New boyfriend doesn't want sex?

LegacyUser

Ive read these forums in the past and now it's my turn!

Basically, Ive been seeing a guy nearly 2 months....I like him a lot - we've both been hurt in the past so i'm happy to take things slow as is he.

He mentioned that he's only had a few sexual partners and that's fine by me because i am the same...anyway, we've spent a lot of time together now. I'm 29, he's 28....we're not kids. About 2 weeks ago we came home to his after a night out, we were both drunk and we tried but it was rushed and the alcohol killed it for both of us...the next morning was nice, we messed around in the bed, wrestling and playing and stuff - but did nothing like, no one dropped the hand or anything. Then, the following weekend, he invited me over to watch a DVD and i ended up staying - he made a point of saying that he wasn't trying it on because we were so rushing last week he was still a bit sore - fine, i get that.

SO....since that, Ive shared his bed about 4 times (this is now 2 and a bit weeks since he got sore) and i always sleep in just my pants...one of the nights he actually offered me pyjamas!!!

a few of the nights he had flu and wasn't well, and i was tired also but he doesn't even like touch my boobs....or do anything suggestive, not even apassionate kiss I really don't get it! Ive never been with anyone like this before. I should also add that during this he asked me to be his girlfriend and bought me an expensive Christmas present which was really generous, and he really didn't need to go to that much expense because i only knew him a short time and wasn't expecting anything at all.

The thing is, i really like him...i don't know if he's uncomfortable or what? I don't want to come out and say it if it will make him feel awkward or something. If there's an issue I like him enough to deal with it, even if it means waiting a long time or whatever - but right now im just feeling a bit frustrated or like he doesn't fancy me or something?

Ickle Magoo

Have you tried talking to him? As you say, neither of you are kids so I think the best option is a good open and honest chat about where you are going and what expectations he/you have regarding a relationship and how the relationship as it stands is making you feel.

All the best.

seamus

It's possible that he simply doesn't know how to be "suggestive" sexually. "A few" sexual partners could be 2 or 3, he may not have had any serious relationships before and if he's not been involved with anyone for a while, his confidence in this regard may be so low that he's afraid to try anything on with you, lest you knock him back and say "no".

he made a point of saying that he wasn't trying it on because we were so rushing last week he was still a bit sore - fine, i get that

He could have been sore alright, and this in turn would cause him to worry about performance or appearance. Even though he was drunk, an inability to perform would knock anyone's confidence, especially on the first go.

There are a few ways you can approach this. First off, the most obvious one is to be proactive and make the first move. You've been in his bed 4 times since - why didn't you make a move any of those times? (Not wearing pyjamas does not count as "making a move")
Your other option is to talk to him straight out about it. Yes, he will probably be a little awkward and uncomfortable talking about it, but once he sees that you're not uncomfortable, he'll be relieved that he can talk about it openly with you instead of worry whether you're privately seething.

My overriding suspicion here is plain old performance anxiety and he's simply a little shy and nervous about the whole thing. Fear of having your sexual advances rejected in particular is a big one for a lot of men.

killerking

He might be a virgin and perhaps he lied to you about having sex before because he is terribly embarrassed that you will laugh at him - he might feel like Steve Carrell in the movie The 40 Year Old Virgin.
Did you both actually get naked and did you see his penis or did he get erect?
He might have a hang up about getting naked in front of someone and the shape and size and curve of his erect penis which might have convinced him that there was something wrong with him and that he might have been incapable of sexual intercourse.
He may have been painfully shy as a child and as a teenager and finally having sex with a woman may be a huge hurdle to get over.
Maybe you should take the lead and next time you are in the bedroom get naked in front of him and take his hands and put them on your body. If you get him to take off his clothes compliment him on his body and compliment his penis. If he has body issues that should make him relax.

liah

Please don't take offense to this (or potentially worse, read too far into it), but is there a possibility he may be gay? It's not the first conclusion I came to, but everyone's covered everything else so far. A possibility none the less-- what stuck out to me was when you mentioned he didn't want to touch your chest or kiss you passionately, but I'm not entirely sure if you meant when he was sick or in general so I could be reading too far into it.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Wompa1

Maybe he was in a relationship with a frigid girl before? Who would constantly reject any advances he made. So now he's reluctant to try with you? Why does he have to initiate it anyway? One of the sexiest things a woman can do is initiate it! Seriously, it's a huge turn on when a girl actually initiates and seduces you rather than you having to try and initiate.

Cheap Thrills!

Have you met any of his friends...or has he talked about his background?

It's pretty impossible to judge what's going on with him yet I think OP.

Perhaps he suffered abuse/trauma in a previous relationship...

My advice is to pull back from the physical a bit and try to get to know him better. Is he just 'going through the motions' with you or does he like you as much as you like him?

If he says nothing and seems evasive then worry. I find his lack of action so far as a wee bit suspicious but it really depends on whether it continues or what.

Can you tell us what he says he feels about you?

Distorted

I have to admit, having been in a similar set of circumstances in the past, my thought would be that it wasn't girls he was into.

Either that, or some medical problem or psychological hang up. True, he might just be shy (thats what all my friends thought of the guy I dated who turned out to be gay), but most guys of 28 would realise that this is not typical male behaviour.

I faffed around for months before taking the bull by the horns, so to speak, with my ex - and he ran away! He too used to buy me fantastic presents, we'd go on lovely dates and I met all his friends, and he was pretty much the perfect boyfriend, except he never physically touched me. I suggest that if you don't feel you can raise the subject, initiate things and see what his reaction is. Unless of course you are perfectly happy to proceed like this and to wait and see if he is building it up to a really special occasion.

[-0-]

He might be insecure about something. Pre-mature ejaculator? Bent penis? Who knows... just make him feel comfortable, let him know what you want and see how it goes. Communication is key!

miec

I faffed around for months before taking the bull by the horns, so to speak, with my ex - and he ran away! He too used to buy me fantastic presents, we'd go on lovely dates and I met all his friends, and he was pretty much the perfect boyfriend, except he never physically touched me. I suggest that if you don't feel you can raise the subject, initiate things and see what his reaction is. Unless of course you are perfectly happy to proceed like this and to wait and see if he is building it up to a really special occasion.

+ 1. I faffed around for over two years. Op, I suggest you intiate things, either by touching him or telling him you would like to do stuff, if he rejects that or is screamish about it, leave, do not waste your time with him. I am all for waiting and being understanding but the price is that it may affect you unless he is willing to meet you half way, this is crucial.

It is very humilating being with a man who doesn't want you. I lived with my ex and he rarely wanted me, he was big into pjs (pyjamas) and yes he had issues, hang ups but he would not discuss them or deal with them, I was expected to not say anything, which or course didn't happen so he got verbally aggressive with me, etc, etc. Ironically he was very generous with gifts but I'm the type of woman who does not give a stuff about gifts or things, they are meaningless to me. The consequences now is that my sexual confidence is rock bottom (although I'm glad I left him). I think who would bother with me now and even if I met a man and developed something I don't know what way to be anymore. As I said give your guy a chance but only a small chance, nervousness is one thing, sexual shame / repression is another. I have had relationships with other men who were just nervous but with gentle persuasion and respect they bloomed, just make sure your needs are met too.