Funnies

MonkieSocks

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite -

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.

Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Nothing :eek:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just had my water bill of £100 drop on my mat.

That's a lot.

Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month.

Time to change supplier I think.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes....


I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and have planned to get my revenge with Matt Damon ever since.


I'll make him wish he'd never been Bourne.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, Please don't get an erection".

But she did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was walking along the beach today, when I stopped to throw pebbles in the sea.

The wife will go mad, she loved that dog.

folan

MonkieSocks wrote: »

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Nothing :eek:

Yes.
Yes.

patmac

MonkieSocks wrote: »

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, Please don't get an erection".

But she did.

Brilliant!

ballsdeep69

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite -

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.

Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Nothing :eek:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just had my water bill of £100 drop on my mat.

That's a lot.

Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month.

Time to change supplier I think.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes....


I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and have planned to get my revenge with Matt Damon ever since.


I'll make him wish he'd never been Bourne.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, Please don't get an erection".

But she did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was walking along the beach today, when I stopped to throw pebbles in the sea.

The wife will go mad, she loved that dog.

This man has the flow of a heavy period

JohnRock

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, Please don't get an erection".

But she did.

Very good!!1

Suckit

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface, it is called Face.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It will be ironic if everyone goes blind in the year 2020.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hired a Gardener today and gave him a list of things to do while i was out. When i got home he had only done jobs 1,3,5 and 7. It turns out he was an oddjob man.

Attie

Tiger Woods got himself two blow up sex doll's incase he gets a hole in one.

Tin Foil Hat

Attie wrote: »

Tiger Woods got himself two blow up sex doll's incase he gets a hole in one.

Not likely, considering his current form.