Birthday and Boyfriend

What_to_do999

Hi,

My birthday is coming up this month and my boyfriend has told me that he's too broke to take me for dinner so he'll cook for me instead. I understand that it's just after Christmas but he's obviously known for ages that my birthday is the same time every year. I'm frustrated that he couldn't have budgeted for it. It's very disappointing to be honest that it's led to a fight because he never cooks for me and now for my birthday decides to try...

Am I over reacting? Opinions please?

LegacyUser

Hey there, had you discussed your birthday plans with your boyfriend? As in, had he asked you "would you like to go to dinner?" if so, I think you're right to complain to him.

If not, then I would look at it this way: It's not the end of the world. Do you go on dates? If so, then is it he who does the dinner bill/cinema/popcorn etc paying?
I think being able to say that my boyfriend who has never cooked before is going to do some preparation, do some reading, set the table, and cook me a nice meal (that he probably thought about a good bit beforehand about). It would be a lovely opportunity for just the two of you, think about it, a nice bottle of wine , candles etc. It could turn out to be really lovely.

Maybe you should look at this from his point of view, he's broke but still wants to do something lovely for you. My partner was broke for my birthday and I just got a kiss but I didn't give him grief because I understood his situation, and I know he would understand if I couldn't buy him anything.. It might be worth thinking about it.

And besides, it might earn you some great-girlfriend points.

Best of luck.

happy birthday in advance !

Milkmaid

Hi, if everything else is fine between you I think it's silly to fall out over this.
Sure it's nice to be spoilt on the day but it's not as if he has decided to do nothing at all. I far prefer a meal cooked for me and even if he's not Jamie Oliver it is the thought that counts.
I have had guys shower me with gifts who were liars and cheats...I would take a good guy and a fry up any day of the week.:D

LegacyUser

Yes, I think you are overreacting. Money is very tight for a lot of people at the moment, and christmas cripples some people, no matter how well you budget.

He never cooks normally, and is now doing it for you're birthday. Well that shows me that he cares and wants to do something special, something he doesn't normally do, for your birthday.

That's my opinion anyway. Cut him some slack imo, sounds like he's trying

lau1247

maybe something important had taken a good chunk of his money budgeted.. I agree it is the thought that counts..

LegacyUser

It's very easy to splash the cash, not so easy to rustle up a 3course meal for 2, esp if one is not in the habit of cooking! Give him a chance to redeem himself, get all dressed up, enjoy the night. Ok, he may not have put thought into putting money aside, but he'll prob be putting loads of thought into recipes& making the presentation of the room special? Roll with it for the moment, complain after if needs be, not before!

Darlughda

What_to_do999 wrote: »

Hi,

My birthday is coming up this month and my boyfriend has told me that he's too broke to take me for dinner so he'll cook for me instead. I understand that it's just after Christmas but he's obviously known for ages that my birthday is the same time every year. I'm frustrated that he couldn't have budgeted for it. It's very disappointing to be honest that it's led to a fight because he never cooks for me and now for my birthday decides to try...

Am I over reacting? Opinions please?

I cannot believe how selfish, greedy and spoiled a person can be not to appreciate her boyfriend going to the effort of cooking for her on her birthday, especially as he has never cooked before.

You don't deserve him, OP.

SirDelboy18

Ah now, surely a bit of over reaction from people here. Its hardly unreasonable to expect he had budgeted. One euro a day for 50 days would give 50 euro! That would be plenty!

People just hop up on their high horses straight away.

"You don't deserve him OP" - We don't know anything about that relationship. Who are we to say who deserves who? Jeeez.

I agree that you should be angry OP. But you should leave it go, cooking is still a nice gesture. And at the end of the day, it is the thought that counts

AnonoBoy

So he's doing something that he's never done for you before for your birthday and you're not happy because you wanted him to take you out for a meal?

Give the guy a break - I bet he did buy you Christmas presents though, didn't he?

Toots

I think you're overreacting OP, Christmas is a really expensive time of year for people. Personally I'd prefer the home cooked meal rather than the restaurant one. I think it's really sweet that he's making the effort to cook a nice birthday dinner for you.

aidan24326

What_to_do999 wrote: »

Hi,

My birthday is coming up this month and my boyfriend has told me that he's too broke to take me for dinner so he'll cook for me instead. I understand that it's just after Christmas but he's obviously known for ages that my birthday is the same time every year. I'm frustrated that he couldn't have budgeted for it. It's very disappointing to be honest that it's led to a fight because he never cooks for me and now for my birthday decides to try...

