Alcoholic Husband

flahers

It's 12 midday and I'm sitting here crying my eyes out because every year for the past five or so I have told myself that there will be changes in my life once 1st January arrives. I'm 25 years married to an alcoholic, when we married first he was a heavy drinker but developed serious problems about six years ago, driving and drinking, drinking at work, eventually it came to a head and he was warned his good job was on the line unless he dealt with it. I drove him all over Ireland to try to get him help privately but he insisted he would deal with it himself. For a while he settled even though he never gave it up but lately it's been getting very bad again, even though he is cute not to drink in such a way that it will affect his job. I realize the only one suffering is ME. He comes in from work, eats his dinner and snores in the chair until I go to bed and then he starts drinking cider. My son is out of college now and has a very good job and my daughter is just finished college and basically they just want to get on with their lives and I dont blame them. I'm very proud of both of them and understand they dont want to be a part of our problems. We still have a mortgage for another five years so leaving is not an option and I gave up my job about 15 years ago (regrettably now). I'm also an only child with a very selfish mother who does not believe me because since my loving dad passed my husband has taken over the role of jumping to her evey whim. I dont have family to talk to so I cant understand why she never listens. I just feel like packing my case and disappearing and I dont think anyone would care. I have to deal with this but dont know where to begin ?

Cheap Thrills!

Why don't you go?

Beetlebum

Oh dear, my heart goes out to you, it really does.

My mom died from alcohol poisoning a few years ago and my dad is also a recovering alcoholic who occasionally falls off the wagon.

My advise to you after years of dealing with my mom and her alcoholic ways, is that you are utterly helpless in this situation. I know that sounds despairing but it isn't. There is nothing you can do to help your husband until he decides to help himself. At that point you can be there to support his recovery but at the moemnt all you are doing is supporting his drinking.

People say that it's an illness but I'm still in two minds about that. I think people choose to drink for many reasons - escapism, empowerment, a false sense of well being, confidenec etc and it can spiral quite quickly into problematic drinking but I still believe the drinker has a choice.

Another thing to note is that alcoholics are notorious liars. They are also very sneaky and selfish. They are weak.

My mom used to hide booze all over the place. Our local off licence and pub knew not to serve her but even if the shops were closed she'd somehow find a way to get booze.

One heart breaking memory for me is myself and my sister loakcing all the windows and doors and locking her in her bedroom. She screamed and shouted and cried and went hysterical but we refused to let her out. My neighbour overheard cause she was screaming so loud and gave out to us for being 'barbaric'. He told us she wasn't an animal and how dare we. I think I was 16 at the time and trying to study for my leaving cert.

It was horrific. She ruined my life in many ways.

This is a very emotional topic for me OP so I'm going to stop there.
My advice to you is to leave. Pack your bags and leave. Go stay in a hotel if needs be. Also go to a support group and get yourself some councelling. I went to Stanhope Street and they helped me immensely.

I really do feel for you but you have to be strong and you have to save yourself. Your husband at least gets to have his meals cooked for him and the safety blanket of knowing you're there for him. STOP. WALK AWAY. YOU ARE ENABLING HIM.

Maybe down the line you can come back to him but not until he has sorted himself out. He is a grown man an dhe made vows to you when you married that he would look after you.

Please leave OP even just temporarily.

It really is heart breaking but you'll get through it. Be strong <snip>

Take care of you.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Go to Al-anon, they're a support group for relatives, partners, friends and children of alcoholics. They are a tremendous source of support. My mother is a recovering alcoholic, I won't go into it but she wasn't nice when she drank, she stopped when I was 6. She still goes too AA and works the program because she really never ever wants to be that person again, even after 22 years she never lets her gaurd down. Alcoholics can recover but it takes hard work and determination. Your husband is in denial and as someone else said alcoholics are devious and very sneaky, licking up to your mother and hiding what he's doing would support this. Please go to al-anon OP, you'll be very glad you did. They may help you find the strength to leave. You never know, you're leaving could be the kick up the arse your husband needs to start sorting himself out.

