Am I in the friendzone already

LegacyUser

I'm just looking for an alternative view from the good people on boards.ie I'll be a little light on details to save time and to protect the innocent.

A girl messages me on POF, we chatted and got on well, exchanged numbers and became friends on FB. She seemed eager to meet.
We met over the holidays, not a standard date, I met her and her sister before they went out. She was better looking in person, I do not think I am :-( lol
Anyway first meeting went grand, peck on cheek, promising texts after.
Tried to arrange 2nd meeting but for a number of reasons couldn't be done.
Pretty much constant texting and a few calls in the meantime.
Eventually met up just before holidays ended, I drove for a couple of hours to meet her in her hometown, she seemed excited beforehand.
Went for dinner and coffee, went quite well, easy conversation but no major "sparks" and I began to feel like she was trying to subtley imply that she wasn't really that interested.
Feeling as I did I decided not to attempt kiss.
She brought up that I must be tired after drive and should start thinking about heading home. I agreed and then she asked would I give her sister, who had come don for a couple of days, a lift home? I cheerfully agreed to, sister is a pleasant person, it was company, I was going that way anyway and I'm a nice guy :-)
Paranoia begins to set in that the only reason she invited me down was to get lift for sister?...
Drive home with sister, no texts from date.
Next day I decide to text another date invite in case I have the situation wrong.
She replies pretty quickly that she would indeed be up for another date
Now I'm confused, is she interested? Does she like me as a friend?

I'd appreciate any views. Thanks in advance.

SirDelboy18

Should have been more than a peck on the cheek. That majorly put you on the back-foot. Made intimacy this big elephant in the room.

"Should I touch?"
"Is it okay to touch"
"If I try to take her hand how will she react?"

These questions shouldn't have existed beyond 20 minutes into the first meeting IMO. You're no longer a sexual prospect in her eyes IMO

Not unsavable, but mightily difficult. The odds are really stacked against you

dazzacon

Cracking advice from sirdelboy! Nothing more to add!

Monkey Allen

You can always come back from the friend zone. But you need to stop doing the friend thing first. If you want a relationship with this girl, you have to show her that you can be sexual. By the sounds of it, she might be thinking if you're only looking for friendship.

I have a theory that women assume all guys jump on a girl at the first sign of interest and when us guys dont do that, they assume we're not interested. Thats obviously not true in your case. But you're giving off the friend vibe too much.

Next time you're talking to her, make a dirty joke in reply to something she says and look at her with a smile waiting for her reaction. Ok, I think the way i typed that sounds a little creepy. But I'm not talking about rape jokes or serious stuff. The point is to show you can surprise her at first. Women need that. A predictable man is usually a boring one.

Take a look at your appearance. Top button done up? Undo it, and the one below it.

Dont be afraid to casually swear very occasionally.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies lads.
I'm not completely useless at the whole dating thing but it just seems like the girls I fancy don't fancy me, and the girls that are into me, I'm not into them...

i realise that this is probably because I behave differently with girls I fancy a lot, i guess I should've attempted to "drop the head" on the 2nd date. I maybe should've tried on 1st date too but it wasn't a straight forward situation.

she texts me loads of times during the day and a couple of calls too. i've sugeested a date which would involve a long drive so a friend thinks i should suggest staying over at a hotel, not for anything sleazy, but it would at least raise the subject. any thoughts?

LegacyUser

dont suggest a hotel before youve even kissed her! it might not be sleazy but it sure sounds it...

LegacyUser

user666 wrote: »

dont suggest a hotel before youve even kissed her! it might not be sleazy but it sure sounds it...

when you put it like that it does sound pretty sleazy...

i guess i'm looking for the chicken sh1t way of raising the subject of whether she's interested or not?...

LegacyUser

friendzone wrote: »

thanks for the replies lads.
I'm not completely useless at the whole dating thing but it just seems like the girls I fancy don't fancy me, and the girls that are into me, I'm not into them...

