feeling down..

LegacyUser

Not really where to start this to be honest.. so i'll just pitch in and hope it all makes sense!

Basically I've suffered from depression for pretty much most of my adult life (I'm 31 next week). I spoke to two doctors about it and they advised me to take lexapro but I have basically refused to take any tablets.

I had a pretty **** time of it when i was a teenager with my parents - particularly my dad who messed things up with my friends a lot to the point where a lot of them pretty much avoided me for the "fun" things in life because of the inevitable grief he would cause if I was with them. As a result I wasn't really close with a lot of my friends from school etc, didn't do the sleepovers, didn't go for a few drinks when I was supposed to be staying in a friends house, never really did discos etc.

I left home when I was 17 and have basically worked since both in jobs and then went to college when I was 21 and supported myself through a degree and worked in my own business too. Since then, I've continued to operate my own businesses and earn plenty, have a lovely home, a nice car, all the toys and gadgets that I could want, a girlfriend and her son living with me, am doing a job that i love most of the time and.. well I'm miserable.

I've lost touch with most of my friends, find that with the few I have left that I've isolated myself from (the few I have nearby live about an hour away, another in holland and a few more in australia) and in general I feel I'd rather be alone than to be with people most of the time.

I don't really sleep, am constantly exhausted, drink far too much - especially on my own and find that I don't get any enjoyment out of the things I have, my girlfriend, my toys, my car - even my friends.. they always ask me to visit, they ring I don't answer most of the time, they text I don't reply.

I was asked to go to dinner with my girlfriend and some of her family for Christmas.. We drove down Christmas day and had dinner, called to some of her family and I drove home again so I could be on my own leaving them below and not seeing anybody for the following 4 days.

Fast-forward to New Years, and I've been invited to a party, asked to go to a wedding with my friend who's home for Christmas and have been invited out by my other friends.. and I just don't want to.. its almost as if I couldn't be bothered about making the effort but its not that.. I just want to be alone so I can sit in, watch some TV, send off a few texts later and have a few drinks until I fall asleep on the couch... That's fine every once in a while, but this is constant and I'm not even fully happy about it.

I spend ages thinking that my girlfriend and I are unsuited, and shouldn't be together and think reasons we should and of ways to break up but then I don't.. what about christmas, new years, my birthday, valentines etc etc.. always an excuse to not break up. I do believe that we are unsuited, but I don't want to break up in case I just feel like this because I'm unhappy elsewhere in my life.

I have a few hobbies, love my dogs and will spend ages with them but its almost as if nothing I do, try, plan or buy in my life brings me pleasure. I could decide to plant a tree tomorrow and will be happy planning the tree to get, do loads of research, will ensure that I have the tools for it, love getting stuck in to digging the hole planting the tree and looking at the finished product with satisfaction and yet 10 minutes after its done I find that the "old/real" me is starting to kick in. Why bother planting it, I'll probably sell the house, it will only die, it will get big and block the light into the house... I seem to always knock what I've just achieved and take the good out of my achievement.

I know the whole post is essentially a moan, but I have been though this pretty much constantly since I was about 16 and have been very bad a few times over the last couple of years.

Its time for me to break this cycle and try to buck myself up a bit and try and start enjoying the life that I've worked so hard to build for myself. I just want to be happy.

A few years ago I went to two different counsellors but found that they didn't work out for me.. and now I'm hesitant about trying another..

I don't know what to do.. well that's not really true.. I do, but I think I just don't want to... I keep telling myself to answer the phone to my friends, go off the drink for a few months, go to a counsellor and try and pick up some more hobbies but I keep telling myself its not that easy....

Is it?

pheasant tail

depressed? wrote: »

Not really where to start this to be honest.. so i'll just pitch in and hope it all makes sense!

Basically I've suffered from depression for pretty much most of my adult life (I'm 31 next week). I spoke to two doctors about it and they advised me to take lexapro but I have basically refused to take any tablets.

