Forgive and Forget??

abi sant clare

my best friend got into a relationship. She completely ditched me and didn't make time for me. I kept asking about our next girly night out but she wud not make any effort. Ontop of this she completely changed her look an became more goth because he was into heavy metal. About 2 years ago i was trying to tell her it was wrong of her but the worst thing is, and the part i can't let go of is, she doesn't acknowledge she does it and doesn't see that even her appearance changed. Now 4 years on, she wants to meet up and get back on track. She was a brilliant friend, should i forgive and forget? part of me desperately needs an apologie!

Monkey Allen

I doubt you'll be getting an apology. And by the sounds of it, without that, you'll be bitter about the friendship if it takes off again.

Eliot Rosewater

I'd say meet up all the same. You can take it from there - if you don't some kind of discussion going about your frustrations, or if she remains intentionally ignorant of what you went through, you can ease away from her. It's worth giving it a shot though, I think, if only for yourself and the possibility of closure, as such. Worst case scenario you lose an afternoon.

Is your friend young, OP? A lot of young people (secondary school folks) seem to get into relationships and become a little obsessed, forgetting about their friends. I was a little like that myself, at 17, and it's something I regret. If one of my friends was in your position and had approached me when my relationship ended I'd have tried to make some amends. Perhaps your friend might too.

abi sant clare

shes 25 now, she was about 21 when she got in the relationship. I can accept the fact that most people do that, and she's "boy-crazy" but would i be a fool to just have her back in my life, she'l do the same thing again and again because she won't listen and change her ways, at the same time i do miss her friendship as we were like sisters.

Chinafoot

abi sant clare wrote: »

at the same time i do miss her friendship as we were like sisters.

To be honest OP, if you were like sisters and if she really was a brilliant friend she wouldn't have disappeared for 4 years. Has she broken up with the boyfriend by any chance? If she has she is more than likely at a very loose end which is why she's come looking for you again.

It's up to you at the end of the day. I've had this done to me twice. The first time I decided to let it slide and we got the friendship back, but as soon as my friend started seeing someone again she was gone. Surprise surprise, as soon as that relationship ended she was back sniffing around me again. She was told where to go.

Its been 4 years so she may have realised the error of her ways and have grown up. Then again she might do it to you again as soon as the next bloke comes along. It sounds like you want to try again and you should if thats how you feel. Just be careful. Meet her and see what happens and don't be afraid to say your piece if you want to.

abi sant clare

Chinafoot, did u get an apologie off the two friends who did this? I met up with my friend today, and from what she says it does sound like that her relationship is on the way out. Still shes completely oblivious at what she done AND was even giving out about a mutual friend of ours saying that when this mutual friend got into a relationship with a heavy metal dude that she started suddenly listening to heavy metal music herself and wearing black!! (pot, kettle,black- this is exactly what she did herself!!) I didn't say anything to her cause its completely pointless. Obviously shes completely in denial and a bit mad for not seeing this in herself, other then this shes a very good decent person who i suppose is addicted to love or something. Would you be able to overlook this major flaw and just hang out and forget about it?

astra2000

abi sant clare wrote: »

Chinafoot, did u get an apologie off the two friends who did this? I met up with my friend today, and from what she says it does sound like that her relationship is on the way out. Still shes completely oblivious at what she done AND was even giving out about a mutual friend of ours saying that when this mutual friend got into a relationship with a heavy metal dude that she started suddenly listening to heavy metal music herself and wearing black!! (pot, kettle,black- this is exactly what she did herself!!) I didn't say anything to her cause its completely pointless. Obviously shes completely in denial and a bit mad for not seeing this in herself, other then this shes a very good decent person who i suppose is addicted to love or something. Would you be able to overlook this major flaw and just hang out and forget about it?

My sisters live long best friend did this to her. She was/is a lovely girl and it was very hard to understand. I have to say I think she was oblivious to how she was behaving and I dont think she made a deliberate decision to stop contacting her friends, she did contact them infrequently or when it was beneficial to her eg an upcoming wedding they were all attending. Fast farward 10 yrs relationship breaks down shes left high and dry with 3 kids. She was a lucky girl in the fact that my sister was there for 100%. In fairness she sings my sisters praises and now goes out of her way to maintain friendship.
Give your friend a chance as much for your sake as hers but address what happened with her and let her know how hurt you were.

abi sant clare

i dont think my friend deliberty did it either. did your sisters friend acknowledge what she did eventually? did your sister get an apologie? Im heisitent in confronting the issue with her cause it will end in tears, im just hoping that i wont find it a big deal after a while and maybe a year or so down the line she might see the light and be sorry! i dont know if im making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be, at the end of the day nobody's perfect!

