Successful stories in alcoholic relationship?

LegacyUser

i have a friend who drank himself into trouble. i like him but we never developed anything serious, just a little bit more than friend etc. now he is a recovering alcoholic and has stopped drinking for a little while (a month). i suggested to take things real slow but still am not quite sure whether i can handle this relationship. he knows i like him a lot. i also told him that i dont want to see him drunk (which i did once) as seeing him drunk putting me off and i found him very unattractive when he's drunk and behaving agressively or stupidly (which is really true). he controls his drinking intake very well when he is with me.

i do really like him a lot and wanna try. anyone any experiences, especially successful experience to tell me what i can do to handle this relationship well? to support him but not losing myself. i dont want to save him, i dont think i have the saviour complex (even i have, maybe just a bit). i really do enjoy the time to be with him and we have deep connections.

tks.

Nevyn

I would suggest that you given him two more months, when in recovery jumping into a relationship is very rarely a good thing. So if you want to keep in touch and then in 8 weeks time stuggest starting dating.

Emme

An alcoholic relationship is like a marriage where the person who drinks is already married to alcohol.

I dated a few guys with drink problems. It never worked out well. Some were off the drink altogether but had other problems. Others were heavy drinkers who couldn't see that they had a problem and they would castigate me for not matching their drinking. The toughest relationship was with a hardworking, brilliant and successful guy who held down a responsible job but drank in the evenings and at weekends, it would turn him into a monster! We were together on and off for 4 years but the drink won even though I loved him and tried to help him. In the end I had to walk away and I still miss him.

Unfortunately alcoholic relationships are an occupational hazard of dating in this country. In my experience they don't work. It depends on how much the addict wants to recover. The advice to give him two more months is good - but don't keep giving him chances and coming back.

LegacyUser

tks.

emme, how to define 'dont give him chances'? you mean see him drunk once then walk away? or what?

i agree to take it real slow if we really want to have something meaningful out from our encounter. maybe just some friendship dates to get to know each other more and deeper the first two months and see how things go (whether both of us are happy in it and have anything gained in it).

anyone has similar experience and have a successful outcome? any tips to share?

Cheap Thrills!

My ex was an alcholic. Run a million miles is my only advice.

SirDelboy18

Thread very very carefully.

Squiggler

So much depends on so many things.

Is he a genetic alcoholic, can he stop at one drink or is he the type of alcoholic that has to NEVER drink? Does one drink always become a binge?

A recovering alcoholic, provided he stays off the drink, you might have a happy future with, but you will also have to be willing to offer a lot of support and be aware that there is a risk that stress or some upset could easily derail their efforts and put them right back where they started. Will you be able/willing to give up drinking to support him?

I've been in relationships with people with dependency issues, it's tough. Binge drinking can damage a relationship even without it being habitual.

My husband was never an alcoholic, but he used to drink a lot, and got himself into a lot of trouble because of it (while I knew him, but before we were together). I love him with all my heart but I know that I would not be married to him now if he had continued that lifestyle. He doesn't always have to have a drink, and he rarely binges, but when he does it stresses me a little. But the difference is that he can stop drinking, he can decided that x number of drinks is enough. An alcoholic will keep going until there is nothing left to drink, and then look for more.

And an alcoholic will rarely accept that they have a problem. My Aunt's husband can't have one drink, if he drinks at all he goes on binges for days. He has lost his job, his driving licence, steals from my Aunt, has hit her and their adult children. Sober he is a lovely man, drunk he's a devil with no concern for anyone else. Then, when the money runs out and he needs clean clothes he's back, saying anything it takes, apologising, swearing it won't happen again. And it doesn't, for a week or two...

iguana

How bad was his alcohol dependence and by what means has he stopped drinking? Relapse can be common, especially as it's such early days, as alcohol abuse has a detrimental effect on the brain which can take quite a long time to fully repair. Also quite often the drinking problem happened because the alcoholic was "self-medicating" for personal problems they couldn't handle alone or even undiagnosed clinical depression/bi-polarism. He may still need help with such issues and if he does it will quickly become apparent that the alcohol was a symptom of his problems rather than the root of it.

