My friends kids are brats

LegacyUser

I have a very dear friend - we are both female, early 30s and are friends since primary school. She is married with 2 children and I am single, no kids.

I am finding it more and more difficult to be in hers and her childrens company these days. I normally love kids - have some nieces I adore and have never found it difficult to be around anyone's kids. but my friends children are brats - there is just no other way to say it. They treat her like dirt - calling her names (they are 6 &7), they write with pen all over her house (on almost every wall, there's a mark..), they eat almost nothing except chocolate or crisps (I have seen her mash dinners down into almost baby food, and they still refuse it..), and they are very rude. When they were younger, this was seen by anyone who cared to comment, as the terrible twos etc - but of course, they are older now and their behaviour has gotten worse, and it's just not 'cute' anymore.

My friend is intelligent, articulate, has a good job and a decent relationship with the husband. But I am finding it harder and harder to spend anytime with her once her kids are around..she always invites me to dinner and I'd often have a few drinks at her house and stay over, but lately, I've been dreading going near her house.

I've just gotten off the phone from her where she told me it took her over an hour to get her youngest out of the bed this morning, and after he eventually kicked the shins off her, she relented and gave him coco pops in bed, so he could watch some tv before school.

I might add they have never been rude to me directly - but the more I see of them treating her like this, the more I want to slap them myself. I have been almost sick in my stomach listening to them talk to her....(the oldest one often calls her a b&tch and dumbass).

I know the problem is they have no respect whatsoever for her etc - and my issue here isn't really whether I should approach my friend about her parenting skills (I don't think I'm qualified anyway), but more how I cope with them in her company, when I really don't want to lose her friendship.

Cottontail

Sounds like the kids need dicipline, TBH. They will only behave how they are allowed to behave. If they are not given the appropriate dicipline you can't blame them for behaving like brats, if that's what they are let away with.

astra2000

I have to be honest and say it is the parents fault that the kids are so badly behaved, they may be lovely people but if the kids are as bad as you say they are not good parents at the moment. There really isnt a lot you can do unless you start to visit when they are asleep you will have to put up with it.
Tbh if she was my friend and she was telling me stories about her kids bad behaviour, she would not be getting any sympathy from me unless she was working on changing things. If she starts to moan again you could suggest a parenting programme, but how would she react? Does she see how badly behaved they are?

tbh

Only advice I can offer: bite your tongue. You can't win here

OS119

sorry OP, not a lot you can do here - she obviously knows her kids are little ****s, but i doubt she would take kindly to hearing anyone else saying it...

all you can do to solve your problem - and her kids and woeful parenting skills aren't your problem - is to try and move the place you have your friendship to one where her kids aren't, so instead of going round to hers you meet in coffee shops and bars, either when her brats are at school (and i bet the school love her kids) or in an evening when hubby gets the very special pleasure of looking after the little bastards on his own... she may prefer this - its more hassle for her, but its 'her' time, rather than 'home' time.

taking the long view, it might be worth putting a bit of distance in this friendship - if you do end up having children, and you're still close friends with this woman and her family, do you really want you kids mixing with these feral yobs?

(i'm having a similar problem, only its family - the brat concerned is utterly vile, parenting skills are more than a little defficient, and we don't want his behaviour rubbing off on our brood - as you can imagine its requiring some mental and verbal dexterity to explain our infinate non-availability for any kind of joint activities...)

Big Bag of Chips

+1 to the above. Very few people want to admit they are failing as parents... they certainly don't want it pointed out to them... and CERTAINLY NOT by "childless do-gooders"! (not saying you are OP, but could be the reaction you get from her if you say something).

Any chance you could arrange to go out to meet her? In the evenings maybe, so you don't have to suffer the kids. Do it under the guise of she deserves an evening out every so often?

spinandscribble

apart from subtly having a episode of super nanny dealing with a similar situation on the telly when she comes over some time I cant see how you can talk to her directly about this. She knows they're brats but I doubt her pride will allow her to admit its her doing.

calex71

Agree with above OP keep out of it. Why not ask her over to yours on the pretense of a break from home life with the incentive of a bottle of wine and some food.

