No friends at xmas

LegacyUser

Lads,
Gonna go unreg for this one but a regular poster,

Im 26 male and living in belfast but home for xmas in dublin.

I have lived away from dublin for the last 5 years between college and work and rarely get home only at xmas. I am at home now for xmas now and its getting me down a bit as i have no close friends in dublin to hang out with and its my own fault. I have not fell out with anyone but just lost touch with nearly everyone i used to be friends with.

Im just thinking the amount of people that i dont talk to anymore is scary and it gets me down as im conscious that i have lost all these friendships for good. I do keep in contact with people through social networking sites but just to the extent that i will pass comment on photos etc. The one thing that has got me down recently is that i saw a friend from school who just got married and i saw a few of the wedding photos and a lot of the friends i hung out with were at the wedding yet i didnt get an invite. I wasnt invited which is fair enough but i thought i should have been invited as much as others that were there and it would have been a great way to catch up with people also. To be honest i didnt even know he was getting married and that says it all.

I have not fell out with any of my friends but just lost contact with them which is my own fault i have to admit. I have only been out socialising once over xmas because i have no one to meet up with and tomoro night i will sadly be staying in as well because i have no plans. I am not looking for sympathy but maybe a little advice. I know i am never goin to make up these friendships i have lost so should i just move on and just try to get on with life where im living now. I have two friends that i still keep in touch with regularly but they have no interest in meeting up over the xmas really as they are doing other things which is fair enough.


I kind of know the answer already that i should move on but im kind of annoyed that i let this happen yet i had no choice really as i moved initially for college then work. I think a lot of my former friends just think the same as me that i live somewhere else so i have a new life which isnt really true and thats part of the problem. The friends that i have in belfast, i would not call true friends like back home as i dont know them long enough and they dont know me long enough (< 3years).

The reason i am annoyed is because it seems that every year i lose touch with more people but yet i have no interest in just keeping in touch with people just for the sake of it either. Im not the type of person who would ring up a person randomly unless i has something to tell them, sadly being like this then as you can imagine alienates you from people if you have not talked to them form one end of the year to the next because you realise you have nothing in common if you havent talked in such a long time.

I have seen a lot of other people around me rely on friends over xmas yet they dont realise if you dont have any friends then you have nothing. Like over the xmas i have no one to meet up with which is fairly sad and the fact of the matter is that im a very sociable person but just circumstances dictate my current situation in Dublin.

Its a pity really but i would imagine a lot of other people have had the same experiances as me when they moved away for college/work and then come back once a year to find out every once else is getting on with their lives which is fair enough and totally understandable but i have not adapted to living in belfast as much as i would have liked and was thinking of moving back to dublin at some stage but i realise there is nothing at all here for me apart from my family. My family realise this also and are sympathetic towards me which is fair enough but its not their fault.

Anyone have experianced anything like this in the past?

LegacyUser

Yep, feel you, bro!

Basically, moved to a town nearish to where I'm from for college. Lost touch with all my school mates, but it seems that a lot of them kept in touch and I just decided not to? Hmm.. Anyway, it wasn't a falling out and I got on really well with them and still think I would. I figured recently that if I wanted to be friends with them again it would have to be more than me just using them when I'm home for Christmas/ New Years etc. In that sense, I think that if you wanted to be friends with these guys again I'd try and organise a few things outside fo big holidays.

One idea would be a reunion. Are all of these friends in the same circle of friends? What you could do is organise a small dinner thing/ pub thing and see who turns up. Then follow on and meet up with them again / invite them to Belfast if they wanted. Thing is, Belfast is a cool city and if I was friends with you I'd be taking advantage of your couch! That could work!

I think it's kinda difficult when people say 'Oh just get over them and make more friends'. I'm finished college now, I'm not working much and I don't play sports. That means that my OH is really my only main big friend. I do hang out with some of my college mates, but they have their own lives now and their own friends and plans. I'm always invited to do things with them but I'm always busy with other things.

You said that friends you don't know that well (<3 years!) that's a long time, really. They should be pretty amazing friends by now!

Do you have any brothers/ sisters you could hang out with over holidays such as this?

