I found out my brother is gay and I am should I try and be straight?

lonelyguy

Hi! I an 18 year old guy and I am really lost. My brother is 29.
This is what happened.
Well basically My brother was home for x-mas about a week be4 x-mas day and was staying in the spare room. I keep books and old note copies for school in there. So basically. I was doing my exams and wanted to grab a few copied before I went into school so I went into the room and grabbed the copies I thought were mine. When I got into school I opened one of the copies and the first words that popped out at me was ''I told him I was gay''. I flicked to another page and and I found a list of people who he had came out to and was planning to and my family is next. I know now my parents won't really want him to be gay at all.
I know now that since my brother will prob come out in the next few weeks or so and and my parents will be looking at me for grand kids and to keep on the family name. I actually feel like I have to get married to a woman and have kids to make them happy because If they knew that they created two gay kids they would feel like failures and I don't want that because I really love my them and they mean so much to me.
I was trying to accept my sexuality but now I feel like I have to stop and be straight!
What should I do?

tenchi-fan

Your parents will just have to come to terms with it, just like you and your brother had to.

It's impossible to change your sexuality, although some religious books on amazon claim it is possible to at least live an asexual lifestyle. You should put the idea of a wife out of your head, although if you're in a committed gay relationship you may consider adoption or surrogacy.

Contessa Raven

Whatever you do, do NOT pretend to be straight. It's not who you are, you will end up miserable and living a lie. You will hurt yourself, the woman involved, any children that you may have and you will probably hurt your parents as well.

You won't be able to pretend to be something you're not forever. It will come out eventually and your parents will probably feel hurt that you couldn't tell them about the real you.

All any parent wants is for their children to be happy.

Your brothers sexuality is none of your concern. If he's gay then there isn't anything anyone can do about it. Same goes for you. Your parents might be upset but they'll just have to get used to it and accept it.

Being gay is nothing to be ashamed about. And having two or more gay children is nothing to be ashamed about.

Blatter

Did you really come on here expecting other people would actually tell you that you should supress your own sexual feelings for the sake of you're parents and brother?

You know what should be done, everyone knows what should be done.
It's up to you whether you do it or not.

Distorted

You will only make yourself and everyone around you miserable by living a lie. I would pity any woman used as an incubator in such a situation! Perhaps you should talk to your brother about it, as he might be able to give you support. Maybe 18 is a bit young to come out and you would be happier waiting, maybe not. You have to make your own decisions and live your own life. If you decide to have children, do it for yourself and the children involved, not to please your parents! I'm a woman who has no intention of having children because I just don't want to, and certainly wouldn't let the desire of my parents to be grandchildren influence my decision in any way! Live your own life!

neuro-praxis

If it makes you feel any better, this is not actually that uncommon OP. It is this precise phenomenon that has led to the belief that there is a genetic element in homosexuality. It does tend to run in families.

Fluorescence

I hate to break it to you, but you can't "snap yourself out of" your sexuality. Your parents will manage just fine with 2 gay sons.

Also, you found your brother's school copies? Isn't he 29? Why would he leave that lying around, and how has your whole family not already found out?

lonelyguy

It was just a copy he was writing into about coming out to people in and I saw it on the floor and I picked it up by mistake.

tinkerbell

OP, it doesn't matter if your brother is gay or straight. You cannot change yourself just because he is gay as well. Your parents will just have to get over it, you cannot change whether you are straight or gay just to please people. Good luck.

iguana

lonelyguy wrote: »

I know now that since my brother will prob come out in the next few weeks or so and and my parents will be looking at me for grand kids and to keep on the family name.

And who is to say that you and your brother won't both "provide" them with that? If it is what you and/or your brother want, when the time comes there are ways for gay men to have children. If there is one thing I have learned over the years, it's that life has a habit of often not working out as we plan but that doesn't mean that we can't make the very best of how it does turn out.

Chuchoter

Well you need to ask your brother first. A lot can change between 29 and school copy days. It could have been a joke for all you know!

If it is the case that both of you are gay, do not try and pretend to be anything. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. It was the worst mistake I've ever made and I'm still paying for it. You are not your parents. You don't owe them this. You owe it to them to work hard in school, not waste money and not get into trouble. Grandchildren are still possible if you are gay, but they are not a payment to them for having raised you.

lonelyguy

crayolastereo wrote: »

Well you need to ask your brother first. A lot can change between 29 and school copy days. It could have been a joke for all you know!

