No present to Mum from brother because he's unhappy with her 'will'

LegacyUser

And he seems to be witholding of help when he's needed because he feels he's entitled to more than Mum has said he will get. Everything is to do with money as far as he's concerned. When she was ill a few years ago he spoke primarily about what he stood to inherit not about her health. Another family member died a few years ago and again he was pre-occupied with and unhappy about his inheritance, not about the loss of a loved one.

I find that attitude revolting.

What can I do about him?

Can I do anything?.

Mum is upset.

Nody

Tell your mum to cut him out completly and go on living life with out him?

Don't sound like it would be a big loss honestly but that is about all you (or your mum) can do about it.

Firetrap

What a delightful person! It's hard on your mum but unfortunately there's not a thing you can do to change your brother's personality. He is what he is.

All you can do I think is support your mum as best you can. The same goes for any other siblings if you have them. Let her see that she does have family who love her for what she is, not a cash windfall.

LegacyUser

amazing when there are deaths in families, and wills/money involved, people's real personalities come to the surface.....
I see it in my own family. I wouldn't care if I never got anything in a will, once someone is dead, they are dead, but it's a shame that people fall out over it.
I suppose there is nothing you can do. I do find it very bad minded that people are more concerned with money in this type of situation.

dudara

It's amazing what wills/inheritances do to people. It really shows their true character.

He should be grateful that she gave birth to him - not be waiting for her to pop her clogs so that he can clean up.

tinkerbell

Your brother is a disgrace. A parent's duty is to raise their child, feed them, care for them until they are 18. Your parents are not obligated to leave ANYTHING to your brother.

Your mother should just cut him off completely. If all he wants from her now is money, then she should just cut him out. To say that all he cared about before when she was ill a few years ago was what his inheritance would be is absolutely vile and disgusting behaviour.

Distorted

I agree with all of that but what is the actual situation? Does he stand to get less in the will than others and do you all care for your mother?

WhodahWoodah

My parents are only approaching retirement now and my siblings and I have told them that when they get older to enjoy their retirement, spend all the money and extract every penny of equity from the house and just have a ball! We're all adults and fully willing to take care of ourselves and we'd all rather see our parents enjoy their money then see them have a less great retirement so that they can keep money aside for us when they're dead!

Maybe put that idea to your selfish brother!

wealthyman

But is he getting less inheritance than other siblings in the will? If so then I can see his point and would behave exactly the same. Fair is fair.

WhodahWoodah

wealthyman wrote: »

But is he getting less inheritance than other siblings in the will? If so then I can see his point and would behave exactly the same. Fair is fair.

You're supposed to be good to your parents because they're your parents and they raised you, not because you're waiting for a payday when they die. Parents have a total right to divide their assets whatever way they want between their kids. They might leave one more than another because maybe one needs more than another. If parents have 4 kids, 2 are doing well, 2 are struggling, who could blame them for giving more to the struggling ones? Likewise, if the kids do different amounts, they might feel grateful and leave different amounts because of that, but that doesn't mean you only do lots for them in the expectation of a larger chunk of the "loot"!

Inheritance is a gift and not a right. If the son's help and attention has to be bought then it's not worth having because it's insincere and only for the money. He's basically saying that if he was getting his "fair share" in the will he wouldn't refuse to help with his folks or even buy a Christmas present. Mercenary no matter what way you look at it.

I still say they should leave funeral costs in a jar and blow the rest!

Monkey Allen

WhodahWoodah wrote: »

I still say they should leave funeral costs in a jar and blow the rest!

But how do you know when you're going to die? You might plan to live up to 80 and then live another 20 years. I dont believe that parents should be saving up to have something to hand over to their kids when they die, but there is likely to be something left. Therefore, a friend of the family should be nominated as the person who divides up the remainder equally to the kids/brothers/sisters etc. Therefore, you take what you get.

Theres obviously always some sentimental objects that belong to parents which kids grow attached to as they grow up with them and it would seem right that they are given these once the parents die. But, if that doesnt happen it shouldnt be a big deal or even an issue at all. The tragedy is in losing your parents, not the lamp from the kitchen.

Freddie59

wealthyman wrote: »

But is he getting less inheritance than other siblings in the will? If so then I can see his point and would behave exactly the same. Fair is fair.

Not really. If he is getting less there may be a reason for it. Speaking as a parent of three children aged 25/22/20 what we have done is a three-way split of all assets.

We've told them there will be no cash (save the money to bury us); we're intent on living it to the full; - the house will be paid for and worth a bit, so they'll have a few bob out of that (if neither of us ends up in care).

