Cry for help

LegacyUser

I don't know if the title is very helpful, but it's accurate.

My father died suddenly a year ago, and I was very close to him and his passing affected me more than I first realised.
Whenever I thought of him I've had major guilt at not being there for him when he was dying (as I live/work away from my parents house).
I well up with tears simply thinking about him now.
My mam lives alone now and the recent snow has put her age/ability into focus more.
She still drives, but not in snow/ice and so she is dependent on neighbours.

On top of all this is my marriage...
We've no kids and may not have any, but the guilt is there on her part. I'm unhappy about the scenario but I've come to reluctantly accept that we may never have any.
We've had blazing arguments over the past few years but then things are fine, even great again, until something else tips the scales again.
She drinks (way more than she can handle on occasion and turns into Mr Hyde) frequently and to excess at times and has physically assaulted me on more than one occasion (kicks/scrapes, that kind of thing). I've never hit her, but in truth, I have given her bruises from holding her at bay as she can be very 'wild' in those situations.
She's broken glasses,cups, bottles in these tantrums also.
She rarely remembers the majority of what happened in these times but infallibly blames me. I am always the one at fault in her mind.
I'm no angel but I have never started anything. I prefer to sit quietly and watch TV in another room if I see her turning like this.
On occasion I've poured the drink away in an effort to curb the severity.
If I go surf in another room she'll come in and have a go at me. If I say anything at that stage, I'm basically fuelling the fire.
Recently it turned worse when she was drinking a load of wine and OD'd on panadol and was taken to A&E.
During the obligatory Psychiatrist interview, she basically told him a bunch of sh1t, but I do believe that she realises how stupid her actions were.
The constantly says I'm no good, have never done anything for her etc, and that I constantly let her down and don't support her enough.
She left me on my own over New Years Eve to go be with her parents and blamed me for making her go as she 'couldn't deal with this'.
The guilt trip is repetitive. The emotional blackmail is wearisome.

I'm struggling to cope with both of these things in tandem.
I'm convinced she'd depressed or maybe Bi-Polar, but to be honest, I'm now at the stage where she's dragging me down to her level and I am now depressed.
I am ready to cry when I read/see/hear anything slightly pulling on the heart strings and I used to be so detached/cynical/unaffected by things like that.
I do not know what to do.
I know I need to get myself sorted but I feel responsible for her too as we've been together 8 years and I'm old-fashioned on that score (although, admittedly, less and less so of late).
I don't want to seperate as it will seem like a failure on my part, and upset my mum and disappoint my dad.
There are tears in my eyes as I type this. 2011 can't be any worse than 2010.
Please, any suggestions as to what I can do ?

chicken fingers

You need to go to couples counselling together.
If that doesn´t work out its better to do what has to be done than staying put so that you dont "seem" like a failure to your parents. This is about you and your wife, not your folks.

If you stay in an unhappy marriage its more of a failure than if you separate for both your sakes.

LostinKildare

doubleorquits wrote: »

I don't know if the title is very helpful, but it's accurate.

My father died suddenly a year ago, and I was very close to him and his passing affected me more than I first realised.
Whenever I thought of him I've had major guilt at not being there for him when he was dying (as I live/work away from my parents house).
I well up with tears simply thinking about him now.
My mam lives alone now and the recent snow has put her age/ability into focus more.
She still drives, but not in snow/ice and so she is dependent on neighbours.

On top of all this is my marriage...
We've no kids and may not have any, but the guilt is there on her part. I'm unhappy about the scenario but I've come to reluctantly accept that we may never have any.
We've had blazing arguments over the past few years but then things are fine, even great again, until something else tips the scales again.
She drinks (way more than she can handle on occasion and turns into Mr Hyde) frequently and to excess at times and has physically assaulted me on more than one occasion (kicks/scrapes, that kind of thing). I've never hit her, but in truth, I have given her bruises from holding her at bay as she can be very 'wild' in those situations.
She's broken glasses,cups, bottles in these tantrums also.
She rarely remembers the majority of what happened in these times but infallibly blames me. I am always the one at fault in her mind.
I'm no angel but I have never started anything. I prefer to sit quietly and watch TV in another room if I see her turning like this.
On occasion I've poured the drink away in an effort to curb the severity.
If I go surf in another room she'll come in and have a go at me. If I say anything at that stage, I'm basically fuelling the fire.
Recently it turned worse when she was drinking a load of wine and OD'd on panadol and was taken to A&E.
During the obligatory Psychiatrist interview, she basically told him a bunch of sh1t, but I do believe that she realises how stupid her actions were.
The constantly says I'm no good, have never done anything for her etc, and that I constantly let her down and don't support her enough.
She left me on my own over New Years Eve to go be with her parents and blamed me for making her go as she 'couldn't deal with this'.
The guilt trip is repetitive. The emotional blackmail is wearisome.