LegacyUser

Unregtoo wrote: »

Yep, feel you, bro!

Basically, moved to a town nearish to where I'm from for college. Lost touch with all my school mates, but it seems that a lot of them kept in touch and I just decided not to? Hmm.. Anyway, it wasn't a falling out and I got on really well with them and still think I would. I figured recently that if I wanted to be friends with them again it would have to be more than me just using them when I'm home for Christmas/ New Years etc. In that sense, I think that if you wanted to be friends with these guys again I'd try and organise a few things outside fo big holidays.

One idea would be a reunion. Are all of these friends in the same circle of friends? What you could do is organise a small dinner thing/ pub thing and see who turns up. Then follow on and meet up with them again / invite them to Belfast if they wanted. Thing is, Belfast is a cool city and if I was friends with you I'd be taking advantage of your couch! That could work!

I think it's kinda difficult when people say 'Oh just get over them and make more friends'. I'm finished college now, I'm not working much and I don't play sports. That means that my OH is really my only main big friend. I do hang out with some of my college mates, but they have their own lives now and their own friends and plans. I'm always invited to do things with them but I'm always busy with other things.

You said that friends you don't know that well (<3 years!) that's a long time, really. They should be pretty amazing friends by now!

Do you have any brothers/ sisters you could hang out with over holidays such as this?

Cheers for the reply,
I realise everyones situations are differant and i wouldnt change a thing i done well in college and got a good job but with a big sacrifice of losing my childhood friends. I also met friends from college who are really good people and i keep in touch with them but the way things are a lot of my college friends dont even live in this country anymore which doesnt help matters. Im a very single minded and indepentant person usually and have never shown signs of any problems before to anyone apart from my family who kow i have no close friends here. I have never told anyone really that my friends back home dont keep in touch with me but i do recognise it was partly my problem.


The problem is i know exactly how it happened and was powerless to do anything about it really. I do try to make an effort to meet new people all the time but i dont think i will be ever able to replace the childhood friends i have lost.

Its pointless me trying to make new friends in dublin these days as i wont be around here the majority of the time.

I am also single at the minute and whilst i dont see this as a problem, i think it may have a part to play as last year over xmas i was with the GF and didnt notice really that i had lost contact with all my friends from dublin. Im not sure if the answer is just another GF because i dont want to be relying on one person for happiness but surely it could help.

killerking

felt better wrote: »

Lads,
Gonna go unreg for this one but a regular poster,

Im 26 male and living in belfast but home for xmas in dublin.

I have lived away from dublin for the last 5 years between college and work and rarely get home only at xmas. I am at home now for xmas now and its getting me down a bit as i have no close friends in dublin to hang out with and its my own fault. I have not fell out with anyone but just lost touch with nearly everyone i used to be friends with.

Im just thinking the amount of people that i dont talk to anymore is scary and it gets me down as im conscious that i have lost all these friendships for good. I do keep in contact with people through social networking sites but just to the extent that i will pass comment on photos etc. The one thing that has got me down recently is that i saw a friend from school who just got married and i saw a few of the wedding photos and a lot of the friends i hung out with were at the wedding yet i didnt get an invite. I wasnt invited which is fair enough but i thought i should have been invited as much as others that were there and it would have been a great way to catch up with people also. To be honest i didnt even know he was getting married and that says it all.

I have not fell out with any of my friends but just lost contact with them which is my own fault i have to admit. I have only been out socialising once over xmas because i have no one to meet up with and tomoro night i will sadly be staying in as well because i have no plans. I am not looking for sympathy but maybe a little advice. I know i am never goin to make up these friendships i have lost so should i just move on and just try to get on with life where im living now. I have two friends that i still keep in touch with regularly but they have no interest in meeting up over the xmas really as they are doing other things which is fair enough.


I kind of know the answer already that i should move on but im kind of annoyed that i let this happen yet i had no choice really as i moved initially for college then work. I think a lot of my former friends just think the same as me that i live somewhere else so i have a new life which isnt really true and thats part of the problem. The friends that i have in belfast, i would not call true friends like back home as i dont know them long enough and they dont know me long enough (< 3years).

