Father having affair

LegacyUser

My father asked me to fix his phone and when I did i saw that he was texting another woman talking about the great time he had with her ect. now I dont get on with my father hes a very hard man to live with when i did live with him and often bullies my mother but still I am hurt seeing this and was wondering what people here would do in such circumstances?

LegacyUser

Upsetting as it is, stay out of it. Your dad has made this decision and honestly, you do not know the whole of it. Your mother also made the decision to live with him. She surely knows what he's like and is a grown woman.You don't really have any options that result in a good outcome. Just be there for your mother should she need you.

Besides, why were you reading his texts?

Emme

confused_son wrote: »

My father asked me to fix his phone and when I did i saw that he was texting another woman talking about the great time he had with her ect. now I dont get on with my father hes a very hard man to live with when i did live with him and often bullies my mother but still I am hurt seeing this and was wondering what people here would do in such circumstances?

Have you moved away from the family home? Is your father still living with your mother?

It isn't really your business what goes on between your parents, maybe your mother knows what's going on. Obviously your father doesn't care or doesn't show your mother that particular phone as he left the texts on it. Could you have avoided looking at the texts while you were fixing his phone? At the end of the day your father is an adult and what he does is his business.

You could tell him that you won't fix his phone again and that he can pay a phoneshop to fix his phone next time. Try to support your mother as best you can in the meantime.

WesternNight

I know people say it's none of your business...and I suppose that's fair enough. But this is your father, and your parents and family ARE your business as far as I'm concerned.

If you decide to say something to your father, or to your mother, you do need to tread carefully. Be prepared for a backlash. Be prepared to be told to get out and never come back. And be prepared to be there to pick up any pieces that fall apart if you say something to your mother and she doesn't already know.

You don't get on with your father, so don't say anything if it's going to be out of spite or revenge.

LegacyUser

leaveit101 wrote: »

Upsetting as it is, stay out of it. Your dad has made this decision and honestly, you do not know the whole of it. Your mother also made the decision to live with him. She surely knows what he's like and is a grown woman.You don't really have any options that result in a good outcome. Just be there for your mother should she need you.

Besides, why were you reading his texts?

well he gave me the phone because the writing on the texts was screwed up and when i saw the start of one text I wrongly read some others. i get what your saying about it not being my business but my father treats my mother like sh1t. she genuinly doesnt know that he would or is having an affair. i went home for christmas and listened to him bully her knowing this. i will be there for my mother of course if she needs me. i was wond4ering should i confront him

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

Have you moved away from the family home? Is your father still living with your mother?

It isn't really your business what goes on between your parents, maybe your mother knows what's going on. Obviously your father doesn't care or doesn't show your mother that particular phone as he left the texts on it. Could you have avoided looking at the texts while you were fixing his phone? At the end of the day your father is an adult and what he does is his business.

You could tell him that you won't fix his phone again and that he can pay a phoneshop to fix his phone next time. Try to support your mother as best you can in the meantime.

I couldnt have avoided reading at least one of his texts but i did wrongly read all of that text. i dont live at home. what he does is his business but hes treating a woman who raised me like **** and the coming home and bullying her, its not easy to detach from it

seenitall

Normally I would say: tell her! as I know that if I were a cheated on wife, I would of course want to know, even if it is told me by my own son.

BUT a woman who lets herself be bullied in her marriage sounds like she will have no internal recourse to do anything at all about this hurtful information, so I can't really see much point in disclosure - IN THIS CASE.

Best wishes.

IrishEyes19

seenitall wrote: »

Normally I would say: tell her! as I know that if I were a cheated on wife, I would of course want to know, even if it is told me by my own son.

BUT a woman who lets herself be bullied in her marriage sounds like she will have no internal recourse to do anything at all about this hurtful information, so I can't really see much point in disclosure - IN THIS CASE.

Best wishes.

Lets herself be bullied? We don't know the full details here, we don't know if this man is very aggressive or has anger problems or if they're are young kids involved. She's a victim of bullying if thats the case, not the cause of it. People dont realise how difficult it is for a person to escape from an abusive relationship when theres kids involved.

@OP, I would tell her, I would be humiliated if I found out I was being cheated on. This could be a good break away for her, a reason to leave if she's unhappy in the first place.

seenitall

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Lets herself be bullied? We don't know the full details here, we don't know if this man is very aggressive or has anger problems or if they're are young kids involved. She's a victim of bullying if thats the case, not the cause of it. People dont realise how difficult it is for a person to escape from an abusive relationship when theres kids involved.

@OP, I would tell her, I would be humiliated if I found out I was being cheated on. This could be a good break away for her, a reason to leave if she's unhappy in the first place.

In every abusive relationship, there are two parties making it happen: the abusive one and the facilitator (victim). If the second party were not present and acquiesent in bullying, the bullying could not take place any more than if the first party were not present and perpetrating it.

These are facts, so please don't put some silly words in my mouth, because I never said anyone was the cause of bullying, least of all its victim.

If the victim of bullying has developed a long-standing victim mentality, she will not "break away" after news of cheating; she will simply find it yet another stick to be beaten with, yet another humiliation to endure. The self-esteem of long-suffering abuse victims is down in the dumps; they have no perception that they deserve better then they get. Such a person would be the very last type of person to be able to either leave a cheating partner, or "make" him stop cheating.

I accept that I made some assumptions in my first post; namely that the bullying in the OP's parents' marriage is a long-standing practice and a matter of status quo, and that OP's mother is therefore the type of person who will be unwilling to challenge the status quo or the state of her marriage, be it about either abuse or cheating.

Ultimately, it is down to the OP, who knows what state the marriage of their parents is in; the decision on whether to impart news like this should be taken with consideration as to the likely outcome; more emotional hardship for the betrayed party with very little or no good to derive from it, or the ultimate benefit to the betrayed party.

LegacyUser

Hi Op, My sister was in a similar situation about 3 years ago. She found text messages on my Dad's phone that showed he was having an affair. My Dad like yours was not the best husband or father down through the years. My Mum used to make excuses for him because he was unwell, which we and she realized in hindsight was a probably was due to the double life he was leading.

Anyway my sister told my Mum when she found the messages and it was the best thing that ever happened to my family. My Dad changed 100% and although it was strange at first, 3 years on I see that it was a genuine change. Sure at the time I would have loved if my Mum left him but I was supportive of what she wanted and she still loved him and wanted to work on their relationship now that everything was out in the open.

I think that you should tell your Mum. I don't understand how people say it's none of your business, she's your Mum and you care for her. It could make or break their relationship and in each case she would be better off but remember that of course if she decides to stay with your father things could stay the same.

I think that deep down you know that if your partner was cheating on you you'd like to know, however much it would hurt. Just make sure that if you decide to tell your Mum that you are around to give her the support she needs.

Fittle

Hi Op, I disagree that this is not your business and that you did wrong by reading his texts. This is your business.

I think you should confront him Op - don't tell your mum yet, confront him, guage his reaction and take it from there. Best of luck OP.

fungun

its impossible to judge relationships from the outside.

Id tread extremely carefully.

If it was me, I think Id approach your Dad with the information first as (a) you dont cause unnecessary problems if for some reason you are wrong and/or your mum knows and (b) if your dad bullies your mum, then he will just bully her in this situation whereas he cant if you approach him

overmantle

hard as it may be, I'd stay out of it.

Cork4ever

he is a man and you are a man, so face him up, say it straight, if he is a bullie he will crumble very quickly and see what happens.

i think its the best way to work it out for all parties.