Am I over reacting? Opinions please?

You're not so much over-reacting as just being plain selfish. Sure a guy with buckets of money could take you out to the best restaurant in town but that needs no thought at all, just a fat wallet. Your boyfriend has offered to cook for you, it's a nice gesture in the circumstances and you're coming across as miss spoilt princess who isn't getting her own way rather than appreciating that he's making an effort.

Is it your boyfriend himself that you love or just the things he can buy for you?

SirDelboy18 wrote: »

I agree that you should be angry OP. But you should leave it go, cooking is still a nice gesture. And at the end of the day, it is the thought that counts

Why should she be angry ffs? She'd be entitled to be angry if he fcuked off to the pub on her birthday and did nothing for her. Now that would warrant angry.

But he's offered to cook her a meal even though he doesn't cook that much and is making an effort to do something that's out of his comfort zone. Jesus it's hard to please some people!

In any case with the right company and a little effort a nice meal at home can be just as nice as going to a restaurant.

Tar.Aldarion

Wow, so selfish. As if it is the material thing of paying for food out that matters on your birthday. If my girlfriend had no money I'd be happy with a kiss lt aone him cooking for you.

I am a friend

These kind of posts really irritate me - why can you not value effort over cash?

sam34

one b/f once bought me a birthday present which cost almost €600. it was something i didnt like, didnt need and didnt want. it was something he obviously just decided to throw cash at, thinking it would impress me. it didnt. it felt meaningless and empty.

i'd much have preferred a home cooked meal and some proper time together.

shinikins

My God what thoughtless selfish behaviour on your part OP, how your boyfriend must feel right now i dread to think. The man was willing to put a lot of thought and effort into an evening you would both enjoy and all you can think about is the fact that your not being brought out!! You are completely overreacting and i would be surprised if he never again makes you so much as a cup of tea!

Last year for my birthday my boyfriend was totally broke but he scraped together all the cash he had to buy me a nice card and a box of chocolates. He cooked dinner and we sat down and watched soppy romance movies for the evening even though he'd much preferred to watch an action. The next morning i was brought my breakfast in bed and i felt like the most special girl ever. I appreciated that far more than anything he could have bought me because for a full 24 hours he went out of his way to make me the centre of his universe!

My advise-have a good hard look at yourself and your behaviour, apologise to your boyfriend and accept his offer with good grace.

OP you are behaving badly about this and definitely overreacting.
Effort is always better than randomly splashing some cash, and the fact that he never usually cooks for you means he is making a special effort.

Wompa1

Got to agree with people. It's a bit selfish on your part. If he has never cooked before and is going to that effort for your birthday then it shows he cares. Don't see what the big problem with him not bringing you out is.

dudara

I can understand that you would like to go out on your birthday - get dressed up and head somewhere nice to celebrate. That's entirely understandable.

However, your partner has explained to you that he can't make that happen this year. Disappointing I know, but it appears that he is making a big effort with the cooking, so if I were you, I'd drop it.

It's really not a big enough deal to make a fuss over, or to cause tension over. Concentrate instead on having a romantic night in. Who knows, maybe the budget can stretch to a drink or two in the pub later.

Floppybits

OP, as someone who has a birthday at this time of year I can understand your disappointment. Your BF knows when your birthday is and should have set aside something to treat you on your birthday. I dont know your BF situation but I would be annoyed if he was out partying over christmas and blew all his money on this and did not give one thought to setting aside something for your birthday, its not really that hard.

Fortunately for me, my OH has never let the time of year my birthday falls on affect her. She will set aside money for my birthday and will often buy my birthday present at the same time as my christmas present. It doesn't take much thought to put something aside especially when your birthday occurs at the same time every year.

However if he was struggling before christmas and he had a quiet christmas to save some money to see him through this month then yes cut him some slack and when he has money he can treat you then.

Squiggler

Maybe I've had too many meals out, but the meals with boyfriends etc that I most remember and most enjoyed were the ones that they planned and cooked themselves.

There is something so sweet about a guy going to all that effort and it is so much more intimate and personal.