Chinafoot

abi sant clare wrote: »

Chinafoot, did u get an apologie off the two friends who did this? I met up with my friend today, and from what she says it does sound like that her relationship is on the way out. Still shes completely oblivious at what she done AND was even giving out about a mutual friend of ours saying that when this mutual friend got into a relationship with a heavy metal dude that she started suddenly listening to heavy metal music herself and wearing black!! (pot, kettle,black- this is exactly what she did herself!!) I didn't say anything to her cause its completely pointless. Obviously shes completely in denial and a bit mad for not seeing this in herself, other then this shes a very good decent person who i suppose is addicted to love or something. Would you be able to overlook this major flaw and just hang out and forget about it?

It was the one friend who did it to me twice. Another "friend" did it to me multiple times but he's not worth talking about tbh. Did she apologise? No. She was a bit sheepish and wanted to just carry on as if nothing had happened. Like I said, I let it slide but she did it to me again and so was told where to go, and why, when she deigned to grace me with her presence again.

Has this girl made any reference to the fact that she pissed off for 4 years? Thats quite a long period of missing time to just ignore. I don't get how you think she is a good and decent person tbh and I most certainly don't buy that she's "addicted to love". It sounds more like she's an immature girl who places little value in her friendships once a man enters the picture. The majority of people are able to maintain a relationship and friendships so why can't she? Surely if you two were such good friends she would ahve made time for you? You would have done it for her, yes?

Look, if you want to go back to being friends with her you should. I'm just advising you to be careful. Don't be in a hurry to jump straight back into best-buddy territory. She not only dropped you for 4 years but she has come back, failed completely to acknowledge how poorly she treated you and then had the nerve to vent at you about someone else who has behaved in an identical manner to her. It doesn't really bode well for your friendship.

abi sant clare

you are of course completely right. The reason she hasnt been around for 4 years is because she had to put in alot of time and effort in with this fella or their relationship wudnt have made it (of course his a complete loser and no relationship should require all that effort) Shes a complete idiot for being with him and a bigger idiot for not maintaining her friendships. Would you not bother at all with her? the thing is i do think she is worth it but i wonder would i be able to get over it! It was a absolute bitchy thing to do but other than this ( and i know its a major flaw) shes sound out

Chinafoot

abi sant clare wrote: »

you are of course completely right. The reason she hasnt been around for 4 years is because she had to put in alot of time and effort in with this fella or their relationship wudnt have made it (of course his a complete loser and no relationship should require all that effort) Shes a complete idiot for being with him and a bigger idiot for not maintaining her friendships. Would you not bother at all with her? the thing is i do think she is worth it but i wonder would i be able to get over it! It was a absolute bitchy thing to do but other than this ( and i know its a major flaw) shes sound out

OP, I can't help but feel you're making excuses for this girl and you have made your mind up about being friends again. Thats totally fine but please go into this with your eyes open otherwise you'll get fúcked over again. The reason she hasn't been around in 4 years is because your friendship didn't mean all that much to her. Simple as that. Its not about how much effort her relationship required. She simply wasn't arsed trying to maintain her friendship. You said yourself the relationship sounds like its on the way out. I'd bet my house that its no coincidence that she suddenly reappeared.

If you think this is something you can't fully let go then I would suggest that you meet her and tell her that you're upset with how she treated you and you'd like to talk about it. You don't need to be aggressive or confrontational but get your point across and don't let her shirk the issue. If she refuses to acknowledge her behaviour then you'll know where you stand.

Firetrap

I think there's no harm in meeting up with her for a cup of coffee and seeing how you get on. Perhaps she has seen the error of her ways and has realised what she did was wrong. You could point out that you're disappointed that she dropped you as a friend when she took up with this guy and see how she reacts to that. It's only really if you talk to her and see how she behaves afterwards if things can get back on track.

astra2000

abi sant clare wrote: »

i dont think my friend deliberty did it either. did your sisters friend acknowledge what she did eventually? did your sister get an apologie? Im heisitent in confronting the issue with her cause it will end in tears, im just hoping that i wont find it a big deal after a while and maybe a year or so down the line she might see the light and be sorry! i dont know if im making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be, at the end of the day nobody's perfect!

From what I remember when my sis did bring it up quiet a few months after breakup, she said her friend didnt seem to realise how distant she had been made excuses about been busy, my sis has kids too so not a real reason Imo. My sis didnt push it but has said to me if it happens again she will address it and not let it continue. The reason my sis hung in there for so long maintaining contact was that she thought maybe her friend was suffering from depression, turns out that definetly was not the case.