This doesn't mean that he won't ever overcome this and doesn't have the potential to eventually be a good partner. The vast majority of addicts eventually overcome their addiction. But one month in, is very, very soon. If you do decide to pursue this relationship take it incredibly slowly, otherwise you risk, at best, finding yourself thrown too quickly into a place where you have to provide a lot of support. Or at worst, embroiled in a very, very destructive relationship.

Emme

alcoholics wrote: »

tks.

emme, how to define 'dont give him chances'? you mean see him drunk once then walk away? or what?

i agree to take it real slow if we really want to have something meaningful out from our encounter. maybe just some friendship dates to get to know each other more and deeper the first two months and see how things go (whether both of us are happy in it and have anything gained in it).

anyone has similar experience and have a successful outcome? any tips to share?

Friendship dates are a good idea but in my experience of them (and I've dated a few) alcoholics can't handle the emotional expectations of others very well and they disappear into drink. So he might be ok as a friend, but if you became a couple he could be fine for a while, but when things started getting serious and you looked to him for support he might not able to handle that and could turn to drink. He mightn't go back on it in a full blown way, but he could "disappear" into a weekend binge. I was 4 years on and off with a guy who did this on whenever anyone made emotional demands on him - his mother, his brothers, his sisters or myself. He would also drink heavily after a stressful day at work but miraculously held down a very responsible job.

It depends how mature he is and how motivated he is not to drink alcohol again. Sometimes the problem is biochemical just as much as emotional, once some alcoholics start drinking they cannot stop (alcoholic gene and problems with metabolising alcohol) and they only avenue for them is not to drink alcohol at all. Apparently the Irish and Scottish have this gene, and also the Native Americans.

If this is his problem and he's cognisant of that he might stay in remission. I don't think alcoholics like people with eating disorders ever fully recover but some manage to stay in remission better than others.

Good luck but from my experience I would advise you to avoid getting emotionally involved with a guy who has a drink problem.

When I said "don't give him chances" I mean if he starts drinking again even for a weekend and behaves abusively to you during a binge then walk and don't look back.

iguana

Emme wrote: »

(alcoholic gene and problems with metabolising alcohol) and they only avenue for them is not to drink alcohol at all. Apparently the Irish and Scottish have this gene, and also the Native Americans.

There is absolutely NO definitive evidence of this whatsoever. The problem almost always becomes chemical but that is caused by the body developing a physical dependency due to the abuse, not the other way around. (Mainly suspension of thiamine production and damage to the GABA(b) receptors). This eventually happens with abuse of every unnecessary substance from chocolate to cocaine. As long as the addict hasn't caused permanent brain damage eventual full long-term resumption of normal function is now believed to be most likely.

The only possible genetic component, is that some people may have less resistance to abuse than others, in the same way that some people have teeth that need more care than other people's.

Fittle

Why would you be seriously contemplating a relationship, that you are already questioning, before it even begins? Why would you put yourself in this situation, where you know that this man could bring you untold strife?

I'm not saying he doesn't deserve to be loved, and doesn't deserve a relationship with somebody, but very few, if any, people go into a relationship KNOWING the other person is an alcoholic.

I have first-hand experience of alcoholism, in a few close family members. It's not pretty. And I would run a million miles if I knew that a guy I liked, had an an alcohol problem before I even began the relationship with him. It's relationship suicide. You will be on tenter-hooks, forever wondering if he's drinking, forever wondering about bringing him to social situations where there is alcohol, forever wondering that he might once again, 'drink himself into trouble'.

Seriously OP, he's a friend. Support him by all means...but don't get into a relationship with him.

Emme

iguana wrote: »

There is absolutely NO definitive evidence of this whatsoever. The problem almost always becomes chemical but that is caused by the body developing a physical dependency due to the abuse, not the other way around. (Mainly suspension of thiamine production and damage to the GABA(b) receptors). This eventually happens with abuse of every unnecessary substance from chocolate to cocaine. As long as the addict hasn't caused permanent brain damage eventual full long-term resumption of normal function is now believed to be most likely.

