Pregnant. Help?

LegacyUser

I'm a 20 year old student and I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant from a one-night-stand I don't have any way of contacting. We did use protection but...yeah.

I have no idea what to do. I'm on a study abroad year so I could get an abortion easy enough and it was the first thing I thought of but I'm nit entirely sure I could go through with it.

I have no problem dropping out of college (I've been considering it anyway as I'm more than likely going to fail this year) but I have no skills and very little experience, there is no way I'm going to get a job. If I stayed on in the country I'm in I could teach english classes and nanny but my lack of qualifications would mean pretty measly pay.

I had considered adoption but I'd be terrified I'd never get to have another child and I'd be jelous of the family out there that kept mine. And it would be so hard.

I've never had a boyfriend either and (I know this such a stupid thing to worry about at a time like this) if I have a child I'm not going to have one for a long time either.

But in a way I really want the child...but for really selfious reasons; I would have an excuse to drop put, my life would have a purpose, there would be somebody who loves me and needs me.

I have no idea what to do. I suffered from mild depression but in the last month or so I've turned a corner with it and realised that I've got to stop the harmful behaviour like ons, and I have done...too little too late I guess.

I don't know what I'm looking for...advice? Suggestions? Anybody who's been in a similar situation?

Fittle

Go out and buy yourself a pregnancy test OP.

That's the first thing you need to do. All of the rest of it can be thought about if you are pregnant. Find out if you are first.

It's pointless me giving you agencies to contact, or advising that you talk to someone about this, until you know that your're pregnant.

So go to the chemist today and buy a test.

LegacyUser

Sorry I should have mentioned that. I've done a test and it was positive. I know I have to go to the doctor and I'll get round to that next week when I get home.

Neyite

Its pretty rare to get a false positive on a pregnancy test. It measures the level of HSG hormone in your urine- which only occurs during pregnancy, so usually, however faint the line is, a line is a line, meaning that the GP will do the same test to confirm your pregnancy.

I personally would be pro-choice, and I think its important to declare this to you - a lot of advise given by people with regard to a crisis pregnancy can reflect their personal views on termination.

However - you still have plenty of time to make your mind up fully- why not take a couple of weeks to think about all your options. go to an impartial advice centre and talk it through.

And dont necessarily assume that if you do decide to have a child you wont have a boyfriend or a career or do things - you can and will, the only one who will stop you is yourself. 4 years time, if a child is in school, there is no reason why you cant return to college as a mature student if you wish.

fungun

Ignore people who try to persuade you based on their views of termination so be sure to make your own choice.
But I think the reasons you outline in your quote below are not good reasons. I think having a child to use as an escape from lifes problems is not a good idea.
Do you have a good friend you trust that you could talk this through with?

ohmeohmy wrote: »

But in a way I really want the child...but for really selfious reasons; I would have an excuse to drop put, my life would have a purpose, there would be somebody who loves me and needs me.

LegacyUser

QUOTE: "But in a way I really want the child...but for really selfious reasons; I would have an excuse to drop put, my life would have a purpose, there would be somebody who loves me and needs me. "


Well I suppose at least you acknowledge they are selfish reasons, a lot of people don't.
I don't think it's fair to bring a child into the world who has already been given a purpose/"job to do" before they are even born.
Basically you are placing all this pressure on the baby that "you're job is to make me happy, and help me sort my life out", it's like the way some people with each other have a baby "to save the relationship".
If things don't work out exactly as you imagined, you could end up resenting the child for something that is not their fault.

You need to think really long and hard about all your options, and if you decide you want to rear the baby, make sure you are doing it for the right reasons.
Also you wouldn't have to leave college just cos you have a baby. There are plenty of mothers still in education. You could take a break and decide on a course that you really do like and wish to pursue.

A cute little baby is not going to solve all your problems. You are going to need to address the other issues too, such as your college if you wish to continue that kind of route, and also get to the bottom of what was causing you to engage in that harmful behavior that you mentioned[I don't know what that behavior involved]

You should talk to someone close to you or someone with experience because you come across as very unhappy.
I hope this somehow all works out in the best possible way for,
and I wish you happiness and guidance.