I'm struggling to cope with both of these things in tandem.
I'm convinced she'd depressed or maybe Bi-Polar, but to be honest, I'm now at the stage where she's dragging me down to her level and I am now depressed.
I am ready to cry when I read/see/hear anything slightly pulling on the heart strings and I used to be so detached/cynical/unaffected by things like that.
I do not know what to do.
I know I need to get myself sorted but I feel responsible for her too as we've been together 8 years and I'm old-fashioned on that score (although, admittedly, less and less so of late).
I don't want to seperate as it will seem like a failure on my part, and upset my mum and disappoint my dad.
There are tears in my eyes as I type this. 2011 can't be any worse than 2010.
Please, any suggestions as to what I can do ?

Hi doubleorquits

You sound a lot like me. Feeling guilty over not being there when my adored dad died? Check. Feeling responsible for an alcoholic out-of-control and possibly mentally ill spouse? Check. Considering sacrificing your desire for children because of your out-of-control spouse? Check. Thinking that leaving your spouse will devastate your parents? Check.

First, about your dad, many people feel guilty if they weren't there when a loved one dies. It seems so common that I wonder if it's a normal stage of grieving. But if you were close to him then you know that he was well aware that you loved him. No doubt you were one of the greatest joys of his life (and vice versa). Not being there at his last moments doesn't change that. "If only I had been there . . ." If only, then what? You would have told him you loved him? He knew.

About your wife. I was married to an alcoholic for seven years. There are some differences -- he never physically attacked me and he never ODed (though he certainly threatened suicide enough times) -- but it's basically the same. He was a drowning man, I swam out to save him and he was pulling me under with him. But I had committed to him (and I had loved him once), and didn't want to let down my parents, so for a long time I just accepted it as my lot in life.

What finally propelled me out was my desire to have a child -- I wanted a family but knew I couldn't do it with him. More broadly, I think I realised I wanted to have a happy life, and knew I couldn't do it with him.

I went to counselling and learned some things that might be helpful to you:
You haven't fixed your wife in eight years because you can't. She needs professional help, and that requires her own volition.
She might sort herself out or she might not, but sacrificing your life and happiness for her won't help her one bit.

I worked up the strength and left the marriage. As it turned out, my parents hadn't wanted me to lead a miserable, loveless and childless life out of a misguided sense of loyalty and a rather ridiculous notion of upsetting them! No, they wanted me to be strong, secure, and happy! Imagine that!

OP, live a happy life. Isn't that what your dad would want for you? Isn't that what your mother wants for you?

LegacyUser

Thanks lostinkildare,

that post strikes a lot of chords with me.

I'm in the scenario where I don't think I love her any more, as terrible as that is to say!

I've spent the last few years worrying about this woman (unable to have kids, depressed about that, afraid to have medical investigation, bad periods, painful ovulation, stress at work, drinking too much etc.) and I didn't know what to say, but I was there for her with a smile and a 'it'll be ok' attitude (maybe I was facilitating her?). All the time it was secretly wearing me down. Even I didn't notice.

If the fertility thing was brought up (by her generally, as it's a sore point) I'd mention what I thought was a good idea (medical investigation/operation, fertility treatment and was the cause of an argument as "It's easy for me 'cos I don't have to go through it").
I then stopped mentioning it until she did first...but of course, that resulted in "you never mention it". I couldn't win.
I'm thinking that while she wants kids, she doesn't want the medical treatment that 'may' make that happen.
We talked about adoption and I got police clearance from when I lived abroad and the medical tests but she did nothing, instead blaming our financial situation (it costs about 20k to adopt, which we could easily get from family inheritance) for her inertia.