Pity the poor hubby if that works out being left alone with the little monsters

LegacyUser

Op here. thanks alot.

the funny thing is she says she knows how bad they are and she laughs about it, calling it their 'wild ways'. I really think the eldest kid has adhd or something similar because he's a very odd child altogether. I could list details of his behaviour and eating patterns here, and he'd tick nine out of the ten boxes...but again, I've never approached this with her. I just can't understand how someone could have children like this and not appear to want to do anything about them, - just smile, and accept their behaviour.

I'm actually losing all respect for her. I felt really guilty for even writing this thread yesterday, and I dropped in on my way home frmm work last night...the kids had gone back to school yesterday and their behaviour for the hour I was there, was explained as 'they're so tired after their first day back, and they always act up when they're tired...'.

They spent the time jumping from one couch to the other, screaming that they didn't want beans on toast for tea (they seem to scream alot, don't do alot of talking, just screaming), and when the eldest fella got them served up, he threw the plate on the floor (knocked the plate off the table)!!!!! She chastised him (a little bit) and gave him a bowl of coco pops instead.

Ys, I know I'm not a mother just yet, but im also not thick and if she says to me one more time 'You have all of this ahead of you...' I'll scream.

You really wouldn't believe her job if I told you. She is so intelligent, clever, witty and manages alot of people...and yet, she seems to not even want to fix this problem. I won't be dropping in for a while, definitely not after yesterday evening.

dudara

She might want to cut back on the cocopops - seriously. The children could be getting too much sugar.

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

She might want to cut back on the cocopops - seriously. The children could be getting too much sugar.

Sugar doesn't make kids behave like this, even I know that...they're brats because they've been allowed to behave like this from the start. I don't know that I can remain friends with her and I find it even hard to explain how I felt there yesterday. on the one hand, the kids are so bold and I wanted to chastise them myself, and on the other hand, I know it's her fault they are like this, and i wanted to scream that at her. Of course, I did neither, and once again, left, swearing I wouldn't return anytime soon.

Taltos

I am going to go against the grain here.

Next time you are invited over - refuse, apologise and then be totally honest why.
It might well be the end of your friendship - but maybe this will be the kick she needs to sort out her brats while they still have a chance of turning them around.
If they are kicking her shins now - just imagine them in their teens.... Black eyes anyone? "sure they are only playing"...

prinz

unregistered wrote: »

Sugar doesn't make kids behave like this, even I know that....

It certainly doesn't help.

Sounds like the parents need a figurative kick in the ass. I almost feel sorry for them. How little self-respect she must have to allow herself and her home to be treated that way. She'll reap what she sows tbh.

Oryx

The parents may need a kick in the ass, but youre not the one to give it to them. As mentioned above, if you stick your nose into this situation, youre likely to have it bitten off. Its a hard one to win.

I know that any of my friend who dont have kids do find it hard to be around mine for any length of time. (They arent Von Trapp quiet, but not as brattish as the ones above). So if I want to be with those friends I try to do it without my kids. You may need to subtly reorganise how you meet this girl so its situations where the kids arent involved. You cant help in the parent/child catastrophe that is going on there, if she cant see that she is the cause of their increasingly bad behaviour, you sure cant tell her.

ManOfMystery

In my experience, trying to meddle with how someone else raises their kids will only end badly. People may like to be praised for doing a good job with their kids, but when it's the other way round I've found that the same people will find it very difficult to take criticism - and you may be politely told it's 'none of your business'.

Of course if her kids were up to something illegal or the like, you would be entitled to say something to her - but as it is, they're simply troublesome brats. They won't be the first, and they won't be the last - everyone knows a kid or kids like that. Best thing you can do is work on your patience and bite your tongue, you just have to try and ignore them when you're around.

With any luck, your friend will probably reach the end of her tether with them at some stage and instigate some changes herself.

Squiggler

I agree that you should explain why you do not want to spend time with your friend AND her children. But I think you should also make it clear to her that you would love to spend time with her without the children present.

I think you should also let her know that you are there for her if she ever needs you. For those children to learn to treat your friend with such disrespect they must be witnessing someone else treating her in the same way. It is very possible that your friend's marriage is not as ok as you might think. Children learn by example and they treat people as they see others treat them. It may not be the father/husband, but someone must be setting them the example.

