Bad things I did when I was younger

LegacyUser

When I was younger (from about age 11-15) I could be a pretty nasty little person and I used to take pleasure in making fun of some other kids around me, typical nasty child stuff.

Anyway, I'm in my mid-twenties now but I am still haunted by some of the nastiness I showed. There was a lad in primary school who I basically grew to dislike (stupidly, he was actually grand - I was 100% at fault) and I ended up ignoring him and turning people against him. It was terrible. In the end, it was ok, I apologised and grew to become friends with the guy.

In secondary school, there were a few lads I used to make fun of when I really shouldn't have - nothing too terrible - but they were vulnerable, in some cases unfortunate lads who deserved better.

To be honest, since then I have not really done anything bad (that I can think of) to anyone and I think most people would think well enough of me. I matured and became a sensible person and grew to hate that kind of bullying behaviour. I still can be nasty (in private) and I am certainly no angel but generally, nothing I'm ashamed off.

But I am still haunted by visions of myself as this nasty, horrible kid who made fun of people and was mean. I sometimes think I don't deserve any happiness for being like that.

I don't know what I'm asking for really, maybe other people have experienced similar things.

Thanks.

Jenneke87

Don't have much of advice but it's a good thing that you know what you did was wrong, not many people are capable of that kind of self-reflection. There's litle use in beating yourself up over it, you can't undo the past, but you can learn your lesson from it and treat people well in the future:)

tk123

You could possibly look the people up eg on Facebook and apologize if you think it'd help? Apart from that it's obviously impacted you a lot and you're sorry for what you did - do you think you could turn the negative experince around by volunteering/working with an organisation that deals with bullying?

Mr Johnson

Hi,

It's perfectly normal to feel guilty about the bad things you've done in your life, happens to everyone, nobody's perfect ! Try to reflect on the nice things you've done for people to even it up.

Fluorescence

It's in the past. Forgive yourself and move on. If it will make you feel better, you could look people up and apologise.

wylo

I was never bullied much myself, a small bit maybe, but not much more than many others, but was defo in a circle of people that would have on the , lets say, bullied side. I have to say, the dislike for bullies tends to stay there a bit, mainly because you dont get to know them later on in life, so thats the only image you have of them.
But that suggestion about finding them on facebook and apologizing would have a massive massive impact on me in my opinion.
I would have huge respect for someone that had the decency to do that, it would completely change my opinion of them.

The other side of it is, you were just young, you were a different person, quite literally, as in, you were a different age , and had a different personality. Its not you now, so dont beat yourself up about it.

mikemac

wylo wrote: »

I was never bullied much myself,

I was and in the same age group to you OP. And it's something I'll never forget!

You think you're haunted with visions OP :rolleyes:
How do you think the people you were nasty to felt then and feel now?

Are you still in the same town? It's not hard to find people, say sorry over it and buy them a pint. In the same town it's quite easy to ask around and find people.
Or that facebook idea isn't bad either

curlzy

Hey OP,

I get that too. I was a right horrible bitch to some people when I was a teenager and a few of the things I did to people still haunts me. Like you, I learned from it and I never ever ever behave like that now. When I get a dose of the galloping guilts I always try to let it go, carrying guilt around is very bad for you. It does nothing positive, so make the decision that if you ever run into any of them you will give them a heartfelt apology. Don't look them up, in fairness an emailed apology 10 years after it happened won't mean much. I made the decision to apologise, I have apologised to 2 people so far but there is one girl that really riddles me with guilt at times. I would love to met her and apologise from the bottom of my heart but I wouldn't seek her out if you know what I mean. If I do ever run into her I will be apologising profusely, even if it means nothing to her now I still feel I owe it to her to admit I was a nasty cnut and apologise for it. Other than that just remember that punishing yourself now won't help anything, you're not the person you were then so in essense you're punishing the wrong person!!! Everyone has things they're ashamed of but punishing yourself continuously and thinking negatively all the time certainly won't make you into the person you want to be. You want to be a good positive person I'm sure, being riddled with guilt won't help that. Another thing you could do is write down all the things that hurt, like a list of your regrets like;

1. Called Tom a *&£$....
2. Joined in in bullying Stephen...
3. Made Sarah feel bad about....

then when you have them all written out, send out an apology to the universe or higher power you believe in and then burn it. It helps , I don't know why, but it does.


