How to get your Mojo ?

LegacyUser

31 yr old single male who has never had a girlfriend.

I was going to say "how to get your Mojo back" but I don't think I've ever had a Mojo when it comes to girls.

Sorry if this seems self-obsessed but my problem is this: I've never felt sexually desirable to a woman. I mean - I don't know how a woman would look at me and feel a stirring (or whatever girls feel !) in the sexual dept.

I think this is a major contributor to my perpetual single status.

TBH, singleness per se is fine with me. I can manage perfectly well as a singleton. I've always been very independent and can be completely content on my own.

It's just that I feel like I'm missing out on 2 of Life's greatest pleasures:

A. A Sex Life.
B. An emotional bond with someone. Like I've only ever experienced unrequited love - I've never been "in love" with someone. And I would like to be in love - at some point. I feel like I have a lot to give in that dept.

I've only ever kissed maybe 2 girls while out in Nite Clubs. That's it. There was zero sexual experimentation (involving other people! hehe) as a teenager and I feel like I would like to make up all that ground somehow.

Thinking about it now, I can think back to say 3 times when a girl was obviously coming on me (one time we were actually sharing the same bed - that's how bad I am !) - the girl in question went as far as she could and much further than the majority of girls would I imagine in trying to seduce me. I can see that now. But at the time, I just felt nothing or very little - I didn't feel as if it was actually happening. I was kinda lifeless - which was obviously a real bummer for the girl involved.

The thing is when I recall those happenings, the thought of it would make me really horny and I'd wish that chance would come again. It seems as if I'm more comfortabe with fantasies and literally don't have the balls to make the most of real-life potential sexual encounters. It's not that I don't have a sex-drive. I do - a strong one. I feel urges every day.

And I'm not Gay. I honestly gave that some thought and even visited a Gay Sauna out of curiousity - just to see if I felt anything in that area and I didn't - so I can say with certainly I am not Gay.

I see teenage lads getting girls pregnant in my town and I just wish I had an ounce of their sexual gumption or confidence or whatever.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

Delancey

What about your friends ? Are they in a similar position to yourself ?
Have you discussed your situation with them and if so , what is their opinion ?

I ask all these questions as perhaps those closest to you might be able to give some valuable insight.

It is positive that you would like to change - accepting the status quo could well turn out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. The fact that you have experienced '' unrequited love '' is good in my opinion - it shows you do have an interest but I suspect you may be lacking in the confidence needed to follow through.

finbarrk

Just buy 'The Game' , Nick Strauss is the author.

LegacyUser

Don't have a large circle of friends.. but I'm going to be Groomsman for my best friend who is getting married next Autumn. Most of my more casual friends, seem to "score" pretty regularly and enjoy themselves.

My brother, on a night out, once said to me that I'm unsuited to our Midlands home town and I should travel abroad and live in a more happening place. I wouldn't mind living abroad but surely I should be able to meet a girl in an average sized Irish town. Meeting a lover/gf shouldn't require emigration ?

He also said that I come across too "serious" - and there might be something in that. I've had Social Anxiety for as long as I can remember and tend to freeze up in Social situations. It's getting much better now as I get older (the Social Anxiety) but I can definitely see how it held me back in the past.

I have "The Game" and "The Mystery Method". Started reading both but didn't finish either. I don't want to bed 100 georgeous women. One would do for now. I don't like the contrived bull**** nature of the Pickup community. I want a Girl to like me for me - not for me playing a role. That's not beyond my reach I hope.

Josh_Calvert

2nd on the game....it's a great starter book for guys who are baffled by the sex/women/relationships thing.

if it's any consolation, women and sex are both overrated.

LegacyUser

OP, your question 'Meeting a lover/gf shouldn't require emigration ? ' made me laugh out loud.

I think what you need is practice. Join some interest groups and trial and error and you will eventually find the woman.

I know you need just one girl who accept who you are, but you need to reach out and find her. I really appreciate you comment that you dont want to bed 100 women. I think you are really a gentleman.

The girl who came onto you, well, did you like her? Would it be that you did not like her much so you could not react in the situation?

Some people are late starter, I know a man who is now 80 and he got married at 43 with a girl next door. You are a late starter as well. I hope love will find you soon.

LegacyUser

I think you're right... I havn't been reaching out enough.

I think I'm kind of a Romantic in that I want to find a woman through natural means.. i.e. chemistry, flirtation etc and not through a role play of what the Pick-up Artists say has a high percentage of working. "Working" in their minds seems to mean getting into her knickers.
For example, one of their main tools is a thing called a "neg". This involves going up to an Attractive woman and mildly insulting her on purpose - the idea being that nobody has probably ever said that to her before and therefore she'll immediately see you're a man of backbone and taste and want to bring you to the toilets straightaway. I mean come on.

I've no problem teasing a girl or poking fun at her in a playful way when we both know we're just playing with other - but going up to a Stranger and hitting at her self-image as an opening gambit ? Emm... no.. there must be better ways than that.