I had a pretty **** time of it when i was a teenager with my parents - particularly my dad who messed things up with my friends a lot to the point where a lot of them pretty much avoided me for the "fun" things in life because of the inevitable grief he would cause if I was with them. As a result I wasn't really close with a lot of my friends from school etc, didn't do the sleepovers, didn't go for a few drinks when I was supposed to be staying in a friends house, never really did discos etc.

I left home when I was 17 and have basically worked since both in jobs and then went to college when I was 21 and supported myself through a degree and worked in my own business too. Since then, I've continued to operate my own businesses and earn plenty, have a lovely home, a nice car, all the toys and gadgets that I could want, a girlfriend and her son living with me, am doing a job that i love most of the time and.. well I'm miserable.

I've lost touch with most of my friends, find that with the few I have left that I've isolated myself from (the few I have nearby live about an hour away, another in holland and a few more in australia) and in general I feel I'd rather be alone than to be with people most of the time.

I don't really sleep, am constantly exhausted, drink far too much - especially on my own and find that I don't get any enjoyment out of the things I have, my girlfriend, my toys, my car - even my friends.. they always ask me to visit, they ring I don't answer most of the time, they text I don't reply.

I was asked to go to dinner with my girlfriend and some of her family for Christmas.. We drove down Christmas day and had dinner, called to some of her family and I drove home again so I could be on my own leaving them below and not seeing anybody for the following 4 days.

Fast-forward to New Years, and I've been invited to a party, asked to go to a wedding with my friend who's home for Christmas and have been invited out by my other friends.. and I just don't want to.. its almost as if I couldn't be bothered about making the effort but its not that.. I just want to be alone so I can sit in, watch some TV, send off a few texts later and have a few drinks until I fall asleep on the couch... That's fine every once in a while, but this is constant and I'm not even fully happy about it.

I spend ages thinking that my girlfriend and I are unsuited, and shouldn't be together and think reasons we should and of ways to break up but then I don't.. what about christmas, new years, my birthday, valentines etc etc.. always an excuse to not break up. I do believe that we are unsuited, but I don't want to break up in case I just feel like this because I'm unhappy elsewhere in my life.

I have a few hobbies, love my dogs and will spend ages with them but its almost as if nothing I do, try, plan or buy in my life brings me pleasure. I could decide to plant a tree tomorrow and will be happy planning the tree to get, do loads of research, will ensure that I have the tools for it, love getting stuck in to digging the hole planting the tree and looking at the finished product with satisfaction and yet 10 minutes after its done I find that the "old/real" me is starting to kick in. Why bother planting it, I'll probably sell the house, it will only die, it will get big and block the light into the house... I seem to always knock what I've just achieved and take the good out of my achievement.

I know the whole post is essentially a moan, but I have been though this pretty much constantly since I was about 16 and have been very bad a few times over the last couple of years.

Its time for me to break this cycle and try to buck myself up a bit and try and start enjoying the life that I've worked so hard to build for myself. I just want to be happy.

A few years ago I went to two different counsellors but found that they didn't work out for me.. and now I'm hesitant about trying another..

I don't know what to do.. well that's not really true.. I do, but I think I just don't want to... I keep telling myself to answer the phone to my friends, go off the drink for a few months, go to a counsellor and try and pick up some more hobbies but I keep telling myself its not that easy....

Is it?

Very sorry to hear about your situation OP,really hope things go well for you Can i ask why you wont take medication?? im currently on lexapro with a few others joined in,but different people react differently to different anti depressents. Try go ta a good pschyarist and give it time and fingers crossed it wil all work out,give it a chance and dont ruin what you have,by reading that you do have lots and lots going for you so dont push all that away. But i get what you mean,,they dont make you happy as they should or the happieness doesnt last in you,,that i believe is depression,its chemical and needs to be treated??? its curable,,if your patient ?