I would take a meal lovingly cooked for me at home over a noisy, overpriced and most likely disappointing restaurant meal any time.

But that's me.

Floppybits

Squiggler wrote: »

Maybe I've had too many meals out, but the meals with boyfriends etc that I most remember and most enjoyed were the ones that they planned and cooked themselves.

There is something so sweet about a guy going to all that effort and it is so much more intimate and personal.

I would take a meal lovingly cooked for me at home over a noisy, overpriced and most likely disappointing restaurant meal any time.

But that's me.

What if the BF cant cook and the meal is disgusting or worse you get food poisoning? Is it still great then, by all means its great when the other can cook and had done so before but to tell you the truth I wouldn't be happy if someone who never cooked before decided to do it for my birthday because it was a cheap thing to do, they can do that any other time of the year. Maybe it is in a rose coloured Rom/Com way its nice but in reality its not and the poor person whose birthday it is is left disappointed but has to act all happy just because their other half couldn't be arsed setting aside a couple of quid, now that to me is selfish.

omahaid

Floppybits wrote: »

Your BF knows when your birthday is and should have set aside something to treat you on your birthday. I dont know your BF situation but I would be annoyed if he was out partying over christmas and blew all his money on this and did not give one thought to setting aside something for your birthday, its not really that hard.

...

However if he was struggling before christmas and he had a quiet christmas to save some money to see him through this month then yes cut him some slack and when he has money he can treat you then.

I would agree with this. If the OPs BF was out every night over Christmas and spent a load of money on booze then I would be annoyed. If he is genuinely struggling then of course I would not. Simples

ilovefridays

My birthday is coming up too this month and i told my boyfriend not to be worrying over a present as i know he's broke after the xmas and wont get paid till the end of the month.
you seem to be a materialistic type of person, him cooking a meal for you is so romantic and thoughtful.
he deserves better than you, sorry for been harsh but that's what the impression i get from your post.

omahaid

ilovefridays wrote: »

My birthday is coming up too this month and i told my boyfriend not to be worrying over a present as i know he's broke after the xmas and wont get paid till the end of the month.
you seem to be a materialistic type of person, him cooking a meal for you is so romantic and thoughtful.
he deserves better than you, sorry for been harsh but that's what the impression i get from your post.

A lot of people feel this way but would you still feel that way if your boyfriend had been out each night for the last two weeks (exception of Christmas day) spending €100 each night on drink and taxis?

The OP hasn't given us enough information to determine if her bf is broke due to being on the booze for two weeks or because of legitimate reasons.

weatherguy

Well, well. In these straitened economic times, not many people have spare cash. Even cash to buy a special person a special birthday present.
He has been upfront with you.
I would leave it be. Enjoy the day with him and his efforts at cooking a meal for you.
You know the saying: 'the best things in life are free'.
Why is it so important for you to receive a birthday gift from him? Surely, there is love and romance in a meal cooked by your bf?
You obviously are inexperienced in relationships. I can tell you that in years to come you will be just delighted that your other half managed to remember your birthday with a card and that's all.
Many couples over time forget birthdays all together.

dublingal80

my birthdya was a couple of days ago.. it sucks to have your birthday so soon after xmas and new year cos people are SO broke.. most companys pay earlier just before xmas so january is usually a 5-6 week month which proper stretches people and then buying xmas pressies, going out over xmas and then new years and then finally when thats all over to then have the money to buy a pressie... most of my friends dont get me a bday pressie, the time of the year sucks, and it doesnt both me at all. as long as i get to meet them at some point for a catch up im happy with that

And ive always told my bf, i dont really care what you get me for my bday, as long as i get a birthday card. i love getting birthday cards. so to be thats the most important part.

if my oh told me he didnt have the money to take me out for dinner but wanted to cook for me instead, even tho he never has before, i honestly would think that was such a sweet and thoughtful thing to do. It would show me he is really making an effort for me by doing that, and a rosemantic dinner in WAY outweighs a dinner out in my opinion.

maybe just make sure you have a pizza in the freezer just incase

LegacyUser

What_to_do999 wrote: »

Hi,

My birthday is coming up this month and my boyfriend has told me that he's too broke to take me for dinner so he'll cook for me instead. I understand that it's just after Christmas but he's obviously known for ages that my birthday is the same time every year. I'm frustrated that he couldn't have budgeted for it. It's very disappointing to be honest that it's led to a fight because he never cooks for me and now for my birthday decides to try...

