My girlfriend cheated on me

LegacyUser

Ok I'm not sure why I am here, maybe to vent I don’t know but I need to get this out. Have any of you been cheated on before? I don’t know anyone that has been hurt like the way I have. I am, sorry I was in a long term relationship for nearly 5 years. Things were difficult for the last year and we decided to go on a break to try work things out. I was hoping that this break would let my girlfriend miss me and we could work on things from there. Unfortunately my girlfriend decided that to her, the break meant we were "separated" and that gave her the go ahead to try be with someone else?????? I honestly don’t know where on earth she got this idea, we agreed that she needed to miss me???? Anyway, she immediately got talking to some bloke on Facebook and after a few weeks, it had got to the point that they were sending naked pictures to each other, her bent over, in sexual positions or whatever (Jesus it hurts even writing about it).. etc etc with chats going between them which included very descriptive ways of how they would like to f**k each other. It was a horrible, nasty, sickening thing to discover, I could actually feel my heart break right there and then, and it hurt like nothing else I have ever felt in my life

To make things even more interesting, this bloke on facebook is married. And another twist, my girlfriend had an affair in her last relationship too. She seems to leave a trail of destruction behind her, anyone that gets close to her gets their heart demolished eventually. I’ve heard the saying once a cheat, always a cheat but I never believed it could happen to me, cause she was so honest and open to me, but maybe there's no smoke without fire and there is a meaning to it after all. I will never be so naive again in the future. I never thought she would be able to do that to me, but she did

I'm writing this in a calm way but believe me it’s so darn hard to cope with this. I am always, and I mean always thinking about it, dreaming about it, crying about it, having panic attacks, getting sick thinking about what she did etc etc. I can be talking to someone but my mind can just suddenly wander off to thinking about her and what happened. I cannot think of anything else, I can’t function, I'm totally lost. I'm trying to keep busy by visiting people and doing things with limited success. Today I did something so stupid, I was driving on the motorway and out of nowhere, I completely scared myself, I just started driving fast, faster and faster and recklessly. No one else was around but sufficed to say I would have been disqualified from driving there and then if I was spotted by any garda. I don’t know why I did it, I felt alive, angry, scared, distracted, pumped, so insanely out of control... I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what possessed me to drive so fast and dangerously. I was angry more then anything, really angry. I hope to god this recovery doesn’t take long. Its all so fresh at the moment

I can’t believe I’m writing this. I never thought I'd be a victim to cheating. Im so angry at her but I also miss her so much. So many emotions running through my veins all day and all night long, its torture

LegacyUser

Hi,

I have not been in the same situation, but I have found that a bit of physical exercise (but not practicing karate in the kitchen...ouch) helps with emotions. Also, a brief chat with friends about it helps too. I think a few long walks in the country with group e.g. wicklow might take the edge off things. Look after your health and then dealing with this will be more manageable and less damaging. Give the car a break for a while, you might be safer when you get this cleared up in your head first.

I imagine more people with this kind of exp will post shortly.
Best of luck

That_Guy

OP. I know this isn't what you want to hear but you went on a break which is essentially a break up.

I was on one of these "breaks" but OP I assure you, it was a break up and I don't believe that she cheated on you. The way I'd take it is that you were both single when she did it.

As per the whole driving fast thing. Seriously mate, no girl is worth taking your life over.

Yes, it hurts but you should do what she's doing. Move on, see other people.

LegacyUser

That_Guy wrote: »

OP. I know this isn't what you want to hear but you went on a break which is essentially a break up.

No, we agreed this was not a breakup. We agreed that there was NO going off with anyone else. I mentioned this numerous times before the break happened and she nearly got angry at me because I mentioned it so many times. She said that she had NO plans to go off with anyone. She lied to me because within a day or two of me moving out, she was messing about with the bloke on Facebook. The break was to see if she missed me or not, but she didn’t give it a chance

fungun

hmm, im sorry to be a little harsh here but im gonna be honest.

imo you either have a break or you dont. Having a break but being faithful is not having a break.
Sounds to me like she thought you were on a break but her constraint was to not physically have sex with someone else....and I dont see from your post that she actually did have sex with someone else.....she did 'stuff' with someone else, but not have sex.
A break to make someone miss you is a risk.....sounds like didnt work out. Sounds like she enjoyed her freedom within her constraint...which were not the constraints you thought were in place.