I understand that to have taken the OD was a cry for help as the thread suggests, but it also seems to be a kind of pointed reference, as in, 'you forced me into this, because you're so sh1t, I'm depressed and you didn't look after me'
Maybe this is true, but I'm no counsellor. I can't talk to her without being blamed (which I do not accept), and if she needs help she knows that and should seek professional help (which I've tentatively suggested) herself and I'll be behind her. She did have counselling 3 years ago about childhood issues which she is very quick to reiterate (I've been to counselling, you've never been, maybe you should've gone).

She left me on my own for NYE to stay with her parents as she 'couldn't cope'. We were fine until the day before when buying food for her family to have NYE with us, she got into a strop with my 'it'll be grand' attitude when she was worrying about not having gotten anything earlier.

4 days after the OD was my dads anniversary, which for my own reasons I needed to be there for the actual date, and not just the mass(as I'm not a practising christian) but she couldn't go for 4 days to my home place. 3 days, yes, but not 4, and was basically making an ultimatum for me, "stay here with me and we'll go down the day after the anniversary" which I couldn't accept. That may sound harsh on my part, but I needed to be there and in my mind she had no right to make me choose between staying with her and visiting my dads grave on his anniversary. I wanted her with me but she "couldn't handle" being there for 4 days. I went anyway as she refused to come when I was going. I was then accused of 'abandoning' her on her own and the blame game started again.

None of this sounds like the words of someone who loves me

The booze. Since the OD, she won't even take a lemsip for a cold she's had. She's stopped drinking. I haven't. Had a few beers one night and bottle of wine tonight while working at home. I got grief about that "nice to see you so supportive of me".

I was a happy-go-lucky guy when we got married but 4 years of being told that "I wish we never met, I want a separation, you're useless, you do nothing for me", etc, has taken its toll.

I'm tired, depressed and out of love, patience, and energy.

I 'did' love her, but to be honest....now I'm not so sure. I don't think so. I need someone who won't blame me for everything that's wrong in their life, especially when it's not all my doing !

Is it wrong to want out of this ?
Am I a horrible person?
Do I deserve this kind of future because all I can see is more escalation of this?
My mum is elderly and alone. What happens if something bad happens to her and I'm needed there. Will I be abandoning her again for my 'real family' ?

Jeez I can't believe this is happening to me. What is the point of being this unhappy ?

LostinKildare

doubleorquits wrote: »

I've spent the last few years worrying about this woman (unable to have kids, depressed about that, afraid to have medical investigation, bad periods, painful ovulation, stress at work, drinking too much etc.) and I didn't know what to say, but I was there for her with a smile and a 'it'll be ok' attitude (maybe I was facilitating her?). All the time it was secretly wearing me down. Even I didn't notice.

If the fertility thing was brought up (by her generally, as it's a sore point) I'd mention what I thought was a good idea (medical investigation/operation, fertility treatment and was the cause of an argument as "It's easy for me 'cos I don't have to go through it").
I then stopped mentioning it until she did first...but of course, that resulted in "you never mention it". I couldn't win.
I'm thinking that while she wants kids, she doesn't want the medical treatment that 'may' make that happen.
We talked about adoption and I got police clearance from when I lived abroad and the medical tests but she did nothing, instead blaming our financial situation (it costs about 20k to adopt, which we could easily get from family inheritance) for her inertia.

The prospect of infertility can be devastating, and her unwillingness to either medically investigate it (which might confirm infertility) or embrace adoption (which might symbolically "confirm" it) is a bad sign. For some people it is a terrible blow to their ego, and the fear of that can paralyse them. Maybe that is what's happened to her. It sounds like she needs the help of a good professional counselor, but again, you can't make her go.