Is'nt that always the way! Its just life though...

friendzone wrote: »

i realise that this is probably because I behave differently with girls I fancy a lot, i guess I should've attempted to "drop the head" on the 2nd date. I maybe should've tried on 1st date too but it wasn't a straight forward situation.

1st date, should be at least a kiss on the lips unless you are purely meeting as friends. Though at the same time that does'nt mean much.

friendzone wrote: »

she texts me loads of times during the day and a couple of calls too. i've sugeested a date which would involve a long drive so a friend thinks i should suggest staying over at a hotel, not for anything sleazy, but it would at least raise the subject. any thoughts?

I think your flogging a dead horse here, so what happens if you go along and book a hotel+petrol+drinks etc, thats €200 a lot of time/effort to travel etc. Then at the end of the night you make a lunge for her and she backs off laughing saying "don't be silly!"
You need to press the issue, take a risk... text her saying "well lets meet up and have drinks at the hotel i'm staying in, and by the way you won't need Pj's! ;-)" If she replies "great can't wait" then things look good, or if she replies "I will be going home after the drinks" then you have your answer, don't waste anymore of your time and just keep her as a FB pal...

canonball5

I think your flogging a dead horse here, so what happens if you go along and book a hotel+petrol+drinks etc, thats €200 a lot of time/effort to travel etc. Then at the end of the night you make a lunge for her and she backs off laughing saying "don't be silly!"
You need to press the issue, take a risk... text her saying "well lets meet up and have drinks at the hotel i'm staying in, and by the way you won't need Pj's! ;-)" If she replies "great can't wait" then things look good, or if she replies "I will be going home after the drinks" then you have your answer, don't waste anymore of your time and just keep her as a FB pal...[/QUOTE]


Jesus Christ I hope thats a joke.Dude you need to know where you stand before you head down.She clearly knows you're interested now why would you be driving all that way!!You need to put the charm on and play it cool.
I would joke about it with her now,I bet she is confussed about you too.I would ask her if she is "as good a kisser as her sister" just put the charm on so she is in no doubt!!Good Luck!!

SirDelboy18

Its like a video game. You can't jump to level 10 unless you have completed all the other levels.

Which is the position you have put yourself in. If you go for too much now you will seem like a creep. If you don't go for it then you're her friend.

Even if you do go for something reasonable it will be unbearably awkward because intimacy was made into this big elephant in the room.

When you first met her, you should have been more physical. I'm not saying try to feel up the poor girl, but get her used to your touch. When talking, put your hand on her back or shoulder, slowly progress from there.

It may seem wierd to do this to a girl you are meeting for the first time, and you'll just have to work through it.

You are still on level 1 when you should at least be on level 7 by now. Give up and move on. There are plenty more women to attempt to build relationships with. ( Sorry for the video game analagy by the way, it is just similar is all. )

You aren't extremely emotionally invested in the situation yet. If you keep spending money, keep going out, keep doing things, then you will be and it will be infinitely harder to walk away.

So do yourself a favour and move on. I know you liked her, but learn from it and let go. Around 3 billion other women on the planet

Edit -

You can't ask her is she as good a kisser as her sister. She'll think you kissed the sister. Even if she doesn't, she'll think what a strange thing to say. It sounds really wierd. I don't see how you can feasibly transform from this shy, hands to himself guy, to this touchy sexual lothario without everything being extremely awkward.

friendzone wrote: »

thanks for the replies lads.
I'm not completely useless at the whole dating thing but it just seems like the girls I fancy don't fancy me, and the girls that are into me, I'm not into them...

Well thats basic psychology. The girls you don't like find you attractive because you don't want them. The girls you like don't want you because you obviously want them. So just act like you don't want the attractive girls!

Chucky the tree

I'm no expext myself, but I feel sorry for single women in Ireland if this is the type of ****e they have to deal with. The girl clearly likes you, no one texts and calls a person this up if they no sexual interest in them at all if they've only known each other a short time. Don't try and force the issue either, you'll just make yourself uncomfortable and then you might make the situation a bit awkward. On the next date just take her out for a few drinks and relax and see where it goes.