When you have 'a break' your joint communication has to be spot on or **** like this happens.

How do you know she sent pics of herself like this to another guy?

Moomoo1

I'd tell his wife

curlzy

Hey OP,

I don't know why people are trying to tell you what you agreed with your girlfriend. Telling you what other people think a break means is worse than useless, if fact it's infuriating so don't bother trying to tell them what you agreed in YOUR RELATIONSHIP anymore. They're applying their logic to your relationship and that's just not helpful.

She did cheat on you, not a doubt in my mind that she did. You are completely justified in feeling angry, upset and devastated, I know I would be. All I can really point out to you is that you're better off knowing that your OH is a pathetic slapper now, rather than a few years down the road when kids/marraige/mortgage could be involved.

I'm really feeling bad for you here OP, my heart really goes out to you, that level of betrayal is just heart breaking. You say she's cheating with a married man??? Wow you've had a lucky escape from a manipulative, devious, moral-less slapper. I'm going to get shouted down for this but I think you should tell that man-slapper, he-hoe's wife, revenge is sweet as they say. I'm not saying you should go down the revenge road to the extent that it consumes you but a bit of just desserts might help you feel better.

So really what I'm trying to say is, you will feel better, this too shall pass and when it does you'll be able to see that bitch wasn't worth your time or effort. Please don't let it colour your view of women or make you loose trust in women, slappers like your ex are the exception, not the rule.

With regards to getting over her: CUT ALL CONTACT, delete from facebook, delete phone number etc. Get that skank out out your life completely. Give yourself some R & R and be kind to yourself, then when you've licked your wounds enough get busy, get active, socialise and lean on your friends and family, they'll help you through this. IMO any person, male or female, that does what your ex and that man-slapper have done is nothing more than knacker scum. So really what are you missing??? Nothing, that's what. Onwards and upwards as they say, any decent woman you get with in future will be a hundred times an improvement on your ex.

*Big hug* and Best of luck.

Wagon

Ignore all the crap about "well it was a break so she could do what she wanted..." People are a bit slow sometimes but hey, welcome to boards 2010. If you two agreed not to sleep with other people during this period and she did, then she broke the agreement and yes, she as good as cheated on you.

And your man is married. Come on son, you know yourself that this is dodgy territory. This hoore commands about as much respect as a child porn collector and seems to want to end up with guys who are arseholes. You don't sound like one to me, so don't be the stupid bastard who ends up with her for good.

Get her out of you life, do what you need to do to get the message into her head that it's over. And then put yourself first, get rid of all contact details for her, memories and all that ****e, get rid of it all. Give it a bit of time, distract yourself as much as possible and then you'll start to feel better.

And if it's any consolation, now you can meet someone nice and not end up with some cúnt like your ex Good luck mate.

sipstrassi

Wagon wrote: »

This hoore commands about as much respect as a child porn collector

Equating a facebook relationship between consenting adults (regardless of their relationship status) to child porn is way over the top.
Offensive even.

LegacyUser

You never said whether she ACTUALLY slept with him, so I take it she didn't.

So you were on a break, agreed to not be with anyone else, she wasn't and didn't, but you think she cheated?! What she did wasn't nice, granted, but if it was "just" online flirting, however graphic, then the decision to be made is whether or not your are ok with that - and I'm not saying you should or shouldn't be, that's your decision.

But this hand wringing, woe-is-me, "she cheated" crap is of no help to you. Some posters buying in to your self pity and calling her a skank, slapper, whore, all more than a bit extreme given the limited information we have to work with thus far, and saying she deserves as much respect as a child porn collector (WTF?!) is of no benefit to you what so ever either and just helps you justify your anger.

You do seem intimately familiar with her facebook escapades with the man in question - eh, do you mind clarifying how you know all this?!