The reason i am annoyed is because it seems that every year i lose touch with more people but yet i have no interest in just keeping in touch with people just for the sake of it either. Im not the type of person who would ring up a person randomly unless i has something to tell them, sadly being like this then as you can imagine alienates you from people if you have not talked to them form one end of the year to the next because you realise you have nothing in common if you havent talked in such a long time.

I have seen a lot of other people around me rely on friends over xmas yet they dont realise if you dont have any friends then you have nothing. Like over the xmas i have no one to meet up with which is fairly sad and the fact of the matter is that im a very sociable person but just circumstances dictate my current situation in Dublin.

Its a pity really but i would imagine a lot of other people have had the same experiances as me when they moved away for college/work and then come back once a year to find out every once else is getting on with their lives which is fair enough and totally understandable but i have not adapted to living in belfast as much as i would have liked and was thinking of moving back to dublin at some stage but i realise there is nothing at all here for me apart from my family. My family realise this also and are sympathetic towards me which is fair enough but its not their fault.

Anyone have experianced anything like this in the past?

Do you say hello to people you see every day in Dublin? I mean when you go to the shop around the corner do you say hello to the people behind the counter? Do you know their first names? If you are on a particular bus route do you get talking to people you might from time to time end up sitting aside? People who take that bus, at that time every day of the week. Instead of looking out the window maybe you could strike up some harmless conversation.
If you are in a bar or club and you saw a group of girls would you go over, introduce yourself and make friends? If you were in a clothes shop and you were buying a shirt would you spend some time flirting with the girl behind the counter or chatting with the salesperson before moving on? Perhaps you need to get out of your comfort zone and be friendly and just talk to people. Some people will be rude of course but many people will be delighted to talk for a minutes - it might be the weather or current affairs or football or something trivial but it will pass the time.

Larianne

What's stopping you from asking these 'friends' on facebook to go for a drink? Those friends on Facebook may think you're perfectly happy to see them as nothing more than acquaintances now.

You have to make the effort with people. Make the effort with your newer friends in Belfast. Get in touch with your old friends in Dublin if that's what you want or just delete them from your Facebook. You'll just keep annoying yourself.

Firetrap

You're going to have to become more proactive when it comes to physically meeting people in the 'real world'. Sure, Facebook is great for keeping in touch with people but it's no substitute for the real thing. If you're not physically meeting up with people or talking to them on the phone, it's amazing how quickly you can fade into the background and be forgotten about. The thing though is that if you know these people personally and you have been friends/friendly with them before, you've got a good chance of renewing these friendships.

LegacyUser

You're not the only one OP. I’m kinda the same, lost contact with friends, not because I fell out with them, just lack of social skills in maintaining the friendship or something?? I now find myself in my bedroom with my parents downstairs on new years eve with no one to call or anything, how did it come to this?? Need to sort myself out for 2011 for sure!!!!!!!!!! I'm like you, a social person but for whatever reason, am in a dark spot at the mo

LegacyUser

killerking wrote: »

Do you say hello to people you see every day in Dublin? I mean when you go to the shop around the corner do you say hello to the people behind the counter? Do you know their first names? If you are on a particular bus route do you get talking to people you might from time to time end up sitting aside? People who take that bus, at that time every day of the week. Instead of looking out the window maybe you could strike up some harmless conversation.
If you are in a bar or club and you saw a group of girls would you go over, introduce yourself and make friends? If you were in a clothes shop and you were buying a shirt would you spend some time flirting with the girl behind the counter or chatting with the salesperson before moving on? Perhaps you need to get out of your comfort zone and be friendly and just talk to people. Some people will be rude of course but many people will be delighted to talk for a minutes - it might be the weather or current affairs or football or something trivial but it will pass the time.