Am I over reacting? Opinions please?

You're definitely over reacting. Your boyfriend had the decency to come clean and tell you he has no money (which is quite a difficult thing for men to admit to), and has offered the alternative of cooking you dinner. Do you think it would show he cares more if he paid money for dinner instead of cooking it for you? It's far easier to pay for dinner than to cook it. You sound very demanding to be honest. You owe your boyfriend the mother of all apologies.

Novella

Yeah, I think you're totally over-reacting, not to mention being rather unreasonable. He can't afford to take you out for a meal, so he offered to cook for you. He could have just said, "Look, I can't afford it, so eh, another time" but he didn't. He obviously knows it's important to you that an effort is made for your birthday, and he is trying.

Personally, I'd way prefer to stay home with my boyfriend and make dinner together than to go out. I think being at home, cooking together and having fun is much better quality time than being confined to the restraints of a restaurant. Plus, the fact that he wants to do something outside of his comfort zone for you is really lovely. If I were him, and my partner was upset about this, I think I'd be the one feeling hurt.

Relationships aren't about money, and going out, and presents. They work with give and take, understanding and compromise.

Floppybits

Novella wrote: »

. They work with give and take, understanding and compromise.

Yes this is a hard time but is too hard to expect your OH to put a couple of quid away to do something for a birthday? Its not like the birthday is a sudden bolt out of blue or something like that, it occurs at the same time every year, so surely it is not too much ask to have a bit of forward planning, wouldn't that show you that your OH is thinking of you?

I think it is very selfish of these people who spend every single penny out on the lash for the couple of weeks over christmas and then expect their OH to understand that January is a bad month. Sorry that doesn't cut it with me, to me that is selfish and shows just how much someone thinks of you.

OP needs to clarify if her OH has been out on the lash for the last couple of weeks and pi**ed all his money up against a wall and didn't even think to put a couple of quid aside for his GF birthday?

Swampy

Over reacting. Christmas is expensive.

iguana

What_to_do999 wrote: »

it's led to a fight because he never cooks for me and now for my birthday decides to try...

I'm honestly so confused by why this would have led to a fight? It sounds so very, very sweet of him. Sometimes the obvious can be hard to see if we are focussing on something else, so I won't call you selfish, just looking at this from the wrong angle. I suggest you try and see just how caring a gesture this is from him and appreciate the how important you clearly are to him. Because if I was him I wouldn't be feeling as understanding of your viewpoint, I'd be feeling very much like an unappreciated chump.

Novella

Floppybits wrote: »

Yes this is a hard time but is too hard to expect your OH to put a couple of quid away to do something for a birthday? Its not like the birthday is a sudden bolt out of blue or something like that, it occurs at the same time every year, so surely it is not too much ask to have a bit of forward planning, wouldn't that show you that your OH is thinking of you?

I think it is very selfish of these people who spend every single penny out on the lash for the couple of weeks over christmas and then expect their OH to understand that January is a bad month. Sorry that doesn't cut it with me, to me that is selfish and shows just how much someone thinks of you.

OP needs to clarify if her OH has been out on the lash for the last couple of weeks and pi**ed all his money up against a wall and didn't even think to put a couple of quid aside for his GF birthday?

You don't know what her boyfriend has been spending money on. Maybe he had car insurance to pay this month, tax, bills? Perhaps he took out a loan and owed money on it. Maybe he simply splashed out on presents for Christmas. Something in his home could have broken and he may have had to pay for repairs. Jumping to the conclusion that he spent all of his money on alcohol in the last month is just a bit rash, imo.

And ya know what? It's his money. He can do what he wants with it. Even if he can't afford to go out for dinner because he over-indulged over Christmas, so what? Loads of people do that, it's hardly a crime.

The OP's boyfriend does not, to me anyway, sound like he is inconsiderate. He has offered to cook a meal himself. Someone does not have to spend money on you to show you that they are thinking about you or that you care, as you seem to think.

Floppybits

Swampy wrote: »

Over reacting. Christmas is expensive.