LegacyUser

Chucky the tree wrote: »

I'm no expext myself, but I feel sorry for single women in Ireland if this is the type of ****e they have to deal with. The girl clearly likes you, no one texts and calls a person this up if they no sexual interest in them at all if they've only known each other a short time. Don't try and force the issue either, you'll just make yourself uncomfortable and then you might make the situation a bit awkward. On the next date just take her out for a few drinks and relax and see where it goes.

Cheers for the reply Chucky, this was actually the kind of reply I was hoping for, some gentle support lol

I dunno what to think, she's a lovely person, works in an area where she helps people so, in my head, it's possible she would be texting and calling this much just to be friends but I guess in reality she's on POF so she's actively looking for someone to kiss and cuddle so if she wasn't interested she wouldn't be reciprocating my attempts.

I think it's just a matter of me initiating some physical contact next time...

Nevyn

Look bottom line you can flirt online all you line but you won't know if the sexual chemistry is there on both sides until you meet in person and even if when you meet it is there that doesn't mean she will want to have sex with you right away.

If you want a relationship then go see her and see how thing go, if you just want to hook up for sex then tell her that and don't be surprised if you get turned down.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

Look bottom line you can flirt online all you line but you won't know if the sexual chemistry is there on both sides until you meet in person and even if when you meet it is there that doesn't mean she will want to have sex with you right away.

If you want a relationship then go see her and see how thing go, if you just want to hook up for sex then tell her that and don't be surprised if you get turned down.

Hey man I never said anything about hooking up for sex, I met a girl I find very attarctive and would love to start something with her. I just wanted opinions on whether she was into me or saw me as a friend...

Nevyn

None of us have a magic ball which can tell you that, you just have to go on a date, try kiss her and see how it goes.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

None of us have a magic ball which can tell you that, you just have to go on a date, try kiss her and see how it goes.

I wasn't asking for a magic ball, just... some opinions... on a public forum... where people can give them...

Nevyn

And that is mine, on one posting here can be sure, only way to know is to go out on a proper date and talk to her about taking steps towards a real relationship.

Monkey Allen

Thaedydal wrote: »

And that is mine, on one posting here can be sure, only way to know is to go out on a proper date and talk to her about taking steps towards a real relationship.

But they have met up? They do already know if they are attracted to each other. I think you misread the original post.

Just to add to what I said before, maybe going for a drink isnt the best choice right now. Bowling 'might' involve some body contact as you pass each other when the next persons up to bowl. Sitting across each other in a pub puts the pressure on you to entertain without being able to touch her.

Also, tell her you like her. Say to her that you were surprised to find someone online that you are attracted to and has a personality to match. If its destined to end, it'll end shortly after that.

MissOphelia

SirDelboy18 wrote: »

Should have been more than a peck on the cheek. That majorly put you on the back-foot. Made intimacy this big elephant in the room.

"Should I touch?"
"Is it okay to touch"
"If I try to take her hand how will she react?"

These questions shouldn't have existed beyond 20 minutes into the first meeting IMO. You're no longer a sexual prospect in her eyes IMO

Not unsavable, but mightily difficult. The odds are really stacked against you

I could be wrong but guessing most of the replies are from males, thats why I'm having such a giggle:D..
If any guy tried to touch me or do more than a peck on the cheek after a first date they would definitely not get a second date!! OP you have done nothing wrong at all, in fact you're moving things along at the right pace,
so well done you..
Forget the hotel for now its way too early. What about a winter picnic in a scenic and private setting? Very romantic and could not be mistaken as meeting as friends.
Put some thought and effort into the contents of the picnic basket too and she'll be so impressed! Oh and don't be shy!!!