Wompa1

Did you log into her facebook account or something? If so that's a little messed up too. But I'd say forget that b!tch, the kind of lady that send pictures of herself to a married man online is lower than the muck on the bottom of my shoes...keep telling yourself you can do better and why would I want to be with someone that has no morals and is a trashbag ho. Good luck buddy!

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here.

Thanks for responses. I'm trying to distract myself as much as I can. I feel like such a wimp, crying like a little baby all f**king morning. I need to sort myself out.

Wompa1 wrote: »

Did you log into her facebook account or something? If so that's a little messed up too. But I'd say forget that b!tch

Hi Wompa, I'm not proud of what I did, it was a total invasion of privacy I know, but I had suspicions so needed to find out, so I snooped.. as what happened a few years ago, when her other ex boyfriend did some snooping to find out if she was cheating, which she was...

I suspected something a few days ago, when she was asking me over the phone how to download a film. She didnt want to tell me the name of the film but I found out through my account online, it was the film Unfaithful. Alarm bells started ringing so I needed to check, and sure enough in one of her conversations with this f**ker she was saying how hot it was and that she wanted to start an affair

whatsamsn

We all know "lets take a break" 99.9% of the time means breakup. Yes to a degree the op should of seen that but being with her for 5 years ... give the op a break

Op, Ignore all this "she was single" crap. If someone says they are single / its over / etc then fair enough. Everything is clear as day. But someone cowardly saying "break" to mask a breakup only to want to / to go off with others in any small time frame after is a hurtful action and is betrayal.

whatsamsn

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I'd tell his wife

This is an interesting thing ...

On one hand, why not tell
On the other... its not going to cause the op's ex much problems i imagine (as I get the impression she doesnt know the wife?)

Call me petty but If someone hurts me and I have a means to hurt them ... I hurt them. Maybe thats just me? Maybe thats just life. But would telling his wife hurt the op's ex?

But then again.... this slimeball cheated on his wife. But more importantly he did it with the op's ex. Yes she is to blame here. Sure if it wasnt him it would be someone else. But why not tell I guess

Wagon

sipstrassi wrote: »

Equating a facebook relationship between consenting adults (regardless of their relationship status) to child porn is way over the top.
Offensive even.

No it isn't. It's an expression. You want to get offended? Fire away.

Unregistered39

sipstrassi wrote: »

Equating a facebook relationship between consenting adults (regardless of their relationship status) to child porn is way over the top.
Offensive even.

+1000. Jesus.

Package

Wagon wrote: »

No it isn't. It's an expression. You want to get offended? Fire away.

sipstrassi wrote: »

Equating a facebook relationship between consenting adults (regardless of their relationship status) to child porn is way over the top.
Offensive even.

+1000

what an idiot writing that. complete mornon and thank god they are not the judge and jury

sipstrassi

Wagon wrote: »

No it isn't. It's an expression. You want to get offended? Fire away.

It's an expression you have just used. It is not an expression in common parlance.
And no, I don't want to 'get offended'.

It's obvious from your posts that you've been hurt in the past. The 'advice' you give is coloured by it and is not impartial.
Suggesting child porn is equivalent to consenting adults having cybersex is asinine.

Wagon

Package wrote: »

what an idiot writing that. complete mornon and thank god they are not the judge and jury

Why thank you.

sipstrassi wrote: »

It's an expression you have just used. It is not an expression in common parlance.
And no, I don't want to 'get offended'.

It's obvious from your posts that you've been hurt in the past. The 'advice' you give is coloured by it and is not impartial.
Suggesting child porn is equivalent to consenting adults having cybersex is asinine.

Thread isnt about me. It's about the OP and they get locked if they get sidetracked. I don't think he'd appreciate that. So stop moaning at something flippant that I wrote. I won't be replying to your crap again.

CantBelieveSHEdidIT wrote: »

Hi, OP here.

Thanks for responses. I'm trying to distract myself as much as I can. I feel like such a wimp, crying like a little baby all f**king morning. I need to sort myself out.

Give yourself a chance mate. You only just found out.

