really stuck on this issue

mindtornin2

Hi guys,

I'd really appreciate some advice or at least conversation on this.

I have been going out with a girl for the last 3 years, and we have had plenty of fights, both about silly stuff that I don't consider worth fighting over, and fights about the future, which are obviously more serious. She has always said that she wants to be engaged, have a full time job and have a mortgage on a house within the next 3 years. She is 24 and I am 26. I don't have anything against what she wants and it is perfectly reasonable to want that, but I am more of an arty musician type of guy who would prefer to make money doing lots of designing work and writing/arranging music. I have proven my ability in this field but it's not exactly a steady income and that is always what she has said she needs so she can have her 2 income family, 2 cars and various other nice things she thinks are required for a happy life. she also thinks being able to borrow loads of money is how you are defined in life.

That kind of outlook scared me so after the last argument we had last week, we decided to break up. She originally said it to me after an argument about something different, and after a while of talking, we both agreed that we would not stay together as we were heading in such different directions.

I thought I was fine with this and it was kind of a relief after so many fights and uncertainty. I think if a relationship is mean to be then both people should be completely sure about it. I wasn't for so long so I thought that this was a good decision.

We went home for Christmas our separate ways and I was kind of sad about it but was still being positive about a new beginning and an opportunity to do something new and be something new, maybe even travel the world. Then she texted me and told me that she would always think about me fondly and remember me as being very special in her life. I then texted her something similar but then she rang me.

She wanted to get back together and thought that we were worth another go. I said I was sorry and that it was the best decision to make but began to be a bit unsure. the next day she texted me quite a few times reminding me about all the nice memories we have together and eventually she said that all the financial and mortgage worries she had didn't matter any more as long as we were together. Does it sound like she just desperately does not want to be lonely and saying that to try get me back or did she really have a complete epiphany about what is important in life?

In so many ways I still love her and we do have great memories together, but if I was ok with the breakup until she changed her mind, do I really love and miss her or do I just not want her to be sad? Should I leave it for a few weeks and tell her I'll decide again when I'm ready or should I just tell her it's not going to happen?

Just one more issue, we took a bit of a break a few months ago after the same 'future argument' and I rang her to say I wanted to break up after 2 or 3 days. She got really upset and managed to change my mind and we met up and everything was fine for a while but we never actually solved anything. Now she says all those issues are unimportant to her as long we are together but are they? And I got back with her that time coz I couldn't stand to hear her crying but that's not a very good reason to be with somebody is it? Just to make them happy?

thanks for any help or suggestions ye might have, really torn in 2 with this one

Faith

My ex and I had similar issues in our relationship, as well as many others that we regularly fought over. When he broke up with me, I would have promised him anything in the world to change his mind. I convinced myself that I didn't care about anything we used fight about, and that the only important thing in the world was that we were together.

But I was wrong.

Those issues WERE important to me, and still are. There's things I simply can't compromise on without making myself desperately unhappy. Your ex is probably extremely lonely and unhappy right now, and will say whatever she thinks you want to hear to alleviate those feelings. If you think the break up was for the best, you're probably right really.

seenitall

What Faith said, OP.

It is very, very obvious from your post that you had had enough of drama of being on a diverging path in life to your OH, and that you are beyond ready for a change and a new beginning.

You are completely right in feeling that getting back together with her in order to appease her would be the wrong reason for it. The relationship has run its course, as with two young people, the most important thing in their long-term relationship is whether they are looking in the same direction concerning the future. You two are not, and no matter what she says now, you have been there before with the break/break-up and promises that things will be different, and you have seen that her wishing for 2 cars etc. is something she is unable to stifle in herself. She is only 24 years old, she has plenty of time still, so she should now be free to find the kind of guy who will share her dreams. Anything else is just further torture and prolonging the horrible pain of incompatibility between the two of you.

Move on, OP. Be gentle but firm with her in letting her know that it really is over.

Should you take pity and "try again", this whole scenario will only repeat itself a few months down the line again. Like a pretty nightmarish Groundhog Day.

New Year means new beginnings, OP.

Best wishes.

curlzy

No, you should cathegorically, undoubtedly, never ever ever be with someone just to make them happy and because you don't want to hear them cry. It's screamingly clear from your post that you are incompatible. Like I've no doubt that you love each other or did in the past but if she wants a particular lifestyle that's so at odd with your yours then it's just never going to work. Cut your loses and cut her loose. Wish her well and then cut contact, it sounds like being single scares her but that's a **** reason to be with someone. If you do stay together one of you will have to completely change your values and you will ultimately end up resenting each other. So I would just finish it once and for all and move on. Don't give her any hope that'll just make it worse.

Best of Luck and may the new year be a brilliant one for you!

LegacyUser

Did the same thing years ago,fought,got back,ultimatums etc.Finally she left cos I wouldnt marry.She is married, I am married and it was the best thing for everyone concerned,If it doesnt work it doesnt work and you will not change her.

If she gives up her ideals to keep you she will eventually regret it and blame you and vice versa.If you can,help her get through this bad time but dont go back you are just prolonging the inevitable.

mindtornin2

Hi guys, OP here.

thanks a lot for your help and suggestions, I have been back and forward between all my options like a pin ball, but if I was somebody on the outside giving my self advice I would agree that it is over but it is another matter when I hear how upset she is. This should not be a factor in my decision and it was before when we got back together but obviously we didn't solve anything by doing so.

She texted me quite a few times reminding me about all our wonderful memories which almost convinced me but the issue of her lifestyle and how she now suddenly realises how unimportant all her money worries are in comparison to us does ring alarm bells. She only said to me that she changed her mind after a whole day of texting other things so I would have thought that if it was a real epiphany then she would have mentioned it sooner.

I can see that if i give in and get back with her now then things will be fine on the outside for a while but I will always feel a little bit uneasy like I made the wrong decision. I was like that before when somebody asked me how do i feel being back with her. I said yea i was grand but obviously for a couple destined to be together that's not really good enough. The issues of stability and regular income etc will eventually rise again and if we break up again because of that in 3 years time, that's 3 years wasted and 10 times more pain. If I ring her and tell her that sorry I want this to be final and not to wait around for me I can tell it's gonna be really hard for her to swallow and hard for me to do and I will probably regret it for a long time, but looking at all the facts then it is probably the best thing to do.

If we were meant to be together forever then I would be completely sure and I wouldn't be typing this at all.

Thanks again for your help guys I can always find comfort on the pages of boards! I'll post here again in a while if the thread is still alive just so maybe it can be of help to others in the same situation.

thanks again

mindtornin2

Just an update guys, we broke up for real and while I'm getting through the day and all and everybody is supportive, it ain't easy. She was really upset and said she was really hurt that I would walk out so easy after 3 years, but I don't think it was easy at all!

She asked me did i not love her enough and I had to say that I did love her but maybe I didn't love her enough to spend the rest of my life with her. Very hard to do.

We ended on ok-ish terms but I feel like an a33hole for hurting her so much and hope I haven't made a mistake. But then again if I'm not sure about this relationship after 3 years then when will I be? I think its only fair to her to let her find her own path in life and figure out her own goals and get her job, husband and 2 incomes to support all she wants. Hope I did the right thing coz it hurts!

thanks for listening!