Oryx

Squiggler wrote: »

I agree that you should explain why you do not want to spend time with your friend AND her children. But I think you should also make it clear to her that you would love to spend time with her without the children present.

I think you should also let her know that you are there for her if she ever needs you. For those children to learn to treat your friend with such disrespect they must be witnessing someone else treating her in the same way. It is very possible that your friend's marriage is not as ok as you might think. Children learn by example and they treat people as they see others treat them. It may not be the father/husband, but someone must be setting them the example.

I disagree completely. Kids need boundaries and rules. If they are not shown what is and is not bad behaviour, they will act up. Also if parents are busy and always rushing, kids will act up. It doesnt follow that they are picking up their attitude from someone else dissing their mum. They are just seeing how much they can get away with. Its what kids do.

Penny Dreadful

Supernanny.

dudara

unregistered wrote: »

Sugar doesn't make kids behave like this, even I know that...they're brats because they've been allowed to behave like this from the start.

The sugar isn't helping the situation - trust me. When you see this kind of pattern, it's usually a combination of too much laxness on the parts of the parents, too much rewarding of the children with "treats" (even though they've only used negative behaviour to win the "treats") and often, too much sugar.

I think that telling her you'd rather not visit her AND her kids is a good idea. Make sure to set the context carefully though.

LegacyUser

Maybe the marriage isn't what I think it is...he's not a great support to her I guess, and even chastising doesn't seem to be done by him at all. He works long hours and often gets home when the kids are in bed. She's nver said a bad word about him though..
Im often amazed when at weekends and she wants her 'lie-in' that the kids will have fed themselves whatever they get their hands on...I walked in one saturday morning to find a whole box of cereal all over the floor, (and I mean the WHOLE box) when the youngest one was trying to fill his bowl for breakfast, couldn't do it, but was instead eating chocolate spread with a spoon from the jar for breakfast..I was surprised that at 11am, she hadn't gotten out of bed yet and her kids were up since 8...would that be the norm for you mammies out there? Just leavin the kids to their own devices ?? She's not a drinker, doesn't suffer with depression etc - she just sees her saturday mroning in bed as 'me time', where she can read her book...while the kids are running riot downstaris...I just don't get it...

i think anyone considering having unprotected sex should read this thread - oh my god they are such little brats. When children are born they are born with a clean slate - all behaviour after that is learned, it goes without saying that the parents need to cop on and refuse to be disrespected and abused by people who have only been on the planet for 6 and 7 years.
I dont understand why there is such a culture of " dont discommode kids" prevalent. Kids need parents to be strict and set bounderies, rules etc - they may be allowed act like terrorists at home but when they grow up and live in the real world behaviour like that will not be tolerated.
I do think you should ask your friend why she lets her kids disrespect her so much - if a person disrespects their mother, the person who loves nutures and sacrafices a lot for them, how are they going to have respect for anyone else in life. She is doing them no favours by letting this behaviour slide.

astra2000

unregistered wrote: »

Maybe the marriage isn't what I think it is...he's not a great support to her I guess, and even chastising doesn't seem to be done by him at all. He works long hours and often gets home when the kids are in bed. She's nver said a bad word about him though..
Im often amazed when at weekends and she wants her 'lie-in' that the kids will have fed themselves whatever they get their hands on...I walked in one saturday morning to find a whole box of cereal all over the floor, (and I mean the WHOLE box) when the youngest one was trying to fill his bowl for breakfast, couldn't do it, but was instead eating chocolate spread with a spoon from the jar for breakfast..I was surprised that at 11am, she hadn't gotten out of bed yet and her kids were up since 8...would that be the norm for you mammies out there? Just leavin the kids to their own devices ?? She's not a drinker, doesn't suffer with depression etc - she just sees her saturday mroning in bed as 'me time', where she can read her book...while the kids are running riot downstaris...I just don't get it...

