No Friends

LegacyUser

I am a 20 year old female, in second level education who has no friends, either inside or outside school. I talk to people in college every day, but only in college, never outside college.

I am very shy, quiet and slow (slow as in, while others grasp things quickly, it takes me a bit longer). I am not a party girl (I do like going out, just not every weekend), I have no interest in clothes/make-upfashion etc, I'm not into sports, I am not intelligent, I feel as though I am not as mature as everyone else, kind-of like I am a few steps behind them.

I am not good looking, but I am not ugly either, I do not mean to sound or come across as narcissistic, I have a slim figure and don't have to worry about putting on weight, I am lucky as I can eat what I want and I don't put on weight.

I am not very confident (I am confident, just not very condfident). I am waiting to see a psychologist about my confidence/shyness.

Every day at lunch time or when we have a free class I will go to the library and study/go on the computer for a few minutes, where as everyone else in the class would go to the canteen or walk to the park/shop.

Sometimes during classes if a teacher asks me a question, if I get the answer wrong, I feel as though everyone is laughing at me.

When I was younger I was bulled as a result of the bullying I left school and took some time out (about 3 years) before going back to school.

I don't know what advice I am looking for to be honest, I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.

Oryx

Making friends isnt easy, especially if youre not used to doing it. It takes a little bit of effort, putting yourself out there, and challenging your natural shyness. But there is no point trying to befriend people you have little in common with (the party animals, etc). You need to find a group you fit with, where you wont feel intimidated. Think about what you like to do, and join a group that shares your interest. College is probably the best place to find groups like that.

Your post does come across as negative, and you need to stop thinking of yourself in those terms, because that is what you will project. You have gifts and talents, and you are studying so you certainly have a brain. Stop only looking at what you see as your negative traits. Learn to like yourself.

On a purely practical note, stop hiding away on a computer at breaktimes. Thats a handy way of avoiding people and you need to force yourself not to do that. In all your small interactions with people, practice smiling, talking and being approachable. Doing this helps, if you are finding small talk difficult, to make it more natural to you.

I do understand shyness, I spent a long time locked in by painful shyness. But it is possible to get out.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Oryx wrote: »

Making friends isnt easy, especially if youre not used to doing it. It takes a little bit of effort, putting yourself out there, and challenging your natural shyness. But there is no point trying to befriend people you have little in common with (the party animals, etc). You need to find a group you fit with, where you wont feel intimidated. Think about what you like to do, and join a group that shares your interest. College is probably the best place to find groups like that.

That is just it, there are very little groups in college/school that I do fit in with.

Oryx wrote: »

Your post does come across as negative, and you need to stop thinking of yourself in those terms, because that is what you will project. You have gifts and talents, and you are studying so you certainly have a brain. Stop only looking at what you see as your negative traits. Learn to like yourself.

You are right, I am very negative towards myself, I am hoping when I see the psychologyist that he/she can help me to look at myself in a more positive way.

Oryx wrote: »

On a purely practical note, stop hiding away on a computer at breaktimes. Thats a handy way of avoiding people and you need to force yourself not to do that. In all your small interactions with people, practice smiling, talking and being approachable. Doing this helps, if you are finding small talk difficult, to make it more natural to you.

I do understand shyness, I spent a long time locked in by painful shyness. But it is possible to get out

To be totally honest, I find it hard to follow/concentrate when more than one person is talking at once, I put it down to me being slow and not as mature as others (as I mentioned in my OP). I don't mean to feel embarrassed, but I can't help it, and I hate feeling embarrassed by it.

Davei141

nofriends wrote: »

OP here.

That is just it, there are very little groups in college/school that I do fit in with.


You are right, I am very negative towards myself, I am hoping when I see the psychologyist that he/she can help me to look at myself in a more positive way.

To be totally honest, I find it hard to follow/concentrate when more than one person is talking at once, I put it down to me being slow and not as mature as others (as I mentioned in my OP). I don't mean to feel embarrassed, but I can't help it, and I hate feeling embarrassed by it.

Hey OP everyone fits in somewhere!

You got to stop the negativity towards yourself people will pick up on it and if you cant love yourself its hard for other people to. Try make abit of an effort to force yourself out of your comfort zone in social situations and youll realise pretty quickly how well you can adapt.

You must have a passion? whatever it is use that as a way of making friends.

Feeling people are laughing at you is classic self confidence issues don't worry they aint laughing at you im promise! Chin up OP hope it works out for you

Mola1

Ahh I know exactly how u feel..

I left school when I was 16 mainly because I hadn't many friends,everyone seemed to be too interested in going out and getting "stoving" at the weekends, whereas I wasn't and I kind of lost most of my friends and we havn't been in touch since.. since then I have had a lil boy and started back at college where most of the people in the class is 16-18 and again only intrested in going out and boys but i'm practically married I don't really have anyone at college either,I have tried chatting to people and asking about going to lunch with them but I think they dont want anyone joining their clique so I give up,I couldn't be friends with people who are so ignorant anyways.
The main thing you need to work on is your confidence,having the ability to speak up and perhaps become more "visible". Do your college organise any extra curricular activites you could join,it may be a place to meet people?
Just want to let you know you arn't alone and it will all work out one day.. <snip>

LegacyUser

OP here

Thanks for replying, glad to know I am not alone.

