Advice needed

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Pretty sure I suffer from depression(dealing with this issue) The last year has been really crap for me. I have lost interest in many things. I dont go out much more, gave up drink as I know it wont help my situation and all I do is sit about a dwell on the issues all day.

But the problem is I know a girl,and we get on great. Really good friends for years. Needless to say I have feelings for her and I am pretty sure she feels the same way, and this has been the case for some time.

When I am with her all them previous problems don't exist and I feel totally relaxed with her. I know we could be in a relationship but I have constant doubts about it,mainly due to my depression. I ask myself: "Why should I let her in on my problems?", " she deserves better" etc.

I hate that I keep dragging the issue out as it is not fair on her but I just don't know what to do. I feel myself that I have to tell her what I am going through if we were to be in a relationship but that this could scare her off...

Should I say to her or leave it basically?! Thanks all!

Carpe_Diem

Here's the deal: Things are great around this girl because it's new. New things are always exciting. But eventually the excitement wears off and you're back to being who you really are -- and in your case it's being depressed.

What you need to do is deal with your own life differently -- deal with your depression in a way that helps it. Sitting and dwelling doesn't help, it only keeps you depressed and drags you down a little farther, same with alcohol.

I know when you're depressed the last thing you want to do is get out and do something, but that's exactly what fights it best. Get out and walk, run, exercise. It truly helps. There's plenty of information about how to deal with depression, you might do a search on the internet for more ideas, but getting moving is the main idea. If this is a chronic problem you should probably talk to a counselor about it, you may need medication to help you. But you'd do well to see if you can't make a big improvement on it on your own first.

By dealing with your problem and resolving it, you aren't dooming the girl to your depressed state and you aren't dooming yourself to it either. Actively deal with it and continue to do it, and you're right, it's not fair for anyone to be with a person who's got a problem like depression but does nothing about it.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Cheers for the reply Carpe_Diem

Sorry,should have clarified that I have know her for a number of years,just over the last year we have got close!

I am dealing with the depression by doing exactly what you said,exercise and talking with someone.

I know that I can take active measures to deal with the issue,but I know that it is difficult to completely eradicate depression - you have good days and you have bad ones.

Should I tell her what I am going through and how I am trying to solve it,or just don't mention the depression to her at this stage? In my own head I would think it unfair to get involved with anyone and not mention such a thing,then the other side of me thinks not to put the problem on some one else....

Carpe_Diem

I understood that this was someone you'd known for some time, but that doesn't matter. When you develop a romantic interest in that person, you go through the same kind of feelings you do with someone you're attracted to that you met recently.

I am confused though about your situation. In your original post you said "Pretty sure I suffer from depression ... I dont go out much more, gave up drink as I know it wont help my situation and all I do is sit about a dwell on the issues all day." But here now you're saying you know it's depression, you are seeing someone about it and you do exercise and work to resolve it. That's completely opposite to what you said originally. You don't have to convince me what the true situation is, you know yourself what you're doing to take care of this. If you're seeing a therapist about your depression and s/he has told you this is a long term thing, that's one thing, but to say depression is typically difficult to completely eradicate isn't true at all. Depression is something that most people are affected by at one time in their life or another, but it typically doesn't last forever and it doesn't come back either. If there comes a time when it's been a struggle for too long (months) and they don't get professional help with it, yeah, it's likely going to stick with them and be a long term struggle, but for the most part, those that get help and for those that depression resolves for within a reasonable time frame, it isn't likely to return for them.

It sounds like you're saying this is an issue you've struggled with off and on for years. While you say you're "talking to someone", I suspect that someone is a friend, not a professional. Depression that's been an off and on problem and/or is something you've struggled hard with and aren't getting to resolution is something that you really should get some real help with. There are medications that can help you over the tough parts and get you to a place where you can resolve your issues and no longer need meds or be depressed. "Taking care of yourself" when you continue to struggle and don't resolve it doesn't help you and doesn't resolve it, it just keeps you stuck in a hole you don't need to be in.

Back to the girl -- if you've seen a professional therapist and have a real diagnosis and answer for her, then yes, tell her. If you haven't, then go see somebody and find out what's going on so you know how what it is for real, how to deal with it appropriately and you know what to tell her. Until then, you're just guessing and you don't really have anything clear to tell her at all..."I think I'm depressed and I've kind of tried to get better but it's still here. I deal with it off and on...." How can you talk to her about it when you don't know what the real deal is? You have to know what's really possible and what the situation really is before you can know whether it's fair to involve her or not, and your guesswork won't let her decide whether it's something she wants to get involved with or not.

I can tell you this, if a guy told me he had what he figured was depression and it was something he'd dealt with off and on for a long time, what he'd be telling me is that he doesn't take appropriate steps to take care of himself or take care of his problems. And that would tell me he was someone someone I'd stay away from. You can't fix somebody else's problems, but when they don't take strong steps to fix their problems, that creates a situation that's not acceptable to stay in. See what I mean?

LegacyUser

OP here,

Sorry,when I say I dont go out I meant socially,pubs,clubs or anywhere like that. I always exercise though,but that only takes up so much time!

But yea thats not the issue but the second part of your post cleared it up for me.

Get the professional help,get a definitive answer and then work with that.

Thanks Carpe_Diem,very helpful