These are good questions you are asking, and the answer to a lot of the questions you asked above is no and you are right i need to make more of an effort i suppose but this doesnt come natural to my personality as i am more of an introvert by nature. I am in my comfort zone to be honest and should really make more of an effort to strike up conversation with a lot of the people i meet.I dont usually bother with small talk so just usually avoid it. I would class myself as an introvert and a bit shy around people i dont know. I am aware of this though and i try to face up to the problem but nothing has really changed so i dont know what to do. I know friends come and go but i seem not to be able to hold onto friends purely becuase i dont keep in contact which is my fault. Like i said previously i fully understand why i have lost contact with all my friends from school and dont want to same thing to happen with my friends from college and work in future.

On a side note
Happy new year all

LegacyUser

Larianne wrote: »

What's stopping you from asking these 'friends' on facebook to go for a drink? Those friends on Facebook may think you're perfectly happy to see them as nothing more than acquaintances now.

You have to make the effort with people. Make the effort with your newer friends in Belfast. Get in touch with your old friends in Dublin if that's what you want or just delete them from your Facebook. You'll just keep annoying yourself.

Your right i should ask them but i dont want to come across all needy, i asked a few of them to meet up last year and it never materialised not by any fault of my own. I was on for meeting up but they never got back to me. I think you might be right to delete a few of the friends from facebook or just not to look at it because it does affect me when i see events that are organised and i dont get invited.

It has annoyed me i suppose as it just brings home the message to me that they dont class me as a close enough friend anymore to invite me to anything they are doing which is a bit gutting.

LegacyUser

Firetrap wrote: »

You're going to have to become more proactive when it comes to physically meeting people in the 'real world'. Sure, Facebook is great for keeping in touch with people but it's no substitute for the real thing. If you're not physically meeting up with people or talking to them on the phone, it's amazing how quickly you can fade into the background and be forgotten about. The thing though is that if you know these people personally and you have been friends/friendly with them before, you've got a good chance of renewing these friendships.

Your 100% right, i have tried in the past to make the effort but this is after the damage was done i suppose. I realise i neglected these friends partly due to moving for college and living away from dublin to work. In my mind their perception is that i have loads of friends elsewhere and i dont need them but the reality is actually quite the opposite. Sadly this is the truth of it and it doesnt matter how hard i try i cant seem to reverse what damage has already been done. The strange thing is though that i never actually fell out with any of my friends and thats what gets to me, i just lost touch due to circumstances.

LegacyUser

same_boat wrote: »

You're not the only one OP. I’m kinda the same, lost contact with friends, not because I fell out with them, just lack of social skills in maintaining the friendship or something?? I now find myself in my bedroom with my parents downstairs on new years eve with no one to call or anything, how did it come to this?? Need to sort myself out for 2011 for sure!!!!!!!!!! I'm like you, a social person but for whatever reason, am in a dark spot at the mo

Sorry to hear you are in the same situation as myself, Your siatuation is actually identical to what im facing at the minute, in my room with parents gone out for the night whilst everyone else i know is out enjoying themselves.

I strangley think im a sociable enough person as well but clearly my social skills are not that good when i cant maintain friendships. Im thinking of just focussing on the friends i have at the moment and try to make more friends after that and anything else then will be a bonus. I find that the only time i get to socialise is the weekend and the last thing i think of doin is picking up the phone just to keep in contact with friends in dublin tha ti will rarely see. I can keep in touch quite easily through facebook but like OP said you really need to do more than just talk to people on facebook and i think im guilty of that so i might just have to rethink that as its probably pointless.

killerking

felt better wrote: »

These are good questions you are asking, and the answer to a lot of the questions you asked above is no and you are right i need to make more of an effort i suppose but this doesnt come natural to my personality as i am more of an introvert by nature. I am in my comfort zone to be honest and should really make more of an effort to strike up conversation with a lot of the people i meet.I dont usually bother with small talk so just usually avoid it. I would class myself as an introvert and a bit shy around people i dont know. I am aware of this though and i try to face up to the problem but nothing has really changed so i dont know what to do. I know friends come and go but i seem not to be able to hold onto friends purely becuase i dont keep in contact which is my fault. Like i said previously i fully understand why i have lost contact with all my friends from school and dont want to same thing to happen with my friends from college and work in future.

