Not sure if I'm happy with her

LegacyUser

This is something that's been bugging me for a while now, so I thought I'd post it up here and see if anyone would be nice enough to give their view on things. Cheers in advance for even reading.

I'm a guy, early 20s, going out with a girl for 6 months now and as the title suggests I don't know if I'm happy in the relationship. I should state that this is really my first proper long term relationship, so experience with things this long is kinda low.

The thing is, especially of late I'm kinda sick of having a part time girl friend. She takes college very seriously, works around 20 hours a week (has to for financial reasons) and has to deal with her crazy parents (divorced and only "talk" through her) and basically look after her younger sister a fair bit. She also had a terrible long term relationship with a guy during her mid-teens who treated her like sh*te, psychologically abusing/controlling and apparently bordered on the physical once or twice. Obviously I couldn't believe someone would treat her that way, and have gone out of my way to treat her with respect etc, though sometimes she still reacts to things like I was him, which tbh is quite hurtful because I do lover her and she knows I'd NEVER treat her that way and she tells me she does but still can be quite reserved about us as a couple, while I've always been open. There's some times when she'd lie (about small enough things to be fair) instead of just saying what she really feels, as if it's because if she said the truth I'd be pissed off and fly off the handle. I've always told her to just be honest and if she doesn't like something, or I pissed her off etc to just tell me and we'll talk it out, that I'm not the ex, I am reasonable and understanding.

I've always tried to be as supportive as possible, comfort her when her parents argue, put off seeing her because of college work (I have always said that college is v important and I wouldn't want her to sacrifice her grades just to spend a couple hours with me, that there was always time for us to see eachother) and we havn't been on a night out together for over two months.

We don't have that much sex, but considering the obstacles we deal with (not having our own places etc) we do ok.

The amount of times she'd txt has drastically dropped recently. We'd txt all night till we (usually her) would fall asleep, and I loved waking up to a txt from her continuing the conversation. Now it's at least 5/6pm before she'd txt, and usually I'd txt first. She knows I miss her a lot, and she says she misses me, but even when she has a day off work she never says so we can see eachother. I always have to plan things, we are meeting up tomorrow and spending a lot of the day together, but I had to decide where we go and what we do and I don't want to make all the decisions as she's in this relationship too, I don't want to be controlling.

We never go out any more, together. It's like we're living two different social lives atm and then we see each other when we can. I can't even ask her out sat nights now because I know she'll say no she can't, the rejection of it is kinda taking it's tole. I mean usually couples mix with each others friends right? She was suppose to go out with her friends last night (which is no problem at all like), but she never even mentioned it till about 7pm (not that she needed my permission or anything crazy like that) and never thought "hey I'll ask my boyfriend to come too, and he's never met my friends so here's a perfect opportunity". Like she has met a lot of my friends, I've met practically none of hers.

She had planned a few months back to go to a college "ball" yoke, and it had to be suggested to her by one of her friends that maybe asking your boyfriend to go to the ball with you is an idea. She asked me three days before hand. I had the attitude of "no she's new to this course etc let her go makes new friends and enjoy the night out etc" but tbh it was hurtful that she never even though of asking me.

One of her friends feels she's still governed by her ex and that unless we talked about it she would end up subconsciously pushing me away, and I think it might be happening and I don't know how to stop it. She would never even mention the ex, but on the friends pushing we did the whole ex talk from both sides a while back. There is also interference with the mutual friend who basically tried to break us up so she could have me apparently. However there was no chance of that happening because I love my girlfriend and never saw the friend in that way, I was actually quite oblivious to the whole thing. And when it came to light, the mutual friend now feeling quite guilty without admitting what she did (has had drunken breakdowns because I've apparently stopped talking to her) while I was pissed that she'd try do such a thing, my gf felt sorry for her, because she's "lonely". I've been lonely before, didn't try breakup two of my best mates though now did I.

I love the girl, I really do, and she loves me back. Is this just frustration? The fact that I've barely seen her in over the past month. Or is this my subconscious saying "hang on there's a little more too it than that".

Very sorry this ended up longer than intended, but any feedback would be brilliant, thanks.

Ickle Magoo

You are in your early 20's and your relationship is only six months old - if you aren't head over heels and loving it, then get out would be my advice.

If you don't want to end things then you must sit her down and tell her what you've posted and thrash out compromised to everything that's bothering you about the relationship.

All the best

Eve_Dublin

You sound like a nice guy OP and for a guy with very little experience, you seem to have your head screwed on.

Your just going to have to confront her and tell her exactly what you told us. I think you're going to have to be honest with yourself and decide that even though she loves you, is this what you want from a relationship and is it worth all the stress? This could continue on for a few more years until she finishes her course. You should be out of your mind with happiness right now. You're young and you can afford to take your time feeling your way, particularly as this is your first relationship...this is all a learning curve for you but you shouldn't waste your time being in a situation that gets you down. You're too young for that. Do what makes you happy.

You really have to talk to her though.

Wompa1

I'm nearly two years in a similar relationship. She had other traumatic stuff happen in her life before me and I feel like it's having a huge impact on our relationship. Like you, I am still madly in love with this girl but our relationship is a distant not even second probably 4th or 5th in her life after herself, her family, her college work, her friends etc. I tried to break up with her a month ago and she pleaded with me to stay and that she'd make more of an effort.

Sadly she hasn't really made much of an effort and has actually accused me of being unfair and putting her under pressure.

The only way I see this going for my situation is a break up really. At our age it's really the last roll of the dice for going exploring and enjoying ourselves. If she's not as commited to the relationship as me then I don't see the point in sacrificing either.

Good luck with your situation

Fluorescence

Being only 6 months in, can you be sure you love her? You're both young, so if you're really not completely into the relationship, there's not a whole lot of reasons to stay in it. You're dealing with a lot of someone else's issues here for your first relationship, and it sounds way too "heavy" for my taste anyway. I'd get out of it, amiciably, if I were you. Things should be light and carefree at our age, especially in the beginning of a relationship.

LegacyUser

Hey guys, thanks so much for the replies.

Spent the day together today, was really lovely. We talked stuff out a bit too, which was healthy, seemed to sort things out alright. Was kinda weird actually, was actually such a small little thing which seemed to click, like a realisation. She actually started it the convo off, realising that we don't see each other as we should, and that she missed me over christmas, and has started to organise for us to meet up and such.

Was also that I needed to realise what was upsetting me, truly understand it instead of just going head first and recklessly into the situation and muck everything up.

I never thought I wanted to break up with her. I guess I just needed to post my thoughts up here to understand them properly. So thanks again guys for the replies

@Ickle Magoo: I was really head over heels (that phrase really annoys me, surely it means your just standing, but anyway) in love with her, until the christmas period kicked in and interrupted things, just another one of those things people have to deal with in a relationship I guess.

@fluorescence: I'm sure I'm in love with her, known for quite a while. I've always been a bit more "mature" for my age group, as in at 15 I never wanted to go out knacker drinking cause to me it was freezing my arse off in a field with a couple crap cheap cans and then praying to god that I could sufficiently hide it from my rents, or randomly go and score 3/4 girls at Wess (or whatever it's called). It never attracted me. I've always preferred relationships (or at least the idea of one) over casualness. I had a casual thing with a girl several month before I met my gf and hated every minute of it. I'm glad of it though as it confirmed my values as a person.

@Wompa1: I can sympathise with your situation. I think the one main difference between us is that we've never argued, never accused each other of anything and never got to the point of considering breaking up legit. I had a mate similar to you, wanted out but the gf pleaded and begged. Be strong mate and do what you have to do.