfish, and I would not waste another minute of your life as his girlfriend. I generally do try to avoid giving the advice "dump him/her" on Boards because it's a very disposable attitude, but I think you know that the guy your dating does not meet your expectations (which are very reasonable), so I really do advise moving on and finding somebody who knows how to care for others.

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Hey, OP here. Thanks all for your perspectives. It has definitely made me see that I’m not over reacting, or being silly, as I put it. It was nice of all of you to take the time to help me out.

I’m going to try Katgurl’s and curlzy’s suggestions. It seems a good way to get it through without seeming like a nag or a moan. I’ll also have a chat with him about visiting me more. I think some of you are right when you say that he’s just a bit clueless and I guess I should speak up more.

I mean I knew that I was letting him away with things that upset me by not saying anything, so you’ve given me the confidence to be more assertive.

If he doesn’t change, I guess I will break up with him, as hard as that seems to me now. I just don’t want to be in a relationship where I feel used. So thanks all for your feedback.

highlydebased

HAving dated a girl who was like that, it did not last long! As much as I hate to say it, many more fish in the sea.