Lost Hope

LegacyUser

Hi,

Where do I start. I'm 40 male , have a job, car, good health, savings, in otherwords lot's of thing to be grateful for.
I'm single, shy, live in a remotish country area with my parents. I have a sister and brother who I gt on well with, and I also get on well with my parents.
I'm depressed, lonely and ashamed of being depressed. In my job I am a master of "disguise" I can put on my "happy face" and all is well.
I was always a "solitary" person, even in school, I did have friends, but lost contact with them as some emigrated etc back in the day. Funny thing is I get on well with people, am liked in work and by neighbours etc.

I have been on Seroxat since I was 23. I can go for months at a time whn everything is great, then bang, I can actually feel depression encroaching.

Lately I have been down about being 40 and still living at home etc. I feel as though I have done nothing with my life. My parents are now getting elderly but are healthy thank god, I do all I can for them and my sister who lives away is always telling me that if it wasn't for me they wouldn't have the same standard of living they have now.
But it's like a thought in your head going around in circles...40...old...boring...life unfulfilled..what if, what if?
For anyone who hasn't been depressed I know this sounds like self indulgent bull****.
I don't know why I think so much, why I'm so sensitive to stuf that others wouldn't give a second thought to.
I've no skeletons in the closet that I know of, no murky dark secrets and have led a largely uneventful, straightforwrd life where I have tried to do the right thing, like everyone, I haven't always got it right and have mad mistakes, but nothing serious.

On the bright side I've never comtemplated suicide, I often have felt that I would be better off dead, but my love of my family and innate respect for life prevents any such action being seriously considered. I'm a Catholic but rarely go to mass nowadays, all the sex abuse scandals etc have sickened my stomach to be honest. I do believe in God, and do hope there is an afterlife of some sort.

With my work and hobbies I have always ben busy and interested in other things, and somehow leaving home or what way other people viewed me never bothered me. But lately I have a feeling of "is this it?" is this "all there is".
Regards relationships, I have had two , one of which as serious, but my partner did not want the same things as me (she was seperated and had done it all) so we went our seperate ways.

I am also conscious that having depression may be a big stumbling block in any potential relationship, although I can and do function normally in and outside of work.

I realise we are all responsible for our own happiness, I know there is no magic wand that anyone can wave and make everything ok, I also know that not everyone is destined to "find" someone. This awareness I have of all these facts don't however make things any better when I'm "down".

I try to hide my bouts/episodes from my nearest and dearest as best I can, as I feel guilty about it, but by now they can usually tell. I've tried so hard to be happy, to be content and happy with my lot, but fel as though I'm outside looking in, I admire people who have suffered adversity and hardship, who have reared families etc, I feel that in comparison I am nothing.

I don't really know what I want anyone to say, or what anyone can say. If you haven't been in my boot's though please don't judge.
What can I do, I can't go on like this forever, life is for living, and I'm only existing.

miec

I really feel for you reading your post. The first thing that struck me was how articulate you are. That to me reveals clear thinking and an intelligence. Like you I have suffered depression most of my life, however, mine is a situational depression, what I mean by that is that circumstances (pretty hard ones at that) caused it. I am not sure if this is the case with you or whether yours is a clinical depression but the overwhelming feeling I got from your post is three things 1) you think nothing of you and who you are 2) so far you have created a small and safe life 3) you try to please everyone around you, doing the right thing, being the right neighbour etc but where is you in all of that?

I am not sure if you know what you want from life, but it is clear you do not want this. So I would take it step by step.

Do you like the work you do? Does it interest or bore you? If it is because its a job and sure aren't I lucky etc, that is not a reason to like or stay in your job. I'm not saying jack it in, I'm just saying go for what you like / love.