However, what I don't agree with is this whole perception that there should be a 3-way split (or 4 or whatever) based on numbers. If one of them fcuked me over in any way I wouldn't think twice about adjusting it.

I come from a family of six, and the eldest brother was the last left at home when my Mam died (God rest her). He got everything - and she left us under no illusion of this before she went.

No-one had a problem with this, as we are all married a long time and comfortable.

CDfm

Why is your mother talking about a will ffs.Wills should be private and a bequest is a gift.So I imagine the culture within your family has brought this issue up. It seems both morbid and manipulative to me.

It is different where you have a family business and family members work for it or indeed contribute their time and energy to an activity or indeed provide care and whatever.In that case they do have a vested interest and playing favorites to get the most out of them is a head wreck.

LegacyUser

Thanks all...this man's attitude has been a source of disturbance for me for quite some time. Sadly if I died suddenly his primary concern would be for the direction of any money I have. It's not as though he hasn't been looked after but always seems to want more, regardless of whether he has contributed anything to deserve more. He is oblivious to how much he hurts me and now Mum with this attitude, that's the worst part. He isn't aware of how offensive this attitude is. He isn't an easy person to talk to.

Deeply upset when my uncle and father figure died last year, he showed no remorse and spoke of his potential inheritance...as I said same way when Mum was ill.

CD fm your comments are offensive. It's natural when people get older or ill that that consider what they want to happen to their estate (if there is one) when they're gone. For example If a child , or aunt or uncle is living with a parent they may be given reassurance that they won't be forced to leave in the event of a death etc.. There is no inheritance culture in my family, apart from this one individual

Ickle Magoo

Count Duckula9999998 wrote: »

It's natural when people get older or ill that that consider what they want to happen to their estate (if there is one) when they're gone.

Natural to discuss it with a solicitor, yes.

I think CDfm has a point - discussing who gets what and how the spoils are going to be divided while the person is still alive is rather morbid - and has the potential to cause all manner of issues as you are finding out. Nobody knows what is going to happen in life to make promises of specific inheritances - there is no way of knowing if an estate will survive in it's entirety, nor what the value of the assets that make up the estate will be in the future.

I actually think it's a little odd to announce who is getting what. I wouldn't like my parents to that A) because I hope they spend everything they have enjoying their lives and I wouldn't like it hanging over my head like some kind of emotional blackmail-esque incentive to behave or act in a specific way lest I be "cut from the will".

As for your brother, just ignore him. Estates aren't bequeathed according to how much people do nor necessarily on the most deserving - it's entirely up to the estate owner who gets what and if your brother isn't happy with that then that's his issue; one you know he has a history of having - and perhaps that's a point to consider before anyone else in your family makes these kind of announcements.

ztoical

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Natural to discuss it with a solicitor, yes.

I think CDfm has a point - discussing who gets what and how the spoils are going to be divided while the person is still alive is rather morbid - and has the potential to cause all manner of issues as you are finding out. Nobody knows what is going to happen in life to make promises of specific inheritances - there is no way of knowing if an estate will survive in it's entirety, nor what the value of the assets that make up the estate will be in the future.

A will can be a very tricky legal issue and its not morbid for a family to discuss the issue in connection with other issues relating to someones wishes when they pass on. My father died three years ago and yes we had discussed his will, as he worked overseas and it was a legal requirement of his job that he update it every time he went overseas, but not much else and it was left to my mother to sort the funeral and all the legal issues even though my parents had agreed everything he had would be left to my brother and I. In light of my ignorance of my fathers wishes regarding his funeral I did have a sit down with my mother and discussed not only what she wanted funeral wise but also what I wanted if I went before her and we discussed her will as my mother is not as organized as my father and as she co-owns a business there is alot of legal bull**** that will have to be dealt with and I'd rather I sort it as I know it's something my brother will not want to deal with. Her will was not discussed in a "what do I get" attitude but from a legal stand point of what needs to be sorted, its the reality of someone dieing and it took well over 2 years to sort my dads will out due to my mum not wanting to deal with it and me not knowing anything about it.

A close friend of mine refused to talk to his mum who was very ill about her will. He was the youngest and still living at home and a month after she died his older brother kicked him out of the house to move his family in. A 20 min conversation could have cleared so much up. It does not need to be something morbid, yes it's not nice to talk about someone you love dieing but the fact is we are all going to die. A 20 min talk with my mum cleared up what needs to be done legally and what she wants when she passes away [pretty much take all her friends to the pub and get them all pissed] and if I pass away before her she knows what I want.