So expensive that a bit of money cant be put aside for special someone's birthday? Is that too much too ask?

silverspoon

OK if it's the case that your OH spent all his money over Christmas and therefore due to his own socialising cannot now take you out, I can see that you might be a bit miffed.

However, staying in to cook for you is hard work, especially if he's unsure of himself in the kitchen, and costs money too! I'm in a relationship where I'm completely broke (masters) and my BF has a job, and if on an occasion like his birthday I told him I was cooking for him, I would be miserable if he got upset that I wasn't flinging money I didn't have at it. It's not nice being in a financially unequal position to my BF, and it would really break my heart if he was angry over something like this.

I don't know your circumstances - maybe he's working but a terrible budgeter, or maybe he's out of work. Either way, really the effort of cooking for you himself and putting thought into the menu doesn't deserve the bad reaction you had. The cheaper option isn't always the lazy or thoughtless one - throwing money around is easy, working around being broke is not.

omahaid

Novella wrote: »

Jumping to the conclusion that he spent all of his money on alcohol in the last month is just a bit rash, imo.

Plenty people on this thread have jumped to the conclusion that he didn't spend his money on alcohol - just as rash imo (especially considering the OP has been told how "selfish, greedy and spoiled" she is).

Floppybits

Novella wrote: »

You don't know what her boyfriend has been spending money on. Maybe he had car insurance to pay this month, tax, bills? Perhaps he took out a loan and owed money on it. Maybe he simply splashed out on presents for Christmas. Something in his home could have broken and he may have had to pay for repairs. Jumping to the conclusion that he spent all of his money on alcohol in the last month is just a bit rash, imo.

And ya know what? It's his money. He can do what he wants with it. Even if he can't afford to go out for dinner because he over-indulged over Christmas, so what? Loads of people do that, it's hardly a crime.

The OP's boyfriend does not, to me anyway, sound like he is inconsiderate. He has offered to cook a meal himself. Someone does not have to spend money on you to show you that they are thinking about you or that you care, as you seem to think.

I don't accept that. Just because your birthday happens to be after christmas you just have to shut up and put up because your OH couldn't arsed saving a few quid to treat you on your birthday that I am sure they knew was coming up. Just like you would put aside some money to pay car insuranace, tax, bills etc, why wouldn't you do it to treat your OH for their birthday? Sounds very uncaring to me. Would you be saying the same thing if the birthday was any other month of the year? It is a pathetic excuse, it can be planned for and it wasn't simple as that no matter what the money was spent on or whatever not putting something aside for something you know is coming up just shows a lack of care and thoughtfulness.

ztoical

Personally I think it's an over reaction regardless of the time of year. Someone trying to cook no matter if they are good at it or not is not a cheap get out spending money option - alot of people would find it very sweet and there's been no mention if that is it for the birthday or not - the BF may have bought a present or flowers or chocolates to go with the meal. What did the boyfriend get the OP for xmas? I've several friends whose partners birthdays fall very close to xmas so they usually go for the extra big xmas present [like tv for xmas, blue ray player for birthday but you get both on xmas day] and for the birthday it's breakfast in bed or a cooked meal.

What did the BF do for the birthday last year? When the OP says out for a meal what do they mean? Someone mentioned the BF could have saved 50euro no issue for a meal, very few places you'd get a nice birthday meal for 50 euro [transport/wine/desert etc]. Which would the OP perfer a cheap meal out or a romantic meal cooked for her? Frankly the OP has left too much information out.

Floppybits

ztoical wrote: »

What did the BF do for the birthday last year? When the OP says out for a meal what do they mean? Someone mentioned the BF could have saved 50euro no issue for a meal, very few places you'd get a nice birthday meal for 50 euro [transport/wine/desert etc]. Which would the OP perfer a cheap meal out or a romantic meal cooked for her? Frankly the OP has left too much information out.

Exactly a lot of details are left out by the OP but it didn't stop people saying its an over reaction, including yourself? Everyone just jumped on the bandwagon that the poor BF was broke and she was being selfish, when maybe depending on the bits that are missing the BF could be the selfish one.