No not the norm at all. my kids are now 8, 10, and 13 they usually have a lie in at the weekends since they got bigger, but when they are up we are up. When they were small and getting up at 7am we used to take turns having a lie in. Now dont get me wrong if for some miracle 13 yr old surfaced real early I wouldnt feel the need to get up straight away with him. I would class 9am or 10am as a great lie in.
Your friend is guilty of lazy parenting she may be paying a price for it now but unfortunatly its the kids who will pay the price in future. My 3 are no angels they have their moments but never anything like you described, I was shocked. And what ever squabbling/cheekyness they may go on with they would NEVER EVER do it in front of any visitor or other family member.

prinz

unregistered wrote: »

She's not a drinker, doesn't suffer with depression etc - she just sees her saturday mroning in bed as 'me time', where she can read her book...while the kids are running riot downstaris...I just don't get it...

She sounds like she's too wrapped up in herself and doesn't have the cop on to be a parent frankly speaking. It could be that she's literally thrown in the towel already, there could be any reason for that tbh.

It's ironic really, because if a teacher said 'boo' to one of her little darlings she'd probably be one of the first in to complain and kick up a fuss, or if they got hurt while running wild in a shop - the first to blame the shop owners. Plenty like her out there unfortunately.

LegacyUser

prinz wrote: »

She sounds like she's too wrapped up in herself and doesn't have the cop on to be a parent frankly speaking. It could be that she's literally thrown in the towel already, there could be any reason for that tbh.

It's ironic really, because if a teacher said 'boo' to one of her little darlings she'd probably be one of the first in to complain and kick up a fuss, or if they got hurt while running wild in a shop - the first to blame the shop owners. Plenty like her out there unfortunately.

Actually no, she's quite the opposite, and she's very accepting of the fact that they're brats herself. She has had many issues with both teachers since they started school and another friend of ours (who's a teacher) often asks her more about school than I would. Anyway, she always says she's 100% behind he teacher and always tries to find ways to sort issues with the teacher, rather than defending them.

I couldn't possibly tell her I don't like her children and therefore, don't want to spend time with her when they're around. I can't imagine how she would react, but no doubt, our friendship wouldn't be the same ever again.

I was actually sick in my stomach when she just rolled her eyes to heaven the other day when her youngest lad spat at the other lad. I wanted to scream 'Why don't you chastise them!!!!!!' - She turned to me and said 'See what I have to put up with? You have it all ahead of you girl!' and just rolled her eyes up to heaven, saying nothing to either boy.

So my original question is still how do I deal with this friendship - she is so good to me, so suportive, so much fun etc etc, but really, I don't think I can step foot into her home again.

OS119

unregistered wrote: »

So my original question is still how do I deal with this friendship - she is so good to me, so suportive, so much fun etc etc, but really, I don't think I can step foot into her home again.

try and change the nature of your friendship through changing where you have your friendship.

if you go from being people who meet at each others houses to people who meet in cafés and bars and are purely woman-to-woman friends rather than a big interconnected conglomerate of extended family and friends, then you get rid of her kids from the friendship. i'm not saying this is going to be easy, but i don't see any alternative if you want to stay active friends with her.

short version, would you want any children you have in the future having any real contact with these children (and even more sensitively, would you want this useless woman baby-sitting your kids)? no? thought not. so, you have to 'de-children' the relationship you have with this woman - and easiest way of doing that is to have the friensdhip where children aren't.

dub_3

she's very accepting of the fact that they're brats herself

So long as she thinks the problem is that she has 'brats' rather than the problem is that she has poor parenting skills, then the problem isn't going to be solved.

Once she realizes that she is the problem, then she might look for help with her parenting skills.

And even then she might not be keen to take advice from a childless friend.

Personally I think she needs to be tied to a chair and forced to watch a boxed set of 'supernanny', 'nanny 911' or 'house of tiny tearaways'

Assuming you're not going to go that far here's a trick you could try.

Next time she says "you've got it all ahead of you girl", then you say "yeah, I'm terrified, I've started watching 'supernanny'. God there really some terrible brats on there. It's amazing how they get them sorted out, you should take a look, they have great tips. Not that your kids are anything like those TV brats ha ha."

The keys to making that strategy work are:-

1. You didn't initiate the conversation, she did (got it all ahead of you)
2. Not criticizing her parenting, merely pointing out a source of extra handy tips

Absolute disaster is:-

1. you bring up subject of her kids behaviour
2. telling her her parenting is so sh1t she would do better to learn it off the TV

Do you think you can pull off the first scenario rather than the second?
If you're not certain, then keep your mouth shut.