Chicago Chick

To be honest you need to sit down and think long and hard about what is best for you and what would be best for this child. I am not doubting that you could be a good mother but any parent on here will tell you that children/a child is very hard work and being a parent is a selfless job so it is important to take that into account when making your decision. Don't get me wrong it is a very rewarding job and worth all when your child smiles at you or hugs you but you need to decide are you ready for the responsibility that comes with that too.

I really think you should talk to someone you trust who could keep an open mind if that is at all possible as at the end of the day nobody else can decide what is best for you. Good luck with it all.

LegacyUser

Op here.

Thanks for the replies. I was afraid they were going to be horrible.

I'm really not as sad I come across, I'm just a bit overwhelmed at the moment what with being home for the holidays, preparing to go back, exams coming up, essays...and now this.

I'm so lost. I can't believe this happened to me. I'm not even 100% sure who the father is. I used to be the quiet boring girl. Is is wrong that I want to blame anybody else but myself for this? How can I make a decision like this? Either way my life has been changed forever.

I do have people to talk to but they all have their own agendas, I know they'd want whats best for me but just their way. In fact I'm sure a few of my "friends" (and probably some family) will disown me if they find out, no matter what I choose.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Sounds like you want to keep it and I think you'll regret it if you don't. And I'm pro-abortion myself.

Having a baby doesn't mean you can't go to college. There's lots of options and benefits for single mothers.

Also the father has a right to know. Even if there's only a possibility they're the father.

LegacyUser

ohmeohmy wrote: »

I had considered adoption but I'd be terrified I'd never get to have another child and I'd be jelous of the family out there that kept mine. And it would be so hard.

This.

You seem to want the child. You seem to already view this baby as your child. My instinct is saying you should keep it.


Just so you know where by bias is: I'm pro-choice, with the caveat that it needs to be the best choice for that person at that stage in their life. To me that means that the person is sufficiently mature that they're not going to be permanently hurt and damaged by terminating. Same goes for adoption.


Your family will probably be more supportive than you imagine. Right now though, you need to confide in someone who knows YOU. Not someone anonymous on the end of a phoneline or on the internet - your family and friends know you better and your family especially know exactly what supports are available to you if you want to raise the child.

Can you talk to your mum? Your family might be upset and worried at first. They might be shocked so give them time to process. If they're upset, it's quite possible that they're upset for you because they'll see this impacting on what path your life takes and closing off some doors to you (or at least temporarily) and imposing responsibility on you before maybe you're ready for it or otherwise would have had said responsibility. That doesn't mean they'll reject you or the child. Parents just want to protect you.

Difficult as it may be, you need to talk to someone.

LegacyUser

I don't think you should decide to have this baby as an excuse to drop out of college.

I had an abortion as a teenager. At the time, a lot of people were saying that if you had one, you'd regret it for the rest of your life and be miserable etc. etc. This was not the case for me. It was the best decision I could make at the time and have not regretted it for even one minute of any day. Sometimes I stop and wonder what my life would have been like if I had the child - they would be about 20 now, but with a "I'm so glad I didn't" reaction. I must stress though that I had no emotional connection at all to the foetus. I was also quite ill with the pregnancy.

I'm not saying you should get an abortion, it's up to you to consider all of your options and make the choice that feels best for you. I just wanted to share my experience with you and may allay some of the fears you may have (I don't know if people who have no experience of abortions still try to scare people out of it, but they certainly did in the early 90s).

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

Up de Barrs

Hi OP, I would make an appointment with the counselling service at your college straightaway. They will be very supportive and understanding and ask the kind of questions that will help you make the best decision for yourself. They have seen your situation many times before and will be able to give you plenty of support. Its always a comfort to know your situation is not unique. You have time to think everything over. Best of luck, everything will work out fine.

gossipgal08

OP what ever you decide to do Abortion/Adoption/Motherhood you will have to live with the decision and therefore it is not one you should rush in to. There are advice centers for unplanned pregnancys and you GP can help you there. You dont say how far gone you are, take as long as you can to make you decision. You really need to talk to your parents about this, its what they're there for and most parents want what is best for their child.

cagefactor

I thought condoms were like 99.999%. Did it brake or something ?