Do you like living with your parents? Honestly now? Are you with them because you need to be with them, ie: they would be lost without you etc. I'm going to be pretty harsh here, you are not responsible for your parents welfare. You are responsible for your own happiness. Your parents have each other, you have them but its not the same. There is a history in rural Ireland of one son or daughter staying with the parents until they die and then living alone with no one, do you want that for you (I suggest reading The Great Hunger by Patrick Kavanagh - its a scary poem but might be the wake up call you need: I'm sure you can google it without buying the poem). The thing is 40 is not that old, it is still quite young (I'll be 40 next year) and its never too late to change things. You can still keep a good relationship with your family, but it is important that you do not become the family martyr, sacrificing your needs for the family.

It sounds to me like you have little or no friends, but can be friendly and affable with people around you. Its easy to be friendly with strangers, it is much harder to maintain relationships or friendships because people get to see the real you. My depression has driven people away, that is a painful thing to realise but also I have been proactive in my healing too. I have gone to counselling and found some of it beneficial. Not every counsellor worked out for me but I kept going until I found the right one for me and the healing has been amazing. I also had group therapy and witnessed other people healing, people with long term depression who had been on medication for donkey years. It can really work.

What about hobbies? What interests you? Would you like a romantic relationship? Can you have one and tell the woman (in time that is) that you have depression. Many women are very understanding, my ex had depression and I was able to accept it, he just couldn't handle mine. The thing is can you find a way of accepting who you are now whilst simultaneously building up a life that you choose for yourself.

The fact that you have recognised that you want to change your life is a step in the right direction. You don't need to be ashamed of depression and I'd start telling people that I don't feel too good today but that you know it will pass. It makes you more real instead of just hiding behind the mask (maybe that is a nutso suggestion on my part but it might be worth a try with your family to begin with).

foxinsox

hi there,

I have those boots too...

So I am in no way going to judge you. In fact nearly everything you've written rings home to me and makes sense. I don't know if I am any good at giving advice or inspiring ideas for you.

But I will say to you that you are not alone, I'm same age as you, and know what you mean. I also have lost touch with some friends for the same reasons and I also think that when most of your friends get married and have kids, as a single person they think that you are having the life of rielly!! :rolleyes: Aren't you so lucky to be able to go out whenever you want..etc..

You are very lucky to get on with your parents and siblings, I am also very lucky in this regard and couldn't do it without them.

I know what you mean about being able to feel the depression coming on, that happens to me, when it does I try to be aware of it and maybe spoil myself a bit, baths, shopping, go for a walk, call a friend I haven't chatted to for a while or sometimes watch a crap movie and have a cry.

I think that one of the symptoms of depression is to think everything to death, over analyse everything, like you say..what if? Meditation is good for this or read a book.. I try to distract my brain as much as possible when I can feel this setting in.

As for relationships.. I don't know the answer to that either, to be honest with you (and myself) I feel that sometimes I have been my own worst enemy by over thinking everything about a relationship and maybe finishing it off before it even begins, I think I'm convinced it will fail.

The most important thing I will say to you though is that many people feel confused with their life and that they should or should not be doing with it.

I personally think the difference with me is that because I am single and have no children I have time to think and think whereas my friends all run around like headless chickens after their kids and very rarely have time to themselves to think.

Try going for a walk each day half an hour at least, I find this great and really makes a difference.

Remember this time of year is usually a bit crap, I find it so too and can't wait to get back to work and normality.

I hope you feel a bit better soon and remember you can always come on here for a rant, people do care and maybe someone else here might have more helpful advice.

Take Care

killerking

In Trouble wrote: »

Hi,

Where do I start. I'm 40 male , have a job, car, good health, savings, in otherwords lot's of thing to be grateful for.
I'm single, shy, live in a remotish country area with my parents. I have a sister and brother who I gt on well with, and I also get on well with my parents.
I'm depressed, lonely and ashamed of being depressed. In my job I am a master of "disguise" I can put on my "happy face" and all is well.
I was always a "solitary" person, even in school, I did have friends, but lost contact with them as some emigrated etc back in the day. Funny thing is I get on well with people, am liked in work and by neighbours etc.