The very best of luck OP.

Walls

I really would advise some way of getting out of this situation. Is there any way that you can go away for just a few days to a friend or hotel so that your head is clear?

Then you need support, ongoing long term support to help you out. I really would recommend Al-Alon as well, they are free, confidential and have been there themselves. Alcoholics are astonishingly good manipulators and you've probably been in an unnatural situation for years, without realising how much you've lost. Feel free to keep your daughters informed, but please put yourself first here. No one should be crying their eyes out in the way you describe. Feel free to pm me if I can be of any other assistance.

Dan133269

flahers wrote: »

It's 12 midday and I'm sitting here crying my eyes out because every year for the past five or so I have told myself that there will be changes in my life once 1st January arrives. I'm 25 years married to an alcoholic, when we married first he was a heavy drinker but developed serious problems about six years ago, driving and drinking, drinking at work, eventually it came to a head and he was warned his good job was on the line unless he dealt with it. I drove him all over Ireland to try to get him help privately but he insisted he would deal with it himself. For a while he settled even though he never gave it up but lately it's been getting very bad again, even though he is cute not to drink in such a way that it will affect his job. I realize the only one suffering is ME. He comes in from work, eats his dinner and snores in the chair until I go to bed and then he starts drinking cider. My son is out of college now and has a very good job and my daughter is just finished college and basically they just want to get on with their lives and I dont blame them. I'm very proud of both of them and understand they dont want to be a part of our problems. We still have a mortgage for another five years so leaving is not an option and I gave up my job about 15 years ago (regrettably now). I'm also an only child with a very selfish mother who does not believe me because since my loving dad passed my husband has taken over the role of jumping to her evey whim. I dont have family to talk to so I cant understand why she never listens. I just feel like packing my case and disappearing and I dont think anyone would care. I have to deal with this but dont know where to begin ?

Did you not see the warning signs?
You have a choice you know, you can leave him.

Milkmaid

Hey OP, hope you are ok? Just want to say been in very similar situation so hugs to you.
All I can say is no one who marries an alcoholic sees the road ahead when they marry..when you are young you don't see the signs and 20/20 hindsight is great from those who are not in your shoes.
What I did first was to sell up and rid myself of the mortgage..I was lucky I had that option.
The most important thing I did was to go to Al-Anon.
Please do this as the support is important. For me I was unbelievably lonely..I was basically a widow. And the worst part was NO ONE outside my own family believed me! They thought I was a nagging woman who drove him to drink..people actually said this to me.
I was very lucky that I had lived abroad and the difference between my foreign friends and the Irish was just unreal...you are NOT to blame for what has happened.
Unfortunately when my Ex sobered up he still had lots of emotional problems and walked out on me and kids ....we were glad he left as he was a Dry Drunk..his family are helping him recover from "the woman who drove him to drink".
I have completely re-invented myself. We are so happy and my kids are grown almost up. My biggest fear was poverty but the fact is we get by quite nicely.
And I have MY OWN money and without the alcoholic we have a much better standard of living.
To be honest living with an alcoholic isnt living..it is just surviving and I am sorry I stuck it for decades. Hope you are okay as I remember Christmas as the worst time of year.

up for anything

flahers wrote: »

We still have a mortgage for another five years so leaving is not an option

There are always options. Five years left on a mortgage should not be your sole reason for not leaving. Get yourself an appointment with MABs and lay out your financial situation. Go to Citizens Advice. Make a consultation appointment with a solicitor. Do all or any one of these things and find out how your finances could be worked out if you decided to leave.

Don't resign yourself to the situation because if you do you will find probably find yourself sitting in tears at 12 noon on 31.12.11 and 31.12.12 and 31.12.13 and so on.

Take charge of your life if that's what you want to do, it's passing you by as it is. Don't waste any more of it.

Zen65

flahers wrote: »

I just feel like packing my case and disappearing and I dont think anyone would care. I have to deal with this but dont know where to begin ?