After the first few weeks/days, things will improve. And then everything will improve quicker.

Might not seem like much consolation now but she's going to fúck up her own life by carrying on like this because she's just a shíte person. And you won't be part of it, leaving you free to have a better one with a nicer woman. When you feel like crap, keep that in mind and you can get through this with enough time.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Mate see a counsellor. You could have gotten yourself as well as others killed.

Yeah its gonna hurt like f*ck but you will eventually get over it. Your ex sounds horrible. Do what ya like about telling the guys wife but don't expect it to make you feel any better. He's done nothing wrong by you(though he is a prick) - she has. If it wasn't him it would have been the next guy she came across. Be thankful it wasn't one of your mates/brothers.

Chin up. If you can meet one girl you'll meet another - hard as it seems now

whatsamsn

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Mate see a counsellor. You could have gotten yourself as well as others killed.

He doesnt need to see a counsellor about this. he is just hurt. But your right about the rest bottle
Op we all go off the handle a little when we are hurt and betrayed by someone. Some turn to drink ... others throw themself in work. Ranges from person to person.

I know these words wont make things better, as lets face it, we all think about our own problems ... but most of us have been hurt by some selfish as*hole. It hurts. Takes a while. But we move on. Only after we are over it do we realise that old cliche "time heals all" is actually right.

sipstrassi

Wagon wrote: »

Thread isnt about me. It's about the OP and they get locked if they get sidetracked.

As you were the fist one to refer to other posters i would suggest you started the 'off-topic' by referring to people who don't agree with you as 'slow'.

Wagon wrote: »

Ignore all the crap about "well it was a break so she could do what she wanted..." People are a bit slow sometimes but hey, welcome to boards 2010.

Wagon wrote: »

So stop moaning at something flippant that I wrote

Child porn is something no one should be flippant about.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks again for kind words. I really hope time heals, and that it comes fast. We bought a house together two years ago but I am staying in my parents for now. To make things worse my only close friend in the world has headed off to the other side of the world today so I’ve only family here really to support me. Happy Christmas and New Year indeed Oh well, live and learn. Roll on next year

Oh, and her brother is my boss which makes things even more complicated

I feel like I should be on Jerry Springer :O

Wompa1

CantBelieveSHEdidIT wrote: »

OP here, thanks again for kind words. I really hope time heals, and that it comes fast. We bought a house together two years ago but I am staying in my parents for now. To make things worse my only close friend in the world has headed off to the other side of the world today so I’ve only family here really to support me. Happy Christmas and New Year indeed Oh well, live and learn. Roll on next year

Oh, and her brother is my boss which makes things even more complicated

I feel like I should be on Jerry Springer :O

Man oh man, why is it always the guy that has to leave the house. You'd think if she's the one that cheats she'd up sticks. Best of luck, The new year can only get better really!

kermitdfrog

Firstly, you don't mention if she actually slept with or even met up with the guy. You don't even allude to it. So I'm going to presume she didn't. Which means she didn't cheat. She flirted, online, however graphic that may have gotten. What she did wasn't "nice", and whether you think that was too much or a relationship breaker is then a personal decision - I'm not going to say it should or shouldn't as it's down to you (I think it's perfectly clear how you feel about it, and I know I couldn't put up with it either).

But calling it cheating is not helping you, nor is other posters calling her a slapper, whore etc. Or suggesting you get revenge. It's just helping you buy in to this woe-is-me mentality.

You can be upset, you can be pissed off, she may have different values to you that you hadn't realised, but she HASN'T cheated on you.

By the way, tried to ask this earlier in a post that wasn't published and I see someone else has asked this and you haven't answered - you seem to be very informed about the content of their facebook escapades. Eh, how?!

Ickle Magoo

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner.

If you have an issue with a post or poster, please use the report function rather than dragging the thread off-topic.

