Seriously, what is a friend?

LegacyUser

I'll start from the beginning.


I have this friend, call him "John", from way back in secondary school, we all hung out as a group in school.
So secondary school finished anyway and everyone went their separate ways, one guy went to college in a completely different country.

Me and this John fella ended up going to the same college and more or less the same course just by fluke.

Me and John are now in third year and have been really greats mates from way back in school.
Me and John have been more or less best friends since college started as we were with eachother a lot more as the group split up after school.

Me and John would meet up outside college fairly regularly, play some XBox, go for drives in my car, always over at mine for dinner, just have a good laugh

There has always been one small thing that annoyed me about John:

It is always guaranteed to be me who will text him saying "are you coming out?" or I will always be first to initiate chat on FB; If I didnt text him for a week he doesnt seem to mind as I will be the first to txt after that week.

Now, since christmas there has been a change:

The guy who left the country after school has returned (call him Bill), fair enough.

"john" was better friends with this guy in secondary school and it is only really since college that me and John have become best buddies.

So, new years came and went, I (as usual) got in contact with John seeing if he wanted to hang out and he said yeah. We were havin a chat and i just casually asked "how was your new year anyway?" he replied, perfectly normal "ah there was a bit of a get together in Bill's house with some of the lads from school". That instantly pissed me off and i said nothing, he never thought of asking me if i was interested in going, I sat at home NYE and was none the wiser.

I let that slide and now we are currently at exam time (start tomorrow), I txt John a few days ago and asked if he would like to come out and about, he said "ah im studying a lot lately, a bit too close to the exams". I said fair enough, he's right.

This morning I go onto facebook and see him proclaiming what an epic night he had last night with the "lads". Exams too close to hang out with me apparently. Even if he would ask me do I want to go with him would be something, I ask him to any event I might be doing or anywhere I may be going.

Im pissed off to say the least, I feel like I've been used the last 3 years while other people were away and he was happy to "make do" with me, eat the food from my house, use the petrol in my car for getting about, I'm just being a good friend.

Now that one person has returned home (Bill), everything has been uprooted and I'm put at bottom of the list.

Sorry about the length of that but I needed it out, any advice of what I should do(if anything)? It is exam time and both of us will be free again in about 2 weeks.

VinnyTGM

I would forget about him, he doesn't seem to care about you. He only goes out with you when he has nothing else to do.

He fobbed you off twice which would suggest that he is doing it intentionally.

Focus on your exams, don't worry about him.

Firetrap

You asked "What is a Friend?" and while the answer to that could take a while, one thing is for sure. John isn't one of those As well as never being proactive in contacting you (not a good sign), he has deliberately excluded you at least twice from socialising with him and his friends. Perhaps it is just as well that Bill has come back from abroad - it clarifies just what John thinks of you. The only thing he hasn't done is said in words what he appears to be thinking.

As for what to do? Nothing, frankly. Why bother to pursue a friendship with someone who has effectively thrown your generosity back in your face? You sound like a nice person but it's time to take a step back from this and try to imagine the advice you'd give if someone else posted a similar problem.

Drodan

Yeah he's a selfish prick dude.

Do your own thing, don't rely on him. I'm sure your a perfectly nice guy, go hang out with your other mates.

I've got a similar type of situation, although since it's been going on for years a while ago I decided t just live my own life and let this person be off and do they're own moronic thing. Much better off believe me.

LegacyUser

God, you sound like a real cool guy your not pushy or demanding, your kind and patient and considerate, even when he wrote on facebook about having an epic night he didnt give a rats that you might see it! Says it all really he has no value or consideration on you as a person,you deserve wayyyy better, kick him to the cerb!

I had to do this for a while and i left myself without friends for a while but i read this... i prefer to be on my own for a while then back in that loveless relationship and i realized i was ok on my own

Also when you let go of one relationship you make way for another !! its the way it has always worked for me, it might seem cool to have loads of friends and things to do but at the end of the day its all balls, you just have to be happy, its better to have one decent friend than 10 crap friends its more lonely!


Is there other people in college you could put your energy into!!

Wish you well XOXO

Wompa1

I think male friends have a different dynamic to women. I have friends I might not see for months and these would be people I consider my best friends. I don't have many actual friends either.

I would forget about this guy to be honest. It sounds like he's the only friend you have though? You should maybe work on that a bit. Most of the friends I have made have been through work...

school friends and college friends are easily lost due to going seperate ways

claireeney

I'd ask him straight out what his problem is. even if he just wanted a bit of space from you, blatantly going out when he told you he was studying and then writing it on facebook is fierce ignorant. have it out with him, clear this up. but get your exams over you first (make sure u do better than him) and then go celebrating without him!!!

grungepants

Look man i can relate to this

A Friend is a partner in recreational activities

I had friends who never called me but i loved them like brothers so i couldnt leave them.....it was either call them or nothing.

So after alot of heart ache i found myself alone.

One night i went out to town on my own and went to a pub.
Some phrases to use will help like:
"hows it going"
"whats your name"
"you on the pull tonight?"

Making friends from scratch is like making cake from scratch
It'll take a while to learn

johnboysligo

I had a similar bunch of friends ( 3 people ) and how friendly they were with me depended on how friendly or unfriendly one member of the group was to them.

I had enough I deserved better friends that gave a dam to say something as simple as hello once in a while. long story short I stopped trying and pretty soon cut all ties to them. It was really difficult but four months on I feel a little wiser and a lot less trusting but I know it was the best thing I could have done for me. I still give a crap for these people I wouldnt wish any harm on them but I want and need better friends, you do too.

Worst part about losing a friend is realizing you lost them a long time ago and never had a clue.

First thing I would do if I was you is remove him from your Facebook news feed find a post by him and move your mouse over it and click the little X on the right side, select hide all by John. Leave the door open for him to contact you again but don't hold your breath. I'm sure this guy John is a lovely person to the right people but it sounds like you are not the right person for him and hes not the right person for you. and don't be afraid to refuse him if he only contacts you to get something like a lift off you.

Your young in college surrounded by dozens if not hundreds of people with similar interests, hobbies and shared subjects. You just need to poke your head out and say hello don't waste time worrying, spend it seeking out the company of those few people worth a dam.

Beruthiel

wtffriend wrote: »

We were havin a chat and i just casually asked "how was your new year anyway?" he replied, perfectly normal "ah there was a bit of a get together in Bill's house with some of the lads from school".

Weren't you one of those lads from school? Yet, not for a second, did he think to call you.
That answers your all your questions right there.