John Keats said something along the lines of "Poetry should come naturally or not at all". However, his contemporaries said that he sweated blood over each line he wrote - so he didn't just spurt out great poetry like a sneeze.

I do think I need to make more effort. Especially as it is normally the Man who must make the first move - Women seem to be more reluctant to make that initial contact.

Interest groups are a great idea. I would like to get a hill-walking or running club for starters. My mother even suggested Macra na Feirme - but I'm a townie so I mightn't be eligible ?

As regards the girl in the bed who tried to seduce me - well she was my first and last Adult unrequited love victim (haha). I thought she was perfection incarnate. STUNNINGLY beautiful. She was living in Italy and invited me over to visit. After a long day of travelling for me, we ended up in the same bed. She looked amazing and we were in a beautiful bed in a beautiful apartment and she had some freckles on her face from the Italian sun.. and she wore a lovely lacey nightwear thing... but I just couldn't accept that she wanted me in THAT way - because basically I thought she was lightyears ahead of me in the sexual attractiveness dept... so nothing happened. When that should have been my first and greatest sexual encounter up to that point in my life. I mean the Lady and location were stunning and memorable for the rest of my life - but I just didn't have the balls.

miec

I don't like the contrived bull**** nature of the Pickup community. I want a Girl to like me for me - not for me playing a role. That's not beyond my reach I hope.

Excellent point Op and that in itself will hold you in good stead. Having read your posts I see you have a really good sense of humour and a good sense of yourself. I think meeting people via the pub/club scene works for some people and not for others. Would you consider meeting people through the internet (along side joining clubs etc) as you might get chatting to a serious type of girl who suits you and shares similar interests. As to worrying about how some woman would fancy you or feel lust for you, believe me it happens, pretty much with most of us. If a woman wants to go out with you, hold hands, be affectionate, etc, etc, it is a clear indication she fancies you / likes you and the rest falls in naturally.

Mr. Loverman

Are you doing everything to make yourself physically attractive?

In shape
Nice skin
Nice hairstyle
Nice clothes
Clean teeth
Good posture
Etc.

Feeling good about your appearance will make you feel more confident which will make you appear more attractive.

Dreedle

HI MojoHunter,

I can understand to a certain extent what your talking about . reading your post was as if i wrote it myself . Im 28 and in the same boat ... haven't had a gf in nearly.. ( cringe ) 12 years .


I suffer a little from Social Anxiety as well ... it was funny i was out the other night at a new years eve party and i must have looked really serious /nervous and somebody came over to me and asked me to "stop praying " .. dooh

I think what the rest of the people who replied to your post is have the right idea.
Getting out more and getting involved in groups is a good idea along with physically
exercise which is something im trying to do more myself .

anyway - best of luck with it .

killerking

Hi OP,

You are not going to get together with a lady if you have this appallingly negative attitude. You have no right to complain about being on your own because it is you who is the reason this has happened - you appear to have completely given up, you come across as extremely self-centered, extremely narcissistic and you can't handle rejection without taking it personally.

If you want a woman all you do is go up to her and start talking. No plan. No game. No tricks. You just go right up, smile, say hi, start chatting, go for a drink or a coffee or a walk and you both just talk and talk and talk and get to know each other and one things leads to another.

Your problem is you just have no patience at all. You want sex right away.

LegacyUser

Thanks all for your points of view and advice.

Although have to say KillerKing is a bit off the mark.

I lack confidence when it comes to women - which is not the same thing as being negative. I love women and thank God we have them.

It would be great if we were all full of beans, bouncing off the walls and "opening" (i.e. chatting up in Pick-up terms) every hot female we come across. But that isn't my style.

I'm not complaining about being single - I'm just looking for advice on how to get my mojo in regards to the opposite sex.

I won't take off-the-mark judgements (e.g. me wanting sex straightaway etc) from someone who doesn't know me. I may be soft when it comes to women but I'm not an open receptacle for you to dump your angst on. If you havn't something helpful to say, keep it to yourself.

A sincere thank you to everyone else. I know no-one else is to blame for my lack of experience. Hell - I don't think being inexperienced with the opposite sex is a crime ? I'd just like to get things moving in that dept is all.

Happy New Year to all ! (who have read this far ! hehe)

LegacyUser

I think stress would have a lot to do with it, and also you may be too hard on yourself, too high expectations, performance anxiety perhaps. try and find a place where you can dance a slow set or even go to some dancing classes, and just keep with the beginners classes, get into your body more, and less in your head....when this happens it will be less headwreaking.

Perhaps network a little...do your sisters have any nice friends.....I think smiling can help a lot, and maybe you might realise that some women are afraid you might reject them. Also loosening up the spine a bit might help get the Kundalini going!

Just my two cents.

LegacyUser

Sorry bit of a hurry here, work ending

I was in a very similar situation myself

Heres the advice I can offer

If you do go to a pub, go with a mate you trust and you can drink a little (not too much) and then force yourself to say hi to a girl, make a bet with him, he picks the girl, you just go up and buy a drink or whatever.. gotta force yourself, sorry man, but its gotta be done.