The only possible genetic component, is that some people may have less resistance to abuse than others, in the same way that some people have teeth that need more care than other people's.

Good point, but why is alcohol abuse more common in some ethnic groups than others?

S23

I completely agree with Fittle. Having dealt with people who were alcoholics, both family and friends, I think she's hit the nail on the head.

I have no concept of why you would enter in to a relationship with someone with such major issues. You've made no physical or emotional committment to this person thus far and you know he has a major problem so why would proceed?

Also, this 'give him 2 months' thing, while well intentioned, fails to graps the seriousness of the situation. If he does turn his life around, and I sincerely hope he does, then 2 months is the tiniest baby step on that path. Starting a relationship at that stage probably isn't advisable for the person in recovery but it most certainly wouldn't be advisable for you IMO.

You have no idea how well or badly things would go under normal circumstances. Even less so in this case. It's a quite feasible scenario that he becomes emotionally reliant on you in dealing with his problem rather than dealing with it on his own. In that case it would make any breakup due to any number of things (relapse, not getting on, just generally not working out) all the more traumatic for both parties involved.

Be there as a friend but leave it as that.

Also, Emme, I don't believe in any alcoholic gene. I think it's a much more cultural thing that stems back generations and has become acceptable. Irish, Scottish, Native American and now Aborigine (a relatively new occurance) culture all shares one historical similiarity that is a history of occupation and oppression. That's the only common thread I can find.

LegacyUser

OP here.

we have very deep connections. when i first met him, i did not know he had alcohol issue. or, well, i did not know the issue is that huge. he's always there for me when i needed him. he helped me out a lot, huge. and we click in a lot of way (not the drink though. i dont socialise in pubs myself, although i am quite easy and would go if i am asked). i feel very strong to him.

i agree with s23 that i have no ideas how serious the issue can be as he is the only person i know that has drinking problems. that's why i asked. all points taken into considerations.

but, really, no successful stories to share? all doomed to fail?

iguana

Emme wrote: »

Good point, but why is alcohol abuse more common in some ethnic groups than others?

There isn't anything definitive at present but it seems more psycho-social than anything else when it comes to "celtic" peoples. With Native American/Aboriginal Australian peoples there is a certainly worth further investigation into the suggestion that it could be that their physical tolerance is low due to the fact that alcohol has been introduced to their societies relatively recently, but nothing has been proven at a genetic level so far. (Unlike for example the fact that we definitively know that most adult North Europeans and East Africans can tolerate lactose due to a mutation on Chromosome 2). There is also a reasonable argument that within some societies, addiction problems are much more "visible" than they are in others, but not necessarily of higher occurrence.

I don't want to take this too far off-topic but it I do think it's the type of thing worth giving some thought to when considering a relationship with someone who has had alcohol problems. As, if the OP sees children in her future the question of the genetic component of alcoholism is worth some consideration.

Milkmaid

I was married to an alcoholic and my advice is to save yourself a lot of pain and stay uninvolved with him....even when they sober up alcoholics can have a whole range of emotional problems that they have covered up with drink.
They are basically very selfish (not being harsh..ask any counsellor) people, very self absorbed and manipulative.
You will end up feeling sorry for him, trying to care for him ..the list goes on and on....
Sobering up is only the tip of the iceberg. I never knew ex was an alcoholic when I married, and I would not wish what I went through on anyone.
P.S. Whilst you're busy looking after him who is looking after YOU ,or possible kids?

Fittle

alcoholics wrote: »

OP here.

we have very deep connections. when i first met him, i did not know he had alcohol issue. or, well, i did not know the issue is that huge. he's always there for me when i needed him. he helped me out a lot, huge. and we click in a lot of way (not the drink though. i dont socialise in pubs myself, although i am quite easy and would go if i am asked). i feel very strong to him.

i agree with s23 that i have no ideas how serious the issue can be as he is the only person i know that has drinking problems. that's why i asked. all points taken into considerations.

but, really, no successful stories to share? all doomed to fail?