On a side note
Happy new year all

You have to realize that your best friend is yourself. You have to stop thinking about talking to people as a great ordeal and instead see it as an adventure. Forget about your own problems and thinking what am I doing wrong or will I feck up this or that or what do people think about me because when you think about it you'll never really know for sure and you can't do much about it anyway. Instead go out of your way to find out about people - what they do, where they come from, what do they like and what do they care about etc.
The main thing is to become a great listener and to get people to open up and to talk. If you do that guys will want to be your pal and seek you out for advice and women will want to go to bed with you.

LegacyUser

killerking wrote: »

You have to realize that your best friend is yourself. You have to stop thinking about talking to people as a great ordeal and instead see it as an adventure. Forget about your own problems and thinking what am I doing wrong or will I feck up this or that or what do people think about me because when you think about it you'll never really know for sure and you can't do much about it anyway. Instead go out of your way to find out about people - what they do, where they come from, what do they like and what do they care about etc.
The main thing is to become a great listener and to get people to open up and to talk. If you do that guys will want to be your pal and seek you out for advice and women will want to go to bed with you.

Thanks for all the constructive comments lads

what you said above is right and i have been trying to improve myself as i know its not the right way to be but for some reason it doesnt come natural to me. I am a very frendly person but if you dont know me then you will never see this side of me. Like you said above, i should listen to people and show more interest and they will open up to me. I think a part of my problem tho is that i dont open up to people unless i have known them for a long time.

The sooner i start showing everyone what my true personality is like then the better. I am always conscious of the way i act around new people in order to make a good impression, this should not be the case. I am too defensive towards people i dont know and i suppose this acts as a barrier to people getting to know me better.

To my friends that know me, they dont know that i struggle socially and would not believe it if i told them. My main problem is that i just dont make the effort with people i dont know, the sooner i change this then the better

killerking

felt better wrote: »

Thanks for all the constructive comments lads

what you said above is right and i have been trying to improve myself as i know its not the right way to be but for some reason it doesnt come natural to me. I am a very frendly person but if you dont know me then you will never see this side of me. Like you said above, i should listen to people and show more interest and they will open up to me. I think a part of my problem tho is that i dont open up to people unless i have known them for a long time.

The sooner i start showing everyone what my true personality is like then the better. I am always conscious of the way i act around new people in order to make a good impression, this should not be the case. I am too defensive towards people i dont know and i suppose this acts as a barrier to people getting to know me better.

To my friends that know me, they dont know that i struggle socially and would not believe it if i told them. My main problem is that i just dont make the effort with people i dont know, the sooner i change this then the better

You don't have to show people your true personality or even to tell them what you think about them or tell them your life story.
What you need to remember that people's favorite subject is themselves and very few people are curious about other people.
To make friends you simply draw them out and get them talking and then shut up and listen. Use reflective listening like as if you are an echo chamber by paraphrasing what they are saying and repeating it back them. That shows that you were listening and you understand what they are saying and keep eye contact, nod your head and smile more when you are talking to people.
You might try being more touchy-feely by touching them on the arm or shoulder.

Larianne

felt better wrote: »

The sooner i start showing everyone what my true personality is like then the better. I am always conscious of the way i act around new people in order to make a good impression, this should not be the case. I am too defensive towards people i dont know and i suppose this acts as a barrier to people getting to know me better.

To my friends that know me, they dont know that i struggle socially and would not believe it if i told them. My main problem is that i just dont make the effort with people i dont know, the sooner i change this then the better

Don't try too hard when you meet new people. Everyone wants to make a good impression when they meet someone knew but don't be someone you're not. As killerking has said - ask lots of questions and listen to what the person says. Look interested in what they say.

Lose the defensiveness. People will not be bothered with this. If you appear friendly, people will be more likely want to talk to you. You know you're a good person and that you want to make friends but the impression you give to other people through body language and actions may be complete different! Smile more. It helps break down barriers. I used to be very shy but people mistook that for aloofness and snobbery! Had to change that.

You know what to do. Make a conscious effort to speak to people more, ask your friends to meet up, see how they are, go for drinks, trips away etc. Friendship is a two way street. If you don't bother after a while you can hardly blame the other person from withdrawing their effort with the relationship.