depression, relationship, disclosure/ honesty

LegacyUser

I've been depressed on and off over the past few years, have been working really hard with a counsellor, and trying to move past it and get completely better.
It seems to be worse in teh winter - during this summer, i weaned myself completely off meds and had a great time, met a new guy and it felt like things were finally falling into place for me after a very tough 10 years or so (long story, but things have been difficult for many reasons, mainly a stressful lifestyle that is not so easy to change).

Anyway, as the clocks changed and days got darker, i could feel myself slipping again into darker moods, things getting on top of me, stress that had been taken away in teh summer was back on top of me, and i was anxious about little things, getting very upset for not very big issues or things that happened. I saw my gp and she advised me to restart meds, which i resisted for a little while (i asked her to do other tests etc first, but nothing showed up). I asked her about revealling all this to my new bf, as i felt he would need to know why i was behaving differently. She said that it was far too soon to let him know this (3ish months into relationship). So I said nothing, and things just fell apart between us - i'd be anxious if he didnt' call, certain he was going to finish with me. He let me down on an arranged date one evening, and I got quite annoyed about it. He sulked for a couple of days, and once i'd accepted his apology, we met to talk about things. He basically said, he'd been wrong in what he did, but that the older he gets the less effort he feels like putting into relationships - it's not a priority for him. Things were only ok after that - we'd meet up, then he announced he was heading away for 2 weeks, and while he was gone contact was very limited. When he came back we met a couple of times, then he ended it literally just before christmas. He said that it wasn't over the 'incident' but that something 'wasn't right' and he wanted to finish it before we ended up hating each other. He also implied that I hadn't been honest about what I wanted from the relationship, which I can't understand - surely all anyone wants is to know that they are cared about?
Anyway, I wasn't surprised at this stage, but was extremely hurt at his freezing me out and refusing to discuss things/ put any effort into the relationship, and also at his timing - this has literally been teh worst christmas i can remember.

What's bugging me is the whole depression thing and whether i should have told him early on - obviously i haven't been quite myself, and I do tend to mull things over. I also have a lot of difficulty addressing things that might bother me, I can't seem to verbalise what's on my mind... so I realise that something wasn't 'right' for the last few weeks, but i'd like to know what he meant, and wonder whether we should have another chat to give me more clarity?? i'm not trying to get him back, i actually think i can move beyond us not being together, but i'm upset at his unilateral approach, and i think i'm also blaming myself, wondering if i'd let him in on my situation if maybe things would have turned out differently...

LegacyUser

Hi, OP, I understand how you feel. We all do think of 'what if' when things dont go well.

But look forward instead of backward, my friend.

Do you know where he was those two weeks? Are you sure he's not trying with someone else?

If you really want to have a chat with him, just go and do it, rather than regret yourself. But remember you may be rejected and it would hurt if he rejected you even for a chat. If you think you can handle the rejection or ignorance from him, you can try to talk to him

All the best.

dan_d

Op, I can't give you much advise about your relationship, but I will say that I understand the depression at this time of year thing - it's something that also affects me.
I hope things work out for you.

LegacyUser

I'm pretty sure he isn't with anyone else - although it's only a matter of time, he seems to move on pretty quickly, something I didn't know when we got together first.
His trip was to visit family in another country.

I suppose if I could rephrase the question - anyone who has depression, do you disclose in a new relationship, how soon, and what has been your experience of this?

LegacyUser

Hi OP, Im regularly on here so no username for this one.

To try to help you I'l tell my own story in as few sentences as I can.

My marriage ended mainly because of my wifes depression, - no, because of the way in which we both dealt with it.
She had suffered from it a few times before I met her and I was never told, I felt lied to about this, although I still would have probably married her.
She refused to seek help for it until it had gotten very very bad, and by then it was so deeply ingrained that treatment had little effect.
I attempted to be supportive, and to keep the show on the road for a long time, but 3 years later I was totally exhausted and then : Its my fault that she's depressed and its my lack of support and understanding that are preventing her recovery. She fell into drinking too much and verbal abuse followed. We didnt last very long after that.

Now, three months is in my opinion too short a time before you tell someone that you suffer from depression if its not causing huge problems at the time, but you do need to tell a partner before they make big life decisions.

In this case I think there is other stuff going on with your ex anyway, so it may be that your illness had nothing to do with what happened, but it is possible he guessed, and some people flee sickness of any type. Communication is your friend here.

Im not going to try to decode or dissect what happened in my own case, its different from yours and you or other posters can decide to take something or nothing from it.

I wish you well, and I might add for support that 3 years on again from our separation, my ex appears to be doing well and is in a relationship.