Looking back at this post http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=70093549&postcount=3 I don't think I explained myself properly.

What I meant was, I feel embarrassed by my slowness/lack of maturity, but I don't mean to feel embarrassed by it (and I obviously don't like feeling embarrassed by it).

I did a lot of thinking since I posted this thread and when in college this week I compared myself to others there and I think I come across as very serious, which is why I am not keen on going out and have no friends and I think the seriousness stems from when I was in school before and then left, I didn't take school seriously back then, but I am taking it seriously this time and think that serious is whats stopping me being fun/outgoing, and my confidence issues definitely stem from the bullying at school before.

Looking at everyone in college and how they are all friends and treating each other as friends, when I look back to when I did have friends, I realize I looked up to my then-friends, I didn't idolize them, but I did look up to them, and I don't know why I looked up to them, I guess I saw them as better than me.

As for the lack of maturity, well I can't explain that one.

Sorry for the long and rambling (and self-pity) post.

LegacyUser

I don't know if I'd necessarily put not being able to follow a conversation down to a lack of maturity. That seems a bit harsh on yourself. Another way of looking at it might be that you're on another wavelength. You don't come across as unintelligent or immature.

Although some of your classmates may seem like friends it doesn't mean that they are, even if they're going to the canteen and hanging out. You'll find a similar situation in the workplace, doesn't mean people want to associate with others outside of a particular context. They've a common interest, after all.

As has been touched on, you probably need to break down the frequency of hiding away. Small steps might work best. I got something wrong in front of a lecture hall of 300+ once, mortifying, sure, but I doubt I was the only one. Re being serious, nothing wrong with that, though I did go to college with someone who spoke about not but the course which was a little draining. Maybe you need to take things week by week, recognise what you've done and then blow off some steam or reward yourself at the end of the week, get some balance in there.

I know I'm throwing in a few cliches here - they're not meant to insult you or lessen how you feel, but a lot of what you've mentioned can be worked on. If you're waiting on a psychologist, do you've a personal tutor you could speak to in the meantime? I'll pre-empt you saying that would fuel the self-pity by saying that sometimes it's better to make contact with such a person than be out there in the wilderness and your tutor will have heard this kind of thing before.

LegacyUser

the splinter wrote: »

I know I'm throwing in a few cliches here - they're not meant to insult you or lessen how you feel, but a lot of what you've mentioned can be worked on. If you're waiting on a psychologist, do you've a personal tutor you could speak to in the meantime? I'll pre-empt you saying that would fuel the self-pity by saying that sometimes it's better to make contact with such a person than be out there in the wilderness and your tutor will have heard this kind of thing before.

I am not insulted easily, I prefer honest opinions, no matter how harsh, the harsher the better, imho.

I don't have a personal tutor sadly. I will phone my Doctor in tomorrow and see if he can chase up the psychologist.

To be honest, the thoughts of going to the canteen on my own absolutely terrify me, just thinking about it, it's like I can feel my body tensing up.

JackieTokeman

Look, I'm probably quite different personality-wise compared to you. Due to work and generally being interested in travelling, I've often ended up in a country where I knew noone but Sod and All.

In my experience, the best way to make good mates is to get yourself out there. By that i mean, start arranging stuff like horror movie + beer nights, chess, poker , tennis, rock climbing etc. , or whatever the female equivalent of that is.

Basically, spend more time at getting to know people, rather than feeling sorry for yourself.

Sorry if that sounds hards, but you sound like you're stuck in a maelstrom of self-pity, I think it's distracting you from the bigger picture.

Outkast_IRE

Hey op would you consider going along to one of the boards nights out in your area ? In cork anyway they are once a month i have only been to one so far but im trying to make it to one of the next one as soon as schedule allows.
Everyone i have met at them has been sound out and there are always new people coming most nights.

Ellie2008

When you said "I do not mean to sound or come across as narcissistic", deeply contrasts with everything else you said, you sound more like someone who is very harsh on themselves.

I am 28 I think I am quite shy naturally and it does overpower me sometimes but I am lucky I have a lot of very dear friends around me who I am comfortable enough to be myself with. I hope you find this. What do you mean when you say you are "not very mature", is this in the sense of life experience, the tone of your post makes you sound mature to be honest.

Maybe try to overcome your shyness a little at a time, is it a big college? If it has clubs why not join one there's bound to be a few people there who dont know anyone. 20 seems so young to me now, its such a great time having the freedom of not being in work but at the same time it can be difficult for other reasons.

Best of luck with everything and definately go to someone to talk about your issues, they may be able to shed a some light on a lot of them, I do believe people who appear very confident always are at some level especially at 20 we're all striving to be accepted, I've found as you get older it becomes easier to be yourself.