Have I made a huge mistake in taking on a PhD?

LegacyUser

Hey all looking for your thoughts/advice. Some of you might remember I anonymously posted here a few months back about being offered a PhD. No matter if not, the long and short of it was that I had just finished my Masters and had been offered a funded PhD. This as you can imagine is rare enough given the economic climate and was in my area. After a long think, which included posting my concerns here, I decided to go for it.

Roll forward to this month. I am currently working on my research proposal and am beginning to think I have made a mistake. While the area the PhD is on is similar to my master's topic, I am unsure if I have enough interest/motivation to do this. I ended up having to defer my master's by a year due to depression. I feel I have tackled this since then to an extent and while I have/am receiving treatment for this, I am wary of burning myself out (again), and to be honest I want to ensure I am happy in the future. More importantly if I am baulking at this stage, is it madness to continue?

Obviously withdrawing now, 3 months after the position was advertised and accepted by me, will create a mess, not least because I work in this area with all of the same people part-time on a different project. My funding is due to kick in at the end of the month, and I am due to register soon also. I imagine my supervisor and others will be very angry, and this terrifies me, particularly as all the staff congratulated me, my own family, my gf;s family, all were clapping me on the back. But ... is it worse than withdrawing in 3 months? or 6? Then again I could work on and submit the proposal and just hope that my interest really grows and that it is initial jitters. I read somewhere online that too much is made out of a PhD, and rather than being an impossible task, it is simply a big project. I just feel that perhaps academia is no longer the right choice for me. However, obviously the thought of losing all that money over the next 3 years in a terrible recession concerns me, but I feel this at end of day should not be what decides this for me.

Talk about screwing up a decision, I don't know whether I am staying or going, and this is despite thinking long and hard about it at the time. I'd like to think they'd be understanding if I decided to withdraw, after all it has only been 3 months and I am not yet registered or taking funding (but have committed), but I have a feeling I will be crucified. Still at end of day that's all that can happen to me - getting a good dressing down which would be far harsher if I continued and screwed up the Phd (particularly when it is their money). Obviously I would probably never be employed in that dept. again, which is a concern considering work in my area can be hard to find, but probably a lot of it would be lecturing anyway which I have little interest in.

It is not a question of my results, which have been above and beyond impeccable (modest I know the whole way through from degree to masters, but I guess I just feel like I am in free fall! What do you all think? Is it a case of I made a commitment and I should stick with it come hell or high water, or that I should go on my gut and cater to my needs? I just feel like if I were to withdraw it should be now or never, or else just put it down to jitters and plough on.

Thoughts appreciated, I know only I can decide but I always like to hear others decisions and typing all this out alone has cleared my head a bit anyways.
Thanks folks

UnsureOfWhatTo

Hi, first of all I would like to commend you for following what you thought was your dream and choosing the PhD.

Secondly and ultimately, have you contacted the career's guidance office/counsellor in your college? They will be a huge help and will help you come to terms with the difficulties you are experiencing.

The best thing to do is sit down with the counsellor and discuss the problems.

All the best,

Carl

LegacyUser

talk to your supervisor. they dont want you failing or dropping out further down the line either.

Sarn

It's a difficult decision. As you know, a PhD is likely going to be a commitment for the next four years. Generally people suffer a crisis at the end of their first or second year and decide to opt out by converting it to a MSc. As you already have an MSc it wouldn't be of huge benefit but should lead to some extra publications. Have you discussed the option of enrolling as an MSc with the option of extending it to a PhD? While I know the funding is allocated for three years there are usually ways of reallocating it as unforeseen circumstances do arise. This would give you time to see if you enjoy the work. IMO 3 or 6 months is not enough time to see if you like a PhD. However, if your MSc was in the same area then you should have a very good idea as to what it will be like.

A PhD is a challenging prospect with lots of highs and lows but tends to be an amalgamation of separate pieces albeit with a common thread. It's a case of breaking it down into manageable portions and then stitching them together at the end. Is it something you've always wanted to do? or will you have long term regrets if you don't pursue it?

Ultimately you need to do what is right for you. I don't think people will be as disappointed as you think if you change your mind. You are probably better off discussing your concerns with your supervisor. They may be able to offer you some suggestions and at least if you decide not to take it up then it won't come out of the blue and ease things a bit.

boarddotie

Among all the thoughts that are swirling around in your head at the moment I would remove anything to do with 'what will my family think' or 'it will create such aggro'. That is all rubbish. And even if it does cause aggro, better that then you being miserable for another 4 years.

It is better to bail out now than in 2 years down the line and leave the supervisor and the funders in limbo. If your supervisor is a true academic he/she will totally understand that this and that academia is not for everyone.

The only one thing I would say (and Im sure I said this in your original post a while back) is that you can always mould your project into soemthing you are more interested. I would talk with the supervisor and tell them your concerns. If they REALLY want YOU they should be happy to give you a little free reign to take your research agenda in the direction you want to too.

I personally am in the opposite situ. I directed my whole PhD my way and it was great. Now I am in a Postdoc where nothing is directed by me!! Such a turn around.

I dont see myself lecturing either but do you see yourself doing reserach either in a Uni or a center or for industry? Do you hope that 4 or 5 years down the line you will be responsible for a few other people and directing their agendas, getting grants and possibly your salary is grant dependant. Think down the line if you can.

Do you have another PhD person you can talk to in your Dept? Someone you can voice your fears too confidentially?

Good luck!!!

LegacyUser

OP here - turns out I did make a huge mistake - but I feel feckin brilliant now because I went and spoke to my supervisor who was absolutely understanding about it all. Not only did he allow me to turn it down gracefully, he also offered me another job a few days a week to compliment my existing job. Thanks so much for all your support everyone. Feel certain I have made the right decision, a huge burden has been lifted from me

boarddotie

OP thats great news! I am delighted to hear that even in these tough economic times people like your supervisor still exist and are loyal to you for obviously being a great worker and highly competent. Who knows what the future holds! G
Good luck