I still miss her after 10 months

LegacyUser

I'll try not to ramble guys...

Late 2006, I met her, I was 19, she was a year younger. Best friends (I mean text ALL the time, inseperable, tell each other everything) from then until August 2008 when I decided I wanted to be with her... We got together.

I had a health scare in Oct 09 and had to move back to the UK, we stayed together and despite the distance were getting on better than ever, we were both over and back every few weeks and once I got the all clear I planned on moving back home to Ireland.

I got my all clear in Feb 10, but I'd started having other problems related to the worry of the previous health scare (finding a lump). I started having panic attacks and extremely bad anxiety, my doc says it was almost certainly caused by the worry of the lump and I just couldnt shake it. For whatever reason, actually being diagnosed with a, I suppose, mental illness absolutely floored me, my doc wanted me to go on anti-depressants but I flat-out refused.

One of my symptoms was being being unable to leave the house, which ruled out moving back to Ireland anytime soon. I knew how much she wanted me to come back, we were missing each other really bad but I knew I just couldn't. I couldn't tell her also, I guess I was too ashamed of having a mental illness, cause I'd always been a fit, healthy, popular, confident guy. And I was also scared of disappointing her by not being able to come home.

Not only that, but she was constantly talking about 'when you get back...' kinda stuff, and it was all getting on top of me. I broke up with her, this is March by now. Gave her no real reason other than I need a bit of space for a wee while. I know it was an awful thing to do, but I just couldn't tell her the real reason, I hadn't come to terms with it myself yet.

She kept texting and ringing for a few weeks after, and I was very short with her. Not nasty, just not giving her a real reason, even writing this I feel so awful for treating someone I was so incredibly close to like that. A couple of weeks later she drunkenly sent a cheeky text and I sent one back calling her an awful name. And that was the end of that really, we went from texting every day for 3 n a half years (yeah, seriously, EVERY day) to nothing. I went off the rails a bit, not coming to terms with my anxiety problem, drinking was the only way I could leave the house and being in another country helped forget a bout her a wee bit, but she was always on my mind. Thought about her every night.

Eventually, around August, my condition got so bad I went back to the doctor and started trying medication, I resisted trying the anti-depressants until it was the only option. I started them late October and I'm ecstatic to say, they worked wonders, I feel absolutely fantastic and right back to being myself again, just like I was before I found the lump. I come off them now soon, and my doctor says I should be completely free of it.

So back to her, I was recently back in Ireland and (this is 9 months since we spoke) was kinda in contact with her and explained a wee bit about the situation and that basically, I'm still crazy about her. But she's having none of it, it got to the point where I was annoying her so I've left it now. When I told her how I felt she just said' you shoulda thought about that last March' and she's told me how much I hurt her and about what I'd put her through and that she basically doesn't have any time for me atall now. Which I can't blame her for obviously, I wouldn't give me another chance either. She just doesn't believe that I've changed and I'm a far better person now.

Guys, thanks for reading this, I know its a long story so I appreciate it if you're still with me:) I don't need to be told it's over, I know that now. It hurts like hell but that's life eh? I guess I dunno what I'm looking for here, advice maybe? How to get over someone that was the most important person in my life for so long? It concentrated on getting better for so long that it's only sinking in now.

I know how important I was to her too, which makes it far worse, I really, really let her down, she needed me and I ditched her.

Any feedback on the situation anyone? And thanks again for reading

merlie

It's hurting because you are feeling guilty because of what happened. At the start of your thread, you said that you would tell each other everything, but that is not the case with you. If you loved her and wanted to be with her, you would have told her about what happened to you but you didn't and you shut her out completely.

She was hurt badly by you and is it any wonder how she reacted to you. It is most likely as well that what ever you said the last time you spoke, she probably didn't believe you, as if you were making up some excuse to get back with her. Being with someone is about being open and honest. Their is no shame in having a mental illness. You should have stomped on your pride and opened up to her about it. You could have given her the benefit of the doubt and let her make whatever decision she wanted.