Best of luck.

seamus

tk123 wrote: »

You could possibly look the people up eg on Facebook and apologize if you think it'd help?

I think that's most people's gut instinct - to turn around and make amends or whatever. But I don't know if seeking these people out to apologise is necessarily the best thing.
You need to think about what you're trying to achieve with such an action. If it's forgiveness, you might not get it. If you're looking for them to turn around and say, "Ah it's grand, I appreciate you being sorry", you might not get that - instead you might be on the receiving end of a torrent of abuse.
These people have probably mostly moved on and forgotten about it now such that it's doesn't majorly affect their lives. Contacting them might just bring up **** they didn't want.

I was never severely bullied in school, but I was fat, intelligent and had glasses and braces. So I was never top of the pile either
It doesn't bother me at this stage of my life, but I can still think now of one or two people if they came up to apologise I'd tell them to FOAD, I'm not interested.

feelingstressed wrote: »

How do you think the people you were nasty to felt then and feel now?

As I say above, they might not feel anything now. It's been ten-ish years, they've most likely moved on, they are more mature, confident people with entirely different social structures. At this stage, some people may appreciate the apology. Others might be indifferent to it. One or two might take the opportunity to punch him in the face.

I would be inclined to accept the remorse for what it is. It will fade in time, but the reason you feel it is so that you won't make the same mistakes in future. That you feel the remorse now shows that you now realise it was wrong.
If you happen to see or bump into one of these people, then I would take that opportunity to make an apology. But I wouldn't otherwise seek them out to do so.

curlzy wrote: »

Another thing you could do is write down all the things that hurt, like a list of your regrets like;

This sounds like a good idea. Often simply admitting to yourself and showing yourself the mistakes you've made can be the first step towards getting past them.

LegacyUser

I was the same, man. I bullied a few kids pretty bad in primary then I was bullied myself severely in secondary school. Karma is a bitch, eh? Not saying that something awful is going to happen to you, just funny how it worked out for me.

I did some silly things when I was a kid that make me cringe. Obsessing about it isn't that healthy. Write down your thoughts and feelings about what you've done, accept them as intrinsic steps to growth and move on. If you hadn't of bullied anyone you wouldn't have the same compassion as you have now. Now you understand what it is to bully and how it can affect someone else, you're more self-aware of how you can hurt someone and I think in many ways it could have made you a better person.

I'm not saying that bullying is a 'good practice', but that you are making the best out of a hurtful situation.

When it comes to apologising, I wouldn't. Unless you meet them out in a pub or an event or somewhere like that.. Maybe buy them a few drinks and bring it up casually or say something like 'Yeah, I was a twat in school, sorry if I was ever annoying!', and leave it at that. Sending a FB message is cheap and tacky, they'll only think you're looking for forgiveness selfishly. Leave it be and learn from it! You're a good guy now, so keep it up!

wylo

curlzy wrote: »

Don't look them up, in fairness an emailed apology 10 years after it happened won't mean much. I made the decision to apologise, I have apologised to 2 people so far but there is one girl that really riddles me with guilt at times. I would love to met her and apologise from the bottom of my heart but I wouldn't seek her out if you know what I mean. If I do ever run into her I will be apologising profusely, even if it means nothing to her now I still feel I owe it to her to admit I was a nasty cnut and apologise for it.

Why not? It shows alot more effort and thought than just handily bumping into them and ceasing the moment, believe me, an independent facebook mail out of nowhere would signify how much you mean it and how much you were actually thinking about it, rather than just meeting them on the street and using that handy opportunity.

doubtfir3

wylo wrote: »

Why not? It shows alot more effort and thought than just handily bumping into them and ceasing the moment, believe me, an independent facebook mail out of nowhere would signify how much you mean it and how much you were actually thinking about it, rather than just meeting them on the street and using that handy opportunity.

tbh I was bullied quite badly in primary and wasn't bullied as such in secondary but the nickname carried on.. mostly secondary was very straightforward because i didn't let a few sly comments affect me.

