So upset

noah45

I need to let off steam

Partner of 7 years and I have decided to marry at the end of June in reg office. Both of us are divorced. 2 kids each.

My 15 and 17 yr olds are thrilled. His 27yr old is thrilled BUT his 23 yr old daughter is not happy and is crying about not wanting to loose her dad, etc, it has upset me so much and the excitement is gone.

On top of that I need to tell my family and I'm so afraid of telling my mother as she criticises me foe everything and I feel that she will be disgusted as she hasn't gotten over the fact that my first marriage ended. I know it sounds pathetic but I genuinely as so afraid of telling her.

Help:(

spinandscribble

As a 23 year old I find that attitude of his daughter incredibly immature, sort of like the actions of a little girl.

Have the two of you got along before this?

Your mother should be happy for you, no other reaction is acceptable. Just ring her, tell her and try to brush it off. Its like a bandaid, whip it off.

noah45

For a long time we didn't get on at all but in the last year we have gotten on brilliantly so I'm surprised by this reaction. If it was 4-5 yrs ago she might have been justified.

Its hard to brush off my mothers comments, even though I know it only hurts because I let it.

I need to build up courage to phone her

Kimono-Girl

to be fair his daughter is 23 and needs to get over it tbh,


as for your mother, i would suggest maybe the two of you break the news to her together and in person, if she starts on any hurtful comments get up and leave.

dub_3

Is there anything that could be causing the daughter to think that things will change with her dad?

I assume you already live together so there will be no change there.
Also presuming whatever contact he has with her also includes you so no change there?

Or does he spend time alone with her, time she regards as special.
Perhaps she thinks this won't happen any more?

In any event you need to find the root of her insecurities, so that you,
and more particularly her dad can reassure her. (not that she should need it at 23)

As for your mum, surely she won't want to miss out on what should be a wonderful day for her daughter and her grandchildren. (and it's a new outfit too)

noah45

Nothing will change she is at college during week, sees very little of her dad at weekends. She lives here at weekends etc. Doesn't spent time alone with him. Totally daft reaction but I'm not saying a word, I'll just wait til she ok .

She'll prob be moving off somewhere for job this year when she finishes college, has a boyfriend and a very active social life.

Told mother, she extremly shocked but ok. Thank God that over.

spinandscribble

noah45 wrote: »

Nothing will change she is at college during week, sees very little of her dad at weekends. She lives here at weekends etc. Doesn't spent time alone with him. Totally daft reaction but I'm not saying a word, I'll just wait til she ok .

She'll prob be moving off somewhere for job this year when she finishes college, has a boyfriend and a very active social life.

Told mother, she extremly shocked but ok. Thank God that over.

Your mom is probably happy, maybe shes shocked because she thought her daughter would be continuing to "live in sin".

Your step daughter seems very irrational. Hopefully she'll cop on.

AngryBadger

You're (quite accidentally!) competition for the 23-year-old daughter. It's that simple. By all means we can dress it up in fruedian metaphor, but quite simply, you're the new lady in her dads life.

But also far less dramatically. she's not a child, if you and her dad have been seeing each other for 7 years then this can't be that much of a surprise, certainly a change fro her, but that's life (and I'm not being flippant saying that).

There's probably no easy solution to that, if she realises she's doing it, then no amount of talk will change her attitude, however if she honestly feels she has a grievance, well then maybe she can be talked to.

As regards your mother, I can't advise you on that. Sure it's easy to say "**** your mother", but it's not like that, despire all the postings to the contrary. If you're marrying thsi guy after 7 years then I assume you love each other and I hope it all goes awesomely! But it will probably be a long time before your mother feels like saying something nice about it (if she hasn't after 7 years),so all I can say is try to let whatever comment she makes slide of you, and enjoy what you have for what it is, something you've both worked toward over 7 years, that';s not to be scoffed at!

So get in there and enjoy it, life will provide plenty of reasons to feel bad about things, but not so many to rejoice, so make the best of this

Hope it pans out OP

dub_3

I'm thinking that maybe the daughter had fantasies as a teenager that her Mum and Dad would get back together eventually. I'd expect those thoughts to have faded by now, but your marriage announcement, would have been a sharp reminder to her, 'that dream is over'. The final nail in the coffin so to speak.

It's also possible she may be thinking that now you're tying the knot, you may decide to have more kids. She wouldn't be Daddy's little Princess anymore.

I do hope your mother comes onboard with your plans. Perhaps the wedding will finally make her realise that this is the path you have chosen, you're very happy and she should be happy for you too.

I expect you're doing it a bit quietly as it's second time round for both of you, but do try to involve your mum in the planning and remind her she is important to you.

Perhaps you can convince her to put aside whatever reservations she had in the past. Am not sure how you sell the idea to her, but basically allow her to make a fresh start in how she relates to you and your husband.

Tell he how delighted you are to finally be making your relationship 'official' and it's important to you that she be a part of it. She is the mother of the bride after all.