There is no easy way passed this. You will have to move on. Living in the past is not going to do you any good. You have burned your bridges and it is unlikely she will see you again, as the trust has gone. Go out with friends, take up a new hobby, meet new people. It's not going to be easy by no means but things will get better but you need to move on.

Best of luck to you

whatsamsn

merlie suggests you feel guilty. I would have to agree.

You know its over so sadly you cant do much but move on. For what its worth everyone has regrets and feels guilty about something they did at certain points in their lives. You just learn to deal with it or usually what happens as time goes by ... you accept or forget.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the feedback guys.

Move on is what everyone says, and I know it's what needs to be done. But it's 10 months on, and even being in another country won't help me forget about her.

She was my best friend...

I wish to god I'd never told her I liked her... Least then we'd still be friends...

Q&A

OP I agree with the others. Listening to you reminded me a bit of a break up I went through (she too was like my best friend and texting every day as well). So I'll add my few cents and hope it helps.

I think a lot was going on in your life and you're just getting through to processing it now. I can understand why you did what you did. Its easy to say when you're in a relationship and you should share everything but you've got to accept your condition first. Only when you accept the issue yourself can you share it with others. There is a lot of stigma surrounding mental illness, wrongly so, but I can imagine it would take time to share these things.

You've only recently dealt with the mental illness issue, now that you're through that you can move on to the other aspects of your life that need dealing with, namely guilt and the loss of your ex. The chances are you're really only facing up to these issues now rather than before they were all mixed up with your illness. So while it might be 10 months since it happened you're only coming to terms with it now. Its like your clock was on pause for a few months.

Like the others say the best bet is to move on. It will take time, try to leave her in the past. One thing I found in my situation was that I was dragging a lot of baggage round with me. I needed closure before I could move on. It sounds somewhat similar to what you were describing. I needed to let her know how much she meant to me. Its funny but after I finally told her how I felt it was like a great weight was lifted. It wasn’t an overnight cure I still missed her loads but it was a further step in moving on. Remember in your case she's had 10 months to deal with it and move on while its still very raw for you.

Hope this helps

LegacyUser

Q&A wrote: »

OP I agree with the others. Listening to you reminded me a bit of a break up I went through (she too was like my best friend and texting every day as well). So I'll add my few cents and hope it helps.

I think a lot was going on in your life and you're just getting through to processing it now. I can understand why you did what you did. Its easy to say when you're in a relationship and you should share everything but you've got to accept your condition first. Only when you accept the issue yourself can you share it with others. There is a lot of stigma surrounding mental illness, wrongly so, but I can imagine it would take time to share these things.

You've only recently dealt with the mental illness issue, now that you're through that you can move on to the other aspects of your life that need dealing with, namely guilt and the loss of your ex. The chances are you're really only facing up to these issues now rather than before they were all mixed up with your illness. So while it might be 10 months since it happened you're only coming to terms with it now. Its like your clock was on pause for a few months.

Like the others say the best bet is to move on. It will take time, try to leave her in the past. One thing I found in my situation was that I was dragging a lot of baggage round with me. I needed closure before I could move on. It sounds somewhat similar to what you were describing. I needed to let her know how much she meant to me. Its funny but after I finally told her how I felt it was like a great weight was lifted. It wasn’t an overnight cure I still missed her loads but it was a further step in moving on. Remember in your case she's had 10 months to deal with it and move on while its still very raw for you.

Hope this helps

Thanks man, that actually really sums it up to a tee. It was like a weight off telling her how I felt, 'cause I know she thought I did it in pure badness and had just got sick of her or something. But at the same time, in telling her, I had secretly hoped that she'd still missed me too... Wishful thinking, I know. It's weird, it happened 10 months ago and it's only now my heart's broken.

I know I needa move on but it's gonna take a hell of a lot of time to get over this girl. I think I'll always love her.

Thanks again for the reply mate. And to everyone else that replied.