Monkey Allen

MissOphelia wrote: »

I could be wrong but guessing most of the replies are from males, thats why I'm having such a giggle:D..
If any guy tried to touch me or do more than a peck on the cheek after a first date they would definitely not get a second date!! OP you have done nothing wrong at all, in fact you're moving things along at the right pace,
so well done you..
Forget the hotel for now its way too early. What about a winter picnic in a scenic and private setting? Very romantic and could not be mistaken as meeting as friends.
Put some thought and effort into the contents of the picnic basket too and she'll be so impressed! Oh and don't be shy!!!

The OP does want to make physical contact with this girl though and so should make a move. If she doesn't want that then she should let him know. Its a two way thing, not simply about doing whatever it takes to get the girl. If the OP wants to have a picnic with this girl then he should do that. If he thinks it would be boring, then dont. Start as you mean to progress. Otherwise, you could end up with having to do the picnic thing more times than you can stand.

MissOphelia

Friendzone wrote: »

Hey man I never said anything about hooking up for sex, I met a girl I find very attarctive and would love to start something with her. I just wanted opinions on whether she was into me or saw me as a friend...

I think he's trying to find out if she just sees him just as a friend or would like more.
OP You can initiate physical contact very easily if you're outdoors and walking..holding hands, arm around waist etc and of course by kissing. You'll just have to go for it OP! But from what you've said she is interested or she wouldn't be responding to your texts etc

SirDelboy18

MissOphelia wrote: »

I could be wrong but guessing most of the replies are from males, thats why I'm having such a giggle:D..
If any guy tried to touch me or do more than a peck on the cheek after a first date they would definitely not get a second date!! OP you have done nothing wrong at all, in fact you're moving things along at the right pace,
so well done you..
Forget the hotel for now its way too early. What about a winter picnic in a scenic and private setting? Very romantic and could not be mistaken as meeting as friends.
Put some thought and effort into the contents of the picnic basket too and she'll be so impressed! Oh and don't be shy!!!

If they did it right they would. If a girl got uncomfortable by a hand on the shoulder on the first date then theres no way they'd get a second date

SirDelboy18

MissOphelia wrote: »

I could be wrong but guessing most of the replies are from males, thats why I'm having such a giggle:D..
If any guy tried to touch me or do more than a peck on the cheek after a first date they would definitely not get a second date!! OP you have done nothing wrong at all, in fact you're moving things along at the right pace,
so well done you..
Forget the hotel for now its way too early. What about a winter picnic in a scenic and private setting? Very romantic and could not be mistaken as meeting as friends.
Put some thought and effort into the contents of the picnic basket too and she'll be so impressed! Oh and don't be shy!!!

If they did it right they would. If a girl got uncomfortable by a hand on the shoulder on the first date then theres no way they'd get a second date.

MissOphelia wrote: »

I think he's trying to find out if she just sees him just as a friend or would like more.
OP You can initiate physical contact very easily if you're outdoors and walking..holding hands, arm around waist etc and of course by kissing. You'll just have to go for it OP! But from what you've said she is interested or she wouldn't be responding to your texts etc

He can't initiate physical contact easily because they haven't done it before. Its incredibly awkward now! He is wondering how she will respond when he should be past this stage! Its a bit strange if, despite never having any physical contact before, a guy grabs your hand out of the blue or puts his hand around your waist on the 3rd or 4th date, or tries to kiss you.

This is stuff that they should be used to. As I said in an earlier post, its not about feeling the girl up, just establishing a level of natural physical contact, hand on the shoulder while talking etc. Its not like people are recommending him to be aggressively physical!

LegacyUser

Update: So we've met several times since I first posted the question and basically she wanted to get to know me better before moving from friends to something more.

We went out this weekend and kissed for the first time and it was great. She's a lovely person and even though it's such early days, it's looking very promising. Fingers crossed it works out...

prickleberry

Friendzone wrote: »

Update: So we've met several times since I first posted the question and basically she wanted to get to know me better before moving from friends to something more.

We went out this weekend and kissed for the first time and it was great. She's a lovely person and even though it's such early days, it's looking very promising. Fingers crossed it works out...

Happy to hear that OP, good luck.

mood

If she agreed to another date she is most likely interested. (I'm female b the way)