Hot and cold

LegacyUser

Just wondering has anyone any advice on this.

I'm going out with guy for around 15 months. We're both in our mid thirties. After a few months things really got going for us. He is a very nice person and I am in love with him. He has brought up lots of things - moving in and all that sort of thing. He even jokingly mentioned a proposal. He is a bit of a procrastinator though and he often talks about doing something but doesn't do it.

In the last couple of weeks though things have changed. For one he said he needed space and time on his own and he wasn't sure where this was going. He kept to himself for a few days. I was upset that he had to get away from me but let him go fine and said that he could have what he needed but not to contact me in meantime so he could think out what he wanted. He did come back and was very keen again. I have to say though that a part of me was scared it would happen again and I couldn't let it go - it seemed so strange to go from being so close to being shut out and nearly dumped. We had a bit of a talk about it again a couple of weeks ago and in ways it did and didn't help. He said he loves me, wants to be with me and would like a future maybe but can't say it's for keeps yet.

In the last two weeks since that conversation he has been a bit distant. When we are together he drifts off and can be quite cold (which he can be sometimes before all this). We also are not spending as much time together as we had been. In ways I think the relationship has regressed - and I don't feel comfortable to just call him up or drop him a text again (would prefer he contacted me first). He is still discussing plans for future but I'm getting the sense that maybe he is all talk. He also does say lots of lovely things to me and he seems quite genuine about them. but his behaviour sometimes says something else.

Overall maybe what is happening is that he would like to be with me now (though not so much as to actually see me as much as possible), but doens't really know what he wants down the line.

I'm finding it all quite difficult. I'm an attractive confident woman usually but find that this is really bringing me down. I find it difficult to take his mood chopping and changing when I'm with him. And I feel rejected when he doesn't want to see when he can (within reason, I have my own life too and don't want to spend every breathing second with him). I'm also getting confused as he says so many things and plans but never follows through. I don't like how I'm reacting to things - I know I'm getting needy or something and I hate that. I'm torn between just walking away now or keep trying with it. I like him so much I don't really want to walk away but I don't want to lose all shred of dignity in the process of trying to be with him. I know I can only deal with my own reactions to this and I know at the moment I'm not doing great with that.

Has anyone any advice on this or what to do?

Thanks for reading (if you got this far!)

IrishEyes19

This will sound terrible, OP, but it is it possible there might be someone else in the picture?

Or

Did you used to to play it cool with him before maybe and he wasn't sure if your heart was in it?

smileyscientist

dubgirl101 wrote: »

Just wondering has anyone any advice on this.

I'm going out with guy for around 15 months. We're both in our mid thirties. After a few months things really got going for us. He is a very nice person and I am in love with him. He has brought up lots of things - moving in and all that sort of thing. He even jokingly mentioned a proposal. He is a bit of a procrastinator though and he often talks about doing something but doesn't do it.

In the last couple of weeks though things have changed. For one he said he needed space and time on his own and he wasn't sure where this was going. He kept to himself for a few days. I was upset that he had to get away from me but let him go fine and said that he could have what he needed but not to contact me in meantime so he could think out what he wanted. He did come back and was very keen again. I have to say though that a part of me was scared it would happen again and I couldn't let it go - it seemed so strange to go from being so close to being shut out and nearly dumped. We had a bit of a talk about it again a couple of weeks ago and in ways it did and didn't help. He said he loves me, wants to be with me and would like a future maybe but can't say it's for keeps yet.

In the last two weeks since that conversation he has been a bit distant. When we are together he drifts off and can be quite cold (which he can be sometimes before all this). We also are not spending as much time together as we had been. In ways I think the relationship has regressed - and I don't feel comfortable to just call him up or drop him a text again (would prefer he contacted me first). He is still discussing plans for future but I'm getting the sense that maybe he is all talk. He also does say lots of lovely things to me and he seems quite genuine about them. but his behaviour sometimes says something else.

Overall maybe what is happening is that he would like to be with me now (though not so much as to actually see me as much as possible), but doens't really know what he wants down the line.

I'm finding it all quite difficult. I'm an attractive confident woman usually but find that this is really bringing me down. I find it difficult to take his mood chopping and changing when I'm with him. And I feel rejected when he doesn't want to see when he can (within reason, I have my own life too and don't want to spend every breathing second with him). I'm also getting confused as he says so many things and plans but never follows through. I don't like how I'm reacting to things - I know I'm getting needy or something and I hate that. I'm torn between just walking away now or keep trying with it. I like him so much I don't really want to walk away but I don't want to lose all shred of dignity in the process of trying to be with him. I know I can only deal with my own reactions to this and I know at the moment I'm not doing great with that.

Has anyone any advice on this or what to do?

Thanks for reading (if you got this far!)

I think that after nearly a yr and half together he needs to cop on and start gving you answers. Its not fair to keep you stringing along like he has been doing since hes been having these doubts

I really think ye both have to sit down and have more than a 'bit' of a talk about this. After nearly a yr and a half together, its crucial that you do this to see the lay of the land. This is a very serious issue and from yr post OP I dont really feel like he gets how distressing this is for you.