I think the OP's brother is disgusting for focusing on the money and what he gets. I didn't care and still don't care about anything my father left me his will, I want my dad not some cash in my bank account.

CDfm

Count Duckula9999998 wrote: »

CD fm your comments are offensive. It's natural when people get older or ill that that consider what they want to happen to their estate (if there is one) when they're gone. For example If a child , or aunt or uncle is living with a parent they may be given reassurance that they won't be forced to leave in the event of a death etc.. There is no inheritance culture in my family, apart from this one individual

Sorry, I did not mean to be offensive. Your brother sounds like my uncle.

If someone is an adult then they should behave that way. If someone is living at home as a carer then they are entitled to be treated differently. However, in your situation this seems not to be the case.

The details of your mothers will should be private. What she should do is see her solicitor and explain the issue to him on the basis that there is a potential for a dispute when she does eventually pass on. Sibling rivalry etc - you can love your kids but may not like them as individuals.

This issue is dominating your brothers relationship with your mother and will probably cause an issue unless your mum handles it properly now. I wouldnt class a bottle of perfume etc as being important but if your brother is the type of man who keeps bringing up this issue then it is only your mother can tell him to stop or if he persists to get her solicitor to write to him.

I don't know what your brother is like and he may be a bit of a bully and it would be very hard on any parent to say "I raised a rat".

All this will stuff is damned unhealthy with your brother behaving this way. Myself , girlfriend and my two kids are visiting my parents in a few days and will be more concerned about their health and happiness than anything else.

Best of luck with this and I do think your Mum needs to get outside advice.

iguana

ztoical wrote: »

A will can be a very tricky legal issue and its not morbid for a family to discuss the issue in connection with other issues relating to someones wishes when they pass on.

I agree. Plus that one thing I have come across on a number of occasions is confusion and hurt at what might seem like an uneven distribution. It's often not unhappiness at not getting a windfall but a feeling that maybe they mattered less, if they got less. If you are thinking of doing anything "unusual" with your will, a frank conversation with your children when you are deciding the terms might save years of doubt or marred memories.

Ickle Magoo

ztoical wrote: »

A will can be a very tricky legal issue and its not morbid for a family to discuss the issue in connection with other issues relating to someones wishes when they pass on.

Agreed, but the OP hasn't mentioned discussing his mothers general wishes when they pass on - the OP specifically related to inheritance and a brother who was looking at the situation in terms of assets and what they stood to gain from their mothers death.

Why anyone would want to start a family feud by announcing prior to their death what their will contains - not making their wishes known in terms of discussing preferred burial arrangements or legal agreements regarding home occupancy by a younger sibling, something that I would think most families are already well aware of - but what way assets are going to be divided among siblings seems very odd, especially given the OP's brother's history.

LegacyUser

Thanks CDfm, I realise that you don't know that much about me from the first posts, and couldn't easily guage what type of household I'm from...thanks for your words. Thanks to everyone for their words.

dan_d

OP, I have to agree with CDfm.My first thought on reading your post was "why on earth does your brother know what he stands to inherit in your mother's will?Right now, it's none of his business".

I'm not saying it's a morbid thing to discuss.It's not. But it's something that needs to be between your Mum, her solicitor, and your Dad (if he's still around, can't remember if you said he was or not). And that is it. The most your mum should have said to your brother is that he will inherit an amount (not specified), and that's it. If she's dividing evenly, then that's that. If she isn't dividing evenly, surely she can leave something with the will, explaining her motives.I agree wills can absolutely destroy families, where a 20 min conversation would have explained everything, but your brother's behaviour is disgusting.

I don't have any major suggestions, other than maybe your mum needs to talk to her solicitor.And if she is that bothered by it, she should seriously consider the approach of saying that she is changing her will/altering it....and no further details.Nothing.No matter what your brother says.Take the line that he'll find out when she's dead, he's managed so far, and he will continue to manage.

It's a horrible situation, and unfortunately, I think your mum is that only one who can address it.

LegacyUser

You have to look at it from the otherside though.

Peoples kids don't develop this way of thinking for no reason, it comes from somewhere, usually the Parents.

Parents can use the ''I'll leave the house to your sister and you'll get nothing unless you do what I say"

Needless to say I recommended they spend it and enjoy it because they can't take it with them.

It's disgusting in my opinion for anyone to use their future death as a tool in such a way.

Or even for the other person to mention some issue with someones will before their even dead.