BF's nnapropriate pics/vids/messages

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I have been living together for just under a year now. A few months ago I found messages, videos, pictures, etc. that were inappropriate from some girls. He swears nothing else as happened and admits it was wrong. My problem is that it has made me feel very insecure about any contact with any girls. I have tried to get over this... but he has ex-gf's getting in contact with him. Even though he says there is nothing going on... Its hard to forget about the past and fully trust him. What can I do to make this work? I dont want to just give up but its leading to arguements, less communication, etc. I need help fixing my insecurites... and communicating better to him about my issues.

Ickle Magoo

Hi there,

Given you your own thread rather than dragging up someone else's from last year. That way you can hopefully get lots of advice pertinent to your own issue.

Best of luck :cool:

MrMojoRising

Its all about trust OP. Do you trust him?

Don't mix up trust with feelings of jealousy. They're perfectly natural.

If, at the end of the day, you do trust him, then just learn to get on with it.

If you don't want him in contact with ex's, then tell him that, but in a non confrontational way - just that it makes you feel uncomfortable.

If he has a bad reaction to that, then maybe there is something to worry about, but sure, cross each bridge when you get to it. Post back here on how you get on. Good luck!

FoxT

I don't think you are insecure. I think you are on the cusp of making some major life decisions (Marriage, children, etc) and you have found something real that is undermining the trust & safety that you need to be able to make these decisions.

I got married in 1988. Looking back, I think that both my wife & myself had expectations that each of us would change for the 'better' over time. Of course , that has not happened.

My point is - based on my own experience, people do not change. Is this something you can live with?

whatsamsn

So you've been living together for 1 year?
Which means you've been dating for quite a while I image pre-moving in right?

So these pics / vids etc are from girls while he was with you?

Major. Red. Flag.

Josh_Calvert

sounds like you rushed in with the first guy who gave you a bit of attention...those guys tend to be a little predatory.

you may be insecure generally but you're absolutely right to be worried about these pictures and messages....theres a difference between personal insecurity and insecurity in a relationship that's on rocky ground...

dunbar

The first most unhealthy thing i noticed there was that, you found messages,vids and pics, which means you were going through his private stuff,laptop or phone. Myself and my GF have boundaries with each other with regard to private stuff, and out of respect and trust we dont feel the need to keep an eye on it. This screams to me that u didnt trust him in the first place.

Wagon

dunbar wrote: »

The first most unhealthy thing i noticed there was that, you found messages,vids and pics, which means you were going through his private stuff,laptop or phone. Myself and my GF have boundaries with each other with regard to private stuff, and out of respect and trust we dont feel the need to keep an eye on it. This screams to me that u didnt trust him in the first place.

she hasn't specified where she found the pictures. Could have been his facebook, which isn't exactly private.

need more info.

Chinafoot

dunbar wrote: »

The first most unhealthy thing i noticed there was that, you found messages,vids and pics, which means you were going through his private stuff,laptop or phone. Myself and my GF have boundaries with each other with regard to private stuff, and out of respect and trust we dont feel the need to keep an eye on it. This screams to me that u didnt trust him in the first place.

Personally I think having inappropriate pictures, messages and videos from other girls while in a relationship is ever so slightly more "unhealthy" than her finding them. Like Wagon said, we need more info. However, it would appear that the OP was justified in whatever mistrust she had for her boyfriend. I hate seeing threads like this descend into the virtual finger wagging of "oooh you shouldn't have looked in the first place".

OP, if it were me I think I would have been gone as soon as I found those pictures etc. However, if you want this relationship to work then maybe you should give some consideration to couples counselling, assuming he'd be open to it of course. You need to decide whether or not you can truly let go of what happened. Your mistrust is justified given his past behaviour, however you made a decision to stay in that relationship and its not fair on either of you to continue the relationship if there is such mistrust between you.

Peanut2011

dunbar wrote: »

The first most unhealthy thing i noticed there was that, you found messages,vids and pics, which means you were going through his private stuff,laptop or phone. Myself and my GF have boundaries with each other with regard to private stuff, and out of respect and trust we dont feel the need to keep an eye on it. This screams to me that u didnt trust him in the first place.

Why do you feel the need to have those boundaries?? I never have anything private from my girlfriend!

I guess if I just started dating and was not considering it serious I might have but not after we move in together. That basically means there are things you wish to hide.

Ickle Magoo

Peanut2011, why other posters do something is completely off-topic and irrelevant to the OP.

Please keep all replies on topic and helpful to the OP.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter and abide by them.

Many thanks.

Motley Crue

I'd ask him to delete the photo's personally