Assign a time for it, sit down and thrash out the issue and whatever else may arise( which prob will) then once everything is out in the open, ye can decide whether ye can move on from this or not. But nothing can be decided until you both do this. You dserve this after all you've invested into the relationship.

I know its tough when you realise that the person you love doesn't see things the same way as you see them. But such is life. n the otherhand he may just be getting the itch and think the grass is greener elsewhere or that hes too young to settle down and may snap out of it when he realises that this is such a bone of contention with you.
At least when ye talk, you'll have answers either way and will be out of nomansland.

Hope this helps, but it sounds like you're willing to save the realtionship; whether he's willing to do the same is something only he can decide. Hopefully you get the outcome your looking for.

SS x

LegacyUser

Thanks for response Irisheyes. There could be someone else but I don't think so.

I definitely was a lot cooler before yes .. I had a lot going on and wanted to take it slow. So yes I probably put my cards on the table and really opened up to him in the last couple of months.. So do you think that might have been the problem?

LegacyUser

Thanks for your response - the thing is the talk we did have was big enough and he did say a lot of nice things and I said I could see us together. I have tried to make him see that it bothers me.. And I know he knows it bothers me when he doesn't make a big effort. I think it's all a bit fragile at the moment and I just don't know what to say now as I think I've said it all before.

It's kind of make or break in a way I suppose.. And to be honest I feel like I need a bit of time to digest everything myself. I am trying to do my own thing more but it hurts as I would like to be with my boyfriend.

I agree with you that he should cop on. I have seen quite a selfish spoiled side to him in recent weeks - he can be very immature. At least if it doesnt' work out I can always cling to that knowledge!

Peanut2011

OP, it sounds to me that he is getting cold feet! I'd say he was all fine talking about it but as you get closer to actually having serious conversations it might be bringing doubts in his mind.

What I mean is, it is quite possible he still loves and cares for you and does not want to lose you, however at the same time he is not sure he wants to be tied down.

A lot of guys have this problem and it might not be obvious when all is just kept as a general discussion, somewhat "what if"..... I'd say that is more to the point rather than someone else being in the picture.

On the other hand this is unfair to you and yes if you are sure what you want he should be able to either commit or tell you straight up he can't. Furthermore you have not mention the age group you two are in as that quite often plays a huge part of the decision.

I'd say you need to tell him what exactly you feel and ask him to consider truly what he wants. You can say you are willing to work on any issues, if there are any, however you want to know exactly and honestly how he feels.

Unfortunately there will never be 100% guarantee that he will do what he promises, even if he commits and no one could ever tell you that you he won't ever change and you know that. This is a risk you have to calculate and see if it is worth taking.

davmol

Theres someone else involved

Milkmaid

Hi dubgirl101,
it could be that he has got a little scared about how serious it was getting..you don't say what ages you are which can be relevant to how ready he is to settle down.
My advise would be to try not come across as needy to him even though he is wrecking your head. Perhaps when there is no big pressure and you both can relax and enjoy each others company.
However the biggest indicator of all is how he acts rather than what he says to you..if he is breaking dates or not making dates on fri/sat then I would suspect he isn't being exclusive to you.
If you are not seeing each other regularly esp. at weekends then I would calmly say to him that you love him, like him a lot but want to feel that he is serious about you.If you can do this in a calm manner and let him know what your needs are, he is more likely to be honest. I have dated like this and the amount of headwreck I saved myself is unreal..
If he is dating you regularly and calling you then maybe you need to ask if it possible that he is just happy to date you , loves you and wants you but is just not ready to give up his freedom yet...are you wanting different things ?
Then you need to ask is this the man you want i.e. is it important that you settle down fairly soon or are you willing to wait?

LegacyUser

I think you're right milkmaid. We are in our mid 30s. Yes I will just see how things go for a while. He does seem happy enough but distant all the same. We still see each other a bit just not as much as we did. I think he has cold feet so going to just do my own thing for a while while still seeing him sometimes. I just find it all so head wrecking so I don't know..

Miss Fluff

You poor girl. Something has prompted this change in behaviour OP and he owes you an explanation rather than just expecting you to hang about.

I hate to say it but behaviour like this is often a precursor to finding out there is someone else on the scene and/or is the behaviour of someone preparing themselves to break up with the other person.

Either way, he has now shaken your belief in the solidity of the relationship and if he really wants you for keeps he should be bending over backwards to now make it up to you and reassure you that he has merely thrown a massive wobbly/is scared and is now ready to commit to you or move the relationship on to the next level. Anything else doesn't quite cut it imho.

Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words and that's what you need to be paying attention to. There's no point in him saying he wants to be with you and then acting cool and detached. It doesn't add up and quite frankly is sailing very close to head-fvck territory. You need an explanation and you deserve an explanation so I reckon you both need to sit down sooner rather than later and really establish what you both want this to go. "Not being sure" is not on.