What to do..

wildatheart

I broke up with a girl around xmas 2009.
At the time I had just become unemployed amd was also going through a bout of depression which stemmed from bing sexually abused as a child.
At the time there was a lot in the news about the Murphy & Ryan reports, so that didn't help. I was in counselling and had been put on a course of anti-depressants. We had been together for 2.5 years and living together (in her house) for about a year. We broke up just before xmas.
She later told me that she couldn't handle my depression.
I also couldn't really contribute financially as my dole had not yet come through.
I ended up moving back to my family home with a sister & brother.
When I went back to collect my stuff I found a transcript of an email she had sent to her friend. In it she talked about having a 'potential suitor'.
Obiously this hurt me very much as the email had been written before we broke up.

It was Hell at first, but I slowly began to get back on my feet.
Got a new job, started going out again and seeing friends that I hadn't seen for ages. She used to complain that we never had fun, but every time I invited her out she refused as she was not very fond of my friends whom she didn't actually get a chance to know. She also used to accuse me of 'looking' at other women and flirting. This was not the case.
Pretty soon I just gave up going out at all.

In April of last year, we met up after I had lodged a thousand Euros into her account as payment towards anything I owed her from when I lived in her house. She didn't ask for it, but I thought it only fair.
We ended up getting back together and of course things were great for a short time. One day we had a conversation and I asked about the 'potential suitor', as I didn't think that it mattered as all was going well.
She made a huge deal about it and proclaimed it was 'noe of my business'.
This frustrated me a little as I believe in complete honesty and disclosure when it comes to relationships.
By chance, a short time after this I found out that the guy was her tennis partner, whom she had always put down and said she didn't like.
Basically she said he was an asshole and complained a lot about him.

I asked her if it was him and she said no. Lied straight to my face.
When I told her that I knew it was, she freaked out.
I was just bothered about her lie. I didn't care about this other guy.
I probably should've split then and there.
However, things calmed down after a while but weren't really the same and within about a month we had broken up again.
She said that she wanted to remain friends.

Shortly after this, I was diagnosed with a brain tumour.
Needless to say, it really scared me and I told her about it.
She was very loving and kind towards me and over the next while we were kissing and sleeping in the same bed etc
Kind of 'friends with benefits'.

A few weeks ago I had a major 'seizure' and ended up in hospital.
She was great and stayed with me, came to visit etc.
I got loads of tests done and thankfully it turned out that the tumour was benign. Brilliant news!
The doctors said I could go home. I was over the moon obviously.
I called to tell her. Her reaction was definitely NOT what I expected and she hung up, telling me we'd talk later.
When I called, she said she felt that she was the only one who had come to visit me and that my family and friends had not done enough.
Now, I have never been vey close to my family so I didn't really expect them too. Infact I was suprised at how many showed up and how often.
I didn't tell a lot of my friends and those who I did sent lovely wishes etc.
This was the time of the heavy snow, so I didn't expect too many visitors. Neither did I expect her to visit so often. That was her choice, but as soon as I got the 'all clear', she said we should take a 'step back'.

I called on New Years eve and she told me that there was never a chance of us being together again. All along she had said 'who knows what could happen'. So, now I'm just hurting. I know I should probably just forget about her, but she says she wants to be friends.

Thoughts anyone?

Esel

You dodged two bullets, imo.

Katgurl

Op that is great news about you getting through the brain tumour diagnosis, congrats.

Now it's a new year and a new start. That ex needs to be cut out and you need take this opportunity to look to the future.

To reflect on what you said there -
she had her next guy lined up before you were finished
she didn't want you to be with your friends
she refused be honest or considerate towards your feelings when you asked about potential suitor
she gave you flimsy reasoning for not wanting be with you a second time

all these things aren't THAT appalling on their own but altogether they scream a nightmare girlfriend. Plus you haven't said anything that good about her that may justify keeping her in your life on any level. I personally don't think it's amazing that she came visiting in hospital and then to throw a tantrum about it afterwards And try suggest other people don't care? She's the one who doesn't care but sounds like that is type of person she is - incapable of caring.

Listen there are loads of great girls out there. You should forget about this selfish b***ch and sit down and write a list of what you want 2011 to deliver.

miec

Hi Op

First off well done on turning your life around. Your post touched a nerve with me on several levels but the biggest I guess was the headwrecking ex. I was with my ex for over two years and it was make up, break up all the time. We broke up in August, he strung me along for a little while with the maybe we will get back together, I allowed this despite him treating me cruelly. In essence I deserved much better. Also as soon as we broke up he was on a dating site looking for someone else, now he was single but it still hurt. He has met someone else now and finally I feel that In am free for the first time. I have all the toxic people out of my life (like you I was abused) and I can heal and get better. 2011 is a new beginning for you and I would suggest that you have no dealings with or contact with your ex, it is the only way you can move on. You are a survivor and a really strong person having overcome so much. You deserve to be treated fairly with loyalty and respect not being messed around and lied to.

killerking

The truth is she's a miserable selfish manipulative cow. Tell her to get stuffed. You don't need this grief after what you've gone through this last year.