I have been on Seroxat since I was 23. I can go for months at a time whn everything is great, then bang, I can actually feel depression encroaching.

Lately I have been down about being 40 and still living at home etc. I feel as though I have done nothing with my life. My parents are now getting elderly but are healthy thank god, I do all I can for them and my sister who lives away is always telling me that if it wasn't for me they wouldn't have the same standard of living they have now.
But it's like a thought in your head going around in circles...40...old...boring...life unfulfilled..what if, what if?
For anyone who hasn't been depressed I know this sounds like self indulgent bull****.
I don't know why I think so much, why I'm so sensitive to stuf that others wouldn't give a second thought to.
I've no skeletons in the closet that I know of, no murky dark secrets and have led a largely uneventful, straightforwrd life where I have tried to do the right thing, like everyone, I haven't always got it right and have mad mistakes, but nothing serious.

On the bright side I've never comtemplated suicide, I often have felt that I would be better off dead, but my love of my family and innate respect for life prevents any such action being seriously considered. I'm a Catholic but rarely go to mass nowadays, all the sex abuse scandals etc have sickened my stomach to be honest. I do believe in God, and do hope there is an afterlife of some sort.

With my work and hobbies I have always ben busy and interested in other things, and somehow leaving home or what way other people viewed me never bothered me. But lately I have a feeling of "is this it?" is this "all there is".
Regards relationships, I have had two , one of which as serious, but my partner did not want the same things as me (she was seperated and had done it all) so we went our seperate ways.

I am also conscious that having depression may be a big stumbling block in any potential relationship, although I can and do function normally in and outside of work.

I realise we are all responsible for our own happiness, I know there is no magic wand that anyone can wave and make everything ok, I also know that not everyone is destined to "find" someone. This awareness I have of all these facts don't however make things any better when I'm "down".

I try to hide my bouts/episodes from my nearest and dearest as best I can, as I feel guilty about it, but by now they can usually tell. I've tried so hard to be happy, to be content and happy with my lot, but fel as though I'm outside looking in, I admire people who have suffered adversity and hardship, who have reared families etc, I feel that in comparison I am nothing.

I don't really know what I want anyone to say, or what anyone can say. If you haven't been in my boot's though please don't judge.
What can I do, I can't go on like this forever, life is for living, and I'm only existing.

If you want a better life you are just going to have to start taking risks - you have to become more of an extrovert, get involved in local societies and clubs, you have to become more outgoing and if you want a romantic relationship you are just going to have go out there and meet women and turn on the charm big time.
Wishing things will change is not going to change things.
You have to do something about it.
Thinking negatively is holding you back.
Man up and live life dangerously.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the replies.
Lik I said, I know, only too well that there is no magic wand and that the buck stops with me.
I guess I just decided to post here to see if anyone had a similar experience, I suppose there is some sort of "reassurance" in that.

I know I need to step out of my comfortzone as life won't come knocking on my door.
Romance or relationships are not my top priority right now, how could anyone be expected to love someone who doesn't love themselves. Sorting myself out is my main priority right now.
I just feel so miserable that it's the hardest thing in the world to keep going, but somehow I always do, but as I get older it seems more difficult.

I don't smoke and don't drink...never have done since I went on Seroxat 17 years ago.

foxinsox

would you try some counselling, even for a few visits.. sometimes just saying all this stuff out loud can be a huge weight off your chest..

defnitely look into walking or some type of excercise..

maybe do a course or do some volunteering work somewhere near you..

maybe have a chat with your doctor about your meds, I have changed meds over the years and have found that helps..

don't forget new meds are being developed all the time and maybe its time for a visit to your doctor..

things will get better.. they always do.. I feel for you having a bad time now I do know and understand how you feel.

take care

Emme

OP, you have savings, so are you in a position to buy a home of your own? It needn't be that far from your parents, just a nice distance so you can live your own life and look in on your folks from time to time, every day if you want. If you don't already get help caring for your parents from your sister you should because it sounds like you're being taken for granted.