LegacyUser

I was sort of in your position I was travelling abroad for a year when I fell pregnant. I was offered an abortion by the doc I went to see to confirm it. I was only 5 weeks so a simple pill and and injection she said. I have all my life been pro- choice everyone has the right to choose what is best for them.

I didn't even consider it I now have the most amazing child in the world and I do my best for him everyday to be a good mother. I was a very selfish person but having a child makes you understand that it's not about you any more. I made the right decision for me, and I do not regret it for one second.

You worry about having the child for selfish reasons but the fact that you even consider this is a good thing! many women get pregnant for selfish reasons desire to keep a man/ be loved ect but don't realsise it. Also getting rid of it as it doesn't suit your life right now can also be considered selfish.

You must do what you think is right for you.

Having a baby is hard I won't lie I am working but i do not have much money or support but for me it's worth it and I'm happy.

Peanut2011

OP, unfortunately anyone here can tell you what ever they feel will help and I'm sure some have gone trough what you are going trough, however what ever decision you make it will decide how your life goes on from here.

I would suggest have a chat with unplanned pregnancy agencies go to a few meetings they have, that way you will have a lot more details about what it all means.

I believe everyone should have a choice to terminate or to keep it but they need to be informed as to what each of those decisions means for them.

It sounds to me that you have a lot more issues to deal with than just the pregnancy therefore I would strongly suggest you speak to healthcare professionals. After all they have probably seen this every day of their profesional lives.

What ever decision you make I really hope it all works out for you. Best of luck with it all, it must be really though.

Wagon

First thing is to talk to a counsellor when you get home. Or a doctor. Anyone who might know a thing or two to do in these situations.

Next, think very carefully what you want to do next. Nobody here can tell you what you should do. Moral objections, personal opinions etc... get in the way. Only person who can make the right decision is you. It's your business completely.

As for the father, whoever he is, he is gone. A one night stand probably won't result in him coming back to help you. Sorry to say it, but that's the nature of it sometimes

spinandscribble

you're treating this baby as an excuse to solve all your problems. A baby isn't a band aid. They come with joy and problems, like everything in life. If you go through with this baby with the hope it'll solve your loneliness and pathlessness you're very mistaken.

Motley Crue

cagefactor wrote: »

I thought condoms were like 99.999%. Did it brake or something ?

That's got nothing to do with it

OP, I think you need to contact the father, if you can't then you need to make a tough decision. I can't advise you either way but you need to decide whether you are able to keep this baby, and give it the love and care any child deserves and needs, and that also means not looking at yourself 10 years down the road and blaming the child for everything that has gone wrong in your life.

Some people see children as a scape goat, most see children as the miracle they are intended to be, but there is a tough choice because motherhood and fatherhood are not cut out for everyone at certain times in their lives.

Also, consider adoption to abortion if you would rather not raise the child, since the child will go to a loving family who will raise him\her will love, care and attention they need.

Jenneke87

Hi there,

Just like you I was pregnant from a one night stand at the age of 20. I was in complete shock when I found out. I didn't knew whether to be sad or happy when I saw that pink line on the pregnancy test...

First of all you need to talk to someone, preferably someone who can give you an objective view on your situation. As your hormones are all over the place, it will be hard to view this situation rationally instead of emotionally(and there's nothing wrong with that btw) Make a list of all the pro's and cons of continueing or terminating the pregnancy. How will you cope if you keep the baby, do you have friends and family that can help you out? If you decide for an abortion, can you mentally cope with your decision(as it is irreversible and stays with you forever) How do you envision the rest of your life? What are your aspirations, hopes and dreams and could you give them up for a baby or put them on hold?

If your child asked you 20 years from now:"Mum why did you keep me?" you'll have to come up with a better answer than"I wanted to get out of college" A child at least deserves to be wanted and if you keep it for the wrong reasons, you may/will end up resenting the child(and every mother has known that feeling at least one time, never mind those who struggled with an unplanned pregnancy)

I know how you feel right now and I know how tough it is to make a decision. I wish you a lot of strenght and wisdom.

Take care,

Jen

Whispered

OP I have nothing more to ad to the above posts, but I wanted to wish you the very best of luck.