BTW If you were to go down the route of fertility testing/treatment, you too would be under the microscope (so to speak). Although the testing is much more invasive (in every way) for the woman, the man has to provide semen for analysis, and he too risks learning that he is the one that is infertile. The testing and treatment is very stressful, straining even the strongest, most loving and supportive marriages, and I can't believe yours would survive it. But more importantly, if you don't think you love her anymore, don't bring a child into it.

doubleorquits wrote: »

I understand that to have taken the OD was a cry for help as the thread suggests, but it also seems to be a kind of pointed reference, as in, 'you forced me into this, because you're so sh1t, I'm depressed and you didn't look after me'

Maybe this is true, but I'm no counsellor. I can't talk to her without being blamed (which I do not accept), and if she needs help she knows that and should seek professional help (which I've tentatively suggested) herself and I'll be behind her. She did have counselling 3 years ago about childhood issues which she is very quick to reiterate (I've been to counselling, you've never been, maybe you should've gone).

She left me on my own for NYE to stay with her parents as she 'couldn't cope'. We were fine until the day before when buying food for her family to have NYE with us, she got into a strop with my 'it'll be grand' attitude when she was worrying about not having gotten anything earlier.

That's interesting --- I thought the "cry for help" in the title was on your own behalf, not a reference to her OD (paging Dr. Freud . . . ). Honestly, you could do with some help yourself. Infertility, marriage breakdown, death of your father, assuming responsibility for your mother . . . . "It'll be grand" isn't too bad as coping mechanisms go, but you can do better.

Would she agree to couples counseling? TBH I don't think the marriage can be saved, but counseling might help bring you both to the conclusion that you should go your separate ways, and then facilitate ending it in a way that's as gentle as possible for you both.

And you might consider going to counseling yourself. You say you don't accept blame from her, but from reading your posts, it sounds like you do. You feel that her OD is an accusation that "you didn't look after me" and you entertain the possibility that that might be justified ("maybe this is true"). You question whether you've hurt her with your essentially positive "it'll be okay" attitude ("maybe I was facilitating her?"). You question whether even a very serious, once-off need -- to grieve your father on his anniversary -- is as important as her huge, non-stop needs ("that may sound harsh on my part"). You go so far as to ask if you're a bad person for despairing of the situation:

doubleorquits wrote: »

Is it wrong to want out of this ?
Am I a horrible person?
Do I deserve this kind of future

Toss in guilt for being absent when your father died, and guilt over your mother being alone, and whew, everything's your fault! Sounds like you've been battered by circumstance and by your wife's desperate unhappiness, and you've turned it into self-recrimination. If so, you need to unwind that if you're to make the best decisions about your future.

Good luck.

Cheap Thrills!

OP, you're not duty-bound or obliged to love this horrible, selfish woman.

She complains of bad periods/painful ovulation and infertiliy and yet she was drinking like a fish.

Hello?

Alcohol has a terrible effect on fertility.

Anyway, I think she is a selfish and manipulative woman. I think you should leave her.

Life is too short to waste on people like this.

johnr1

OP, I may regret not unregistering for this reply, but I think it might make you take it a bit more seriously.
Your marriage sounds like almost a carbon copy of mine which WE both (thank God) decided to end about three years ago. At the time I would have felt like you, not wanting to be the one to call time, hoping against hope that something could be done, feeling a failure etc.
It was the start of getting a life back for me, and I think for her as well, - while everything isnt wonderful for her, she appears happier now.
For your own sanity's sake, GET OUT NOW. Dont waste another day of your precious life (or hers) making each other miserable.
She cant help herself while you're around to blame, and you cant help her.

There will be a new talking point down the local after one week, people you least expect it will come up to you and say "good on you for having the honesty to end it." There may also be some negativity from small minded people, but in my exp it was easy to dismiss. They weren't there.

It took a serious suicide attempt by my wife make us see the reality, and I shudder now when I think that her one precious life could have been over and mine destroyed with guilt forever if it had succeeded.
Dont be responsible for something like that happening as a result of inaction.
Best of luck. -oh and get a good lawyer, - unfortunately I didnt take that advice either.

Nevyn

doubleorquits you are in an abusive relationship with someone who abuses alcohol.
You may love them but they put the drink before you. Get yourself some help and support,
tell friends and family what is going on. See if there is an al anon meeting near you.
http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/

Go talk to your gp about the impact all of this stress is having on you and your health.
Get help and support so you can start changing your life so it is better.