If you actually watch a few episodes of one of those programs you could discuss with her some of the tricks you saw which might be useful to you when you become a parent. Of course not being a parent yet you have no idea if they would actually work in practice.

If she watches those programs she should cop on after a bit. It's not really about tips & tricks for dealing with brats. It's about consistent parenting (from both parents) setting boundaries, punishing bad behaviour, praising / rewarding good behaviour.

Big Bag of Chips

To be honest, I'd say she's watched ALL the programmes, and tried "the naughty step" and "time-out" once, was told to piddle off, and gave up resigned to the fact she has "brats"!

OP, honestly.. the ONLY thing you can do is have your friendship seperate to the kids.

Deise Musashi

Sounds like they have "broken" her!

My little boy took an hour to stay in the naughty corner at one time, now he will stay until told we are ok again and he's apologised.

My Daughter also took a long time to accept the rules.

We are not Ogres of parents, but kids need boundaries and rules.

Knowing that we stand united and they will not turn us against each other really helps.

I love my kids and used to be mortified if they played up in front of friends, not so much now since they don't act up, and I can accept kid's behaviour a bit more now.

Children reflect what they see, if they call your friend a dumbass etc. they heard it somewhere. I would look at the Dad and see if he's the source, but it may well be Parents or In-Laws also? Someone is disrespecting your friend in front of her kids, and the kids are picking that up.

No-One wants to hear their kids are little sheeits, and no-one wants to be the one to voice that concern.

If she is being belittled at home, you are her friend.
Suss her out in a neutral setting, over a wine or three.
She may well be more fed up than you!

Parents in Law can be an issue, be on her side if so, he has his Mammy on his side!

(I am a male, seeing this with my wife's sister atm.)

u_c_thesecond

unregistered wrote: »

.


Ys, I know I'm not a mother just yet, but im also not thick and if she says to me one more time 'You have all of this ahead of you...' I'll scream.

OP i couldnt know your pain more if i tried, just because we dont have kids we are supposed to accept this behaviour as normaility, and hear 'You have all of this ahead of you" ALL THE TIME

When i have kids, i shall do what my parents did, give them a wallop when they are bold. It didnt do me any harm, and now i respect my parents for doing it, because my kids wont dare do it. I HATE KIDS DISRESPECTING THEIR PARENTS, IT MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL!!

Ann22

I hate seeing kids being cheeky to their parents:mad:. It makes me so mad! You can't say anything though, you just have to sit and seethe. A lot of parents don't nip it in the bud though and they don't follow through with punishments either. I would've been murdered for giving cheek to my parents.

Nevyn

I do have kids and I consider such behaviour to be completely unacceptable, she needs to be thier parent and not thier servant or friend, and I would asking where the father?
If she is not getting suport and back up when she does stand up to the kids then it's a very hard place to be in.

Sounds like she could do with the suport and skills she would learn from a parenting course.

As for you, well it's not your problem, if you want to get invovled or not thats your call.
This could range from seeing her away from the kids so she gets a break, offering to mind them while she does a parenting course and not talking crap form the kids while you do this and being an adult who is active in thier life and back thier Mother up.

LegacyUser

u_c_thesecond wrote: »

OP i couldnt know your pain more if i tried, just because we dont have kids we are supposed to accept this behaviour as normaility, and hear 'You have all of this ahead of you" ALL THE TIME

When i have kids, i shall do what my parents did, give them a wallop when they are bold. It didnt do me any harm, and now i respect my parents for doing it, because my kids wont dare do it. I HATE KIDS DISRESPECTING THEIR PARENTS, IT MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL!!

Using physical force to discipline children should not be endorsed, it is the parents responsibility to put discipline in place and as adults theses days there are plenty of proven discipline techniques we can use that doesnt involve physical force, were not back in corporal punishment days, and it obviously did you the harm in the fact that you support hitting kids!

In this case the parents are not communicating, and we see this time and time again where the mother gets left holding the baby, the husband sounds like he has left her to raise the children and she may as well be a single mother.