If it is the case that both of you are gay, do not try and pretend to be anything. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. It was the worst mistake I've ever made and I'm still paying for it. You are not your parents. You don't owe them this. You owe it to them to work hard in school, not waste money and not get into trouble. Grandchildren are still possible if you are gay, but they are not a payment to them for having raised you.

It's a new notebook!
It has only being written in since the last year or so it is new. I only know one name on the list of the people he's come out to and she a 50 year old woman.

Fluorescence

What I want to know is how he can get to 29 years of age and still in the closet? Even for someone with a homophobic family (I'm guessing, from your fears of disappointing your parents) that strikes me as kind of old. Someone more knowledgeable about this might be able to tell me otherwise though .

Anyway, come out of your own accord. What your brother does or does not intend to do isn't really your concern. He didn't confide in you, you discovered it by accident.

Chuchoter

lonelyguy wrote: »

It's a new notebook!
It has only being written in since the last year or so it is new. I only know one name on the list of the people he's come out to and she a 50 year old woman.

Oh I see :S This is actually one of things I dread happening with my younger brother, but still, don't try to be straight. It will only hurt everyone involved.

Denerick

fluorescence wrote: »

What I want to know is how he can get to 29 years of age and still in the closet? Even for someone with a homophobic family (I'm guessing, from your fears of disappointing your parents) that strikes me as kind of old. Someone more knowledgeable about this might be able to tell me otherwise though .

Seriously. Do you even know Ireland. In my home town there are dozens of men in their 40s of dubious sexuality, both married and unmarried. Everyone suspects.

OP, I'm not going to bull**** you. Ireland is a very backwards country in many respects, and it will be a serious shock for your parents to discover that they have not just one, but two gay children. In the long run it is better for you and them that they know but choose your time carefully. A lot of the feedback you are getting here is very rose tinted but in the real world people are going to be incredibly shocked by news like this. Its a pity, but all too many parents (Particularly fathers) still live in the dark ages.

LegacyUser

OP
i have brothers by birth and an unoffically adopted brother who are all gay. My eldest brother hid it from all bar my sister until he was 28 and only came out to us because my younger brother came out first at 18. My Adopted brother who is my age had lived the straight life, got married and it was his wife who got him to face the truth.

My Father who would have given the impression he was homophobic reacted like it was the most normal thing in the world,my mother was disappointed that the Lads took so long to tell her something she always felt was 99% possible.

Wecome from a small town and everyone knows the lads are Gay. It does not effect any of the rest of Us including the younger generation.
Live your own life. You are your parents sons and thay will accet who you are although it may take a while

cafecolour

As said, don't try and hide it, it's not possible and will only hurt you in the long run.

Your parents will have a bit of a shock (their first instinct at having to gay sons will probably be to think they've done something in your upbringing to cause it), but they'll adjust.

And also as said above, being gay doesn't mean you can't be giving your parents grandkids either!

mikemac

Hi OP

This thread is ongoing in LGBT and also in After Hours, god knows what why you started this in After Hours

You'll get good advice here or LGBT forum and in fact, you have great advice already. Me, I replied in LGBT earlier so need to reply again in PI.

So maybe no need for you to start this thread another couple of times...........

Cheap Thrills!

Do not marry a woman to 'cover up' that you are gay. If your parents have a problem dealing with their sons sexuality that's their problem. Grandchildren aren't guaranteed. It's not something you're obliged to 'deliver'. Also, it's wrong to drag an innocent woman into a problem that's nothing to do with her.

I don't know what this weird parallel 'dark ages' Ireland everyone is always going on about is. No-one I know has any problem with gay people.

And if they have just blank them.

Don't countentance backward people like that. They're a waste of intelligence. The more you pander to the likes of them the worse they get.
They've little to be worrying about if someone elses sexuality is all that bothers them.

If you're gay you're gay. You cant 'become' straight. It's hard wired into you so enjoy it and quite frankly, fcuk anyone who can't deal with it.

curlzy

It makes me angry and sad that people have to "hide" or declare their sexuality. I think the only person you are answerable to about your sexuality should be the person you're sleeping with. Unfortunately this isn't an ideal world, some idiots thinks it matters who you're attracted to, it really shouldn't. I would suggest you talk to your brother, you could be a bit of support for each other. The GLBT forum under soc should be a good form of support so post there too to get advise from people who've gone through this. Please never ever try to hide your sexuality behind a bogus relationship, it's very unfair for all concerned and ultimately could really destroy you. You deserve to be happy.

Best of luck OP.