Please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter.
Many thanks.
Ickle

killerking

CantBelieveSHEdidIT wrote: »

Ok I'm not sure why I am here, maybe to vent I don’t know but I need to get this out. Have any of you been cheated on before? I don’t know anyone that has been hurt like the way I have. I am, sorry I was in a long term relationship for nearly 5 years. Things were difficult for the last year and we decided to go on a break to try work things out. I was hoping that this break would let my girlfriend miss me and we could work on things from there. Unfortunately my girlfriend decided that to her, the break meant we were "separated" and that gave her the go ahead to try be with someone else?????? I honestly don’t know where on earth she got this idea, we agreed that she needed to miss me???? Anyway, she immediately got talking to some bloke on Facebook and after a few weeks, it had got to the point that they were sending naked pictures to each other, her bent over, in sexual positions or whatever (Jesus it hurts even writing about it).. etc etc with chats going between them which included very descriptive ways of how they would like to f**k each other. It was a horrible, nasty, sickening thing to discover, I could actually feel my heart break right there and then, and it hurt like nothing else I have ever felt in my life

To make things even more interesting, this bloke on facebook is married. And another twist, my girlfriend had an affair in her last relationship too. She seems to leave a trail of destruction behind her, anyone that gets close to her gets their heart demolished eventually. I’ve heard the saying once a cheat, always a cheat but I never believed it could happen to me, cause she was so honest and open to me, but maybe there's no smoke without fire and there is a meaning to it after all. I will never be so naive again in the future. I never thought she would be able to do that to me, but she did

I'm writing this in a calm way but believe me it’s so darn hard to cope with this. I am always, and I mean always thinking about it, dreaming about it, crying about it, having panic attacks, getting sick thinking about what she did etc etc. I can be talking to someone but my mind can just suddenly wander off to thinking about her and what happened. I cannot think of anything else, I can’t function, I'm totally lost. I'm trying to keep busy by visiting people and doing things with limited success. Today I did something so stupid, I was driving on the motorway and out of nowhere, I completely scared myself, I just started driving fast, faster and faster and recklessly. No one else was around but sufficed to say I would have been disqualified from driving there and then if I was spotted by any garda. I don’t know why I did it, I felt alive, angry, scared, distracted, pumped, so insanely out of control... I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what possessed me to drive so fast and dangerously. I was angry more then anything, really angry. I hope to god this recovery doesn’t take long. Its all so fresh at the moment

I can’t believe I’m writing this. I never thought I'd be a victim to cheating. Im so angry at her but I also miss her so much. So many emotions running through my veins all day and all night long, its torture

What you need to do is completely shut this woman out of your life.
She is selfish, cruel and she is never going to change.
If she comes back on hands and knees tell her to jump in the river.
Onwards and upwards and find a girl who actually has respect for you and respect for herself.

whatsamsn

<SNIP>

Ickle Magoo

I've already given a warning - anybody else ignores it and they will earn themselves a ban.

Edited to add:

kermitdfrog wrote: »

By the way, tried to ask this earlier in a post that wasn't published.....

Just for the record, there are no posts by yourself that "haven't been published". Subscribers posts are not pre-moderated so if you had posted it, it would be on the thread unless deleted - and there are no deleted posts by yourself on this thread.

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

Please don't let it colour your view of women or make you loose trust in women, slappers like your ex are the exception, not the rule.

I really really REALLY hope you're right. I trusted her with my life, I really did but now I feel like a fool for doing so. If I’m honest I have lost all faith in women, I just hope this changes. She used to go on about how other women were tramps, and how they didn’t give a f**k if the fella they were trying to be with was in a relationship or not, and I would agree with her wholeheartedly, but then she does this??? Hypocrite, total hypocrite and fake. I told my ex that I would never open up to anyone else as much as I did her, never to put myself in that venerable position again. Its not my decision, I just at this moment feel I wont be physically, emotionally or mentally be able to do so

wow she's really f**ked me up

Taltos

CantBelieveSHEdidIT wrote: »

