Was this a terrible thing to do?

LegacyUser

Right, this is very out of character for me. I'm normally the one getting hurt but anyway...

Have been seeing a guy for a month..we've met up about 8/9 times, we text everyday, go for dinner, have had sex... I like him A LOT but we're not exclusive yet/haven't discussed it.. I think it's too soon..


Anyway, my recent ex just came for Christmas. I'm very very fond of him. He's a lovely man. We broke up cos of distance, nothing else. He bought me a beautiful dress for xmas, but I told him straight away I was seeing someone else. He was happy enough to still hang out and he'd been kissing someone too.

Flash forward to last night. I'm pretty petite and drank too much too quickly. My ex came out with his friends and insisted on telling me how much he loved me. He categorically said he didn't want to be with me, just that he loved me. I was kind of confused at this and said it wasn't fair. I was pretty tipsy at this point and I met a guy I knew from years back in school. I still consider myself single and in my drunkenness decided kissing this guy was a great idea. So we snogged and my ex saw.

He was so hurt and so angry. I got a few melodramatic texts from him and he went home...I thought. I was openly kissing yer man waiting for a taxi and my ex went by again. He said I was so cruel and nasty. It wasn't my finest moment but I feel horrendous, like the cattiest, most inconsiderate person ever. I'm not a big drinker normally and I think all the drama and drink and attention went to my head.

Should I feel this bad? Does this make me a wretched person? I want my ex to be okay but the damage is done..

booboo88

So in actual fact, he does not want to be with you, but doesn't want you to be with anyone else??
Red flag number 1!
melodramatic texts, hello you're not with him anymore. You could kiss every guy in the club and its none of his business. red flag number 2


It just screams posessiveness which is not a pretty trait to have, jealously over someone you have no intention of having a committed relationship with. Where does this guy get off?

spinandscribble

Well He was messing with your head so I guess he was being cruel knowingly or unknowingly as well. He probably thinks the old school mate is the new bf but you're a free agent, probably not the brightest thing to go around kissing randomers as the ex was nearby. You shouldn't have lied to him though about having a bf that's cruel seems like you wanted to hurt him (since it was in fact a lie) and then give him a show (or at least thats how it might have appeared).
Don't use drink as an excuse, that's lame.

LegacyUser

Op, you'll get a lot of responses telling you that technically, you did nothing wrong, you didn't break any rules, you weren't with your ex at the time, you're a free agent etc, etc. I have to say though that excessive alcohol consumption is blamed for a great many tactless acts in this country. It seems acceptable to say that you had had too much to drink and that you weren't beholden to this guy, what with him being an ex and all. That's fair enough I guess, but he's a person with feelings too. Honestly, would you have been okay with it had your positions been reversed?

spinandscribble

spinandscribble wrote: »

Well He was messing with your head so I guess he was being cruel knowingly or unknowingly as well. He probably thinks the old school mate is the new bf but you're a free agent, probably not the brightest thing to go around kissing randomers as the ex was nearby. You shouldn't have lied to him though about having a bf that's cruel seems like you wanted to hurt him (since it was in fact a lie) and then give him a show (or at least thats how it might have appeared).
Don't use drink as an excuse, that's lame.

Where did OP lie?
OP has been seeing someone and told ex as much

tenchi-fan

I think you should steer clear of this ex for a while. It sounds like you like melodrama but it will cause nothing but trouble for you. Don't mix alcohol and exes.

You said you broke up because of distance but that's a lame excuse. Either of you could have moved closer to each other.

LegacyUser

I didn't lie...I said I was seeing someone, he isn't my boyfriend, but wanted to see what happened. I told him cos I didn't want to accept a gift under false pretences, or accept at all if he wasn't comfortable with that. He seemed okay with that, just not blatantly snogging someone in front of him. I just feel like that was pretty unpleasant of me.

I can't move anywhere for at least two years with my career/training. I'm talking different countries here, not just different parts of Ireland. But I agree that if we'd been very serious about each other, we'd have found a way to be together.

Just got a very long text from him saying he doesn't want to speak to me, he thought I was one of his best friends, he's so disappointed in me, he'd never do that to me. Really compounds how bad I feel.

Alcohol is no excuse but I do think it made me a lot more careless. I like the guy I kissed though. It just looks like I did it out of maliciousness.

I don't "like melodrama" but I will say that I was courting it last night with my behaviour.

G-Money

Steer clear of the ex.

I'm a bit confused, you have been seeing another fella for a month, but then snogged some person from years ago last night to get back at an ex? I guess it's hard for us to know your exact status, but I guess it's possible the guy you've been seeing for the last month might not be too happy about that.

Just a thought.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Just wanted to say it doesn't sound like you have anything to feel guilty about here. The ex is making you feel guilty based on what exactly? You guys broke up, so you owe each other NOTHING!!! You're not exclusive with the new guy, so technically you did nothing wrong there either, personally I wouldn't get with someone else after I've slept with someone, but again that's just me and my own ethics so not a judgement on you. I think your ex sounds like a spoiled child to be honest, he doesn't have a leg to stand on here. Like you say you couldn't move coz of training and career but could he have moved to you??? Sounds like you liked each other but you weren't soul mates, if you had been you would have worked something out. So get it out of your head that you've done something wrong, you haven't and your man-child of an ex is throwing his toys out of the pram coz you weren't dying to get back with him. If he texts you again just tell him you've done nothing wrong and you're not going to continue the drama any further and then just ignore him.

Best of luck.

Katgurl

Tell your ex to get over himself. But do smile when you say it. You may be ablesalvage friendship there. He must have been drunk too!

Honestly this will blow over, you're feeling extra bad because youre hungover.

Did you get the kissing guys number?

I think you should set the guy free you've been seeing a month - if you were into hi
you wouldn't have been bothered by what your ex said and you wouldn't have been putting on a show for his benefit.

But seriously this is not too bad. A messy night that got out of hand. It happens. Just don't make a habit of it.

LegacyUser

Thans for the sympathetic replies!!

Yeah, I did get the number of the guy I kissed.. He's been texting me all day, but not sure I'll do anything about it....

I know it doesn't sound like I'm that mad about the guy I'm seeing a month, but I haven't liked anyone a lot for a loooooong time and it freaks the hell out of me. I feel very very vulnerable liking someone again and I'm far more used to being in control.

We really are just dating though.. I'd have quite an American approach to dating. He'd be quite the player himself and while I know he's only seeing me (he works with lads I know and they discuss frigging everything about women that's going on) and he does like me too, we're definitely NOT official/exclusive yet. I wouldn't advertise the fact I kissed another guy and he mightn't love it but I haven't cheated on him.

The fact my hangover has lifted is making me feel a bit less bleak!