As I said in a previous post, my birthday falls this month and my OH always does something for my birthday because she puts money aside for it. Its doesn't hurt and its not that hard to do. I just cant accept this excuse oh its January so that means that we dont do anything special like go out for your birthday because the OH couldn't be bothered putting a little bit of cash away for this occasion. Ok I accept that it would be an over reaction if the OH had put some money away but unfortunately due to the car breaking down or something unexpected had to spend the money which meant they couldn't treat the OH at their birthday. But just not to put something aside for it is selfish on the OH part and shows no consideration for their partner. Its not like their birthday changes every year.

ztoical

Floppybits wrote: »

Exactly a lot of details are left out by the OP but it didn't stop people saying its an over reaction, including yourself? Everyone just jumped on the bandwagon that the poor BF was broke and she was being selfish, when maybe depending on the bits that are missing the BF could be the selfish one.

What someone doesn't say is almost as important as what they do say. If the BF had been out drinking everynight during the Xmas and/or throwing money all over the place you would think the OP would have mentioned that in her post. If it were the case that he had no money for those reasons if I were the OP that would be the thing annoying more then the BF saying he was going to cook a meal and I'd have made damn sure to point that out when presenting my side of the story.

omahaid

ztoical wrote: »

What someone doesn't say is almost as important as what they do say. If the BF had been out drinking everynight during the Xmas and/or throwing money all over the place you would think the OP would have mentioned that in her post. If it were the case that he had no money for those reasons if I were the OP that would be the thing annoying more then the BF saying he was going to cook a meal and I'd have made damn sure to point that out when presenting my side of the story.

The OP didn't say anything about her BF being laid off recently, or that the BF had emergency costs or that the BF had some other legitimate reason for not having money. If we are to agree that what someone doesn't say is almost as important as what they do say then we can only conclude there was nothing out of the ordinary this Christmas.

amy21

Dress up and give him sex, thats all men want anyway

Oryx

Please keep all comments helpful and non sexist. Thank you.

Josh_Calvert

sounds like 2 retarded people in a passive-aggressive relationship to me.let's leave them in their own mess....sounds like they're both at fault here.

dudara

This appears to be more of a discussion thread now, rather than giving advice and assistance to the OP.

Keep it on topic

dudara

MiniSquish

You never know he could end up putting a lot of effort into it and it could end up being something he repeats (if he's good at it). My boyfriend doesn't have that much money either, although he would have budgeted for it coming up. Bear in mind that it is after Christmas, New Years etc. I'd love if my boyfriend cooked for me

carolinespring

What_to_do999 wrote: »

Hi,

My birthday is coming up this month and my boyfriend has told me that he's too broke to take me for dinner so he'll cook for me instead. I understand that it's just after Christmas but he's obviously known for ages that my birthday is the same time every year. I'm frustrated that he couldn't have budgeted for it. It's very disappointing to be honest that it's led to a fight because he never cooks for me and now for my birthday decides to try...

Am I over reacting? Opinions please?

I think it is so lovely that your boyfriend would want to cook for your birthday. So romantic that he is going to go to all the trouble of cooking for you. Makes it even more special as he dose not cook. I love when my husband cooks the odd time for me and believe me cooking is not something he is very good at but it is done with love and the look in his eyes as he sere is up just makes me want to melt.

Your birthday should be about you feeling special and loved ones and friends making a fuss of you, not how much as spent on a meal or present.

relax, enjoy and have fun, it could turn out to be the best birthday ever. Every meal tastes a lot better when a spoon of love is added!!!!!

GismoBaby

awh how can u be so low that you dont think your boyfriend cooking you dinner after never really cookijng before isnt more special than him bringing you out?

hey i totally sympahtise with the whole birthday close to xmas mines on the 2nd Jan and was meant to be going out for dinner for it this year but after xmas i serioulsy woul not have enjoyed pigging out! I had eat so much and drankso much over xmas i just couldnt face it!

i think u should let ur BF let you cook you dinner and sure if he makes a balls of it theres alway 'dessert'.... hehe!! doesnt mean hes a cheapskate it could be a really romantic night!! best of luck!!

tinkerbell

OP - you are acting like a spoiled princess. Your guy has no money, and so he decides to do something thoughtful for you instead like cooking a meal when he doesn't do much cooking. I mean, what's wrong with that? That is a lovely idea.

And by the way, this sense of entitlement that you seem to have (you said he's known for ages that it's your birthday) - well get rid of that entitlement. He's not obliged to buy you a birthday present. Be happy that he is doing something thoughtful for you like cooking dinner, and stop being so materialistic.