I really really REALLY hope you're right. I trusted her with my life, I really did but now I feel like a fool for doing so. If I’m honest I have lost all faith in women, I just hope this changes. She used to go on about how other women were tramps, and how they didn’t give a f**k if the fella they were trying to be with was in a relationship or not, and I would agree with her wholeheartedly, but then she does this??? Hypocrite, total hypocrite and fake. I told my ex that I would never open up to anyone else as much as I did her, never to put myself in that venerable position again. Its not my decision, I just at this moment feel I wont be physically, emotionally or mentally be able to do so

wow she's really f**ked me up

Op - not sure if it helps, but a good few years ago I was in a similar position to you. The only difference was we were not on a break. Didn't stop her fecking off with a married man and breaking up a new marriage.
Like you I went through a range of emotions - self-blame, guilt and eventual rage and distrust of all women in general.
It took me a long time to learn to trust any woman again, esp as this ex had seemed sweeter than sweet, v religious and all that - so I was 100% convinced I could trust her with my life.

Going to suggest some of the following though there is a lot more you can do to help yourself.
1. Take time - you need to get your head around this - so make sure that you get time alone, don't dwell, don't go in circles getting yourself madder and madder. The last thing you need to do here is anything stupid - all that will mean is that she has won...
2. Find a friend you can talk to or if you are afraid of overburdening someone find a counsellor - someone paid to listen. You need to get all this off your chest - talking through it really does help. Some other options to this are - (a) using boards - vent here - but be prepared for replies that may seem to judge you (b) Get a notebook / a4 pad and write down how you feel - then take each sheet - crunch it up and throw it individually into a fire - imagining those bad feelings floating away as you cast away the paper (does not work for all, but the letting go piece is key here).
3. Don't rush into another relationship - a few things might happen.
a) You have not learnt yet how to spot liars like her yet - so you repeat the cycle...
b) You have not dealt with all your anger and trust issues - so you decide to hurt that new girl as much/more as you have been hurt. Don't laugh at this I have seen mates go this route...
c) You could be lucky but right not odds are stacked against you.
4. Find something to distract your mind and/or body for a while - take up a sport (I know...) but get out running or join a team event - basically you need to burn off that anger and what better way to do that than to get fit so you can enjoy your new happier single life.

The good news though.
For me I took a break from dating for 3 years, in my case this meant a total break - no ons or random hook-ups - life of a bleedin monk...
However I am with my OH now 17 yrs in 2wks. Meeting her was the breath of fresh air I needed and the last piece to my puzzle in learning how to trust others after being so betrayed. Basically it is going to be slow - but take your time and remember while there are quite a few slutty b*stards out there are are some wonderful people too. Don't let this one relationship make you a lesser person.

Best of luck and while it will be slow it will get better.
For what it is worth - you have had one hell of a lucky escape... Imagine all this with a divorce hanging over your head...

Taltos

Hi op.
Don't forget to break all contact. For how she treated you she has earned the glorious place of "walking dead". There are so many reasons never to talk to here again, so don't, unless of course telling her what a slapper she is might help you, but if she is anything like my ex that will just he turned back on you other the tears will start because you just don't understand her....
Similarly if asked by friends, be honest about why you broke up but try not to maliciously bad mouth her...

Some here may suggest sleeping around right now, but in my case I knew I could not treat anyone as I had been treated. Recovery is slow but trust me in a while you will wake up one day and feel great again.

Once more Congrats on the lucky escape here... (look at the positive).

kermitdfrog

I hate to say it but I think it's VERY obvious from the OPs lack of responses to anything questioning his account and version of things and his only answering posts that agree with his take on things that there is more to this than he is letting on. Posters offering more "you are dead right", "cut her out", "she was a bitch" type of advice are only justifying the OPs self pity and ignoring the big chunks missing in his account (the fact that she HASN'T cheated and how the OP knows all this information).

It's clear to me OP that you don't really want advice, but simply confirmation of your own view point. I'm not saying your eventual conclusions are wrong - as I said, if you feel you can't live with her actions, so be it - but don't lie to yourself about what happened and face up to the truth of her, and your, actions. You may, as it seems. have different values and tastes that mean you are incompatible, but that doesn't mean she is everything you would LIKE to paint her as to make this easier.






Ickle - Sorry for any confusion, had tried to post without logging in (couldn't remember my password) as an anon user, that was the post that wasn't published that I was referring to, not anything under my account.