Now the mother has given up! Bet she didn't sign up for that life if she has a good job and ambition.

Its a pity your friendship isn't a forum for discussion about whats really going on in life, if i had a close friend we would be talking about our issues until we needed to stop, until we found resolve, the friendship you have with her is just surface stuff, maybe she doesn't think she can talk to you? I know some people don't talk openly like that, but in this case i would forget about the kids in a discussion with her and talk about the husband, she must be feeling let down by him, the money he is making is not worth the disconnection with his family, your friend needs to start some serious communication with her Husband, it is as much his responsibility as hers and maybe a discussion from this stand point would get her to open up, like say, jasus some days you must feel like a single mom with the husband working so much, would you like him to be about more? Do you ever talk about it with him?


Besides that if you are uncomfortable getting involved, then dont go over to the house, have phone calls or meet outside, i dont think you getting angry about her kids is good and they are just a product of their environment, unhappy mother = unhappy kids

Maybe you visiting her means a lot to her, if you knew you were helping by just doing that it might be easier on you.

LegacyUser

Well I'm glad somone bumped this up, because I had a bad morning yesterday.

I took all of your advice on board and decided to go out for a drink with her on friday night - just the two of us, not in her house, in a pub and I had decided to confront her in a nice manner about the kids.

It went horribly wrong. We had a few drinks and i casually brought up the fact that her youngest was a bit 'wild' (she had been chatting about them herself first - and all about what a difficult day she'd had with them)...she laughed saying 'Yes, he's very wild and cute...'. I brought up the subject of her kids a couple of other times during the course of the night, but she always deflected it by saying that it was 'just the way they are' and that their behaviour 'can only make me laugh, or I'd cry!!'.
I gave up after a while

We went home, and although I was determined to go to my own place, I ended up staying at hers (we were in the city centre, she lives 3 miles away, I live 25miles away, so it was cheaper, and easier).

Yesterday morning, her youngest child was sick..he woke at about 5am vomiting. both of them (my friend and her husband) were due in work yesterday morning...by about 7 (when the poor kid was very ill) neither of them had agreed to bring the child to the doctor or stay at home with him, both arguing that their job was more important than the other. I'd never seen this before. There was no way either of them would agree...at one point my friend said to the 6 yr old 'X, your dad won't bring you the doctor'.....

Anyway, her husband rang his mother and dropped the sick child off at hers at about 8.30am with the instruction that if he got worse, to bring her to a doctor!!!! I was seriously sick to my stomach when I saw this behaviour from both of them..the oldest boy was running amok all over the house when all this was happening yesterday morning. I can't be her friend anymore - I have lost a serious amount of respect for her, having seen that she would battle with her husband over who's job was most important, before either of them would bring their child to a doctor.

OS119

Thaedydal wrote: »

....offering to mind them while she does a parenting course and not talking crap form the kids while you do this and being an adult who is active in thier life and back thier Mother up.

really?

'i noticed that you're a particularly feckless parent - would you like me to teach your feral brats some discipline while you go to a parenting class?'.

sorry Thaed, but do you really think this may in anyway improve the situation - apart from solving the OP's 'i can't stand these kids' problem both instantly and finally...

dan_d

I think the problem extends far beyond "bad parents" here OP. I think your friend and her husband are simply too wrapped up in their own lives and themselves, to take care of their kids properly....and the kids probably realise this, either consciously or subconsciously.. Their behaviour is appalling because they've never been told otherwise, and possibly there's an element of a cry for attention in it aswell.

I'd step well back from that situation OP. There's a problem there with that relationship, aswell as those kids.No matter what you say, the problems sound like they run a bit deeper than "your kids are brats".

I'm sorry I can't give you better advice.Those kids need some serious boundaries drawn for them, but they also need somebody to listen to them, because they're obviously a bit abandoned - a father whose work is more important and a mother who is more concerned about "me-time" than them. I would normally be of the old-fashioned type when it comes to parenting beliefs (mind you, I've none of my own!!)...I believe adults should realise that kids need guidance, boundaries and a lot of love, not a parent who's constantly trying to be their best friend and their equal - but in this case, there's more going on here than appears on the surface. I don't think you can really do anything except try and distance yourself as much as possible, for your own sanity.