Ok, so you say you have 'very deep connections', but in your first post you also say that he drank himself into trouble before you began the relationship?

So you aren't lying to anyone here OP - you are lying to yourself. When he was your friend, you didn't know he had alcohol problems. But since you became a 'girlfriend' (though I'm not sure that's the right term), you did now he had alcohol problems?

You haven't seen any success stories with alcoholics here OP, because there are none. Yes, there are successful relationships with those in recovery for many years - but none, where it starts off that you know he's an alcoholic, and you decide to be his girlfriend.

LegacyUser

Maybe there is misunderstanding?

I've known him for a few years. When the friendship was building, he was doing well in controlling alcohol. And seriously, when you first met a person, you would not tell all your stories to each other, right? So, I did not know he had drinking problems. It's later the friendship and 'relationship' developed that he opened up more then I knew. We did go out before for a little while but both of us did not think that was something serious. We did messed around once or twice and kissed and professed the feelings, that's it.

I am not his girlfriend although we like each other for sure. And I suggested to go slow because Im not sure whether both of us can handle this. Now it's to the point either we drop each others and cut contact ('cos the feelings are so strong and if we dont drop each others, we would not be able find someone else and commit to that person completely, he told me that and I feel myself so as well) or we try but slowly (I suggested)...

Squiggler

Hi alcoholics, if you haven't already you should read this story http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056139557

LegacyUser

An addict cannot be in recovery if they are drinking. No matter how much or little, no matter the occiasion or event, no matter the stress or even the weather.

An addict is always an addict.

There is no such thing as an addict who can control their drinking. There are functioning addicts but it will aways be looking for an out. The crazyness will persist, the 'sorrys' will be given over and over. The life-style, the spending, the lies, the mistrust will be there.

Whether predisposed through genetics or nurturing; it does not matter. The illness will follow the same path of distruction.

If this person has recently undertaken a 'cure' then they are not in a good place to start a relationship with anybody. They need to get to know themselves first and come to terms with their addiction.

iguana

Drinkfreezone wrote: »

An addict cannot be in recovery if they are drinking. No matter how much or little, no matter the occiasion or event, no matter the stress or even the weather.

An addict is always an addict.

There is no such thing as an addict who can control their drinking. There are functioning addicts but it will aways be looking for an out. The crazyness will persist, the 'sorrys' will be given over and over. The life-style, the spending, the lies, the mistrust will be there.

Again this is nothing more than pseudo-psychology. It may be the conventional "wisdom" but it's not only completely unproven, but has been disproven. Addiction is a chemical dependency, which usually occurs due to psychological problems. Depending on the level of damage to the GABA(b) receptors there may be know physical reason for a former addict to not be able to moderate successfully because they appear to repair, often fully.

If this man is really in recovery (physical, mentally, emotionally as necessary) it's perfectly possible for him to make a good partner to somebody at some point. The real question the OP needs answered, is if he is genuinely sorting himself out. And the only way to answer that is to see how he fares over time, which is why they should take things very slowly, glacially slowly.

OP, of course there are happy stories but anyone who has come through addiction in their marriage/relationship has most likely been through hell, even if they did come out the other side. And they've likely borne witness to peers who have never had their success. They aren't going to pop up here and say, "go for it, it'll probably all work out," because they have no idea if it will or not and they aren't going to risk their story being something that influences you toward what may be a destructive path.

LegacyUser

I am just at the end of a relationship with an alcoholic, and it has left me drained, quite ill, worn out and I am hurting like hell. It has sucked all life out of me and now I have to rebuild. He was not an alcoholic when we started (over 8 years ago), but slowly progressed into a full blown one - I've been through the rehabs, the counsellors, the psychiatrists, the works. If I have one good word of advice for you - don't do it, or if you really really want to, wait - 2 months is nothing. To give up drink is a serious task, and definitely not easy and I thank whoever, every day, that I don't have any addictions!

Emme

A lot fewer people in Ireland would be single if it were possible to have a successful relationship with an alcoholic. Me for one.