Hi Op,

Reading your post it seems there is a lot more going on than just a husband who drinks a lot. The life you describe for yourself is so lonely, with neither a child nor parent to turn to for support. I think support for yourself is a good place to start (and Al-Anon is as good a starting point as any other) but really I think you need to develop stronger social contacts, because what you need more than anything right now is a friend. Is there a community group, or activity group you could join?

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

OP you really remind me so much of my own mother... we were in a similar situation up to a year and a half ago and although I won’t get into that now as I get very emotional still, I can say that our lives are so much better now.
OP you have got some great advice here already (and some not so great criticism which I would completely ignore). I agree with most of the advice here. I think you need to without a doubt leave. You are completely enabling your husband and I know it is incredibly difficult to accept that, but its simply true. Like I said my family were in the exact same situation up until last year. Its difficult to leave. It really really is. My mother was the same in that she too was not working and her sole reason for not leaving sooner was money. But it got to a point where she had no choice, she was faced with a very lonely existence with him forever. So we left. And it was difficult. Very very difficult. But you know the most difficult part is making the decision to leave and accepting that you have to do so. I agree you need to get in touch with al anon (or if you don’t like this at least some sort of counsellor in this area. Also citizen advice will be great to give you info about mediation, your rights etc. If I was you OP I would try to organise a bank account which your husband has no access to and transfer a certain amount of money into it that will keep you going for a while. (im not talking about taking all of his money, I just mean if you leave you need to organise a hotel or rent a house for a while before you can get on your own two feet). You also should go to Social Welfare straight away to organise perhaps unemployment or rent allowance etc.
This seems incredibly daunting I know. But what you need to see is that if you make these very difficult steps now then this time next year you will have started a new life for yourself. You will have yourself set up and might have made new friends and will be independant of your husband with a new life for yourself and will have a happy new year. Otherwise your life will only get worse with your husbands drinking and can you imagine how difficult it will be when he retires from work? His drinking can only worsen. OP I have been in your position so I am not talking about something I do not know. I know only too well how daunting this is. But you need to take your life back.
Alcoholism is serious and your husband needs to reach his rock bottom before he can go get help and unfortunately no matter how much you beg him it wont work. He needs to seek help himself. And he will never reach his rock bottom with you enabling him like this.
I really wish you all the well OP. When I think back to how different my life is now from a year ago I want to cry. When I think about what my family endured because of my father I get very emotional and sometimes this past year seems so surreal to think about. It seems like its all been a dream and that I will wake up and be at home living with him and his drinking problem again. But thankfully its not a dream and my family is much happier now. OP you can have this same result for you too. And by the sounds of it your children (although grown up) will appreciate you for it too.... speaking as an adult child of a mother who finally stood up to her alcoholic husband.

JimmyCrackCorn

The worst thing you can do in this situation is nothing. Its a horrible place to be for you op and grew up in the same environment. His drinking to this day has progressively worsened to the point of him being a danger to everyone around him. We as a family are still dealing with the fallout a decade later.

Get to Al-Anon and seek help for yourself in whatever you decide to do. Its a far too sad and common story.

As for what anyone else thinks or believes its not important you and your health/happiness/safety are far more important.

Just remember your not alone there are people there to help.

LegacyUser

Op, please contact al-anon, they are experts in dealing with your situation. Just find them on google and go to a meeting. You'll be amazed with the amount of people in the same boat and there is a twelve step program for dealing with this.

My aunt was in your exact situation and she said he'd have had a nevous breakdown but for finding al-anon and learning how to implement their program into her life. Best of luck to you.

flahers

Thanks to everyone who gave me such great and helpful advice about my husband's drinking. I have contacted al-anon and have started attending the meetings, they are brilliant and already I feel better in myself. Finding the empty cider cans in his coat pockets and under car seats is not distressing me as much now because I can see light at end of the tunnel. I forgot to mention that he also spends a lot of time in the bookie office, says he is only there watching results but of course it's more lies. I'm gathering as much info as possible and will see a solicitor soon to see where I stand. I have confided in some friends and they have been a great help. Thanks so much once again.