Fluorescence

Invite the friend (ALONE) to your home in the future for some girl-time. She gets a break from her kids and you don't have to deal with the cúnts. They're not your problem, so you can't really help her to deal with them, and she probably would discount anything you say being the childless one.

If you want to be her friend, then meet up with her away from the kids.

astra2000

fluorescence wrote: »

Invite the friend (ALONE) to your home in the future for some girl-time. She gets a break from her kids and you don't have to deal with the cúnts. They're not your problem, so you can't really help her to deal with them, and she probably would discount anything you say being the childless one.

If you want to be her friend, then meet up with her away from the kids.

What kind of disguisting person are you to use such a word, and in relation to children, that is shocking. You have really let yourself down there.
Op do the kids a favour and tell your friend how you feel about the way she behaved. Poor kids they sound dysfunctional and no wonder when they are prioritised so poorly by their parents.

Fluorescence

astra2000 wrote: »

What kind of disguisting person are you to use such a word, and in relation to children, that is shocking. You have really let yourself down there.
Op do the kids a favour and tell your friend how you feel about the way she behaved. Poor kids they sound dysfunctional and no wonder when they are prioritised so poorly by their parents.

Some people are cúnts. Children are people, therefore it makes sense that some of them are cúnts too. That just happens to be my curse word of choice, no need to get all uppity about it. I can use whatever words I feel like.

The brats aren't your problem, OP. Your friend will never, ever take parenting advice from you, so your best chance of maintaining a good friendship with her is to meet her away from the children.

LegacyUser

Op here, I have decided to take a step away from her altogether. while inviting her to my place, or meeting her without thd kids would be an option, I think what I saw on saturday morning was enough to turn me off anyone. I think I said earlier that sometimes I actually feel physically sick when I see what's going on...at one point on saturday, I offered to take the little one to the doctor, but she said 'why should you do it? Let his father bring him!' and continued to argue with her husband. The child, as it turns out, has a pretty bad dose of the flu - she rang me last nite going into all the detail of another argument with the husband about who is taking time off work this week - it's her.

I'm not a parent but your comments here have really helped me..sometimes I thought it was the norm in her house and that my ideas of what a parent should be, were over the top.

I have decided not to confront her about it either - there is no way i could 'win' that discussion...as someone else said, it's really none of my business so the best I can do (for my own peace of mind) is to stay away. Thanks.

OS119

Hi OP, having read your post from yesterday, - post #33 - i would suggest you contact Social Services. its very clear that the welfare of these children are waaay down these idiots list of priorities.

say exactly what you've seen, be truthful, be explicit and make sure they know what is fact and what is opinion - these fcukwits shouldn't be left in charge of a bag of chips, let alone a child with a potentially fatal virus.

after that, i'd remove myself completely from any contact with them.

Taltos

unregistered wrote: »

Op here, I have decided to take a step away from her altogether. while inviting her to my place, or meeting her without thd kids would be an option, I think what I saw on saturday morning was enough to turn me off anyone. I think I said earlier that sometimes I actually feel physically sick when I see what's going on...at one point on saturday, I offered to take the little one to the doctor, but she said 'why should you do it? Let his father bring him!' and continued to argue with her husband. The child, as it turns out, has a pretty bad dose of the flu - she rang me last nite going into all the detail of another argument with the husband about who is taking time off work this week - it's her.

I'm not a parent but your comments here have really helped me..sometimes I thought it was the norm in her house and that my ideas of what a parent should be, were over the top.

I have decided not to confront her about it either - there is no way i could 'win' that discussion...as someone else said, it's really none of my business so the best I can do (for my own peace of mind) is to stay away. Thanks.

Um - so what about these forgotten kids?
I think you are right to distance yourself - but while it might be painful why not be honest to your friend as to the why...
I mean the picture you have painted of two neglectful parents - is it a wonder why these kids behave the way they do? I mean they are desperate for attention - any sort of attention... Shortly they will be of an age where they realise that if they can't get it at home they will seek it outside.