LegacyUser

pheasant tail wrote: »

Very sorry to hear about your situation OP,really hope things go well for you Can i ask why you wont take medication?? im currently on lexapro with a few others joined in,but different people react differently to different anti depressents. Try go ta a good pschyarist and give it time and fingers crossed it wil all work out,give it a chance and dont ruin what you have,by reading that you do have lots and lots going for you so dont push all that away. But i get what you mean,,they dont make you happy as they should or the happieness doesnt last in you,,that i believe is depression,its chemical and needs to be treated??? its curable,,if your patient ?

I don't like taking medication of any description really but especially have something against the likes of lexapro.. Dunno just it seems to me that half the doctors around the place seem to prescribe them as you would sweets.. I just think that being on them doesn't fix the issue it only numbs you to some degree or other - not saying I'm right.. Just the way I feel about it.

I've read load of books about positivity and being positive and eve took great solace in Gareth o callaghans book - I I identified massively with him but just amnt sure how to pull myself out of this or pretty much where to start.

Out of interest, did you go to a counsellor or to your gp first?

pheasant tail

Depressed? wrote: »

I don't like taking medication of any description really but especially have something against the likes of lexapro.. Dunno just it seems to me that half the doctors around the place seem to prescribe them as you would sweets.. I just think that being on them doesn't fix the issue it only numbs you to some degree or other - not saying I'm right.. Just the way I feel about it.

I've read load of books about positivity and being positive and eve took great solace in Gareth o callaghans book - I I identified massively with him but just amnt sure how to pull myself out of this or pretty much where to start.

Out of interest, did you go to a counsellor or to your gp first?

I went to my GP first and he give the basic anti depressent,think it was cymbalta or something but anyways with a doctor,if they dont think they wil be able to help you they wil basically tel you to move on and go to a pschyarist,,in my experience anyway,if its too dificult for them they get rid in my experience!!

I know what you mean pal,but like a pscharist,a good one should work,i know im far far far off from been better but the man im seeing said he hasn't failed to get somebody right in his entire 40 years which has me quite assured!!

LegacyUser

Hey,

I think you're common knowledge is right - contacting your friends, lowering the amount you drink, getting out more etc. is the key ingredient to beating depression. I've read a good bit about it depression and the main ingredient to it is the isolation. Throw yourself back into your social life and get more active. Your diet could be an issue too..

CBT is proven as a good form of counseling to manage depression. Many people build depression as if it was a disease. Depression is an emotion, and what you're doing with that emotion is making it worse (i.e your actions are supporting it).

Look into CBT maybe.

Happy New Year

sam34

pheasant tail wrote: »

I know what you mean pal,but like a pscharist,a good one should work,i know im far far far off from been better but the man im seeing said he hasn't failed to get somebody right in his entire 40 years which has me quite assured!!

tbh, a practitioner clsaiming a 100% success rate would have me concerned about how genuine that statement/they are.

dan_d

I'm afraid that feeling of fighting inertia is one I also know OP.

I know the feeling of knowing what I 'should' but just not being able to bring myself to do it.

I think CBT is probably a better answer to your problems. YOu sgould also consider doing a good bit of excercise as it's one of the best cures for depression related illnesses, but one of the least used by sufferers...because they suffer from that inertia feeling.

I've recommended this here before, but I swear by 'stop thinking, start living', by Richard Carlson.It's a slim little book...I don't know if you've come across it before.If you haven't, buy it.It is fantastic.

And then think about going to see a counsellor or try CBT.You can beat it, it is doable.

pheasant tail

sam34 wrote: »

tbh, a practitioner clsaiming a 100% success rate would have me concerned about how genuine that statement/they
are.

Okay i know you mighten believe this but i never even thought of that :( i guess im just counting on it so much i duno ive become blinded maybe!!

pheasant tail

Oh and best of luck OP,i know you probably hear it the whole time,but it could be worse and your not alone