I can wholeheartedly say that if I met any of the bullies from primary now I would happily tell them to as seamus so eloquently put it FOAD... I'm not interested in apologies.

After all OP the way I would look at it is...

Person X made my life a living hell years ago, left me very damaged in terms of my confidence which I had to work very hard to repair. Now, 5/10/20 years later they feel bad about it and want to apologise.

Fair enough, except I really couldn't be bothered accepting an apology from someone who feels bad about bullying me 5/10/20 years ago just so they can feel better about themselves.

I'm sure you do feel sorry for it, but IMO you made your bed.. harsh I know but its exactly how I feel based on what bullying and bullies did to me.

wylo

doubtfir3 wrote: »

I'm sure you do feel sorry for it, but IMO you made your bed.. harsh I know but its exactly how I feel based on what bullying and bullies did to me.

I see where your coming from with this side of it too.
As in , when we were that age, howcome we didnt bully people. Howcome only some people are bullies. It perhaps goes to show that even at a young age you are fully aware of the difference between right and wrong enough not to do the same to others. So maybe thats where the guilt lies.

LegacyUser

I was bullied throughout primary school, I've always been scrawny. To be honest it made me very insecure. However, it is something that I have put behind me. Like anyone, I have made mistakes in my life, but it is important not to brood over them. As my father quips; “All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from their mistakes.” OP, don't be so hard on yourself, you sound like a genuinely good person. You feel remorse, this portrays a great strength of character

Irish Guitarist

I was bullied for most of my childhood. From the time I started school until I left my life was a misery. When I was about thirteen I went through a brief phase of bullying other kids so as to get the attention away from myself. Among other things I made fun of some kids with disabilities and I'm not proud of it. I hate to think I may have made other kids feel as bad as I felt myself. However it was a long time ago (I'm 34) so I'm not going to beat myself up over it. Actually I did beat myself up over it for a few years after I left school but that didn't accomplish anything.

Some people never grow up and keep acting like bullies for the rest of their lives. I've had forty or fifty year old men who I didn't even know shout abuse at me in the street because of my hair or how I was dressed. In contrast you've learned from your mistakes. I think you should just move on.

LegacyUser

OP, at least you know that you were a nasty, horrible, thundering bítch. That's the first step if anything.
Funny how you have this thread, because I ran into a girl a few nights ago when I was out who was the ex of a guy who made my life hell when I was in secondary school. When she said his name I was just like "oh, him" and she asked what I thought of him.
I told her I won't lie, that I thought he's a nasty, horrible, person. She had no issues with him, and I said that I wasn't looking to turn her on him or anything, but that was my opinion of him and that it wasn't going to change.

I was excluded and bullied for years in school, the majority of the reasons being "I dunno, I just don't like ya" to people who never did anything wrong to. I'm still the same person I was then, except very successful and popular now, and at the beginning of this these groups who hated me couldn't accept that at all.

I still think they're asshóles now, and like some other posters said, I don't think that this would change since I used to féar school, going out, etc in case I ran into them. Honestly if it'll make you feel better contact them, if I got a message from any of them I'd treat it like a pinch of salt, but deep down I'd be glad they realised what they did was bad, of course I'd never tell them that, they don't even deserve that much for the hell they put me through

One thing I would HIGHLY recommend though, is that if/when you have kids, make sure that they're nice kids and that they never become nasty, I hope to God my kids don't have to out up with anything near through the hell that I went through for years.

Emme

Karma's a b*tch, isn't it. I met a guy over Christmas who was horrible to me and other girls when we were in our teens, he was a real cad. He's got a daughter of his own now just heading into her teens and he said that he's sick from worrying about the way guys will treat her because he remembers what he was like himself.

You'll just have to work through these feelings of guilt and consider it a sort of delayed retribution for what you did to people in the past. If you have children make sure they're not victims and that they don't bully other kids either. Good luck.