I am not saying you will meet the love of your life in a bar, far from it, it will help if you do see the love of your life in a supermarket

It can make a night out fun, but you gotta have a good single mate who you can be real honest with




Otherwise, there are plenty of 'other' options

Go online, try a dating site, or just even 'chatting' to a girl online, plenty out there, some unbelievably normal and nice (and hot even), and yes you can really hit it off with someone, easier to be yourself, but keep your wits, a lot of weirdos and yadda yadda

Go travel if you aren't tied down, American and Canadian girls love Irish guys - these were the first girls I started meeting mainly - you could go to the far east where they love white guys; etc

Yes i understand all the romantic notions of being genuine and meeting being natural - yes, but that can HOLD YOU BACK SO MUCH, trust me on this, you also have to grow a pair of balls and say okay i am just going to say hi to some girls and fail.. doing it and failing is 1000 times better than not doing anything - yes I know i sound like those pickup artist jerks, but its very true.. trust me

I can tell you have a very sound nice personality, if you look after yourself, hygenic, dress fairly well then there is no reason you can't meet someone special.. but they do NOT come to you, thats only in bull**** films.. it doesnt happen (well it did to me twice but whatever heheh)

gotta run good luck dude!

LegacyUser

Just wanted to say thanks Guys for taking the effort to reply.

I WILL take it all on board !

Nite.

johnnyvega86

The only way to get good with women is go out and talk to women.
It's all trial and error.
The more women you talk to, the better you get.
It's a learning curve.
If you don't talk to women regularly, then it's like any other activity, you will never get good at it and you go backward.
A professional footballer has been playing since he was a young boy and all that hard work produces results.
A scientists has to study and train for years and years.
A singer needs to train his voice and to get over stage fright.
A guy who is good with women chats up women any chance he can get and his accumulated experience means he has little or no difficulty in having women in his life. He will experience acute embarrassment and will mess up again and again until it just comes naturally.
Nobody can teach you what to do, you just have do it yourself.

JimmyCrackCorn

finbarrk wrote: »

Just buy 'The Game' , Nick Strauss is the author.

Highly recommend that book as a place to start and a fantastic read.

I read it over a year or so ago when I realised I wanted to change a few things.
I have since passed it on to another friend who asked what I did and how.

woolymammoth

MojoHunter wrote: »

I've never felt sexually desirable to a woman.

There, i summarised your original post to what i think the real issue is.

You think you're not desirable to women. This, i think, is your biggest hurdle, a mindset you've allowed yourself to develop and you need to get rid of it. You've said you've had ladies, even if only a few. But it is > 0!!

Obviously it's easy for me to say this, i have no doubt it will be more difficult for you, but you need to allow yourself to overcome the social anxiety by placing yourself in a position just outside your comfort zone, and you need to erase the self image you have of being undesirable. And by that i mean, you don't have to think of yourself being desirable, just don't think about yourself being desirable or undesirable. Erase the idea completely!

The other way to help yourself is what i call the fight club method, where you chat up every chick you see (no fighting!!) until you don't care about talking to them, chatting them up, or getting turned down. you even get wise to good chatting up! :cool:

nickobrien1985

Evict your inner wussy - I mean show up and kick it out.

Approach, approach, approach - 10 approaches in one night. Yes loads of women will tell you to get lost but it happens to us all.
Go through that pain barrier.

If you get rejected you haven't failed you've learned.

Build up your self-esteem, self-confidence, internal picture of yourself, rid yourself of social anxiety.
This is a slow and incremental process, there are no magic pills. You have to make a commitment to yourself to do whatever it takes to get to there.

Stop making identity meaning out of external events.

Get some trendy clothes, not a conservative shirt and slacks, stand out.

Learn how to approach women, don't diss any PUA stuff, some is real good.

Hit the gym, do cardio, do weights, have a proper diet. Proper hygiene, aftershave, haircut, etc. It still shocks me the amount of Irish lads with dirty teeth, poor dress sense, and who've never seen the inside of a gym.

panda100

Op,you sound like such a catch. You have a great sense of humour and you can even quote Keats!What women wouldn't swoon at that!

Please,please don't try any of the PUA bullsh*t. Having men insult you on a night out is horrible and it will just make you look like a prize prat.

I would be in total agreement with your brother here. I don't think you have to emigrate but moving to Dublin or Cork would really widen your net of available women and especially those interested in more 'serious' men. When I lived in Limerick I found it very difficult to meet anyone. All the men I met seemed to be only interested in doing triathlons, going out and talking about frivilous things like holidays. I am someone who hates having the same superficial conversations with people on nights out and would rather talk aout something a bit deeper. Without generalisng, in many Irish towns is your not 'up for the craic' all the time and a bit more serious, you kinda don't fit in completely.

If you move to one of the bigger city's, such a sDublin, there will be different groups meeting most of the week that wil cater to your interests. The more than you get chatting to women the more comofrtable you will feel and the more likely you will make a move.

nickobrien1985

man do look into PUA.

Especially things to do with your self-esteem, confidence. It has helped tonnes of men.

What the heck is wrong with doing triathlons ?