While I dislike kids I really hate those folk insisting on being parents who would have been better off being chemically sterilized before they took it upon themselves to ruin others lives their their lack of attention. Not saying they don't care - just they don't care enough or have the ability to prioritize appropriates.

james098

Its never easy bringing kids up but usually its a job we take on therefore should try to do it to the best of our ability btw she (your friend) may be a good friend but she isnt a good person

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

Um - so what about these forgotten kids?
I think you are right to distance yourself - but while it might be painful why not be honest to your friend as to the why...
I mean the picture you have painted of two neglectful parents - is it a wonder why these kids behave the way they do? I mean they are desperate for attention - any sort of attention... Shortly they will be of an age where they realise that if they can't get it at home they will seek it outside.

While I dislike kids I really hate those folk insisting on being parents who would have been better off being chemically sterilized before they took it upon themselves to ruin others lives their their lack of attention. Not saying they don't care - just they don't care enough or have the ability to prioritize appropriates.

I agree that they are desperate for attention, but unfortunately, nothing I can do or say will change my friends and her husbands parenting skills! There are grandparents and aunts and uncles quite involved from both sides - the grandmother often stays over also (my friends mother) - and aunts and uncles would visit regulary. They must see what I see...and I feel it would be their place to say something, if anyone was going to say anything - not mine.

To the person who mentioned Social Services? They would laugh at me. You can't report someone for not caring enough about their children - yes, there's emotional abuse here for sure, but there is no obvious 'neglect' that a social worker would see, on a visit to the house!... No doubt, in years to come, each child will be in couselling....but I can't stop that from happening, short of moving in and raising the children myself.

I continue to be amazed that the school haven't picked up on any of their behaviours yet though - the oldest boy cries most mornings in school and the youngest boys behaviour is appalling to say the least. I thought schools were very good at picking up on children's behaviour and realising it comes from the home.

OS119

Taltos wrote: »

Um - so what about these forgotten kids?
I think you are right to distance yourself - but while it might be painful why not be honest to your friend as to the why...

i agree with your sentiment, but i wonder whether talking to/confronting the mother about why the friendship is over would in anyway contribute to the welfare of the children?

my fear would be that either the mother might take out her resulting anger on the children, or that the warning such a conversation would give her might get her to clean up her act in the short term - while SS were nosing around - and then allow her to fall back into her natural parenting 'methods' once SS were happy, and realisticly once SS are happy that all is ok they'll not be back regardless of how often or loudly the OP complains to them.

sadly my own view is that for any objective where the prime concern is the welfare of the children, the catalyst has to be SS catching these morons in the act. any course of action that avoids that moment occuring is, imv, not going to meet the child welfare objective.

grim, but unfortunately probably true.

Elle Collins

Jesus I hate brats, there's nothing on this earth worse than brats..

OP, you should take the advice offered earlier in the thread - tell your friend straight out that you value your friendship with her but do not want to spend any time around her children as the are appalingly behaved brats.

I found myself in a similar situation to you once upon a time and had to let go of a relationship with an immediate family member over it. Am I sorry? Hell no! Life is too short to be spent tolerating horrible brats.

Elle Collins

Sorry OP have just read your recent post. If you're not interested in maintaining your friendship with the childrens mother that's a clear case of problem solved, and you're better off out of it.

tinkerbell

unregistered wrote: »

I continue to be amazed that the school haven't picked up on any of their behaviours yet though - the oldest boy cries most mornings in school and the youngest boys behaviour is appalling to say the least. I thought schools were very good at picking up on children's behaviour and realising it comes from the home.

You can be sure that the school has picked up their behaviour. A child acting like a lunatic at home would most likely be as bad in school, however the teacher would not tolerate that behaviour probably so they would be better behaved. Also, you have to see that if a teacher got involved in family problems, they would be most likely told where to go. It is not the teacher's job to sort out family troubles. It is the teacher's job to educate.

Personally, I would distance myself from that friend of yours. I have no respect for people with appalling parenting skills, there is no excuse for it. If you bring a child into this world, then you should do your best to look after that child. And I also find it so offensive that she keeps saying to you "oh you have all of this ahead of you". Errr no. Just because she can't control her children, doesn't mean you will be the same as her. And tbh, it sounds like you could look after children a million times better than she ever will.